I'm Confused... Chicken or the Egg?
Today I'm trying to puzzle out my own behavior. Last couple of days have given me pause to try and figure out the whys. Two different situations have arisen, and I'm not completely sure what to make of my choices. Hopefully by writing them down, they might make a little more sense to me.
First, my brother called, invited me on a two-day camping trip, then a day at Six Flags... but Lauren couldn't go. (work) So the invite was just for me. This sounded like fun, and I wanted to go. But then I have to ask myself, is that okay? Is it alright to run off from my husband for 3 days and not come home? We talked about it, and decided, yes. It isn't a wild party thing, but running off every so often is fine for one spouse, assuming the other spouse is okay with it, and he is.
But I'm not going.
WHY?!?
Because I don't want to.
But didn't I just say???
Exactly.
Situation Two. Nearly a week ago, a female friend asked me to do out with her for the evening. We would go have fun, she even offered to pay my cover. Didn't have to think twice. Absolutely! I wanted to go! Then yesterday afternoon, I started to not what to go. Then last night when it was time to leave, I really didn't want to go. I nearly went anyway, because I felt obligated to, but Lauren's irritation with me for folding like a lawn chair was enough to stand up and admit that I didn't want to do. Then to stick when she pressed me to go anyway.
Here is what I don't get... WHY???
The moment I stood up, and she left without me, I couldn't figure out what my deal was. Why did I suddenly change my mind? Why wouldn't I want to go camping? Why am I choosing to not go and to things I know (or think) I would enjoy?
Then I started thinking about Paul. Really upset me, actually. For so long, I have been disallowed to go out and do whatever I like. Then, for the last year, I have been so free! (Well, as free as a single mother gets!) Then as soon as I get into another marriage, I look around and realize how much I'm being restricted. Not by Lauren, not in the least. The first thing he asked was did I WANT to go. If I went, he would miss me, but everything would be fine between us when I returned. It's me, restricting MYSELF. There is no doubt in my mind that if he was going, that I would go too, and have a great time...
But he can't.
So I didn't.
So the question is really, which came first? The chicken or the egg? Did Paul really clip my wings and lock me up? Or did I invite it, but letting him know I would sing happily inside my birdcage? Or is this simple a product of years of training? Because I'm married, I know that I'm not "allowed" to go out without my husband, even though I know he would never force me like that?
Lauren says that it's important for me to stand up for myself. To know my own mind, and to do the things that I want to do, not what other's want me to, including him. But the problem is, I don't even know where my programming ends, and my wants begin! I have spent SO MUCH of my life orbiting and anticipating others needs and wants, I don't even know... I don't think I can explain.
I want to be a good model for my daughter. I don't want to be a doormat for anyone, whether by force, or by design. My friend said that it's important that I have a life outside of my marriage. So here's the snarl my head has now. If I go, am I bending to her will, and going when I don't want to? If I stay, am I bending to what I think Lauren wants me to do, even though he told me if I wanted to go that I ought to? Or... I don't know. I'm so confused right now. I think I'll take a break from writing for the time being though...
I don't think writing helped this time. my head is still a mess. :(
First, my brother called, invited me on a two-day camping trip, then a day at Six Flags... but Lauren couldn't go. (work) So the invite was just for me. This sounded like fun, and I wanted to go. But then I have to ask myself, is that okay? Is it alright to run off from my husband for 3 days and not come home? We talked about it, and decided, yes. It isn't a wild party thing, but running off every so often is fine for one spouse, assuming the other spouse is okay with it, and he is.
But I'm not going.
WHY?!?
Because I don't want to.
But didn't I just say???
Exactly.
Situation Two. Nearly a week ago, a female friend asked me to do out with her for the evening. We would go have fun, she even offered to pay my cover. Didn't have to think twice. Absolutely! I wanted to go! Then yesterday afternoon, I started to not what to go. Then last night when it was time to leave, I really didn't want to go. I nearly went anyway, because I felt obligated to, but Lauren's irritation with me for folding like a lawn chair was enough to stand up and admit that I didn't want to do. Then to stick when she pressed me to go anyway.
Here is what I don't get... WHY???
The moment I stood up, and she left without me, I couldn't figure out what my deal was. Why did I suddenly change my mind? Why wouldn't I want to go camping? Why am I choosing to not go and to things I know (or think) I would enjoy?
Then I started thinking about Paul. Really upset me, actually. For so long, I have been disallowed to go out and do whatever I like. Then, for the last year, I have been so free! (Well, as free as a single mother gets!) Then as soon as I get into another marriage, I look around and realize how much I'm being restricted. Not by Lauren, not in the least. The first thing he asked was did I WANT to go. If I went, he would miss me, but everything would be fine between us when I returned. It's me, restricting MYSELF. There is no doubt in my mind that if he was going, that I would go too, and have a great time...
But he can't.
So I didn't.
So the question is really, which came first? The chicken or the egg? Did Paul really clip my wings and lock me up? Or did I invite it, but letting him know I would sing happily inside my birdcage? Or is this simple a product of years of training? Because I'm married, I know that I'm not "allowed" to go out without my husband, even though I know he would never force me like that?
Lauren says that it's important for me to stand up for myself. To know my own mind, and to do the things that I want to do, not what other's want me to, including him. But the problem is, I don't even know where my programming ends, and my wants begin! I have spent SO MUCH of my life orbiting and anticipating others needs and wants, I don't even know... I don't think I can explain.
I want to be a good model for my daughter. I don't want to be a doormat for anyone, whether by force, or by design. My friend said that it's important that I have a life outside of my marriage. So here's the snarl my head has now. If I go, am I bending to her will, and going when I don't want to? If I stay, am I bending to what I think Lauren wants me to do, even though he told me if I wanted to go that I ought to? Or... I don't know. I'm so confused right now. I think I'll take a break from writing for the time being though...
I don't think writing helped this time. my head is still a mess. :(