I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine.
*Open on the two guys playing a board game ( in this case, clue), they are seated around the kitchen table, with a teddy bear in the third seat, Earl looks bored*
Jim
Alright, I suspect..Mr pink
Earl
There is no Mr Pink
Jim
Oh, right, Mr purple I mean..
Earl
His name is Professor plum
Jim
Right, So I suspect the nerdy teacher, in the bar, with the....( picks up candlestick, examines it)..with the...what is this-a bong??
Earl
It's a candlestick, God I've never met anyone who hasn’t played this game before, let alone couldn't identify a candlestick
Jim
..right, so ya, candlestick, teacher in the pub
Earl
Ok, and by pub I'm guessing you mean the billiard room
Jim(looking confused)
Billiard?
Earl
(sighing) It's like pool.we
* Jim stares, disbelieving*
Jim
Whatever you say chief, billiards...
* Earl checks his cards*
Earl
Well, I don't have anything
Jim
Okay, let's just check to see what Teddy's got
Earl
Why do we always have to play with the bear?
Jim
Earl, refer to him by his proper name
Earl
Fine, why do we have to play with Mr Kensington, it's stupid
Jim
Because, it's a three player game, and if the parker brothers were alive, they'd want us to stick to the rules, we aren't animals after all..well, except for Teddy.. anyway, you just hate him cuz he always wins..
Earl
Pure chance I tell ya!
Jim(lightly chuckling)
Call it what you will my bosom buddy, but he cleaned the floor with you in Monopoly...
*Earl is silenced and begins looking very frustrated*
Shawn
He was lucky! I mean, how else would you explain that victory?! I owned the electrical company and Water Works with hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place to boot! If you ask me, the whole situation was kinda fishy...
Jim
Pish posh! The only time Mr. Kensington cheats is on his taxes..
*Earl is flabbergasted*
Earl
What in the hell are you talking about?! He doesn’t pay taxes!
Jim (smiles)
Exactly...
*Jesse winks*
Jesse
Anywhore, I gotta go relieve myself. Behave you two
* Jim exits*
Earl
Right. No way am I losing out to a stuffed animal again..
*Earl sneaks a look at the mystery cards*
Earl(mockingly)
Now don’t you say anything teddy. Mom’s the word..*taps his nose*
* Jim returns from the bathroom, looks at earl, then at Teddy*
Jim
What happened here?
Earl
What? What are you talking about?? C’mon let’s play, I think I know who it is..
Jim
You cheated didn’t you
Earl
oh please, don’t be ridiculous. Im not you. Let’s play already!
* Jim stares at Teddy, then bends down close to him*
Jim
Is there something you want to tell me Mr Kensington? Don’t worry, he won’t hurt you.
* Earl rolls his eyes, folds arms across his chest*
* Jim puts his ear to teddy’s mouth, nods his head as if he hears something*
Jim
Right. Its come to my attention that you looked at the mystery cards, so Im afraid you forfeit.
* Earl is shocked, feigns anger*
Earl
What?! There’s no way you could possibly know that!
Jim
are you calling teddy a liar?
Earl
No, im calling you a freak! What did you do, watch me from the bathroom or something?
Jim
Hah, fallen into my trap!
* Earl slumps lower in his seat, defeated*
Earl
sometimes I wonder why I ever let you live here-
Jim
woa woa, lets not say hurtful things to one another that will later eat away at our insides
Earl
Okay, then could you stop calling me a glutton every other sentence?
Jim * laughing*
Well, I guess some things are just out of our control aren’t they..
Earl
and when are you going to patch things up with Hazel?!
Jim
Look I told you, im taking it slow with her .She is a sensitive flower, not easily swayed
Earl
Its been two months already! She probably has another boyfriend by now!
* Jim folds up the board game, looks angrily at Earl*
Jim
are you implying that my girlfriend is some sort of hussy?? Because let me tell you she’s never been anything but devoted to me. Im like her God really..
Earl
Look, i didn’t wanna tell you this but I saw her with another guy yesterday..
Jim
What? Don’t be ridiculous , thou shalt worship only one god, its in the bible you blasphemer..
Earl
Well then maybe he was a prophet, but whatever the case may be I saw them making out down by the jiffy lube..he was doin’ some prophesizing
Jim
But that’s our make out place! The bitch!
Earl
well, looks like next time you’re down by the ol’ jiffy lube the only person you’ll be making out with is Gus the Portugese mechanic
* Earl starts to laugh uncontrollably. Jim reaches into a drawer and pulls out a butcher knife. Earl looks around him and picks up a hammer. They square off ready to pounce when the doorbell rings*
I started going through all of these and I pissed my pants...not from laughing but from my urinary track infection. But they're hilarious none the less. Most of this written by JBlizzo and I added in a bit piece...you'll know its mine when you stop laughing.
