(no subject)
ah.
my so called life is not so interesting so i have nothing that might enlighten you all. i haven't written in a while. i need to find my drive again. it is killing me. i've been meaning to read a lot of books but school has got me so busy and so wrapped up that i just can't seem to find the time. you know? i'm getting the worst grades i've ever gotten in the history of my high school career, at least...and sophomore year is so hard, and geometry sucks my imaginary left nut and it is so hard for me to crawl out of this pit i've suddenly found myself in. some friends are as flaky as ever, and others stick by me. sometimes i feel as if i don't deserve the shitty friends, but at the same time i feel like i don't deserve the loyal ones. the ones who are with me through fat and skinny. the ones who know my deepest secrets, and share my fondest memories and funniest inside jokes. i'm not the pleasant little girl i once thought i was. i used to be the girl everybody came to, and the one my friends always bragged about to their parents. i was young i was naive, but at least i was nice, at least i was happy with myself and i didn't feel i needed fashion or makeup to make me who i am. i'm still not utterly obsessed with looking a certain way, but i mean, it gets to me like it does get to quite a few other girls. at this point in my life i have a lot of friends, and a lot of acquaintences and a lot of people i want to be friends with. but sometimes i am so mean and i don't even mean to. i have this subtle anger, this passive aggresiveness to me and i put up this wall that i try not to let ANYBODY break down. and i don't know what to do to fix myself. not everybody notices this flawed side of me, but the most important thing is that i do and i'm so worried that it's going to put me in a position that i really don't want to be in. what position that might be i don't know yet, but so many situations are unpredictable and i'm going to be as cautious as i think necessary.
maybe it's only this side i let out when i feel insecure? i have yet to decipher myself as well as i tend to analyze the people around me. the ones i know and the ones i don;'t know. the ones i am familiar with and the ones i don't wish to associate myself with. since when have i become so judgemental? so hurtful? this is some new me and i am not satisfied. this is not the girl my dad would have wanted me to be, nor anybody else who helped bring me up. it is mostly a side of me that nobody else see. i wish it would go away.
my so called life is not so interesting so i have nothing that might enlighten you all. i haven't written in a while. i need to find my drive again. it is killing me. i've been meaning to read a lot of books but school has got me so busy and so wrapped up that i just can't seem to find the time. you know? i'm getting the worst grades i've ever gotten in the history of my high school career, at least...and sophomore year is so hard, and geometry sucks my imaginary left nut and it is so hard for me to crawl out of this pit i've suddenly found myself in. some friends are as flaky as ever, and others stick by me. sometimes i feel as if i don't deserve the shitty friends, but at the same time i feel like i don't deserve the loyal ones. the ones who are with me through fat and skinny. the ones who know my deepest secrets, and share my fondest memories and funniest inside jokes. i'm not the pleasant little girl i once thought i was. i used to be the girl everybody came to, and the one my friends always bragged about to their parents. i was young i was naive, but at least i was nice, at least i was happy with myself and i didn't feel i needed fashion or makeup to make me who i am. i'm still not utterly obsessed with looking a certain way, but i mean, it gets to me like it does get to quite a few other girls. at this point in my life i have a lot of friends, and a lot of acquaintences and a lot of people i want to be friends with. but sometimes i am so mean and i don't even mean to. i have this subtle anger, this passive aggresiveness to me and i put up this wall that i try not to let ANYBODY break down. and i don't know what to do to fix myself. not everybody notices this flawed side of me, but the most important thing is that i do and i'm so worried that it's going to put me in a position that i really don't want to be in. what position that might be i don't know yet, but so many situations are unpredictable and i'm going to be as cautious as i think necessary.
maybe it's only this side i let out when i feel insecure? i have yet to decipher myself as well as i tend to analyze the people around me. the ones i know and the ones i don;'t know. the ones i am familiar with and the ones i don't wish to associate myself with. since when have i become so judgemental? so hurtful? this is some new me and i am not satisfied. this is not the girl my dad would have wanted me to be, nor anybody else who helped bring me up. it is mostly a side of me that nobody else see. i wish it would go away.