sad, friends, christmas, vacation blah blah blah yada yada yada
I got in a bit of an argument with my mom, only really it was like me telling her all of the things that have been bothering me about her and the house etc etc. It started when she made a huge fuss about driving me to the optometrists tomorrow to pick up my glasses. She threw a mega hissy fit, which pissed me off. I had made the appointment for the eye exam, gotten myself to said eye exam without a car when the weather was gawd awful, and paid for the frames, lenses, and appointment. And all I asked her to do was drive a town over so I could pick them up. Which would take me a half an hour with her, and like 2 hours to do by myself. And that got me to thinking about how I do a lot of things for myself that I shouldn’t have to do, and how I can’t stand the feeling of being home, because it isn’t actually my home anymore.
So I started crying, and she noticed…and then made me tell her why…and I was hesitant to because sharing my feelings with my mother generally doesn’t end well. She gets very defensive. But I was relatively mature about it, between sobs, and I managed to explain that her being defensive just made me feel like I was unjustified for feeling the way I did, and that it was belittling of my opinions. It took a while to get her to listen and not just defend herself, but in the end I got out a lot of bottled up feelings. It’s really unsettling because I don’t feel comfortable enough at home to want to live here over the summer, but my dads is equally uncomfortable. In both houses, I feel like I am just a visitor, and I walk on egg shells the whole time, and if I ever bum around for a day in my PJs, i feel judged the whole day through. So I really have no good option on where I am going to live over the summer, but I hate the instability of living out of a back pack and jumping back and forth. And I have the whole “how the fuck am I going to pay my school bill” thing going on, which is unnerving as all hell, and I am light years away from being financially stable enough for an apartment.
I think a lot of the problem springs from how I try really hard to be independent. I do a lot to get myself from place to place without bothering my mom or asking for a ride. So she doesn’t really see how much work I actually have to put into it. Like when I take the bus back to school, and it becomes an 8 hour trip, instead of a 4 hour trip. So she doesn’t see when I do need help with something, or ever think to ask.
And then we talked about how much the past sucked, and I hinted at the vast psychological damage that was done that I never let on about. There was a lot more that I spewed out, but that was the basis of it I think. And I clarified some of the misconceptions she has of me, cause it really bothered me some of the assumptions that she made. So I was all like ”mom, I am not a democrat, and I have never smoked pot”. And then she was all like “I was wrong”. Etc etc
So that was my night. Before that I radio showed with Kathryn and Emily. Which was nice. Cause those are two of my favorite people <3. Before that I was at kathryns, makin a playlist, and killing time on the computer, cause she fell asleep for a bit. And then before that I was at the optometrist, who is incredibly friendly. Seriously, I have the best optometrist ever. I went to work a few days earlier this week, and I’ve been in Salem for a few days, so I could go to work and make some monies. And then before that I was at Emily’s for a few days, we watched a meteor shower, and did some jigsaw puzzles and I think I caught a cold there, cause I am full of boogers. And then before that I was at my dad’s. They were getting the house ready for an appraisal, which was awkward, cause Sarah cleaned the whole house from front to back, and my dad has been off pot for a few days, trying to quit, so he is super grumpy about it.
And then before that I was recovering from the throw down, and then before that I was throwing down. That was a really fun week, I met a bunch of super cool people, and I danced, and I enjoyed myself. And I didn’t get sick like last year. I really miss it, and I cant wait till next year. And then before that was Christmas, I shall try to recap some of what I got, but I have a huge ass family, so I know I will miss stuff
magic bullet, woo smoothies, 120 gig ipod, woo music, 80 hand warmers, you know those chemical warm making things, you can put in your gloves, those will be great cause I live in maine, PJ’s, crochet hooks, socks, underpants, purse made from recycled newspaper, hat/scarf/gloves, a really cute hoodie, and a street dogs hoodie from Emily, and the coolest glasses ever+professional cuddlebug kid pirate shirt+patches from Kathryn, some jewelry, which is nice, cause I am much more girly than I have been in the past. And Meredith took a pottery class, and made me, Emily, Adriane and herself mugs that have our camping code names on them…which I shall not repeat here, cause they are slightly embarrassing, but each mug is really personalized and it was like, the coolest gift ever. There is so much detail in each one. Mine says I love scott on it, and has juggling balls on it, and its so cool.
