herperpderpadurphurrr
In other words, I don't know what to put for a title. Had therapy today, followed by a good session of self reflection on the way home and requisite warming up/cooling down time(warming the fat, cooling the muscles, and easing my brain down).
I need to approach Q more honestly, but I'm afraid about how he'll take it. This transitional phase, while I pack and sort and get things out is trying for a number of reasons, but mostly because of how I have to related to him. I hope I'm overreacting, that it is the winter driving my paranoia and suspicion about the worst in people, but given Q's past coping mechanisms and lack thereof, there's a number of outcomes I see possible, and none of them are particularly reassuring ones. And the biggest reason I'm avoiding it all is because when it comes down to it, I just don't have the energy to look after him. And any issue that I might bring up might upset him, and then I will have to deal with the emotional fallout of helping him cheer back up.
On one hand, I feel like if I show too much enthusiasm for the move, to the point I'm afraid to pack in front of him, I feel like he'll end up suffering his self esteem issues and taking it all too personally and that I'll have to build him back up to keep him from doing anything drastic.
On the other hand, if I show any hesitation about the move it'll encourage his delusions that he might convince me to stay and that everything will go back to the way it was. I don't even know for sure if he really thinks that, but given his history of problem solving (and lack thereof) this is probably how his mind is working.
He's not making the transition easy for me, but I don't think he's intentionally making it hard either. I'm worried that pushing the issue one way or another will lead to a change for the worst. He's been redoubling his efforts to be the dependable nice guy he imagines himself to be, but to me, it's just an exhausting ordeal of him being clingy and me trying to salve his insecurities. And of course in as many days he's already broken two promises. First, yesterday he planned to get me a phone, we were going to go to a Cricket or Sprint store, and I was going to have a dumb(as opposed to smart) phone so I can start looking for a job (another issue of contention between us that I am afraid to pursue). Secondly, he didn't fold the laundry. He said he was going to do the laundry last week but didn't get to it until yesterday, and he promised he would fold it before I left for therapy.
I am currently grappling with the urge to do it myself, out of frustration, but I want him to do it, and also I want to tell him to sort all the laundry as I have already done so twice(granted I had someone else do it the second time but that isn't the point) and he threw it all everywhere digging for the clothes he doesn't keep neat enough to find. A few weeks ago, before I decided I was moving out much less told him about it I told him I didn't want to do all his laundry anymore and my next would be the last time. That I was going to separate our clothes and we can start taking turns.
I also need to have a talk with him, again, about options for him to start seeing a therapist. I'm not much looking forward to that because he doesn't think he needs help and trying to tell him why I think he needs help might also hurt the very self esteem issues I think he needs help with.
I'm also not sure how to confront him directly about the fact I feel like he might be trying to discourage me from leaving at all or that his increased attentiveness is actually kind of smothering. My therapist gave me a number for a women's shelter to call for advice if I need it, even though there hasn't been any suggestion of threats, much less violence, they may be able to offer me advice on how to make things go as smoothly as possible(and of course, the actual move out phase is when the worst comes out in a relationship).
So, now that the doldrums are out of the way I want to talk about happy things, I want to express how excited I am to be looking forward to getting out of this cramped and cluttered space and moving into a larger space I am free to clutter all by myself. I'm so tired of picking up after someone else, I hate how anything I do to try to organize things is immediately rendered obsolete as soon as someone else walks in the door. And SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE! I will have lots of it. And the best part of all that space. The best part. Is that I will be able to work on art again. And so much of it. So many projects that I will no longer have to shove into corners or wrestle with and force to cooperate just to fit in an area it is not meant to be. It means I can set out my projects where I can look at them, and they will look at me and I can finish them! I want to have a proper workspace, somewhere I can just flip the lights on and go to work at whatever odd hour I get inspired without having to tip toe around praying I'm not waking someone else up.
Oh god it feels so good just imagining being able to navigate a room, and having control over it. I want to be able to finally invest in and experiment with new products and mediums. And being able to really FINISH things, not half ass them because I can't afford the right tools or can't maneuver to use them. I can finally do all the things I'm raging over everyone else beating me to. Things I've been planning for years.
Here's some visuals of all the things I hope this move will mean I'm able to do(allow for the fact these are pictures from real established artists unlike myself).
