No hope for 'normal'
Not that I have ever truly wanted to be 'normal' but I'd like to be stable, I'd like to be healthy and sane and feel equal to the tasks life's thrown at me. I still hope that one day I might become stable.
So apparently I am a raging aspie kid. I thought maybe it was a fluke/that I was just tired/depressed when I took this quiz last night with 155/200 towards aspie, and so I took it again now figuring I'd answer more properly being awake, and now it's 178/200, and I just can't figure out if this changes anything for me.
And also, the fact my boyfriend who has actually been diagnoses with Asperger's didn't score as I high as I did for it. I've taken similar quizzes in the past, but generally scored in the
"normal range" with just a few aspie traits. I've had it commented on by other friends experienced with it that I read a bit Aspie. This is the first time I've been faced with the realization that maybe, I'm not just a little bit of an aspie kid.
I've been struggling with the fact of my financial lack, especially accepting that I really just don't have it in me to go chase down a job I won't want and won't actually want me. My friend who has graciously lent me the use of his computer for the past year wants it back before I leave, so I need a new one. If I had any kind of regular income it would be a possibility, there's even a purple netbook that is within the realm of affordability. But I have nothing.
I'm eligible for food stamps and getting my SNAP card in the mail any day. That will help some as I get onto a regular diet rather than depending on the leftovers of others. But it won't buy me things like art supplies and feminine products.
I don't know why I didn't apply for cash assistance this time. I know I'm strongly considering applying for disability, but I want to talk to my therapist to see if I will pass as eligible. She's expressed hesitation in the past when I've considered just giving into the madness and focusing on living as a mentally ill sort rather than trying to force myself to keep passing as a normal person. I just don't have it left in me to pass anymore.
I also need to discuss my gender identity issues, because although I'm comfortable being a cisgendered female sexually, I'm afraid of embracing my femininity because I feel like I would lose the respect I earned by being 'one of the guys'. At the same time, I wonder how much respect I ever did have for that as almost all of those guys at some point made the situation sexually charged. I feel like it was easier for me to deflect then, but maybe that was just the fact I was too drunk and too distracted to realize the systematic sexual harassment. But at the same time, in becoming aware of my own femininity and need to express myself and especially because I've become actively aware of a need for Feminism, I feel constantly targeted because I am a woman. And especially galling I know it is because I am a 'single' woman and my long distance internet boyfriend doesn't count to all the men who are fine predating me. As much as I had issues with my marriage, the security of a relationship has more perks and benefits than sex and cuddles. I realized the other day when expressing eagerness to stylize with my boyfriend, that the reason I would feel safe expressing myself as a female was because I know that men will keep their distance and show at least some cursory respect if a woman is attended by a man.
While becoming aware of the intricacies of social politics has definitely led to some detriment of my outlook, I feel like it is more beneficial than detrimental, because in addition to the liberation of knowing and throwing off ignorance, it has shown me that support does exist, however patchy and faulty, and more important, it has begun to give me language to vocalize my feelings, and my identity more clearly. Although I'm all the more terrified by seeing the face of the society I live in, I'm learning to adopt a clearer idea of the kind of Society I want to live in and build a foundation with other people who want the same kind of future. Yes, the monster I'm facing is larger, more powerful and more terrifying than I thought, but also, I know that other people have my back.
I've been trying very hard to focus on the positives, and keep up a forward momentum. Every word of support and validation that I exist has helped pull my head back around and keep moving. I'm trying to keep the blinders on to stay focused on what I want to acheive, but I still catch the glimpses of all the same things that make me spook. I know that there's never enough time, money or energy to do everything. I'm still breaking things down into smaller pieces to take on. I'm still making progress. But I'm going to have to take the blinders off, step away and look at the big picture one of these days, and I need to know how to tackle it. Because in the long run, I think the spooks repeatedly creeping in at the edges of my awareness over time are more troublesome than if I faced them head on.
And even though I've been staying positive, I've still been depressed, I've still stayed up too late, clinging to mental sedatives to keep my anxiety from getting to me, I've still stayed in bed too long, dreading facing reality and leaving the warm embrace of unconsciousness. The passive suicidal thoughts have resurfaced, nothing active yet, mostly just the matter of "Please, can't I just lay down here and die? Can't I be done now? Can it be over yet? I don't want to go on." And the most shocking one is the realization that all it would take is for one person I care about to tell me that it is okay for me to kill myself.
The only thing that keeps me alive is the desire to not let everyone down again, to not hurt them that way, I don't want to inflict the pain of my death on the people I care about.