That’s my recap. I am actually kind of excited to go back to school. A little intimidated of my classes this semester, but I miss it none the less, and am excited to go back. I didn’t mean to ramble for this long, and I really need to go to sleep.
So I started crying, and she noticed…and then made me tell her why…and I was hesitant to because sharing my feelings with my mother generally doesn’t end well. She gets very defensive. But I was relatively mature about it, between sobs, and I managed to explain that her being defensive just made me feel like I was unjustified for feeling the way I did, and that it was belittling of my opinions. It took a while to get her to listen and not just defend herself, but in the end I got out a lot of bottled up feelings. It’s really unsettling because I don’t feel comfortable enough at home to want to live here over the summer, but my dads is equally uncomfortable. In both houses, I feel like I am just a visitor, and I walk on egg shells the whole time, and if I ever bum around for a day in my PJs, i feel judged the whole day through. So I really have no good option on where I am going to live over the summer, but I hate the instability of living out of a back pack and jumping back and forth. And I have the whole “how the fuck am I going to pay my school bill” thing going on, which is unnerving as all hell, and I am light years away from being financially stable enough for an apartment.
I think a lot of the problem springs from how I try really hard to be independent. I do a lot to get myself from place to place without bothering my mom or asking for a ride. So she doesn’t really see how much work I actually have to put into it. Like when I take the bus back to school, and it becomes an 8 hour trip, instead of a 4 hour trip. So she doesn’t see when I do need help with something, or ever think to ask.
And then we talked about how much the past sucked, and I hinted at the vast psychological damage that was done that I never let on about. There was a lot more that I spewed out, but that was the basis of it I think. And I clarified some of the misconceptions she has of me, cause it really bothered me some of the assumptions that she made. So I was all like ”mom, I am not a democrat, and I have never smoked pot”. And then she was all like “I was wrong”. Etc etc
So that was my night. Before that I radio showed with Kathryn and Emily. Which was nice. Cause those are two of my favorite people <3. Before that I was at kathryns, makin a playlist, and killing time on the computer, cause she fell asleep for a bit. And then before that I was at the optometrist, who is incredibly friendly. Seriously, I have the best optometrist ever. I went to work a few days earlier this week, and I’ve been in Salem for a few days, so I could go to work and make some monies. And then before that I was at Emily’s for a few days, we watched a meteor shower, and did some jigsaw puzzles and I think I caught a cold there, cause I am full of boogers. And then before that I was at my dad’s. They were getting the house ready for an appraisal, which was awkward, cause Sarah cleaned the whole house from front to back, and my dad has been off pot for a few days, trying to quit, so he is super grumpy about it.
And then before that I was recovering from the throw down, and then before that I was throwing down. That was a really fun week, I met a bunch of super cool people, and I danced, and I enjoyed myself. And I didn’t get sick like last year. I really miss it, and I cant wait till next year. And then before that was Christmas, I shall try to recap some of what I got, but I have a huge ass family, so I know I will miss stuff
magic bullet, woo smoothies, 120 gig ipod, woo music, 80 hand warmers, you know those chemical warm making things, you can put in your gloves, those will be great cause I live in maine, PJ’s, crochet hooks, socks, underpants, purse made from recycled newspaper, hat/scarf/gloves, a really cute hoodie, and a street dogs hoodie from Emily, and the coolest glasses ever+professional cuddlebug kid pirate shirt+patches from Kathryn, some jewelry, which is nice, cause I am much more girly than I have been in the past. And Meredith took a pottery class, and made me, Emily, Adriane and herself mugs that have our camping code names on them…which I shall not repeat here, cause they are slightly embarrassing, but each mug is really personalized and it was like, the coolest gift ever. There is so much detail in each one. Mine says I love scott on it, and has juggling balls on it, and its so cool.
That’s my recap. I am actually kind of excited to go back to school. A little intimidated of my classes this semester, but I miss it none the less, and am excited to go back. I didn’t mean to ramble for this long, and I really need to go to sleep.