Hopefully Less Depressing Reflection
So, let's see where this year has taken me so far... *browsing past entries*
Well, taking a note from last year, let's start with the relationship front.
I was actually reflecting on it today and realizing that I might just not have it in me to be pursuing relationships with everything else going on. It bums me out a little because I'm already entangled with a few people and I really don't want to give them the impression I'm not interested, but, relationships just really aren't a priority I can afford right now. I think I've gotten over a lot of the hang ups I had. I'm communicating more directly with the girls in my life, which is good, but I just don't have it in me to know how to be affectionate. I've always been a little restrained, since getting taken away I don't know how to be comfortable being touchy feely, which given that girls need foreplay makes me that much more ineffectual at being a good sexual partner.
On a related note, I have been successful in being more social personable and getting out more, because it is a priority I now realize the need for, and still insisting on getting a healthy balance of social fun and work done. I should probably have more fun fun though, as the crushing depression makes it so much harder to break into a happy headspace.
It's also tough because I don't have a phone anymore, so any progress I made on the front of getting out to be more social has been extremely curtailed and I'm really really stressed out the fact that this means I get pretty much no say in the matters of what I do with my time as my husband is the one who now makes all the plans. He always has most of the time to be honest, but now I just have that much less say in matters, and that much less warning. I don't feel like I'm the one making the decisions at all anymore.
Finances are of course still shit. I've been working on trying to get back into the loop of what's going on, but I haven't been as insistent about it as I should be, and I am hesitant about taking that stress back on, but I think it's becoming more stressful not knowing about it until I'm too late(like learning how far behind on rent we are or that the water was getting shut off). I'm also fairly certain that I'm going to have to take over control of the finances even though I'm not the earner, simply because I don't have any faith in my husband's ability to prioritize things.
I still have a lot of the hangups I did a year ago, and unfortunately lost some of my self interest, which as my therapist has been pointing out, I actually need more of rather than less.
On the upside, I think my alcoholism has improved, I hardly get drunk and drink alone anymore, and when I do, it's a matter of a few drinks rather than a few shots so the alcohol is more spread out and interspersed with more mixer. I definitely need to eat more and right, but as mentioned, my husband's shitty at prioritizing and tends to spend our money on the wrong food.
My art has gotten along further than it was, but is still on a precipice. I've been too focused on commissions to work on my portfolio, and especially as my illustrative art isn't my intended focus and I've made all the tails I ever want to see again I'm in one hell of a rut. And stupid me I keep agreeing to new jobs because my husband will ride my ass about how behind on finances we are and I'll sell off another chunk of myself at great cost. While I have made progress and worked on things, overall I'm still trapped in a rut of overworking myself for way too little compensation and not doing any of the things I want to do. Even after closing myself to commissions I still have 8 jobs to finish. And the free art I'm giving my girlfriend is a bad idea too. And I can't even issue refunds and give up because my husband spent all the money I made already.
On the upside, I don't have horribad strained relationships with roommates, but the difficulties between Jere having to support us and Q not addressing his own deficiencies are starting to get to me. The house still isn't as up to snuff as I'd like it to be, but I think we're improving, I just need to keep my energy up to work on organizing prioritizing this that and the other into a logical pattern that the others can follow. Reaching out my brain to other people has always been a challenge for me.
*Sigh*
So I've finished reading up on a year of depressive journal entries, and I think the overarching theme is I need to do something about my husband.
I don't really know what.
I need to call a time out from extra relationships. I'm going to go talk to my girlfriend about that tonight, I'm supposed to be there in 15 minutes and I'll check if my roommates are heading out in that direction anytime soon, or have them pass along the message that I'll be late.
I need to take away his spending power. I need to reduce him to a spending allowance, either in cash alone or give him a separate bank account and keep him out of the primary.
I feel like there's more I'm missing, like trying to convince him that he needs to listen to people, and force him to make a realistic set of priorities and commit to them, but I'm not even sure how much or when I can even bring these things up to him.
