Sugar
One year ago today was Sugar's last day. Earlier that morning, she had finally pooped after days of being unable to. We spent the entire morning cuddling, her eagerly letting me pet her stomach since she was feeling so much better. And as I was petting her, her fur was accumulating around my fingers. I thought, "I can't keep Sugar, but I can keep this fur, to remind me of this moment, cuddling with her and being loved on her last day." When I finally had to get up to use the bathroom, I gathered the fur and put it in an air-tight metal container, the ones most people use for medicines. It's been hanging on my keychain ever since. And in the days immediately following her death, having it with me was helpful: whenever I started missing Sugar, I would hold the container, knowing her fur was inside, and as the metal warmed, it would comfort me.
Last Friday, I went to get a haircut. As I was waiting, a little girl came over to me and started talking. We chatted about her stuffed animal dog. And then she noticed the metal container hanging on my keychain and asked what was in it. Not wanting to lie, but not wanting to tell this little girl about death if she didn't already know about it, I told her that something special to me was kept inside the container. Then, I tried to change the subject. But she was intrigued. So I told her it held the fur of a cat I "lost" named Sugar. She was bright, though, and knew I meant she had died, so she asked me if she could see the fur. I said no, because I was afraid of losing it, since it was all I had left of Sugar. To try to distract her, I showed her pictures of Snowcrash on my phone, but she specifically asked to see pictures of the "dead cat". So I showed her the first one I found, which was taken the day she died. And then she wanted to see the fur, again. So I told her no, again, realizing she didn't quite understand that the fur wasn't replaceable. She said that she wouldn't let me lose it, that her mom could come over my house and give me more if any got lost; but I still, gently, said no. She eventually went to get her mom--leaving me to worry that I might have said something she wouldn't approve of, given this girl's young age, or that she'd think I was a bit odd for keeping the fur like this--who was very understanding once I explained and reminded the girl that they had an urn with ashes of the mom's dead cat on their mantle. Still, a really bizarre experience.
Anyways, I am infinitely grateful that I had Sugar in my life. And also grateful that I had the chance to save something of her from such a loving moment.
Last Friday, I went to get a haircut. As I was waiting, a little girl came over to me and started talking. We chatted about her stuffed animal dog. And then she noticed the metal container hanging on my keychain and asked what was in it. Not wanting to lie, but not wanting to tell this little girl about death if she didn't already know about it, I told her that something special to me was kept inside the container. Then, I tried to change the subject. But she was intrigued. So I told her it held the fur of a cat I "lost" named Sugar. She was bright, though, and knew I meant she had died, so she asked me if she could see the fur. I said no, because I was afraid of losing it, since it was all I had left of Sugar. To try to distract her, I showed her pictures of Snowcrash on my phone, but she specifically asked to see pictures of the "dead cat". So I showed her the first one I found, which was taken the day she died. And then she wanted to see the fur, again. So I told her no, again, realizing she didn't quite understand that the fur wasn't replaceable. She said that she wouldn't let me lose it, that her mom could come over my house and give me more if any got lost; but I still, gently, said no. She eventually went to get her mom--leaving me to worry that I might have said something she wouldn't approve of, given this girl's young age, or that she'd think I was a bit odd for keeping the fur like this--who was very understanding once I explained and reminded the girl that they had an urn with ashes of the mom's dead cat on their mantle. Still, a really bizarre experience.
Anyways, I am infinitely grateful that I had Sugar in my life. And also grateful that I had the chance to save something of her from such a loving moment.