An address of greivances...
Communication. I cannot talk to him any more because when I bring up my problems I feel he is either being dismissive or attempts to turn it around to being my fault. He uses bargaining to fight any complaint I have or makes any number of empty promises or reassurances that he hardly if ever follows up on. It has left me wondering how much he really cares, or if he's just trying to talk me down because he doesn't want to deal with it.
The impasse we've come to is a difficult one, he's frustrated with the fact that I've been an emotional shell the last year, and when he plays on my shame of it I really have no defense. I don't know if I can expect him to accept my mental health issues, because he doesn't understand them and thinks I should either suck it up or take medication.
The next issue is more important. He can't look after himself in real life. Things like budgeting, cleaining, having the sense to go to bed at a reasonable hour when he has work in the morning or setting something aside in preparation, he simply doesn't do. Maybe I'm in the wrong here, but I consider it unreasonable that he needs me to follow him around nagging him to do things that he should know how to be responsible for. He says that I knew this from the beginning and when I try to explain why his behavior and apt refusal to take control of it is unacceptable he becomes petulant and dismissive insisting that he needs a partner to tell him what to do. When he told me in great detail about how he's tried everything to learn routine and how he feels like he's exhausted all options and he simply can't learn to be bothered to be responsible for ordinary real life things, I had my first real moment of awareness that this is something I will quite possibly leave him for. He insists that I knew from the beginning, but I really didn't.
I come from a hoarder's household so I had to learn proper housekeeping as an adult through trial and error. I'm not very good at it, but I've definitely come pretty far. I thought that his difficulties were from his spoiled middle class existence and that like me he would learn in time. It has teken me this long to realize that not only will he not learn to fix these deficiencies, HE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO AND EXPECTS ME TO KEEP UP FOR HIM.
He did know I was an emotional wreck as I told him over and over again. but as I mentioned before, I don't think he really listens to me so much as does whatever he needs to just end the uncomfortable situation as quickly as possible rather than actually dealing with whats wrong. He has a history of making the same mistakes and showing a general lack of follow through.
And then there's the relationships. I don't have much of a problem with him pursuing other interests, but, I don't really want to hear him gushing on and on and carrying on like a teenage girl over whomever has caught his eye this time. Maybe at one point I was okay for having a real relationship, but I don't feel I've got the energy reserves to devote to one now. I have more important things to worry about and some days I'd rather not deal with relationship obligations to HIM.
It's not that I want to break it off so much as I just want a break. He was only my second sexual partner, and as time goes on I feel like we're in a rut and he HAS outright expressed disinterest in my preferred sexual desires, and when we do get new additions to help him enjoy his variety, he tends to start treating me as if I'm just a stand in for them. I don't think he understands the concept that different women are different and need/desire different things. It's something I would have thought he'd understand earlier, but now I wonder if he really even cares. He pushes so much for whatever little kink he wants, even when I've got some clearly outlined rules for him, and of course, the somewhat frequent times he decides sex is too much work and just wants to jack off to porn, despite me telling him I don't want him doing that if he's right beside me in bed.
It's getting worse as his fragile ego suffers and he's desperate to assert that he's still an attractive man. To put it into perspective, him talking all the time about girls is fine, but when I went on and on about a fictional character we had to have a talk about whether he was still attractive to me.
The worst part is I'm not sure if he still is after last nights fight, I find dependence to be a turn off, and I don't like the idea that I'm going to have to take care of him for simple stupid shit like y'know, maybe going to sleep before 3 am when there's work in the morning. Or listening when suggestions are made.
I'm getting off topic, and I think I've addressed everything.
I still don't think I'm any closer to talking to him about any of this.
The worst part is I've been fucking horny, but not for him, he's gone on and on in the past about cravings for big tits, but I'm pretty sure he'd have a conniption fit if I brought up how much I want a big thick dicking. Especially because it's a guy he isn't attracted to.
