(no subject)
I'm sort-of frustrated. There's constantly this swirling mass of confusion rushing through my mind; at times it becomes docile, or funnels itself in a certain direction, or hides all together. But then when I think that the tempest is gone, it swells back up; more frequently lately, at that. I guess this is what it feels like to just live, without the hiding in my mind or any of that. I'm glad to feel it, though it's a lot harder than sitting back and pretending to watch life pass you by; it's much more work, but I think it's worth it. The good ought to be magnified as well. I'm acting much more instinctually now, which is not always a good thing, but I think I can strike a balance there. The studying is stressful, but it's not that bad. I'm scared of these transformations I'm going through, but I'm going through them nevertheless (with eyes open to their effects, hopefully). I think this frustration has more to do with that, and with a situation that has been on my mind for a while now (to varying degrees, and with varying specificity). A few of you know what I mean, and as for anyone else who read this: I'm sorry, but I don't wish to be any more specific about the situation on here (though, I don't kid myself into thinking that most anyone couldn't guess at it correctly). I figure it'll fade. I'd love to think it could be resolved - and I know that I should just grow some balls and make that happen - but I might just give up, still too afraid to tell someone the truth even though I don't think I'd be telling them anything they haven't already picked up on. I'm just about this close to saying fuck it all and just coming out with how I feel, but I still have myself checked (at least for now). It's much smarter that way, even if it magnifies and tears at me when I bottle it up. Eh, life is what it is. I'll just toss this aside like so many other things until I can't stand to toss it anymore, and then I'll deal with it.