This seems to be a common theme...
So, I'm suffering Insomnia again...
*sigh* I think its probably because I'm so freakin stressed out... no, I don't use the word frivolously, either... I'm bloody freaking out.. and for what? I'm an idiot, that's why, I think.
My mom told me, today, that I am altogether too self-absorbed. I'd have to agree. I wouldn't be able to do what I have to if I wasn't. Do other people not matter to me? Oh, I wouldn't say that... Do other people matter less to me than I do? Again, I'd have to disagree. I think I've put my friends and my family's physical, emotional and intellectual well being before my own.. particularly my own sleep.. too many times for me to believe that.
So, what's keeping me up?
A friend... well, really, one of Michael's friends.. but I tend to adopt others' friends so freely.. and his girl split up today...
Dan and Dani broke up a mere 5 days ago...
Cheryl and Jonathan broke up ages ago...
What's keeping me up is the point of teenage relationships. The question that haunts my existence... literally, my dreams, my sleep, my waking movements... is Dr. Dandaneau's question when I told him I was considering double majoring....
What is to be gained, Deepika?
What, indeed, is to be gained? Pleasure? Distraction from the pain and suffering of the priviledge of college life? A distraction from tests, homework, quizzes, papers... having to deal, and responsibly so, with pressures to do everything but follow the straight and narrow...
I had a long talk with my father this morning. Something I never do. And I do mean never. Long talks I equate with bonding time with mom. Seriously. Dad? Good heavens! We can't agree on the length of grass on our greens! *sigh* I know I'm turning out to be like mom, and honestly I never get along with dad... can this be good? But at the end of the day, (well, it was 7 am... what was I doing up? I still ask myself) if I can still have a long, reflective chap with my father about life, faith, and baseball... he can't be all that bad, eh?
Dad doesn't believe I should date. He didn't think I should in high school. He doesn't think I should in college... then again, he probably would love to see me become a nun, too... I'm beginning to get the impression my parents think I'm young, innocent, and naive. And here is the scary part: they love me that way. The only chap my parents didn't have a problem with was Jonathan... (but that's because my entire family was convinced he was gay..) Anyway, they don't want to see me grow up. The more I consider the prospect of dating in the fall... (ok, not really "dating", because I'm not exactly playing the field... I'm interesting in one chap only, period.) the more I realize how much more organized, how much more mature I need to be... how much more I need to grow up. I guess my parents really hate the fact that I am changing.. I am growing up... while this may be a scary prospect.. it was bound to happen... Does that mean I'm going to stop being ditzy, fun, and easy to tease? Goodness, I hope not! As silly as people make me feel sometimes, I love seeing people smile. Yes, I am just that conceited... how many other people dedicate an entire entry to themselves... oh that's right... every teenager on the face of the planet! hahahahah. *sigh* It's always refreshing, when one thinks one is too far into the oblivion of self-absorption to stop and consider how uniquely one might express one's self... yes, unique.. just like everyone else... wow, its good to be "normal", I hope.
So, what is to be gained?
I guess I'll just have to give me the same answer I did Dr. D.
"It'll be fun."
Until the heartbreak, of course, and then the tears, and the anger.. and then life moves on... I'll grit my teeth, pull up my socks, and bury my head into my books, and amidst waist-deep waters of self-pity cry out to the Lord... as I always do. *sigh* can life get more predictable?
Plan B: I could stop over analyzing, realize that I have 4 LONG months of summer vacation, an awesome God, a fabulous family, supporting friends, an understanding Michael, pray and go to bed.
Plan C: I could keep worrying... and I just remembered.. I have still to panic about my biology and Chem grades.. Gosh I hope I passed...!
Oh to heck with it.. I could just follow plan B and go to bed... if I can. If I do go to sleep, my anxiety will probably cause me to waltz through the halls of the D'Cunha homestead... fully asleep, of course... or mutter anxious reflections, expressions of horror, or other such balderdash... on the plus side, I have my own room, so atleast I won't wake everyone else...
Well, its 2 25AM and time for all good little worry warts to go to bed. Tomorrow, I can take on humanity and its concerns... tonight was for me.
er.. I'm leaving I promise...
Oh in other news... Vicky is definately missing. Talked to Jeffy.. no idea... Talked to Andrew.. also clueless... pearls of wisdom from Jeff: maybe its good to be with someone who doesn't agree with you all the time.. and he calls himself conservative?! Ha! And apparently the evil clone swears to tick off people like me... um... too bad I'm not really ticked off, eh?
Ok, this has cheered me up considerable... hopefully I might actually be able to fall asleep in an hour or two...
