One looooong freaking night
Well journal, I haven't talked to you in so llong I thought I'd do it now.
It's thursday night, time to write the remaining 3/4ths of my paper. Joy. That won't suck, it's just the citations, possible quotations, the interview, and the questions. The non-paper stuff that I have yet to do.
It's the model united nations research I need to do. It's the extra credit I need for my college class. I guess when you take it as easy as me, you gotta pay out for it sometime ; ) Well, that's fine, I love sleepless nights.
I even have it planned, tommorow before school, after my sleep fasting, I shall go to starbucks and tell the salesperson clearly "I have not slept in over 24 hours, I have excellent cardiovascular health, and I will be stationary for the next 5 hours. Please give me something that will keep me awake, and throw a vanilla milk in with that. Guess seeing nathan for so long was a bad idea, or maybe it was putting off my paper for thirty minutes till I went to class. Oh, well. I am not looking forward to friday afternoon.
Friday afternoon, once filled with so much promise of relaxation and exaltation, now holds the threat of a hollow and wasted afternoon. The kind of afternoon I won't be having for too much longer. The kind where you have nothing but a car, the slowly setting sun and your friends to make a fun time come true. How I love my friday afternoons. What shall I do if I should sleep? I would not relent on sleeping, and thereby waste my day. I would proceed to saturday's work, and thus be tired again. Before you know it, it's sunday, I'm exhausted, and I saw my friends, the only real reason why anything is worth anything, an accumulated 3 hours.
So many messageses... trying to write them all at once.
I remember my freshman year, and those years of middle school. Where I still didn't see my friends regularly, and I wasn't exactly popular at all. I would come home, throw my bag on the ground, and entrench myself in something. I could watch anymovie, play any game, read anything, imagine anything, do anything. If I wanted I could go for a walk down DOG street, and hang out in razouli's. I could just sit out in the summery afternoon and hear the squeel of bus breaks that strain all day, every day. I could be alone, and be happy.
Friends are the sole life maker for me. Nature is beautiful, videogames are fun, music is amazing, and tv is just plain entrancing. But friends are the only thing worth your while. I've had hurricane that take away all those things. No music, no videogames, (rent song coming on ; )) and it doesn't matter. You don't even miss them, you've got your friends. Meals don't even matter, soup and crackers tastes like the best thing you've had in a year. You've got friends, candlelight, and crickets.
Oh how I wish I had known nathan and james better then, the four of us, haning out, every day, FOR A WEEK! My god, that week would have been sent from you to me, as a gift. A pleasure cruise of my teenage years. Alone, I like, together, I love. Satisfaction can come streaming out when two or more of us sit playing guitars together, or sing, or waltz, or swim, or walk. Life is wonderful, there's so much to enjoy. School is wonderful, it's a joy. It's a shame school and life don't coincide so easily. Life, you have such strange store hours.
Hey james, like my writing? I think I'm turning into you. Slowly. Not that it's a bad thing mind you, I'd be more educated than I could possibly need to be, and articulate. But without your mind behind it, it'll be non-sensical rambling without any art or depth or meaning or soul or spirit or anything. It'll be me, remincing, randomly, endlessly. I spent a block writing three-pages of poetry with the song "Pinball wizard" blowing constantly in my head. I could hear "the Who" singing my poem. The words were terrible, and I know it, I'm not sad or regretful, cause I don't really want to be poetic. It'd be nice, I'd use it if I had it. But it was a kind of electronic griping session that I have been cheated out of for so long. Mrs. Crawford doesn't like the very essence of me, my disruptive anti-educational randomness and loudness. So I make it look like I'm working furiously, and really just saying "Up yours world, but with some style" only it was lame, and kinda rhymed. Brit hung on to it for posterity, it's a shame I'm not good, or it'd be worth saving. But that's what you get with me, or soemthing. I'm in a good mood really, I'm not like "ohhh boo me, me = bad" I'm much more just realizitcly reflecting. And sometimes people will hear me realisticly reflect and think I have low self-esteem. I don't, I just have a clear view of what is and isn't true about me. I should know, I have some experience being me.
