(no subject)
its 6.30 in the morning and I never went to bed...did the same thing last night but went to bed now and slept till 11
But I can't today because I have 2 exams and then work
calc at 10 and physics at 1 and work at 4
It started raining right at daybreak, like on the dot. which was really werid. and the sky kept changing from greyish to orange and pink. it was odd, and I kept think "I wonder if the world will end today?" and kept thinking and hoping the answer was yes. "when flesh is an enemy" (alone - amorphis)
I've given up in humanity. I don't won't to enlighten anyone or change how things are. I just want to dismantle, destroy, and remove everything. Hope is dying and I don't know why. and it isn't depression...its anger and somewhat enpowering and disappointing.
I just spent most of the night looking over calc and don't think I know anymore than I got out of the first half hour, when I just checked up on the base formulas for some things. I still don't understand higher trig and doubt I ever will. I can't concieve how the formula came to be, what they mean and why. Inverse makes some sense in itself and in algebraic trig is fine...but not with calc on a real numbers level. and what is hyperbolic trig? I still don't know and haven't been able for someone to explain it...it simply is, and thats not good enough. so naturally I can't get the hyp trig...and then the inverse hyp trig.
and our book sucks. and it lies.
if I do bad on this exam, I have a good feeling that I'm done. atleast with engineering at ERAU. maybe can go to a different program. I don't know. I don't know what I want to do with my life...but I want to move on from this one point atleast. And I really don't like the idea that because I can't understand a couple rather 'simple' concepts that my dreams are destroyed and removed.
happiness is really all that matters. but you can't be happy unless things are set right in stability. I'd like to do nothing at all...or study politics and philosophy which seems in my head to be nothing in return...you can't read books when you don't have the time and/or money to and I can't write my own so I have to do something.
the scary thing is, I can see a future...a fairly detailed one with plenty of room for the scenerio to actually be realistic, but it doesn't start for another 2 or 3 years at the mininum. and I wouldn't be an engineer exactly but I would be happy and I even saw ways that some of the things I truly want could be fullfilled. Its actually sort of unnerving...I saw the world open up in my head again and could see a little further down the road. Its just like my admissions essay...but in reverse. It doesn't have all things professional or career goals and dreams and completely rules out/leaves out my semi-planned lifelong path...but it doesn't matter. That essay said everything I wanted that I don't know if I can have and left out everything that I really want...I never mentioned a single person other than myself in that entire thing, and yet this new 'dream' has people, real people in real places doing real things...maybe not what I or they always thought/saw but normal jobs. (i.e. maybe I can't be an engineer, but I wouldn't mind being a mechanic...it works in the same plane just a different level and I like that. I need to find something like that and make it a real plan B and in a serious way)
I could let out the details, but I don't want to and don't want to make people worried or wonder things. besides it needs 2 or 3 years to get to that point anyway.
all the family is driving down tomorrow, so I'll be in orlando monday, tuesday wendsday. actually probably be here on monday taking care of a problem, which brings me to the apartment update.
they don't just want june rent paid, and now a late fee for it. fine. but they took the deposit due to 'viloation of lease' and charged for damages to a place they said they were going to remodel anyway.
so, dad hopefully will be able to help me out in fixing this situation...which has caused a great deal of loss in belief in humanity...is it really worth it to fuck over some poor college kids just so you can make a little more money? they're selling the things off as condos, keeping renting management and then can rent off anything that doesn't sell...at a higher price.
so with anyluck the hope is:
remove the 'viloation of lease:' what is that, I didn't violate it because I'm not on it...and its not like I was intentially there 3 more days...I just can't go and get a truck out of the blue to move some things (and the plans that were setup fell through)
renegotiate damages: they going to spend the same amount regardless of what we did, especially when the manager told us it was all fine because they were going to remodel and sell it.
late fee: I can only see this getting knocked off if they remove the entire months rent which I don't really see happening so thats fine
monthly rent: ok, charging $870 for a place that was not lived in, had most things removed, utilities cut off and completely abandoned on the 4th day of the month is ridiculus. I want it prorated...they did it for when it was first moved into...so do it again. go ahead and count it a full week because of 'administartive' needs but come on... the whole month for being there a total of 4 days and not even living there or being capable of living there during that time.
