WTF, God, WTF?
~.: How could You possibly have any other plans for me besides this? Have You just been leading me on this whole time, getting my hopes up, making me think it was all gonna work out? I rearranged my schedule, twisted professors' arms, made promises, in order to take this stupid class this summer and get everything done inside my neat little timeframe. I wanted to get it done this summer, go to Japan in the fall, come back and work on my thesis and graduate in August, and then be out of my house before Christmas. But what? Now?? I don't have the money to pay for this class. I don't qualify for financial aid. No word on that scholarship (that I probably didn't get because Dad waited until after the deadline to get his and Pastor Arlie's letters of recommendation out- at least that totally didn't help me; then again, my ambitions also aren't worth the $2000). I also don't have a car to take me to and from the busstop (which would take care of a whole mess of problems), nor do I have the money to buy one, or the funds to pay for a cab to and from everyday. Especially since my work schedule would be cut down to three hours a day Monday through Thursday.
~.: So what if I don't take the class this summer? It would save me the money and the time and I could save up quite nicely for Japan. Except that would mean I lied to my advisor and the head of the psychology department in order to get their okay for study abroad. It would also mean that I'd have to stay one more semester at Mary Baldwin and graduate almost a year later than planned. This would screw up my plans to move out, my plans to meet Duarte, and just my overall life plans in general. I had this so perfectly worked out! I was gonna get this class done, go to Japan, graduate, and move in with Layne, and get started on my career. Everything else has fallen into place until now. Why is it that now, after all the blessings God has dumped on me, He's turning around and saying, "Nope, just kidding." I refuse to take out loans and credit cards for this purpose because then I'll fall into so much financial debt that I would only ruin my life plans even further.
~.: I don't know what to do. I want so badly to just have my life together. I don't wanna be 40 years old, wishing I'd finished or gone back to college. I wanna be a young woman well on her way and planning retirement by the time I'm 50 or something, or at least planning about planning retirement. I don't wanna be like so many women around me who did these stupid easy bachelors degrees and then never went anywhere with them. I want to have my doctorate before I'm 35. But money!! Money always comes back to ruin things! How can I space myself out and still have the resources to do what I want in life and get the most I can out of it? I hate this. I hate it, hate it, hate it. The real world should not work this way. There is something seriously flawed with the system when it just decides to stop working so well.
~.: Or maybe I'm spoiled. Dad says I haven't had to work for a single thing. Financial aid and his credit cards have always been there to bail me out. And he says I should save my money. Does he not see that I'm putting money away to pay for Japan?? I can't save my money for a car and Japan and classes. I don't make that much. I just don't, and if I had a car (which costs money dajfkl;djafkl;jda;lfkdaf) then I would get a second job. But everything costs money. Everything. Making money costs money. They took a hundred dollars in taxes out of my last paycheck.
~.: I need to go to bed. I'm so tired everyday. I just wanna sleep until August. And I hate my position at work. I'd love my job so much more if I had my own kids and my own parents to build rapport with and my own room to run my own way. No. I gotta sub in for other teachers and go wherever they send me, because Dr. Burton, miss "i'm the big director over all the directors and ive never worked with kids in my life but what i say goes" says that college students aren't allowed to have their own room. Don't wanna disappoint the children when the person they get attached to leaves in the fall. Tch. Not my fault I'm stuck parenting these children more than the people who made them. Of course, it wouldn't be that way if it weren't for money.
~.: Friggin' money really is the root of all evil. I hate money.
~.: So what if I don't take the class this summer? It would save me the money and the time and I could save up quite nicely for Japan. Except that would mean I lied to my advisor and the head of the psychology department in order to get their okay for study abroad. It would also mean that I'd have to stay one more semester at Mary Baldwin and graduate almost a year later than planned. This would screw up my plans to move out, my plans to meet Duarte, and just my overall life plans in general. I had this so perfectly worked out! I was gonna get this class done, go to Japan, graduate, and move in with Layne, and get started on my career. Everything else has fallen into place until now. Why is it that now, after all the blessings God has dumped on me, He's turning around and saying, "Nope, just kidding." I refuse to take out loans and credit cards for this purpose because then I'll fall into so much financial debt that I would only ruin my life plans even further.
~.: I don't know what to do. I want so badly to just have my life together. I don't wanna be 40 years old, wishing I'd finished or gone back to college. I wanna be a young woman well on her way and planning retirement by the time I'm 50 or something, or at least planning about planning retirement. I don't wanna be like so many women around me who did these stupid easy bachelors degrees and then never went anywhere with them. I want to have my doctorate before I'm 35. But money!! Money always comes back to ruin things! How can I space myself out and still have the resources to do what I want in life and get the most I can out of it? I hate this. I hate it, hate it, hate it. The real world should not work this way. There is something seriously flawed with the system when it just decides to stop working so well.
~.: Or maybe I'm spoiled. Dad says I haven't had to work for a single thing. Financial aid and his credit cards have always been there to bail me out. And he says I should save my money. Does he not see that I'm putting money away to pay for Japan?? I can't save my money for a car and Japan and classes. I don't make that much. I just don't, and if I had a car (which costs money dajfkl;djafkl;jda;lfkdaf) then I would get a second job. But everything costs money. Everything. Making money costs money. They took a hundred dollars in taxes out of my last paycheck.
~.: I need to go to bed. I'm so tired everyday. I just wanna sleep until August. And I hate my position at work. I'd love my job so much more if I had my own kids and my own parents to build rapport with and my own room to run my own way. No. I gotta sub in for other teachers and go wherever they send me, because Dr. Burton, miss "i'm the big director over all the directors and ive never worked with kids in my life but what i say goes" says that college students aren't allowed to have their own room. Don't wanna disappoint the children when the person they get attached to leaves in the fall. Tch. Not my fault I'm stuck parenting these children more than the people who made them. Of course, it wouldn't be that way if it weren't for money.
~.: Friggin' money really is the root of all evil. I hate money.