Oh how the past destroys us
~.: Just got off the phone with my brother. I had a dream about him last night that started with me hearing him scream in pain. I can remember the first time I ever heard that scream in real life. I don't think anyone can fully understand the physiological and emotional reaction that happens with a memory like that, unless they've experienced it themselves. I'm trying not to think of it now, just because I get so upset, but in a way, the memory makes me feel closer to my brother, in a weird, and potentially unhealthy way. When I think about it, and how he's turned out, I want to take him and make him be close to me forever, so I can keep an eye on him, and remind him daily how wonderful he is. I want to tell him that what we all went through, and what he experienced (because honestly, he got the worst of it), was not our fault, or his fault, and that none of it was deserved by any of us. I want to tell him that everything that's happened in the past ten years is just a result of all of his anger being kept inside, because no one ever showed him how to express it, or told him that it was okay to feel that way. He described himself tonight has having always been an ill-tempered kid, and while that may be true, I don't think it was entirely his fault. He was only acting out because he wanted love, affection, attention, and even though being yelled at and punished and physically abused was negative attention, it was attention nonetheless. He smokes weed regularly so he can "mellow out" or "be even." He likes how calm it makes him feel, he likes that he's "not a dick" when he's high. He doesn't want the buzz, he wants the attitude and behavior adjustment. It makes me so mad to think that one man had this much affect on someone I love so much. Usually, when I'm asked if I would go back in time to change anything if I had a time machine, I say no, because everything happens for a reason, but honestly, I think I might take the opportunity to go back and save my brother from everything he's had to go through in the past 16 years. The thought of it creates in me very, very strong feelings of needing to protect him. It drives me nuts feeling this way. It also makes me sort of curious that I feel this way towards him and not Mikey, whose father caused all this, who also didn't get away unscathed. I guess because Billy and I have longer history. We're only four years apart. That's four extra years I've had with him to build a relationship, to get to know, to love, to want to be there for.
~.: I don't want him to end up like my clients. I want him to be happy, to build fruitful relationships, to raise his son and be satisfied with his work, to be happy with himself. I don't know, maybe my pity is unwarranted and self-serving. But when I think about the dream I had years ago, where my subconscious used symbols so obvious to decipher, I think that it's not. I want to save him. I want to call him everyday to let him know that he can tell me anything, that I'm here for him, that not everyone will blow up on him for what he's done, for what he's been through. I'm good at that. I can express my disappointment without being angry, without yelling, without losing my cool. Everyone else has just made him feel worse, including my mom (but she's got issues of her own). I love talking to him, because I know he depends on me, I can hear it in his voice how much he looks up to me, how much he's grateful to have me in his life. He told me on the phone that whenever he wants to just rip into me about something (in that lovingly teasing way brothers have), his "conscience kicks in" and he just can't. He has to talk to me a certain way. That's how I know he's a good person, that's how I know he's not lost, he never will be. Because he respects me, and if he can respect me and talk to me that way, I know he can do the same for others. It's just that others let him down and give him no incentive to do so.
~.: I hate that he lives in a rehab town. Everyone there pretty much has a criminal record. There are shootings and police raids happening all the time. He needs to get out of there. I wish I could do something about it, and the co-dependent person inside me is just writhing with insanity over the fact that there's nothing I can do.
~.: But good lord, I love that kid. He's got potential, and life's not over yet. I just hope he makes it long enough to realize his potential and chase down and reach all of his dreams.
~.: I don't want him to end up like my clients. I want him to be happy, to build fruitful relationships, to raise his son and be satisfied with his work, to be happy with himself. I don't know, maybe my pity is unwarranted and self-serving. But when I think about the dream I had years ago, where my subconscious used symbols so obvious to decipher, I think that it's not. I want to save him. I want to call him everyday to let him know that he can tell me anything, that I'm here for him, that not everyone will blow up on him for what he's done, for what he's been through. I'm good at that. I can express my disappointment without being angry, without yelling, without losing my cool. Everyone else has just made him feel worse, including my mom (but she's got issues of her own). I love talking to him, because I know he depends on me, I can hear it in his voice how much he looks up to me, how much he's grateful to have me in his life. He told me on the phone that whenever he wants to just rip into me about something (in that lovingly teasing way brothers have), his "conscience kicks in" and he just can't. He has to talk to me a certain way. That's how I know he's a good person, that's how I know he's not lost, he never will be. Because he respects me, and if he can respect me and talk to me that way, I know he can do the same for others. It's just that others let him down and give him no incentive to do so.
~.: I hate that he lives in a rehab town. Everyone there pretty much has a criminal record. There are shootings and police raids happening all the time. He needs to get out of there. I wish I could do something about it, and the co-dependent person inside me is just writhing with insanity over the fact that there's nothing I can do.
~.: But good lord, I love that kid. He's got potential, and life's not over yet. I just hope he makes it long enough to realize his potential and chase down and reach all of his dreams.