this world sucks
hopefully the next will be better.
the idea of signing of singing "suicide is painless" seems like a great idea, but then I'd feel a need to actually give a reason which I vowed not to do.
and besides then this new idea/plan/dream wouldn't happen.
and for once I really don't fill much shame if I 'fail out of college' and do something else with my life. My dad struggled to get through and barely. and when I look at it, none of his brothers ever got some great degree and fancy job. he went to auburn and comunity college and a good engineer but nothing like "wooowww..." uncle is working at disney since his highschool summer job. uncle writes for 3 hours in the middle of the night. uncle fixes arcade games and such. uncle does consuling/warden sort of for troubled kids/juvenille detention. and on my moms side... my mom and a sister got more than 2 miles away from home 2 brothers and a sister stayed back with the farm or right near it. moms a teacher, nothing terrific. other sister away works for an engineering consulting firm...after technically dropping out of highschool, forcing her way in to college and finish it first before getting her highschool diploma and that was newberry college, it has 2 buildings, maybe 3 now. really, the worst thing is that I would/could be the first in the family to actually make something big. and that'd be great but it isn't my drive.
I don't know what my drive is. I truly like was I'm studying, the hardest things (other than this fucking calc) was the most fun...fluids. I don't even know where I want to take it to or go with it. But I like it. I just like the drive...I take detailed notes, read, pay attention, look at the homework and try to study, but fall short on those two which is all that matters. doesn't matter if I can look at a building and see how it stands, exactly what forces travel where and why. I great at concepts, I just can't do the details and thats where I'd fail to be a real engineer....I'm like an artist that make perfect blended colors but can't stroke a brush the right way to make a good piece of work...finger painting with professional tools. thats how I feel now.
then again. I may walk in there and pull out a 95 on the final do the same with physics and end up with a B in both courses work the rest of the summer and have my student life straightened out in the fall. even then, what the adviser mentioned, taking some time off to consider everything and make sure I know where I'mg going still. but that offers too many problems.
But I can't today because I have 2 exams and then work
calc at 10 and physics at 1 and work at 4
It started raining right at daybreak, like on the dot. which was really werid. and the sky kept changing from greyish to orange and pink. it was odd, and I kept think "I wonder if the world will end today?" and kept thinking and hoping the answer was yes. "when flesh is an enemy" (alone - amorphis)
I've given up in humanity. I don't won't to enlighten anyone or change how things are. I just want to dismantle, destroy, and remove everything. Hope is dying and I don't know why. and it isn't depression...its anger and somewhat enpowering and disappointing.
I just spent most of the night looking over calc and don't think I know anymore than I got out of the first half hour, when I just checked up on the base formulas for some things. I still don't understand higher trig and doubt I ever will. I can't concieve how the formula came to be, what they mean and why. Inverse makes some sense in itself and in algebraic trig is fine...but not with calc on a real numbers level. and what is hyperbolic trig? I still don't know and haven't been able for someone to explain it...it simply is, and thats not good enough. so naturally I can't get the hyp trig...and then the inverse hyp trig.
and our book sucks. and it lies.
if I do bad on this exam, I have a good feeling that I'm done. atleast with engineering at ERAU. maybe can go to a different program. I don't know. I don't know what I want to do with my life...but I want to move on from this one point atleast. And I really don't like the idea that because I can't understand a couple rather 'simple' concepts that my dreams are destroyed and removed.
happiness is really all that matters. but you can't be happy unless things are set right in stability. I'd like to do nothing at all...or study politics and philosophy which seems in my head to be nothing in return...you can't read books when you don't have the time and/or money to and I can't write my own so I have to do something.
