(no subject)
Today Dayna and family came down to NYC to do some last minute sightseeing before they move away, and I got to visit with everyone. I miss the kids dearly. It was so hard saying goodbye to them after not seeing them for 3 months after seeing them everyday. They are so cute. I love them so much. I was so glad when Gabe gave me this huge hug when I first saw him, even though he later didn't hug me goodbye. When I lived with them Gabe was a bit standoffish, which midway through my stay Dayna suggested he might be jealous of Libby who captured more of my attention. This had been completely unintentional on my part, but mostly a result of Libby being so eager to catch my attention, and Gabe wouldn't seek it out as much.
I just saw Lindsey's wedding shower pictures. I'm so sad I had to miss it. I hate co-oping and moving all the time. I have no constant, and I miss out on the things that you get to be a part of when you stay still. You miss so much when you're constantly moving. I'm stuck in New York and I miss out on my home town. Its also I'm here for such a short time, that it doesn't make sense for me to make a short trip home. Especially since I spend so much just moving here and back. I really feel bad because not only will I miss the bridal shower, but I won't be able to make the wedding party either.
When I returned home tonight I talked to the roommate Darwin, who had to send his boyfriend off to the airport to San Fransisco. We talked about relationshippy things. He was asking about my relationship with Jason, which today by the way is our official one year anniversary. I always get so flustered when people ask me about it. I hardly ever know what to say about it, because I don't really ever talk about my relationships much. So I talked some. I brought up how Jason and I are considering living together next fall. Really its me deciding if I want to. It's something I'd like to do, but I'm not sure it's the best thing to do. I feel conflicted. Really its just I really don't like the idea of moving in together as a rule. The idea of playing house and "testing" things out is not one I agree with. I feel like you can know if its right before moving in together, and having an easy out makes you less willing to try to make it out, allowing you to sabotage your relationship. Really its kind of odd how I feel about it, cause I'm not nervous about how it will be. I'm fairly confident things would go well for us if we lived together. I'm just realizing if I were to change my mind on how I felt about living together, I would need a good reason to, but I don't know what that would be.
It's crazy how connected I feel with Jason. Sometimes I try and figure it out if its good or bad. Bad would be in the sense that I hinder my potential for connections with others. But really for the most part, I don't really care that much. It's weird to me how important having Jason in my life has become to me.
I hate school controlling my life right now. I just want to be done, and free of its reigns. I'm ready in so many ways to be a professional in my field, yet I am completely cut off from my real job by the artificial boundary of my final year of college. I hate talking about my plans after graduation, because I have no ability to predict what certain large factors will have a dictating force in what I'll do. The availability of jobs and where I'll move are still widely up in the air. And job seekers for a first job a year before graduation is not really considered by most employers. This outside source says so much about where i will be able to settle down. Then on top of that is the question, will Jason and I move to the same city after graduation, assuming we're still together. Honestly I really feel I can't seriously consider the answer to this question. My mom actually asked me if Jason and I would try to live in the same city. I basically told her a year is a long time, and I'm not really considering that yet. She asked me that a couple of months ago, I was kind of surprised by it. She even seemed kind of encouraging of us living in the same city, while I know she doesn't like people moving in together. I felt she was kind of telling me if I decide we're really serious to stay with him, and not do long distance. What a surprise from my mother.
My head is really full right now. Full of everything. Lindsey, if you're reading this, I intend on calling you soon. Since we didn't get to meet up before I left Ohio, and you went to Hawaii, I wanted to talk, but I haven't been sure when you got home, and I figured you'd be busy. And I've been busy. Anyways, expect a call soon.
Well, I think I'm going to go now. So how did this compare to my typical vagueness?
I just saw Lindsey's wedding shower pictures. I'm so sad I had to miss it. I hate co-oping and moving all the time. I have no constant, and I miss out on the things that you get to be a part of when you stay still. You miss so much when you're constantly moving. I'm stuck in New York and I miss out on my home town. Its also I'm here for such a short time, that it doesn't make sense for me to make a short trip home. Especially since I spend so much just moving here and back. I really feel bad because not only will I miss the bridal shower, but I won't be able to make the wedding party either.
When I returned home tonight I talked to the roommate Darwin, who had to send his boyfriend off to the airport to San Fransisco. We talked about relationshippy things. He was asking about my relationship with Jason, which today by the way is our official one year anniversary. I always get so flustered when people ask me about it. I hardly ever know what to say about it, because I don't really ever talk about my relationships much. So I talked some. I brought up how Jason and I are considering living together next fall. Really its me deciding if I want to. It's something I'd like to do, but I'm not sure it's the best thing to do. I feel conflicted. Really its just I really don't like the idea of moving in together as a rule. The idea of playing house and "testing" things out is not one I agree with. I feel like you can know if its right before moving in together, and having an easy out makes you less willing to try to make it out, allowing you to sabotage your relationship. Really its kind of odd how I feel about it, cause I'm not nervous about how it will be. I'm fairly confident things would go well for us if we lived together. I'm just realizing if I were to change my mind on how I felt about living together, I would need a good reason to, but I don't know what that would be.
It's crazy how connected I feel with Jason. Sometimes I try and figure it out if its good or bad. Bad would be in the sense that I hinder my potential for connections with others. But really for the most part, I don't really care that much. It's weird to me how important having Jason in my life has become to me.
I hate school controlling my life right now. I just want to be done, and free of its reigns. I'm ready in so many ways to be a professional in my field, yet I am completely cut off from my real job by the artificial boundary of my final year of college. I hate talking about my plans after graduation, because I have no ability to predict what certain large factors will have a dictating force in what I'll do. The availability of jobs and where I'll move are still widely up in the air. And job seekers for a first job a year before graduation is not really considered by most employers. This outside source says so much about where i will be able to settle down. Then on top of that is the question, will Jason and I move to the same city after graduation, assuming we're still together. Honestly I really feel I can't seriously consider the answer to this question. My mom actually asked me if Jason and I would try to live in the same city. I basically told her a year is a long time, and I'm not really considering that yet. She asked me that a couple of months ago, I was kind of surprised by it. She even seemed kind of encouraging of us living in the same city, while I know she doesn't like people moving in together. I felt she was kind of telling me if I decide we're really serious to stay with him, and not do long distance. What a surprise from my mother.
My head is really full right now. Full of everything. Lindsey, if you're reading this, I intend on calling you soon. Since we didn't get to meet up before I left Ohio, and you went to Hawaii, I wanted to talk, but I haven't been sure when you got home, and I figured you'd be busy. And I've been busy. Anyways, expect a call soon.
Well, I think I'm going to go now. So how did this compare to my typical vagueness?