Third verse, same as the first
Ah well. Running theme of my life seems to be the highs rapidly followed by the really, really lows. Not my own biggest fan right about now, not exactly sure why. I seem to have become this person I don't really like over the last 2-3 years, pretty much since I left uni I suppose. I'm not even sure what exactly it is about myself that I don't really get on with, but it's severely getting in the way of me getting on with my life. I mean, how are you supposed to convince a potential employer that you're worth hiring when to be honest, you don't even like yourself? As for friends, don't get me started. Was out at the pub earlier for a mates leaving for London do, and was finding it really hard to talk to anyone, nothing to say that wasn't crap, and anything I did say just made me out to be egotistical, self-centred, lairy or just plain stupid. So just got drunk and behaved like a bit of an arse and a weirdo and made a tit out of myself, as per fucking usual. Went home quite early, would have been nice to head off to Sacrilege with them, but to be honest,
I miss the easy conversations. I miss having a laugh and not constantly feeling on edge, feeling like I'm not being like myself because the "myself" I am is so far removed from the myself I got comfortable with at uni.
You see, I should be feeling pretty great right now. At dancing I did a teddybear, a gemini, a brass monkey, a butterfly, an upsidowny thing I don't even KNOW what it's called, all for the first time ever, and all without hands. OK, the mentally sticky poles helped. A Lot. But that and all the usual stuff that gives me headrush and buzzy feelings should be carrying me through to next week! So why do I just feel like a prat? Why do I feel like my mere PRESENCE brings everyone in the room down, to the stage where I don't even want to open my mouth so I don't say something stupid and piss people off?
Yadda yadda yadda. I promised myself that I would try and keep this journal fairly functional now, and try to avoid all the emo stuff that keeps popping into it when I feel down. But at the moment, I think I need it more as a venting space. I'm so glad I'm going home tomorrow. I don't really want to be around people right now.
I miss the easy conversations. I miss having a laugh and not constantly feeling on edge, feeling like I'm not being like myself because the "myself" I am is so far removed from the myself I got comfortable with at uni.
You see, I should be feeling pretty great right now. At dancing I did a teddybear, a gemini, a brass monkey, a butterfly, an upsidowny thing I don't even KNOW what it's called, all for the first time ever, and all without hands. OK, the mentally sticky poles helped. A Lot. But that and all the usual stuff that gives me headrush and buzzy feelings should be carrying me through to next week! So why do I just feel like a prat? Why do I feel like my mere PRESENCE brings everyone in the room down, to the stage where I don't even want to open my mouth so I don't say something stupid and piss people off?
Yadda yadda yadda. I promised myself that I would try and keep this journal fairly functional now, and try to avoid all the emo stuff that keeps popping into it when I feel down. But at the moment, I think I need it more as a venting space. I'm so glad I'm going home tomorrow. I don't really want to be around people right now.