But I can't keep going on the way I have, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do to snap out of it.
So apparently I am a raging aspie kid. I thought maybe it was a fluke/that I was just tired/depressed when I took this quiz last night with 155/200 towards aspie, and so I took it again now figuring I'd answer more properly being awake, and now it's 178/200, and I just can't figure out if this changes anything for me.
And also, the fact my boyfriend who has actually been diagnoses with Asperger's didn't score as I high as I did for it. I've taken similar quizzes in the past, but generally scored in the
"normal range" with just a few aspie traits. I've had it commented on by other friends experienced with it that I read a bit Aspie. This is the first time I've been faced with the realization that maybe, I'm not just a little bit of an aspie kid.
I've been struggling with the fact of my financial lack, especially accepting that I really just don't have it in me to go chase down a job I won't want and won't actually want me. My friend who has graciously lent me the use of his computer for the past year wants it back before I leave, so I need a new one. If I had any kind of regular income it would be a possibility, there's even a purple netbook that is within the realm of affordability. But I have nothing.
I'm eligible for food stamps and getting my SNAP card in the mail any day. That will help some as I get onto a regular diet rather than depending on the leftovers of others. But it won't buy me things like art supplies and feminine products.
I don't know why I didn't apply for cash assistance this time. I know I'm strongly considering applying for disability, but I want to talk to my therapist to see if I will pass as eligible. She's expressed hesitation in the past when I've considered just giving into the madness and focusing on living as a mentally ill sort rather than trying to force myself to keep passing as a normal person. I just don't have it left in me to pass anymore.
I also need to discuss my gender identity issues, because although I'm comfortable being a cisgendered female sexually, I'm afraid of embracing my femininity because I feel like I would lose the respect I earned by being 'one of the guys'. At the same time, I wonder how much respect I ever did have for that as almost all of those guys at some point made the situation sexually charged. I feel like it was easier for me to deflect then, but maybe that was just the fact I was too drunk and too distracted to realize the systematic sexual harassment. But at the same time, in becoming aware of my own femininity and need to express myself and especially because I've become actively aware of a need for Feminism, I feel constantly targeted because I am a woman. And especially galling I know it is because I am a 'single' woman and my long distance internet boyfriend doesn't count to all the men who are fine predating me. As much as I had issues with my marriage, the security of a relationship has more perks and benefits than sex and cuddles. I realized the other day when expressing eagerness to stylize with my boyfriend, that the reason I would feel safe expressing myself as a female was because I know that men will keep their distance and show at least some cursory respect if a woman is attended by a man.
While becoming aware of the intricacies of social politics has definitely led to some detriment of my outlook, I feel like it is more beneficial than detrimental, because in addition to the liberation of knowing and throwing off ignorance, it has shown me that support does exist, however patchy and faulty, and more important, it has begun to give me language to vocalize my feelings, and my identity more clearly. Although I'm all the more terrified by seeing the face of the society I live in, I'm learning to adopt a clearer idea of the kind of Society I want to live in and build a foundation with other people who want the same kind of future. Yes, the monster I'm facing is larger, more powerful and more terrifying than I thought, but also, I know that other people have my back.
I've been trying very hard to focus on the positives, and keep up a forward momentum. Every word of support and validation that I exist has helped pull my head back around and keep moving. I'm trying to keep the blinders on to stay focused on what I want to acheive, but I still catch the glimpses of all the same things that make me spook. I know that there's never enough time, money or energy to do everything. I'm still breaking things down into smaller pieces to take on. I'm still making progress. But I'm going to have to take the blinders off, step away and look at the big picture one of these days, and I need to know how to tackle it. Because in the long run, I think the spooks repeatedly creeping in at the edges of my awareness over time are more troublesome than if I faced them head on.
And even though I've been staying positive, I've still been depressed, I've still stayed up too late, clinging to mental sedatives to keep my anxiety from getting to me, I've still stayed in bed too long, dreading facing reality and leaving the warm embrace of unconsciousness. The passive suicidal thoughts have resurfaced, nothing active yet, mostly just the matter of "Please, can't I just lay down here and die? Can't I be done now? Can it be over yet? I don't want to go on." And the most shocking one is the realization that all it would take is for one person I care about to tell me that it is okay for me to kill myself.
The only thing that keeps me alive is the desire to not let everyone down again, to not hurt them that way, I don't want to inflict the pain of my death on the people I care about.
But I can't keep going on the way I have, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do to snap out of it.