(no subject)
I've been thinking about changes lately. How and why they happen I guess. To ourselves, our friendships, just everything. I decided to make a change in myself....this one happens to be small but significant. I'm working my butt off this week and next and not goofing off on my work no matter how much I want to. I used to be conciencious of my work. VERY much so. But for the past two years for a number of reasons, that has tipped back and forth like a scale. A grain of salt being dropped here and there that would affect my mood completely and I'd start putting it off again. I refuse to do that now. I need to finish it all and I want a god grade. God I hope I can get that and my parents won't have to be like... "you ARE going to graduate this year to be a senior right?" YES! Leave me alone..can't you see I'm trying to???????????? But I don't scream that....I don't bother anymore. Instead I simply sit and nod, like a doll going through the movements at someones tedious hands.
Changes are a funny thing though... because you don't always get a choice in who makes them. Sometimes it's gradual, something inside you that starts wheels to large for you to control. Is that destiny though? Or a form of it? I don't know...... I would like to believe, and yes I know I'm quoting Roswell, so shoot me, everyone else does "that we make our own destinies". Atleast to a certain extent. Because otherwise what's the point? If everything is preordained then you may as well just be handed a copy and told to sit down and wait your turn while you read through the rest of your life. As much as I'd like to find out what would happen sometimes I still believe that it wouldn't work....anything you do can affect an outcome of something. Chain reactions I guess.
Friendships are funny that way too. Something big or small change create a change you'd never dream of happening. Or an outcome that you'd never ever predict in a million years. Some grow, and some fade...and some we hold onto ever so tightly because they're special. Sometimes you have to know when to let go too. But when do you know any of this? There's no sign that jumps out at you and says "HEY, OVER HERE!!! YEAH! ME!! PAY ATTENTION AND DO THIS!" No..you simply make your way, with your choices and go along. God I have no clue where any of this is coming from but I'm writing it really fast so it must want to get out.
I always see something different in myself though....always critize my actions and never just let them be. Even if I let someone elses do exactly that. I never can seem to let myself just be me and so facades are created. I'm softening to people....I know that and I realize it and part of me hates it. So I mask it and secretly long for what I can't have as long as I do so. Risks for me are okay as long as emotionally I can keep up sheilds like stone.
Do we ever really find someone that accepts us for us though?? It's a funny thought.. having someone do that completely. Giving us that part of themselves and accepting that part of our own self. I know so many long for it but realistically how many find it and once they do, do they keep it or end up pushing away one of the greatest things they'll have..... I can't answer my own questions at this point....it's mostly just wondering because I've never come close to having it.... and I don't wonder why. I know myself, at least to a certain extent, on the outside, the surface level. But I do wonder why I push it away, and then just secretly long for it in solitude. I could sum it up as a therapist would... ::blah blah blah:: list a bunch of fun reasons like I never really had it and the people I would've wanted it from weren't there. But that's the past and it doesn't do any good to dredge it up...except that it usually ends up flying back at you and hitting you smack in the head if you don't watch out......
I wonder why my loneliness is so big at 16....when I really shouldn't complain at all. Selfish.... my parents are right about that......
Changes are a funny thing though... because you don't always get a choice in who makes them. Sometimes it's gradual, something inside you that starts wheels to large for you to control. Is that destiny though? Or a form of it? I don't know...... I would like to believe, and yes I know I'm quoting Roswell, so shoot me, everyone else does "that we make our own destinies". Atleast to a certain extent. Because otherwise what's the point? If everything is preordained then you may as well just be handed a copy and told to sit down and wait your turn while you read through the rest of your life. As much as I'd like to find out what would happen sometimes I still believe that it wouldn't work....anything you do can affect an outcome of something. Chain reactions I guess.
Friendships are funny that way too. Something big or small change create a change you'd never dream of happening. Or an outcome that you'd never ever predict in a million years. Some grow, and some fade...and some we hold onto ever so tightly because they're special. Sometimes you have to know when to let go too. But when do you know any of this? There's no sign that jumps out at you and says "HEY, OVER HERE!!! YEAH! ME!! PAY ATTENTION AND DO THIS!" No..you simply make your way, with your choices and go along. God I have no clue where any of this is coming from but I'm writing it really fast so it must want to get out.
I always see something different in myself though....always critize my actions and never just let them be. Even if I let someone elses do exactly that. I never can seem to let myself just be me and so facades are created. I'm softening to people....I know that and I realize it and part of me hates it. So I mask it and secretly long for what I can't have as long as I do so. Risks for me are okay as long as emotionally I can keep up sheilds like stone.
Do we ever really find someone that accepts us for us though?? It's a funny thought.. having someone do that completely. Giving us that part of themselves and accepting that part of our own self. I know so many long for it but realistically how many find it and once they do, do they keep it or end up pushing away one of the greatest things they'll have..... I can't answer my own questions at this point....it's mostly just wondering because I've never come close to having it.... and I don't wonder why. I know myself, at least to a certain extent, on the outside, the surface level. But I do wonder why I push it away, and then just secretly long for it in solitude. I could sum it up as a therapist would... ::blah blah blah:: list a bunch of fun reasons like I never really had it and the people I would've wanted it from weren't there. But that's the past and it doesn't do any good to dredge it up...except that it usually ends up flying back at you and hitting you smack in the head if you don't watch out......
I wonder why my loneliness is so big at 16....when I really shouldn't complain at all. Selfish.... my parents are right about that......