Because I think that's the heart of our issues right now, our greatest potential fracturing point.
Well, taking a note from last year, let's start with the relationship front.
I was actually reflecting on it today and realizing that I might just not have it in me to be pursuing relationships with everything else going on. It bums me out a little because I'm already entangled with a few people and I really don't want to give them the impression I'm not interested, but, relationships just really aren't a priority I can afford right now. I think I've gotten over a lot of the hang ups I had. I'm communicating more directly with the girls in my life, which is good, but I just don't have it in me to know how to be affectionate. I've always been a little restrained, since getting taken away I don't know how to be comfortable being touchy feely, which given that girls need foreplay makes me that much more ineffectual at being a good sexual partner.
On a related note, I have been successful in being more social personable and getting out more, because it is a priority I now realize the need for, and still insisting on getting a healthy balance of social fun and work done. I should probably have more fun fun though, as the crushing depression makes it so much harder to break into a happy headspace.
It's also tough because I don't have a phone anymore, so any progress I made on the front of getting out to be more social has been extremely curtailed and I'm really really stressed out the fact that this means I get pretty much no say in the matters of what I do with my time as my husband is the one who now makes all the plans. He always has most of the time to be honest, but now I just have that much less say in matters, and that much less warning. I don't feel like I'm the one making the decisions at all anymore.
Finances are of course still shit. I've been working on trying to get back into the loop of what's going on, but I haven't been as insistent about it as I should be, and I am hesitant about taking that stress back on, but I think it's becoming more stressful not knowing about it until I'm too late(like learning how far behind on rent we are or that the water was getting shut off). I'm also fairly certain that I'm going to have to take over control of the finances even though I'm not the earner, simply because I don't have any faith in my husband's ability to prioritize things.
I still have a lot of the hangups I did a year ago, and unfortunately lost some of my self interest, which as my therapist has been pointing out, I actually need more of rather than less.
On the upside, I think my alcoholism has improved, I hardly get drunk and drink alone anymore, and when I do, it's a matter of a few drinks rather than a few shots so the alcohol is more spread out and interspersed with more mixer. I definitely need to eat more and right, but as mentioned, my husband's shitty at prioritizing and tends to spend our money on the wrong food.
My art has gotten along further than it was, but is still on a precipice. I've been too focused on commissions to work on my portfolio, and especially as my illustrative art isn't my intended focus and I've made all the tails I ever want to see again I'm in one hell of a rut. And stupid me I keep agreeing to new jobs because my husband will ride my ass about how behind on finances we are and I'll sell off another chunk of myself at great cost. While I have made progress and worked on things, overall I'm still trapped in a rut of overworking myself for way too little compensation and not doing any of the things I want to do. Even after closing myself to commissions I still have 8 jobs to finish. And the free art I'm giving my girlfriend is a bad idea too. And I can't even issue refunds and give up because my husband spent all the money I made already.
On the upside, I don't have horribad strained relationships with roommates, but the difficulties between Jere having to support us and Q not addressing his own deficiencies are starting to get to me. The house still isn't as up to snuff as I'd like it to be, but I think we're improving, I just need to keep my energy up to work on organizing prioritizing this that and the other into a logical pattern that the others can follow. Reaching out my brain to other people has always been a challenge for me.
*Sigh*
So I've finished reading up on a year of depressive journal entries, and I think the overarching theme is I need to do something about my husband.
I don't really know what.
I need to call a time out from extra relationships. I'm going to go talk to my girlfriend about that tonight, I'm supposed to be there in 15 minutes and I'll check if my roommates are heading out in that direction anytime soon, or have them pass along the message that I'll be late.
I need to take away his spending power. I need to reduce him to a spending allowance, either in cash alone or give him a separate bank account and keep him out of the primary.
I feel like there's more I'm missing, like trying to convince him that he needs to listen to people, and force him to make a realistic set of priorities and commit to them, but I'm not even sure how much or when I can even bring these things up to him.
Because I think that's the heart of our issues right now, our greatest potential fracturing point.