(no subject)
pills would be nice
or be permanently innebreated
but thats why I never wanted to think about that route.
I already broke down today, sort of twice.
sort of have a job...have to complete an online and inperson eval...but I know most of the stuff already and should be easy.
have a place for the summer
should have a place for the fall
school isn't kicking me out as far as I know
and the 2 major classes I need to take are open and available....
BUT
I have to start summer school thursday
I passed a class, but I don't know if it counts
I wasted a semester...and I was trying to do good.
....would it feel better if I done this bad and not been trying so I had the "i could/should have done better" or is the fact of knowing I'm a complete failiure and fuck up worse.
got permission to take summer school from my parents...but couldn't bare to them them everything about just how badly I did, just that I MUST take the classes.
but by doing this, I'm now draining my college account I found out...so now what do I do for next semester.
1 roommate leaves on wendsday, the other already left, he just didn't think he needed to tell us that he wouldn't be concerning himself with bills.
so I made my mom break down, and so was caused/caused myself to as well
told my mom that I wish everything were over...and moved it to wishing I was already retired.
found out that the school isn't going to renew my moms job...even though she has top experience because "they don't have a place for her"....fucking bullshit and theres nothing she can do other than bitch about it.
took stef to the airport this morning, so that support is changed/moved.
thought I could atleast see people this weekend...but have to do job training...so I can't be home for mothersday. and even if I could, the best I could do is friday and saytuday night because school is on friday and monday morning.
so that also kills plans of trying to see stef anytime soon...earliest is the end of june...the but parents are coming down here then I think.
....the worest and best thing about this is that almost every problem is money...even the grades thing...it hurts more knowing how much money was wasted and how much more now has to be spent than just the sham of my position
so yeah, it'd be nice for it to end.
coming home I drove over memorial bridge...a lot of keep have tried jumping/hanging themselves there. it came across that i could just pull over and do he same, the thing that told me not wasn't myself though, the act of dying or doing it or even lost oppurtunities for myself,...it was that I couldn't do that to other people instead, I could't bear (irony) that for them.
i can't be ok
but I can't end it either.
or be permanently innebreated
but thats why I never wanted to think about that route.
I already broke down today, sort of twice.
sort of have a job...have to complete an online and inperson eval...but I know most of the stuff already and should be easy.
have a place for the summer
should have a place for the fall
school isn't kicking me out as far as I know
and the 2 major classes I need to take are open and available....
BUT
I have to start summer school thursday
I passed a class, but I don't know if it counts
I wasted a semester...and I was trying to do good.
....would it feel better if I done this bad and not been trying so I had the "i could/should have done better" or is the fact of knowing I'm a complete failiure and fuck up worse.
got permission to take summer school from my parents...but couldn't bare to them them everything about just how badly I did, just that I MUST take the classes.
but by doing this, I'm now draining my college account I found out...so now what do I do for next semester.
1 roommate leaves on wendsday, the other already left, he just didn't think he needed to tell us that he wouldn't be concerning himself with bills.
so I made my mom break down, and so was caused/caused myself to as well
told my mom that I wish everything were over...and moved it to wishing I was already retired.
found out that the school isn't going to renew my moms job...even though she has top experience because "they don't have a place for her"....fucking bullshit and theres nothing she can do other than bitch about it.
took stef to the airport this morning, so that support is changed/moved.
thought I could atleast see people this weekend...but have to do job training...so I can't be home for mothersday. and even if I could, the best I could do is friday and saytuday night because school is on friday and monday morning.
so that also kills plans of trying to see stef anytime soon...earliest is the end of june...the but parents are coming down here then I think.
....the worest and best thing about this is that almost every problem is money...even the grades thing...it hurts more knowing how much money was wasted and how much more now has to be spent than just the sham of my position
so yeah, it'd be nice for it to end.
coming home I drove over memorial bridge...a lot of keep have tried jumping/hanging themselves there. it came across that i could just pull over and do he same, the thing that told me not wasn't myself though, the act of dying or doing it or even lost oppurtunities for myself,...it was that I couldn't do that to other people instead, I could't bear (irony) that for them.
i can't be ok
but I can't end it either.