the scary thing is, I can see a future...a fairly detailed one with plenty of room for the scenerio to actually be realistic, but it doesn't start for another 2 or 3 years at the mininum. and I wouldn't be an engineer exactly but I would be happy and I even saw ways that some of the things I truly want could be fullfilled. Its actually sort of unnerving...I saw the world open up in my head again and could see a little further down the road. Its just like my admissions essay...but in reverse. It doesn't have all things professional or career goals and dreams and completely rules out/leaves out my semi-planned lifelong path...but it doesn't matter. That essay said everything I wanted that I don't know if I can have and left out everything that I really want...I never mentioned a single person other than myself in that entire thing, and yet this new 'dream' has people, real people in real places doing real things...maybe not what I or they always thought/saw but normal jobs. (i.e. maybe I can't be an engineer, but I wouldn't mind being a mechanic...it works in the same plane just a different level and I like that. I need to find something like that and make it a real plan B and in a serious way)
I could let out the details, but I don't want to and don't want to make people worried or wonder things. besides it needs 2 or 3 years to get to that point anyway.
all the family is driving down tomorrow, so I'll be in orlando monday, tuesday wendsday. actually probably be here on monday taking care of a problem, which brings me to the apartment update.
they don't just want june rent paid, and now a late fee for it. fine. but they took the deposit due to 'viloation of lease' and charged for damages to a place they said they were going to remodel anyway.
so, dad hopefully will be able to help me out in fixing this situation...which has caused a great deal of loss in belief in humanity...is it really worth it to fuck over some poor college kids just so you can make a little more money? they're selling the things off as condos, keeping renting management and then can rent off anything that doesn't sell...at a higher price.
so with anyluck the hope is:
remove the 'viloation of lease:' what is that, I didn't violate it because I'm not on it...and its not like I was intentially there 3 more days...I just can't go and get a truck out of the blue to move some things (and the plans that were setup fell through)
renegotiate damages: they going to spend the same amount regardless of what we did, especially when the manager told us it was all fine because they were going to remodel and sell it.
late fee: I can only see this getting knocked off if they remove the entire months rent which I don't really see happening so thats fine
monthly rent: ok, charging $870 for a place that was not lived in, had most things removed, utilities cut off and completely abandoned on the 4th day of the month is ridiculus. I want it prorated...they did it for when it was first moved into...so do it again. go ahead and count it a full week because of 'administartive' needs but come on... the whole month for being there a total of 4 days and not even living there or being capable of living there during that time.
this world sucks
hopefully the next will be better.
the idea of signing of singing "suicide is painless" seems like a great idea, but then I'd feel a need to actually give a reason which I vowed not to do.
and besides then this new idea/plan/dream wouldn't happen.
and for once I really don't fill much shame if I 'fail out of college' and do something else with my life. My dad struggled to get through and barely. and when I look at it, none of his brothers ever got some great degree and fancy job. he went to auburn and comunity college and a good engineer but nothing like "wooowww..." uncle is working at disney since his highschool summer job. uncle writes for 3 hours in the middle of the night. uncle fixes arcade games and such. uncle does consuling/warden sort of for troubled kids/juvenille detention. and on my moms side... my mom and a sister got more than 2 miles away from home 2 brothers and a sister stayed back with the farm or right near it. moms a teacher, nothing terrific. other sister away works for an engineering consulting firm...after technically dropping out of highschool, forcing her way in to college and finish it first before getting her highschool diploma and that was newberry college, it has 2 buildings, maybe 3 now. really, the worst thing is that I would/could be the first in the family to actually make something big. and that'd be great but it isn't my drive.
I don't know what my drive is. I truly like was I'm studying, the hardest things (other than this fucking calc) was the most fun...fluids. I don't even know where I want to take it to or go with it. But I like it. I just like the drive...I take detailed notes, read, pay attention, look at the homework and try to study, but fall short on those two which is all that matters. doesn't matter if I can look at a building and see how it stands, exactly what forces travel where and why. I great at concepts, I just can't do the details and thats where I'd fail to be a real engineer....I'm like an artist that make perfect blended colors but can't stroke a brush the right way to make a good piece of work...finger painting with professional tools. thats how I feel now.
then again. I may walk in there and pull out a 95 on the final do the same with physics and end up with a B in both courses work the rest of the summer and have my student life straightened out in the fall. even then, what the adviser mentioned, taking some time off to consider everything and make sure I know where I'mg going still. but that offers too many problems.