more stuff not to read
Listening to ‘two virgins’ by john and yoko…really tests the limits of distortion…I wanted it loud…but my mind couldn’t handle the pressure…however much hope I get from them there’s also another side to what they were trying to represent…always knowing we weren’t as special as we make it out…all the candy wrappers people have to unwrap just to realize their eating away at themselves…a real pig feast in the slightest w/ the victor getting the shitfested chore of fending off vicious…crude…and jealous fools…
I used to love playing ‘king of the hill’
Its hard not to miss the point sometimes…when you think you’re so close to what you feel is right and just…then you break someone’s heart and your stomach turns all sideways…crying in self-sympathy, like a jealous fool…
Of what COULD be
I’m not going to deny it…I’ll be honest w/ you…my tears are spent most at self- misery…my own problems…the ones I know could always go away…but I’m afraid of what problems lie beneath em…what future am I going to discover? What part of me hasn’t lived yet? Why am I always using the word ‘I’ when writing?
…to put it in perspective…do you ever see that many names used in my entries?…guess I really am a loner…but hey, to be on the bright and sunny side…they did say I work BETTER alone on those character tests…I’ll only have a few rough connections and associates in my life…but the close ones…the ‘I know your wife’s favorite song’ type of friendships…I’ll see to it that my life is filled w/ em…
cause that’s reality to me…
and I’m not living in it…
worth a shit
…I think of how mankind has survived over the years…through the droughts, famines, wars, and religious slayings…through all the suffering and betrayal, woman have always been here…and I wonder…did these men need women more for their sexual withdrawal or were they really in it for the children?
I think of marriage…I think of future…countless times… mixing up the details to the point where I just don’t care where I go…even if I do put a child into this world…how much of a difference will it make? How much better will the world be w/ a child from a seed of me?
I think of being a gypsy…of the limitless social responsibility…the amount of trust needed to make it in a world full of liars w/ handouts…I think of seeing the world through the eyes of a man who’s using the system and yet not contributing…I think whether this is wrong, or if its just another level in the long case of human extremity…it’s the famous or rich question that always had me going…guess I never knew how to answer something like that….how warhol had a point w/ fame…how it creeps up on you when you least expect it and then vanishes right when you’re settling in…then I wonder how a rich man lives…w/ all his benefits and luxuries that in the end mean nothing to those questions you ask yourself when you’ve just taken a sheet of acid and accidentally walked into a southern babtist church…’am I real’…’am I forever?’…’am I love?’…
…its becoming rather cliché and even frightening to think of all the times I’ve read into religious text and seen my own struggles…my own outlook on this cruel and twisted world…it becomes a mystery when 2 sides are saying basically the same thing and yet differ just on the historical references…as if to say you need a guru or prophet to tell me what the fuck is wrong w/ the world…or what would be needed to fix it…and just like the ones before me, I have to accept that I can only do so much…that I can only BE so much….
Because if there is a god…I already know what he wants from us…and I know the times he’s crying in my life…
The only problem is…when will I know when he’s smiling
Cause that’s all I ever wanted god to do when I was a kid
A big hugfest
At the hands of mercy
I used to love playing ‘king of the hill’
Its hard not to miss the point sometimes…when you think you’re so close to what you feel is right and just…then you break someone’s heart and your stomach turns all sideways…crying in self-sympathy, like a jealous fool…
Of what COULD be
I’m not going to deny it…I’ll be honest w/ you…my tears are spent most at self- misery…my own problems…the ones I know could always go away…but I’m afraid of what problems lie beneath em…what future am I going to discover? What part of me hasn’t lived yet? Why am I always using the word ‘I’ when writing?
…to put it in perspective…do you ever see that many names used in my entries?…guess I really am a loner…but hey, to be on the bright and sunny side…they did say I work BETTER alone on those character tests…I’ll only have a few rough connections and associates in my life…but the close ones…the ‘I know your wife’s favorite song’ type of friendships…I’ll see to it that my life is filled w/ em…
cause that’s reality to me…
and I’m not living in it…
worth a shit
…I think of how mankind has survived over the years…through the droughts, famines, wars, and religious slayings…through all the suffering and betrayal, woman have always been here…and I wonder…did these men need women more for their sexual withdrawal or were they really in it for the children?
I think of marriage…I think of future…countless times… mixing up the details to the point where I just don’t care where I go…even if I do put a child into this world…how much of a difference will it make? How much better will the world be w/ a child from a seed of me?
I think of being a gypsy…of the limitless social responsibility…the amount of trust needed to make it in a world full of liars w/ handouts…I think of seeing the world through the eyes of a man who’s using the system and yet not contributing…I think whether this is wrong, or if its just another level in the long case of human extremity…it’s the famous or rich question that always had me going…guess I never knew how to answer something like that….how warhol had a point w/ fame…how it creeps up on you when you least expect it and then vanishes right when you’re settling in…then I wonder how a rich man lives…w/ all his benefits and luxuries that in the end mean nothing to those questions you ask yourself when you’ve just taken a sheet of acid and accidentally walked into a southern babtist church…’am I real’…’am I forever?’…’am I love?’…
…its becoming rather cliché and even frightening to think of all the times I’ve read into religious text and seen my own struggles…my own outlook on this cruel and twisted world…it becomes a mystery when 2 sides are saying basically the same thing and yet differ just on the historical references…as if to say you need a guru or prophet to tell me what the fuck is wrong w/ the world…or what would be needed to fix it…and just like the ones before me, I have to accept that I can only do so much…that I can only BE so much….
Because if there is a god…I already know what he wants from us…and I know the times he’s crying in my life…
The only problem is…when will I know when he’s smiling
Cause that’s all I ever wanted god to do when I was a kid
A big hugfest
At the hands of mercy