Enjoy you roustabouts.
Jim
Alright, I suspect..Mr pink
Earl
There is no Mr Pink
Jim
Oh, right, Mr purple I mean..
Earl
His name is Professor plum
Jim
Right, So I suspect the nerdy teacher, in the bar, with the....( picks up candlestick, examines it)..with the...what is this-a bong??
Earl
It's a candlestick, God I've never met anyone who hasn’t played this game before, let alone couldn't identify a candlestick
Jim
..right, so ya, candlestick, teacher in the pub
Earl
Ok, and by pub I'm guessing you mean the billiard room
Jim(looking confused)
Billiard?
Earl
(sighing) It's like pool.we
* Jim stares, disbelieving*
Jim
Whatever you say chief, billiards...
* Earl checks his cards*
Earl
Well, I don't have anything
Jim
Okay, let's just check to see what Teddy's got
Earl
Why do we always have to play with the bear?
Jim
Earl, refer to him by his proper name
Earl
Fine, why do we have to play with Mr Kensington, it's stupid
Jim
Because, it's a three player game, and if the parker brothers were alive, they'd want us to stick to the rules, we aren't animals after all..well, except for Teddy.. anyway, you just hate him cuz he always wins..
Earl
Pure chance I tell ya!
Jim(lightly chuckling)
Call it what you will my bosom buddy, but he cleaned the floor with you in Monopoly...
*Earl is silenced and begins looking very frustrated*
Shawn
He was lucky! I mean, how else would you explain that victory?! I owned the electrical company and Water Works with hotels on Boardwalk and Park Place to boot! If you ask me, the whole situation was kinda fishy...
Jim
Pish posh! The only time Mr. Kensington cheats is on his taxes..
*Earl is flabbergasted*
Earl
What in the hell are you talking about?! He doesn’t pay taxes!
Jim (smiles)
Exactly...
*Jesse winks*
Jesse
Anywhore, I gotta go relieve myself. Behave you two
* Jim exits*
Earl
Right. No way am I losing out to a stuffed animal again..
*Earl sneaks a look at the mystery cards*
Earl(mockingly)
Now don’t you say anything teddy. Mom’s the word..*taps his nose*
* Jim returns from the bathroom, looks at earl, then at Teddy*
Jim
What happened here?
Earl
What? What are you talking about?? C’mon let’s play, I think I know who it is..
Jim
You cheated didn’t you
Earl
oh please, don’t be ridiculous. Im not you. Let’s play already!
* Jim stares at Teddy, then bends down close to him*
Jim
Is there something you want to tell me Mr Kensington? Don’t worry, he won’t hurt you.
* Earl rolls his eyes, folds arms across his chest*
* Jim puts his ear to teddy’s mouth, nods his head as if he hears something*
Jim
Right. Its come to my attention that you looked at the mystery cards, so Im afraid you forfeit.
* Earl is shocked, feigns anger*
Earl
What?! There’s no way you could possibly know that!
Jim
are you calling teddy a liar?
Earl
No, im calling you a freak! What did you do, watch me from the bathroom or something?
Jim
Hah, fallen into my trap!
* Earl slumps lower in his seat, defeated*
Earl
sometimes I wonder why I ever let you live here-
Jim
woa woa, lets not say hurtful things to one another that will later eat away at our insides
Earl
Okay, then could you stop calling me a glutton every other sentence?
Jim * laughing*
Well, I guess some things are just out of our control aren’t they..
Earl
and when are you going to patch things up with Hazel?!
Jim
Look I told you, im taking it slow with her .She is a sensitive flower, not easily swayed
Earl
Its been two months already! She probably has another boyfriend by now!
* Jim folds up the board game, looks angrily at Earl*
Jim
are you implying that my girlfriend is some sort of hussy?? Because let me tell you she’s never been anything but devoted to me. Im like her God really..
Earl
Look, i didn’t wanna tell you this but I saw her with another guy yesterday..
Jim
What? Don’t be ridiculous , thou shalt worship only one god, its in the bible you blasphemer..
Earl
Well then maybe he was a prophet, but whatever the case may be I saw them making out down by the jiffy lube..he was doin’ some prophesizing
Jim
But that’s our make out place! The bitch!
Earl
well, looks like next time you’re down by the ol’ jiffy lube the only person you’ll be making out with is Gus the Portugese mechanic
* Earl starts to laugh uncontrollably. Jim reaches into a drawer and pulls out a butcher knife. Earl looks around him and picks up a hammer. They square off ready to pounce when the doorbell rings*
I started going through all of these and I pissed my pants...not from laughing but from my urinary track infection. But they're hilarious none the less. Most of this written by JBlizzo and I added in a bit piece...you'll know its mine when you stop laughing.
Enjoy you roustabouts.