Look! An actual update!
Well, I have not, as some of you may have theorized, fallen into a great abyss. Nor have I converted to a religion that forbids the use of computers. Nay, I merely was very busy for a while. As time passed, the update needing to be written grew in length, and I used my powers as queen of procrastination to push it off until a night like this. The mixture of insomnia, "weird" feelings, and the need to keep the apartment quiet for the kids -- Joe, 24, and his daughter Emily, 4 -- has led me into this last retreat for something (please, God, give me SOMETHING) to do. And so I write.
Emily has been spending every other weekend with us, and it's been great. She's an absolutely amazing 4 year old child, with the size and language skills of a 6 year old. Almost no one believes that she's only 4. And she's beautiful.
Tonight she turned into a handful, though. Her normal bedtime is 8 PM, but we let her stay up just past 8:30. I read her a story, gave her a goodnight kiss and hug, left a couple lights on for her ("I'm afraid of the dark.") and proceeded into the living room to let her fall asleep. A mere 10 minutes later, she called out for Joe, and he went in to see what was wrong. He didn't return, so I went in to check on her. She decided that she didn't want to sleep alone (although she didn't have a problem last time) so Joe and I laid down on either side of her to keep her company until she fell asleep. In no time, there was snoring. Coming from the other side of Emily. Yes, Joe was sawing logs, and there was Emily tossing and turning, trying to have conversations, make up excuses to get out of bed, and generally be a little pain. In a cute way, but still a pain.
Eventually it seemed as though she had fallen asleep, and I snuck out of the bed and into the living room. I was wide awake (I've been having a bout with insomnia at night recently...and during the day I can hardly stay awake) and decided to watch a DVD we rented last night. The opening credits were still rolling when a little blonde skipped into the room and hopped on the couch.
"I'm not sleepy."
"Yes you are. You've been yawning all night."
"But I don't want to sleep today."
"Well, if you don't sleep, you can't play in the park tomorrow."
I made up a bed for her on the couch (we usually move her sleeping form to the couch when we decide to head to bed), covered her up with the little blanket, and returned to my chair. I swear, that little girl is developing OCD. She got out from under the blanket and proceeded to stuff the edges of the blanket into between the cushions, leaving just enough room for herself to slide in at the pillow. Then she needed another blanket, which I fetched. Then she didn't want the original blanket, but wanted the new one instead. Finally, at about 10:30, I told her she needed to go to sleep now. No more fooling around.
"But I can't sleep when nobody's in the room with me."
"I'll be right there in my chair, reading my book."
"What kind of book is it?"
"It's a grown-up book. It doesn't have pictures."
"It just has letters? Can I look at it? I like to look at letters."
So I sidled up next to her and started reading "Prince Caspian", the second book of the Narnia series, to her. It took a chapter and a half for her to fall asleep. I don't think she understood much of it, but she seemed to enjoy how animated I was while reading it. Perhaps if I were more monotone she would have fallen asleep earlier. But who can resist using Engilsh accents whenever possible? Certainly not me.
So she's in the next room asleep. Joe's back in the bedroom, asleep. I'm up. Very awake. This morning I finished the book I had been reading, and I don't know if I really want to start a new one. I may, though. I dunno.
I've had a "weird" feeling for the past couple weeks. I can't seem to shake it. It's a sort of nervous-worried-unsettled feeling. I've never had it last this long. Usually if it's nerves, it goes away after the thing I'm nervous about is past. But I'm nervous about nothing. Usually if I'm worried, I get over it much faster (usually it's gone after I've slept), but I haven't been worried about anything. I can't think of anything in my life that's unsettling me right now. So all I can think of is that I'm having really odd PMS. My boobs hurt like the Dickens (has anyone ever HAD the Dickens?) and I'm supposed to start in a couple days. Maybe I'm just having weird PMS-y symptoms. Either that, or something really awful is going to happen, and I'm just not figuring out what yet.
Two weeks ago I decided to close my business in January and move to Ste. Genevieve to take care of my dad and run his business. Joe is moving there with me, as long as he finds a job down there, which everyone is confident he will. I would maybe think that the nerves thing has to do with that, but I'm actually really excited about that, so I dunno. I really, really, really hope that this weird feeling isn't because something's going to happen to my dad. I'm just not ready for that yet. I doubt I'll ever be truly ready for it. But I'll be more ready for it later. Or not.
I really wish my dad would be around so my kids will know him. I doubt that's going to happen, though. Barring any surprises, there aren't going to be any Joe-Nickey babies for a few years. I'll be in my 30's.
I am scared of that. Being 30. A few years ago, I wasn't afraid of it. But a few years ago I didn't anticipate starting my life over at 26, either. And now 27 is less than a month away, and I'm scared shitless. I don't want to be this old. I mean, why can't divorce just suddenly send you back to the person you were before you were married? I know that's not how life works, and that we learn from our mistakes, yada, yada, yada. I just wish I were 22 now instead of 27. The added 5 years would be ideal. Just 5 additional years until I'm 30. Until I'm 30% through with my life. (I plan to live to be 90.)
But it's not gonna happen. But maybe I could bargain instead to keep my dad around for 10 more years? That's all I'm asking. Then he'll at least know my kids, and they'll have pictures with him that they can look at and say, "Hey, that's me with my Ampah. Mommie told me we always had fun together." I grew up with knowing little-to-nothing of my grandfathers. My dad is so awesome, and I want my kids to know that.
