(no subject)
I almost updated my journal tonight with something...that probably would have gotten me into trouble. I'm glad I didn't post it. But I actually wrote out the whole thing, which ended up being much longer than any sane person would have wanted to read, and I guess it was mostly just for me to get it out of my system. It's been sitting inside of me for months now, and I couldn't stand it anymore. Anyway.
So I've been doing a lot of thinking (I don't have a job, so I have almost *too* much time to sit around and think), and I've decided that I really don't like the person I've become. In high school, I was your typical honors student with tons of friends, the highest of the high standards, and a future that nothing could get in the way of. When I look at my life now, I wonder sometimes what I've done with myself. Okay, so I still get decent grades, and I have some of the most amazing friends in the world...but I still feel like nothing's ever enough. My standards have dropped immensely, not because I've become more open minded (which is what I try to tell myself), but because I convince myself of certain things so that I will fit in better. I know that it's my fault that things are the way they are - I was always fine when I was at home and my parents made all my decisions for me. But now that I'm on my own, I don't think I trust myself to make my own decisions, so I either just don't do anything at all, or I let someone (or something) else decide for me. That's so ridiculously sad, and you don't even know how much it pains me to admit that to myself. But I guess it's true that only once you admit you have a problem, can you solve it. So I'm going to try and force myself to take risks, take advantage of opportunities when they're presented to me, and stop being such a damn pushover.
With all that said, I don't want you guys to think I'm a complete headcase. I think I have a really good head on my shoulders, I had an amazing upbringing, and I know what I'm doing...I just need to learn to trust myself. Because if you can't trust yourself, who can you trust? Anyway, thanks for reading if you made it all the way through. Now it's time for me to stop procrastinating and get back to studying for my 2 tests on Wednesday...
So I've been doing a lot of thinking (I don't have a job, so I have almost *too* much time to sit around and think), and I've decided that I really don't like the person I've become. In high school, I was your typical honors student with tons of friends, the highest of the high standards, and a future that nothing could get in the way of. When I look at my life now, I wonder sometimes what I've done with myself. Okay, so I still get decent grades, and I have some of the most amazing friends in the world...but I still feel like nothing's ever enough. My standards have dropped immensely, not because I've become more open minded (which is what I try to tell myself), but because I convince myself of certain things so that I will fit in better. I know that it's my fault that things are the way they are - I was always fine when I was at home and my parents made all my decisions for me. But now that I'm on my own, I don't think I trust myself to make my own decisions, so I either just don't do anything at all, or I let someone (or something) else decide for me. That's so ridiculously sad, and you don't even know how much it pains me to admit that to myself. But I guess it's true that only once you admit you have a problem, can you solve it. So I'm going to try and force myself to take risks, take advantage of opportunities when they're presented to me, and stop being such a damn pushover.
With all that said, I don't want you guys to think I'm a complete headcase. I think I have a really good head on my shoulders, I had an amazing upbringing, and I know what I'm doing...I just need to learn to trust myself. Because if you can't trust yourself, who can you trust? Anyway, thanks for reading if you made it all the way through. Now it's time for me to stop procrastinating and get back to studying for my 2 tests on Wednesday...