A functioning workspace. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7136861 http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6969227/ http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6665933/ http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6766193/
Sculpting, molding and casting http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7016924/ http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs51/f/2009/294/7/4/The_New_Unicorn_Tutorial_by_Indigo_Ocean.pdf http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6692781/ http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6536292/ http://qarrezel.deviantart.com/gallery/7080403#/d1p7axf
Painting http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7096092/
I need to approach Q more honestly, but I'm afraid about how he'll take it. This transitional phase, while I pack and sort and get things out is trying for a number of reasons, but mostly because of how I have to related to him. I hope I'm overreacting, that it is the winter driving my paranoia and suspicion about the worst in people, but given Q's past coping mechanisms and lack thereof, there's a number of outcomes I see possible, and none of them are particularly reassuring ones. And the biggest reason I'm avoiding it all is because when it comes down to it, I just don't have the energy to look after him. And any issue that I might bring up might upset him, and then I will have to deal with the emotional fallout of helping him cheer back up.
On one hand, I feel like if I show too much enthusiasm for the move, to the point I'm afraid to pack in front of him, I feel like he'll end up suffering his self esteem issues and taking it all too personally and that I'll have to build him back up to keep him from doing anything drastic.
On the other hand, if I show any hesitation about the move it'll encourage his delusions that he might convince me to stay and that everything will go back to the way it was. I don't even know for sure if he really thinks that, but given his history of problem solving (and lack thereof) this is probably how his mind is working.
He's not making the transition easy for me, but I don't think he's intentionally making it hard either. I'm worried that pushing the issue one way or another will lead to a change for the worst. He's been redoubling his efforts to be the dependable nice guy he imagines himself to be, but to me, it's just an exhausting ordeal of him being clingy and me trying to salve his insecurities. And of course in as many days he's already broken two promises. First, yesterday he planned to get me a phone, we were going to go to a Cricket or Sprint store, and I was going to have a dumb(as opposed to smart) phone so I can start looking for a job (another issue of contention between us that I am afraid to pursue). Secondly, he didn't fold the laundry. He said he was going to do the laundry last week but didn't get to it until yesterday, and he promised he would fold it before I left for therapy.
I am currently grappling with the urge to do it myself, out of frustration, but I want him to do it, and also I want to tell him to sort all the laundry as I have already done so twice(granted I had someone else do it the second time but that isn't the point) and he threw it all everywhere digging for the clothes he doesn't keep neat enough to find. A few weeks ago, before I decided I was moving out much less told him about it I told him I didn't want to do all his laundry anymore and my next would be the last time. That I was going to separate our clothes and we can start taking turns.
I also need to have a talk with him, again, about options for him to start seeing a therapist. I'm not much looking forward to that because he doesn't think he needs help and trying to tell him why I think he needs help might also hurt the very self esteem issues I think he needs help with.
I'm also not sure how to confront him directly about the fact I feel like he might be trying to discourage me from leaving at all or that his increased attentiveness is actually kind of smothering. My therapist gave me a number for a women's shelter to call for advice if I need it, even though there hasn't been any suggestion of threats, much less violence, they may be able to offer me advice on how to make things go as smoothly as possible(and of course, the actual move out phase is when the worst comes out in a relationship).
So, now that the doldrums are out of the way I want to talk about happy things, I want to express how excited I am to be looking forward to getting out of this cramped and cluttered space and moving into a larger space I am free to clutter all by myself. I'm so tired of picking up after someone else, I hate how anything I do to try to organize things is immediately rendered obsolete as soon as someone else walks in the door. And SPAAAAAAAAAAAACE! I will have lots of it. And the best part of all that space. The best part. Is that I will be able to work on art again. And so much of it. So many projects that I will no longer have to shove into corners or wrestle with and force to cooperate just to fit in an area it is not meant to be. It means I can set out my projects where I can look at them, and they will look at me and I can finish them! I want to have a proper workspace, somewhere I can just flip the lights on and go to work at whatever odd hour I get inspired without having to tip toe around praying I'm not waking someone else up.
Oh god it feels so good just imagining being able to navigate a room, and having control over it. I want to be able to finally invest in and experiment with new products and mediums. And being able to really FINISH things, not half ass them because I can't afford the right tools or can't maneuver to use them. I can finally do all the things I'm raging over everyone else beating me to. Things I've been planning for years.
Here's some visuals of all the things I hope this move will mean I'm able to do(allow for the fact these are pictures from real established artists unlike myself).
A functioning workspace. http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7136861 http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6969227/ http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6665933/ http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6766193/
Sculpting, molding and casting http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7016924/ http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs51/f/2009/294/7/4/The_New_Unicorn_Tutorial_by_Indigo_Ocean.pdf http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6692781/ http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6536292/ http://qarrezel.deviantart.com/gallery/7080403#/d1p7axf
Painting http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7096092/