My dad told me to decide wheather I'm going to college in washington or not, by tommorow. Wow, thanks dad. I'll always love you. It's the biggest descion I've had to make to date in my life, and I get a day to decide right when I'm handeling ten tons of processed bird droppings through my computer in the form of a case study. Gross, I know. It's just my humor, I applogize to those it offended, I just can't not be me. To all of those out there who want me to not be me, YOU CAN FORGET IT! I will always laugh loudly, and want to be heard, and say gross things that I think are funny, and wonder too much about that which should not be thought of, and make crude jokes, and like nerdy girls, and dance poorly, and say inept things, and be a poor dresser and look awkward. These things are me. I like wearing one color shirts that look faded and match my backpack. I like my hair frizzy and swirly and sticking up in parts. I like having wrinkles under my eyes ALREADY! I want to be an old man, I want grey hair and wierd skin and say stuff that doesn't make sense and everyone to think I am a slow, stupid old coger. It'll be fun. But I'm trying to distract myself from the impending descion. Freinds are everything, and I can play out a thousand scenarioes a minutes. I can see me spending my time with drew and tiff at odu, endless sitting in cafeterias laughing and telling random nerdiness.
Okay, good. I just told you how I feel, that's good. I hope you know how gay I feel right now, but no wait... I am secure. I don't care what others would think, I'm proud of how I feel about my friends.
I can also see being over on the west coast and every few days going to a mountain campground or to the city for a coffehouse or all natural market. I can see seeing my best friend brittany all the time that I can. I can see following her about with endless hours of fun. I can see it like I was watching a movie montage of my life. I can see it.
I can see having nathan come visit me at roanoake, and walking aimlessly with samurai dominating all conversations, nerdiness, though he hate the word, would prevail. Good times by all would be had.
Even people like Salzman and Brad, I'll miss them. I'll still wish to see them. I'll want to, but I know I won't be able to ever do it for real. Maybe on IM we might say we will, soon. Next week, after exams, this summer. Fat chance joel, don't get your hopes up. say good bye to travis, and sean and even louis. Say good bye to the people who you liked, and maybe liked you. But I WANT to see them, why can't I? Because, it's college, you wanted to go there, didn't you? You don't want to stay in highschool forever.
But I like highschool. LIKED. It's not high school anymore, it doesn't even feel like it and there's still nine weeks left. Everyone is bracing for it. For leaving. See you lady, It's been fun but I'm leaving so why stay close? See you guys, "let's keep in touch". HAH!
Well, I like high school, and the people in it. Shucks to those who don't like me, I like them anyways. Shucks to you drama folks, I likes you anyways, shucks to you engineering class, I think you are all nerds at heart and wish I could listen to you all all the time, from your racism redneckiness to your hidden nerdiness. Shucks to you me, with your stupid sadness. You have good things, a good life, so you whine about everything else or your self and piss off people. Good plan. Sorry me, I don't mean too, I guess I'm just passionate. That's an excuse. probably. Not even going to argue. Nah, I always lose. : ) Always.
Wow, bet your wierded out, but I'm not finished yet. I'm gonna keep riding this feeling till my gut says stop. I want to know everyone, and I want to spend time with everyone. Why does nobody like anna, she's such a nice girl. Why do people treat eachother poorly. I do it too, just like anybody,but I wish everyone could have friends, and be happy. Even if for them to be happy they have to have no friends, and to be unahppy. I worry that there are people like that, and I can't help them, because i make it harder for them to be happy. If I could just send love to everyone on earth, that'd be great. If I could make sense and not sound gay, that'd be even greater. Wow, you've stopped reading. Don't blame you, you should give up, I'm just typing to see what I have to type, I don't have a point or a message anymore. It's not even persoanl, now it's all fake. Typing to type.
Wonder if way out there, there's a girl for every little boy. Or if were all just people, and we get along sometimes, and we don't others. The world can feel so..... plain I guess. Free. Unbounded. SOmetimes I feel like it would just be, life would feel like life, killing someone or being shot to death. Having a baby, or craling through a jungle, or sleeping on a bed of cats. It's all.... life.
okay, I think it's starting to leave my body. Slowly.