Ok, I've rambled long enough. I think I'm gonna have to go back and put in a cut so you all don't wish I had stayed away, lol. Peace out.
P.S. Read "The Color of Water" by James McBride. You'll be glad you did.
Emily has been spending every other weekend with us, and it's been great. She's an absolutely amazing 4 year old child, with the size and language skills of a 6 year old. Almost no one believes that she's only 4. And she's beautiful.
Tonight she turned into a handful, though. Her normal bedtime is 8 PM, but we let her stay up just past 8:30. I read her a story, gave her a goodnight kiss and hug, left a couple lights on for her ("I'm afraid of the dark.") and proceeded into the living room to let her fall asleep. A mere 10 minutes later, she called out for Joe, and he went in to see what was wrong. He didn't return, so I went in to check on her. She decided that she didn't want to sleep alone (although she didn't have a problem last time) so Joe and I laid down on either side of her to keep her company until she fell asleep. In no time, there was snoring. Coming from the other side of Emily. Yes, Joe was sawing logs, and there was Emily tossing and turning, trying to have conversations, make up excuses to get out of bed, and generally be a little pain. In a cute way, but still a pain.
Eventually it seemed as though she had fallen asleep, and I snuck out of the bed and into the living room. I was wide awake (I've been having a bout with insomnia at night recently...and during the day I can hardly stay awake) and decided to watch a DVD we rented last night. The opening credits were still rolling when a little blonde skipped into the room and hopped on the couch.
"I'm not sleepy."
"Yes you are. You've been yawning all night."
"But I don't want to sleep today."
"Well, if you don't sleep, you can't play in the park tomorrow."
I made up a bed for her on the couch (we usually move her sleeping form to the couch when we decide to head to bed), covered her up with the little blanket, and returned to my chair. I swear, that little girl is developing OCD. She got out from under the blanket and proceeded to stuff the edges of the blanket into between the cushions, leaving just enough room for herself to slide in at the pillow. Then she needed another blanket, which I fetched. Then she didn't want the original blanket, but wanted the new one instead. Finally, at about 10:30, I told her she needed to go to sleep now. No more fooling around.
"But I can't sleep when nobody's in the room with me."
"I'll be right there in my chair, reading my book."
"What kind of book is it?"
"It's a grown-up book. It doesn't have pictures."
"It just has letters? Can I look at it? I like to look at letters."
So I sidled up next to her and started reading "Prince Caspian", the second book of the Narnia series, to her. It took a chapter and a half for her to fall asleep. I don't think she understood much of it, but she seemed to enjoy how animated I was while reading it. Perhaps if I were more monotone she would have fallen asleep earlier. But who can resist using Engilsh accents whenever possible? Certainly not me.
So she's in the next room asleep. Joe's back in the bedroom, asleep. I'm up. Very awake. This morning I finished the book I had been reading, and I don't know if I really want to start a new one. I may, though. I dunno.
I've had a "weird" feeling for the past couple weeks. I can't seem to shake it. It's a sort of nervous-worried-unsettled feeling. I've never had it last this long. Usually if it's nerves, it goes away after the thing I'm nervous about is past. But I'm nervous about nothing. Usually if I'm worried, I get over it much faster (usually it's gone after I've slept), but I haven't been worried about anything. I can't think of anything in my life that's unsettling me right now. So all I can think of is that I'm having really odd PMS. My boobs hurt like the Dickens (has anyone ever HAD the Dickens?) and I'm supposed to start in a couple days. Maybe I'm just having weird PMS-y symptoms. Either that, or something really awful is going to happen, and I'm just not figuring out what yet.
Two weeks ago I decided to close my business in January and move to Ste. Genevieve to take care of my dad and run his business. Joe is moving there with me, as long as he finds a job down there, which everyone is confident he will. I would maybe think that the nerves thing has to do with that, but I'm actually really excited about that, so I dunno. I really, really, really hope that this weird feeling isn't because something's going to happen to my dad. I'm just not ready for that yet. I doubt I'll ever be truly ready for it. But I'll be more ready for it later. Or not.
I really wish my dad would be around so my kids will know him. I doubt that's going to happen, though. Barring any surprises, there aren't going to be any Joe-Nickey babies for a few years. I'll be in my 30's.
I am scared of that. Being 30. A few years ago, I wasn't afraid of it. But a few years ago I didn't anticipate starting my life over at 26, either. And now 27 is less than a month away, and I'm scared shitless. I don't want to be this old. I mean, why can't divorce just suddenly send you back to the person you were before you were married? I know that's not how life works, and that we learn from our mistakes, yada, yada, yada. I just wish I were 22 now instead of 27. The added 5 years would be ideal. Just 5 additional years until I'm 30. Until I'm 30% through with my life. (I plan to live to be 90.)
But it's not gonna happen. But maybe I could bargain instead to keep my dad around for 10 more years? That's all I'm asking. Then he'll at least know my kids, and they'll have pictures with him that they can look at and say, "Hey, that's me with my Ampah. Mommie told me we always had fun together." I grew up with knowing little-to-nothing of my grandfathers. My dad is so awesome, and I want my kids to know that.
Ok, I've rambled long enough. I think I'm gonna have to go back and put in a cut so you all don't wish I had stayed away, lol. Peace out.
P.S. Read "The Color of Water" by James McBride. You'll be glad you did.