Publicly Private
So, as I mention a lot, I really don't think anyone reads these, especially not those involved in my real day to day life. Although occasionally people read the worst possible posts they could from me. It's generally always the ones I can't talk to.
So, I just got back from yet another party. Much as nobody believes me, I am trying to cut back on my partying nature and yet, I can't seem to stay away too long. It's mostly that I just have finally realized how much I need external social interaction and that getting out generally means hanging out at parties. But I definitely feel I've gotten better about it, especially regarding the drinking, despite a hearty serving this week and a good bout last week, I have definitely improved my ability to handle my liquor, and I don't turn to it nearly as much as I used to.
I don't think I'm going to let people guilt trip me anymore. I held firm about not freaking out on Q's behalf trying to force party-goers to his show, and I barely cared about Jere's passive aggressive "no one invites me to parties!" spiel when I got home today.
I had a revelation yesterday about why I'm having difficulties with Q. He has never intended on a real career. Anything he's ever wanted to do has everything to do with being rich and famous and successful with his art. I felt like he could have gotten somewhere with his film if he'd stuck to it, and I understand that the falling out with his oldest friends who'd inspired the desire in him affected him very deeply, but the way he just abandoned his responsibility to the project should have tipped me off to larger problems, but then, that is the nature of hindsight. His band is his current focus, usually to the exclusion of all else. He has no back up plan. In his mind, everything is just waiting on him to make it big and then everything will be perfect forever.
I'm kind of shocked and appalled how I've managed to overlook this for so long. Sure, I too am an artist, and I'm sensitive about my work and have high hopes for it, but it has always been my back up plan. I didn't leave my real job just to go pursue artistic endeavors, I left because of an injury and suffered a serious emotional breakdown. It has taken me a year to start grasping a hold of myself again and as I do so, and start putting the pieces into place the more I'm starting to see the damage to the patterns.
As much as I love my husband and I do appreciate the progress he's been making, he needs to step back and reassess the big picture, and honestly I might be better off single.
So, I just got back from yet another party. Much as nobody believes me, I am trying to cut back on my partying nature and yet, I can't seem to stay away too long. It's mostly that I just have finally realized how much I need external social interaction and that getting out generally means hanging out at parties. But I definitely feel I've gotten better about it, especially regarding the drinking, despite a hearty serving this week and a good bout last week, I have definitely improved my ability to handle my liquor, and I don't turn to it nearly as much as I used to.
I don't think I'm going to let people guilt trip me anymore. I held firm about not freaking out on Q's behalf trying to force party-goers to his show, and I barely cared about Jere's passive aggressive "no one invites me to parties!" spiel when I got home today.
I had a revelation yesterday about why I'm having difficulties with Q. He has never intended on a real career. Anything he's ever wanted to do has everything to do with being rich and famous and successful with his art. I felt like he could have gotten somewhere with his film if he'd stuck to it, and I understand that the falling out with his oldest friends who'd inspired the desire in him affected him very deeply, but the way he just abandoned his responsibility to the project should have tipped me off to larger problems, but then, that is the nature of hindsight. His band is his current focus, usually to the exclusion of all else. He has no back up plan. In his mind, everything is just waiting on him to make it big and then everything will be perfect forever.
I'm kind of shocked and appalled how I've managed to overlook this for so long. Sure, I too am an artist, and I'm sensitive about my work and have high hopes for it, but it has always been my back up plan. I didn't leave my real job just to go pursue artistic endeavors, I left because of an injury and suffered a serious emotional breakdown. It has taken me a year to start grasping a hold of myself again and as I do so, and start putting the pieces into place the more I'm starting to see the damage to the patterns.
As much as I love my husband and I do appreciate the progress he's been making, he needs to step back and reassess the big picture, and honestly I might be better off single.