I wonder if maybe he'll shoot down every guy I show an interest in if he feels like he can't compete with them... Because every guy he's been interested or did anything with was either very reluctantly or with guys I really didn't have a vested interest in.
The impasse we've come to is a difficult one, he's frustrated with the fact that I've been an emotional shell the last year, and when he plays on my shame of it I really have no defense. I don't know if I can expect him to accept my mental health issues, because he doesn't understand them and thinks I should either suck it up or take medication.
The next issue is more important. He can't look after himself in real life. Things like budgeting, cleaining, having the sense to go to bed at a reasonable hour when he has work in the morning or setting something aside in preparation, he simply doesn't do. Maybe I'm in the wrong here, but I consider it unreasonable that he needs me to follow him around nagging him to do things that he should know how to be responsible for. He says that I knew this from the beginning and when I try to explain why his behavior and apt refusal to take control of it is unacceptable he becomes petulant and dismissive insisting that he needs a partner to tell him what to do. When he told me in great detail about how he's tried everything to learn routine and how he feels like he's exhausted all options and he simply can't learn to be bothered to be responsible for ordinary real life things, I had my first real moment of awareness that this is something I will quite possibly leave him for. He insists that I knew from the beginning, but I really didn't.
I come from a hoarder's household so I had to learn proper housekeeping as an adult through trial and error. I'm not very good at it, but I've definitely come pretty far. I thought that his difficulties were from his spoiled middle class existence and that like me he would learn in time. It has teken me this long to realize that not only will he not learn to fix these deficiencies, HE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO AND EXPECTS ME TO KEEP UP FOR HIM.
He did know I was an emotional wreck as I told him over and over again. but as I mentioned before, I don't think he really listens to me so much as does whatever he needs to just end the uncomfortable situation as quickly as possible rather than actually dealing with whats wrong. He has a history of making the same mistakes and showing a general lack of follow through.
And then there's the relationships. I don't have much of a problem with him pursuing other interests, but, I don't really want to hear him gushing on and on and carrying on like a teenage girl over whomever has caught his eye this time. Maybe at one point I was okay for having a real relationship, but I don't feel I've got the energy reserves to devote to one now. I have more important things to worry about and some days I'd rather not deal with relationship obligations to HIM.
It's not that I want to break it off so much as I just want a break. He was only my second sexual partner, and as time goes on I feel like we're in a rut and he HAS outright expressed disinterest in my preferred sexual desires, and when we do get new additions to help him enjoy his variety, he tends to start treating me as if I'm just a stand in for them. I don't think he understands the concept that different women are different and need/desire different things. It's something I would have thought he'd understand earlier, but now I wonder if he really even cares. He pushes so much for whatever little kink he wants, even when I've got some clearly outlined rules for him, and of course, the somewhat frequent times he decides sex is too much work and just wants to jack off to porn, despite me telling him I don't want him doing that if he's right beside me in bed.
It's getting worse as his fragile ego suffers and he's desperate to assert that he's still an attractive man. To put it into perspective, him talking all the time about girls is fine, but when I went on and on about a fictional character we had to have a talk about whether he was still attractive to me.
The worst part is I'm not sure if he still is after last nights fight, I find dependence to be a turn off, and I don't like the idea that I'm going to have to take care of him for simple stupid shit like y'know, maybe going to sleep before 3 am when there's work in the morning. Or listening when suggestions are made.
I'm getting off topic, and I think I've addressed everything.
I still don't think I'm any closer to talking to him about any of this.
The worst part is I've been fucking horny, but not for him, he's gone on and on in the past about cravings for big tits, but I'm pretty sure he'd have a conniption fit if I brought up how much I want a big thick dicking. Especially because it's a guy he isn't attracted to.
I wonder if maybe he'll shoot down every guy I show an interest in if he feels like he can't compete with them... Because every guy he's been interested or did anything with was either very reluctantly or with guys I really didn't have a vested interest in.