*sigh* I think its probably because I'm so freakin stressed out... no, I don't use the word frivolously, either... I'm bloody freaking out.. and for what? I'm an idiot, that's why, I think.
My mom told me, today, that I am altogether too self-absorbed. I'd have to agree. I wouldn't be able to do what I have to if I wasn't. Do other people not matter to me? Oh, I wouldn't say that... Do other people matter less to me than I do? Again, I'd have to disagree. I think I've put my friends and my family's physical, emotional and intellectual well being before my own.. particularly my own sleep.. too many times for me to believe that.
So, what's keeping me up?
A friend... well, really, one of Michael's friends.. but I tend to adopt others' friends so freely.. and his girl split up today...
Dan and Dani broke up a mere 5 days ago...
Cheryl and Jonathan broke up ages ago...
What's keeping me up is the point of teenage relationships. The question that haunts my existence... literally, my dreams, my sleep, my waking movements... is Dr. Dandaneau's question when I told him I was considering double majoring....
What is to be gained, Deepika?
What, indeed, is to be gained? Pleasure? Distraction from the pain and suffering of the priviledge of college life? A distraction from tests, homework, quizzes, papers... having to deal, and responsibly so, with pressures to do everything but follow the straight and narrow...
I had a long talk with my father this morning. Something I never do. And I do mean never. Long talks I equate with bonding time with mom. Seriously. Dad? Good heavens! We can't agree on the length of grass on our greens! *sigh* I know I'm turning out to be like mom, and honestly I never get along with dad... can this be good? But at the end of the day, (well, it was 7 am... what was I doing up? I still ask myself) if I can still have a long, reflective chap with my father about life, faith, and baseball... he can't be all that bad, eh?
Dad doesn't believe I should date. He didn't think I should in high school. He doesn't think I should in college... then again, he probably would love to see me become a nun, too... I'm beginning to get the impression my parents think I'm young, innocent, and naive. And here is the scary part: they love me that way. The only chap my parents didn't have a problem with was Jonathan... (but that's because my entire family was convinced he was gay..) Anyway, they don't want to see me grow up. The more I consider the prospect of dating in the fall... (ok, not really "dating", because I'm not exactly playing the field... I'm interesting in one chap only, period.) the more I realize how much more organized, how much more mature I need to be... how much more I need to grow up. I guess my parents really hate the fact that I am changing.. I am growing up... while this may be a scary prospect.. it was bound to happen... Does that mean I'm going to stop being ditzy, fun, and easy to tease? Goodness, I hope not! As silly as people make me feel sometimes, I love seeing people smile. Yes, I am just that conceited... how many other people dedicate an entire entry to themselves... oh that's right... every teenager on the face of the planet! hahahahah. *sigh* It's always refreshing, when one thinks one is too far into the oblivion of self-absorption to stop and consider how uniquely one might express one's self... yes, unique.. just like everyone else... wow, its good to be "normal", I hope.
So, what is to be gained?
I guess I'll just have to give me the same answer I did Dr. D.
"It'll be fun."
Until the heartbreak, of course, and then the tears, and the anger.. and then life moves on... I'll grit my teeth, pull up my socks, and bury my head into my books, and amidst waist-deep waters of self-pity cry out to the Lord... as I always do. *sigh* can life get more predictable?
Plan B: I could stop over analyzing, realize that I have 4 LONG months of summer vacation, an awesome God, a fabulous family, supporting friends, an understanding Michael, pray and go to bed.
Plan C: I could keep worrying... and I just remembered.. I have still to panic about my biology and Chem grades.. Gosh I hope I passed...!
Oh to heck with it.. I could just follow plan B and go to bed... if I can. If I do go to sleep, my anxiety will probably cause me to waltz through the halls of the D'Cunha homestead... fully asleep, of course... or mutter anxious reflections, expressions of horror, or other such balderdash... on the plus side, I have my own room, so atleast I won't wake everyone else...
Well, its 2 25AM and time for all good little worry warts to go to bed. Tomorrow, I can take on humanity and its concerns... tonight was for me.
er.. I'm leaving I promise...
Oh in other news... Vicky is definately missing. Talked to Jeffy.. no idea... Talked to Andrew.. also clueless... pearls of wisdom from Jeff: maybe its good to be with someone who doesn't agree with you all the time.. and he calls himself conservative?! Ha! And apparently the evil clone swears to tick off people like me... um... too bad I'm not really ticked off, eh?
Ok, this has cheered me up considerable... hopefully I might actually be able to fall asleep in an hour or two...