Wonder what it'd be like to feel life leaving you, mmmm. Dieing, scary. Cause what if the hereafter is just as.....plain. What if it's just like life. MMM, it's possible for me to conetmplate what it'd be like for there to be no afterlife. To just cease to exsist. It'd be like a blank space, and it never starts again. It'd be so sad. Thought, ending. Exsistence, conciousness, ending. I believe in judgement. In good and bad, and in a reward or punishment. Your being continues to grow and change as you age, why should it end? unless all things were ment to end. ALl things are ment to end I think. Maybe I am too. Not just life, but being. Exsisting. EVER. But then why are things. What made them? God. The creator. Well, did he end too? Mmm, I wish I knew more about him/her. Can one even give God a gender? God doesn't have a sex, for the sheer fact of not having sex. Sex was made by God, not made for her/him. Oh well, I love life.
Ich liebe leben.
Ich lebe lieben.
Joel Searles
Well, journal. Shoutouts.
Brittany: Your a pretty lady, a cool lady and an awesome friend. I hope nathan asks you out soon, he's a nice boy, a cool guy, and a solid lutheran.
Jimmy: Why do we not talk so much, we see eachother online, why do we not hang out, when we see each other in the day. Me thinks there may be a bond to form, may hap a camping trip or go to war together. Either way, your friend hana, is cute. thought I'd say that, cause I noticed at lunch and well, I'm not embarassed.
Natty bumpo: You won't read this, you don't know to read this. Your a good man, I intend to see you after college. You damn well better hang out with me or I'll backfist you! If you don't you'll make this one sad joel.
Bert of drew: WHy are you so cool!?!!?!?!?!?!? Strongsad it all the way dude
Tiff: PROM!!!!!! I want to go, to dinner, c'mon and talk to me about dinner.
Megan: I hope you can come to prom, and have a splendid evening. I'm sorry I made things wierd, I kinda liked you, but that made things wierd, so it's cool. Your a nice girl, and you should find a nice boy, and be nice to each other ; )
Travis: You = cool, you = nice, you = fun. Me = wishing to hang out with you. That = not very likeley. Me = sad. did you say me = hot?????
Louis: I still think your funny and cool even though you hit me with an apple. Let's try to put it behind us.
Brad: You are a funny funny man, and coool I remeber the old days when we were nearly best firends. Remebers? We lived down the street. You won't read this, so you can't remember.
Sean: You+me= two cool nerdy guys. you dude are one cool fella. Let us have a good asu and actually chill together.
EVERYBODY ELSE YOU ALL ARE GREAT!!!!!
It's thursday night, time to write the remaining 3/4ths of my paper. Joy. That won't suck, it's just the citations, possible quotations, the interview, and the questions. The non-paper stuff that I have yet to do.
It's the model united nations research I need to do. It's the extra credit I need for my college class. I guess when you take it as easy as me, you gotta pay out for it sometime ; ) Well, that's fine, I love sleepless nights.
I even have it planned, tommorow before school, after my sleep fasting, I shall go to starbucks and tell the salesperson clearly "I have not slept in over 24 hours, I have excellent cardiovascular health, and I will be stationary for the next 5 hours. Please give me something that will keep me awake, and throw a vanilla milk in with that. Guess seeing nathan for so long was a bad idea, or maybe it was putting off my paper for thirty minutes till I went to class. Oh, well. I am not looking forward to friday afternoon.
Friday afternoon, once filled with so much promise of relaxation and exaltation, now holds the threat of a hollow and wasted afternoon. The kind of afternoon I won't be having for too much longer. The kind where you have nothing but a car, the slowly setting sun and your friends to make a fun time come true. How I love my friday afternoons. What shall I do if I should sleep? I would not relent on sleeping, and thereby waste my day. I would proceed to saturday's work, and thus be tired again. Before you know it, it's sunday, I'm exhausted, and I saw my friends, the only real reason why anything is worth anything, an accumulated 3 hours.
So many messageses... trying to write them all at once.
I remember my freshman year, and those years of middle school. Where I still didn't see my friends regularly, and I wasn't exactly popular at all. I would come home, throw my bag on the ground, and entrench myself in something. I could watch anymovie, play any game, read anything, imagine anything, do anything. If I wanted I could go for a walk down DOG street, and hang out in razouli's. I could just sit out in the summery afternoon and hear the squeel of bus breaks that strain all day, every day. I could be alone, and be happy.
Friends are the sole life maker for me. Nature is beautiful, videogames are fun, music is amazing, and tv is just plain entrancing. But friends are the only thing worth your while. I've had hurricane that take away all those things. No music, no videogames, (rent song coming on ; )) and it doesn't matter. You don't even miss them, you've got your friends. Meals don't even matter, soup and crackers tastes like the best thing you've had in a year. You've got friends, candlelight, and crickets.
