wrestling with God...
So I have put my beliefs in the supernatural on a TBA basis as I perused the texts of various 'experts' and read up on a lot of different religions, belief systems, etc. let's see I left the Christian church when I was about 16 or 17, so this has been going on for a full 7 to 8 years. I'll admit, I haven't exactly pursued my enlightenment with religious zeal (sorry, i couldnt resist the pun!) and it's been a lengthy endeavour that I am still working on. But I feel that I have come to a point where I feel I am familiar with all the current religious groups. And I don't feel that any of them have got it right. And what was somewhat heartbreaking for me, which a lot of you may not understand, was the realization that I don't think I'll ever be able to belong to one of these groups whole-heartedly again. Maybe this should be viewed as some sort of liberation...and I believe it is in some ways, one has to follow one's heart and not believe in something because it's simply what everyone has and does believe. But it's left me feeling rather hollow. And to top it off, I haven't really quite found a comfortable place for my own religious and theological beliefs to settle. Atheisism? A very harsh option, but worth considering. However, from what research I have done it becomes apparent that you can not convincinlgy prove a lack of God just like you cannot convincingly prove that there is a God. Atheism is still a belief, and a type of faith, its just a belief and faith in the lack of something. So, agnosticism? Sure anyone can say that there may or may not be a God. It's kind of obvious. Agnosticism feels like a spiritual cop out to me and it's so easy to claim agnosticism, then jump back into your daily routine without continuing to pursue the truth and to develop your spirituality. Agnosticism, to me, often seems like saying 'i give up' or 'i dont want to try to figure it out'. But honestly, at this point, im close to giving up!
The problem with the whole issue is that the answer can't come from any one else, it has to come from me. It's frustrating too because I try talking about all this with Kevin but he just doesnt have that spiritual drive like I do, he doesn't feel the need to be connected with others in a spiritual way. He has concluded, after his own personal research, that he believes in a deist God of the gaps theory....aka god exists to set the universe in motion, but is basically uninvolved in our lives. Kevin told me that I was like a scientist doing an rigged experiment to prove a point, not to find out new information (aka I want there to be a theistic God involved in our lives). And although I want there to be a God, I know that there is a chance that there may not be one. But I am also all too aware of the internal draw to keep searching, to keep believing, to keep hoping...I wonder if these feelings are merely wishful thinking or something deeper. Is humanities search for God a relic of God himself, one of his 'fingerprints' on our souls or is the search for God merely wishful thinking, helping us to cope with the impossible idea of our own mortality?
Any suggestions on books would be much appreciated, but will probably just leave me more confused! haha. Also, opinions of your own would be really interesting and probably comforting as well.
The problem with the whole issue is that the answer can't come from any one else, it has to come from me. It's frustrating too because I try talking about all this with Kevin but he just doesnt have that spiritual drive like I do, he doesn't feel the need to be connected with others in a spiritual way. He has concluded, after his own personal research, that he believes in a deist God of the gaps theory....aka god exists to set the universe in motion, but is basically uninvolved in our lives. Kevin told me that I was like a scientist doing an rigged experiment to prove a point, not to find out new information (aka I want there to be a theistic God involved in our lives). And although I want there to be a God, I know that there is a chance that there may not be one. But I am also all too aware of the internal draw to keep searching, to keep believing, to keep hoping...I wonder if these feelings are merely wishful thinking or something deeper. Is humanities search for God a relic of God himself, one of his 'fingerprints' on our souls or is the search for God merely wishful thinking, helping us to cope with the impossible idea of our own mortality?
Any suggestions on books would be much appreciated, but will probably just leave me more confused! haha. Also, opinions of your own would be really interesting and probably comforting as well.