Oh how I wish I had known nathan and james better then, the four of us, haning out, every day, FOR A WEEK! My god, that week would have been sent from you to me, as a gift. A pleasure cruise of my teenage years. Alone, I like, together, I love. Satisfaction can come streaming out when two or more of us sit playing guitars together, or sing, or waltz, or swim, or walk. Life is wonderful, there's so much to enjoy. School is wonderful, it's a joy. It's a shame school and life don't coincide so easily. Life, you have such strange store hours.
Hey james, like my writing? I think I'm turning into you. Slowly. Not that it's a bad thing mind you, I'd be more educated than I could possibly need to be, and articulate. But without your mind behind it, it'll be non-sensical rambling without any art or depth or meaning or soul or spirit or anything. It'll be me, remincing, randomly, endlessly. I spent a block writing three-pages of poetry with the song "Pinball wizard" blowing constantly in my head. I could hear "the Who" singing my poem. The words were terrible, and I know it, I'm not sad or regretful, cause I don't really want to be poetic. It'd be nice, I'd use it if I had it. But it was a kind of electronic griping session that I have been cheated out of for so long. Mrs. Crawford doesn't like the very essence of me, my disruptive anti-educational randomness and loudness. So I make it look like I'm working furiously, and really just saying "Up yours world, but with some style" only it was lame, and kinda rhymed. Brit hung on to it for posterity, it's a shame I'm not good, or it'd be worth saving. But that's what you get with me, or soemthing. I'm in a good mood really, I'm not like "ohhh boo me, me = bad" I'm much more just realizitcly reflecting. And sometimes people will hear me realisticly reflect and think I have low self-esteem. I don't, I just have a clear view of what is and isn't true about me. I should know, I have some experience being me.
My dad told me to decide wheather I'm going to college in washington or not, by tommorow. Wow, thanks dad. I'll always love you. It's the biggest descion I've had to make to date in my life, and I get a day to decide right when I'm handeling ten tons of processed bird droppings through my computer in the form of a case study. Gross, I know. It's just my humor, I applogize to those it offended, I just can't not be me. To all of those out there who want me to not be me, YOU CAN FORGET IT! I will always laugh loudly, and want to be heard, and say gross things that I think are funny, and wonder too much about that which should not be thought of, and make crude jokes, and like nerdy girls, and dance poorly, and say inept things, and be a poor dresser and look awkward. These things are me. I like wearing one color shirts that look faded and match my backpack. I like my hair frizzy and swirly and sticking up in parts. I like having wrinkles under my eyes ALREADY! I want to be an old man, I want grey hair and wierd skin and say stuff that doesn't make sense and everyone to think I am a slow, stupid old coger. It'll be fun. But I'm trying to distract myself from the impending descion. Freinds are everything, and I can play out a thousand scenarioes a minutes. I can see me spending my time with drew and tiff at odu, endless sitting in cafeterias laughing and telling random nerdiness.
Okay, good. I just told you how I feel, that's good. I hope you know how gay I feel right now, but no wait... I am secure. I don't care what others would think, I'm proud of how I feel about my friends.
I can also see being over on the west coast and every few days going to a mountain campground or to the city for a coffehouse or all natural market. I can see seeing my best friend brittany all the time that I can. I can see following her about with endless hours of fun. I can see it like I was watching a movie montage of my life. I can see it.
I can see having nathan come visit me at roanoake, and walking aimlessly with samurai dominating all conversations, nerdiness, though he hate the word, would prevail. Good times by all would be had.
Even people like Salzman and Brad, I'll miss them. I'll still wish to see them. I'll want to, but I know I won't be able to ever do it for real. Maybe on IM we might say we will, soon. Next week, after exams, this summer. Fat chance joel, don't get your hopes up. say good bye to travis, and sean and even louis. Say good bye to the people who you liked, and maybe liked you. But I WANT to see them, why can't I? Because, it's college, you wanted to go there, didn't you? You don't want to stay in highschool forever.
But I like highschool. LIKED. It's not high school anymore, it doesn't even feel like it and there's still nine weeks left. Everyone is bracing for it. For leaving. See you lady, It's been fun but I'm leaving so why stay close? See you guys, "let's keep in touch". HAH!
Well, I like high school, and the people in it. Shucks to those who don't like me, I like them anyways. Shucks to you drama folks, I likes you anyways, shucks to you engineering class, I think you are all nerds at heart and wish I could listen to you all all the time, from your racism redneckiness to your hidden nerdiness. Shucks to you me, with your stupid sadness. You have good things, a good life, so you whine about everything else or your self and piss off people. Good plan. Sorry me, I don't mean too, I guess I'm just passionate. That's an excuse. probably. Not even going to argue. Nah, I always lose. : ) Always.
Wow, bet your wierded out, but I'm not finished yet. I'm gonna keep riding this feeling till my gut says stop. I want to know everyone, and I want to spend time with everyone. Why does nobody like anna, she's such a nice girl. Why do people treat eachother poorly. I do it too, just like anybody,but I wish everyone could have friends, and be happy. Even if for them to be happy they have to have no friends, and to be unahppy. I worry that there are people like that, and I can't help them, because i make it harder for them to be happy. If I could just send love to everyone on earth, that'd be great. If I could make sense and not sound gay, that'd be even greater. Wow, you've stopped reading. Don't blame you, you should give up, I'm just typing to see what I have to type, I don't have a point or a message anymore. It's not even persoanl, now it's all fake. Typing to type.
Wonder if way out there, there's a girl for every little boy. Or if were all just people, and we get along sometimes, and we don't others. The world can feel so..... plain I guess. Free. Unbounded. SOmetimes I feel like it would just be, life would feel like life, killing someone or being shot to death. Having a baby, or craling through a jungle, or sleeping on a bed of cats. It's all.... life.
okay, I think it's starting to leave my body. Slowly.
Wonder what it'd be like to feel life leaving you, mmmm. Dieing, scary. Cause what if the hereafter is just as.....plain. What if it's just like life. MMM, it's possible for me to conetmplate what it'd be like for there to be no afterlife. To just cease to exsist. It'd be like a blank space, and it never starts again. It'd be so sad. Thought, ending. Exsistence, conciousness, ending. I believe in judgement. In good and bad, and in a reward or punishment. Your being continues to grow and change as you age, why should it end? unless all things were ment to end. ALl things are ment to end I think. Maybe I am too. Not just life, but being. Exsisting. EVER. But then why are things. What made them? God. The creator. Well, did he end too? Mmm, I wish I knew more about him/her. Can one even give God a gender? God doesn't have a sex, for the sheer fact of not having sex. Sex was made by God, not made for her/him. Oh well, I love life.
Ich liebe leben.
Ich lebe lieben.
Joel Searles
Well, journal. Shoutouts.
Brittany: Your a pretty lady, a cool lady and an awesome friend. I hope nathan asks you out soon, he's a nice boy, a cool guy, and a solid lutheran.
Jimmy: Why do we not talk so much, we see eachother online, why do we not hang out, when we see each other in the day. Me thinks there may be a bond to form, may hap a camping trip or go to war together. Either way, your friend hana, is cute. thought I'd say that, cause I noticed at lunch and well, I'm not embarassed.
Natty bumpo: You won't read this, you don't know to read this. Your a good man, I intend to see you after college. You damn well better hang out with me or I'll backfist you! If you don't you'll make this one sad joel.
Bert of drew: WHy are you so cool!?!!?!?!?!?!? Strongsad it all the way dude
Tiff: PROM!!!!!! I want to go, to dinner, c'mon and talk to me about dinner.
Megan: I hope you can come to prom, and have a splendid evening. I'm sorry I made things wierd, I kinda liked you, but that made things wierd, so it's cool. Your a nice girl, and you should find a nice boy, and be nice to each other ; )
Travis: You = cool, you = nice, you = fun. Me = wishing to hang out with you. That = not very likeley. Me = sad. did you say me = hot?????
Louis: I still think your funny and cool even though you hit me with an apple. Let's try to put it behind us.
Brad: You are a funny funny man, and coool I remeber the old days when we were nearly best firends. Remebers? We lived down the street. You won't read this, so you can't remember.
Sean: You+me= two cool nerdy guys. you dude are one cool fella. Let us have a good asu and actually chill together.
EVERYBODY ELSE YOU ALL ARE GREAT!!!!!