(no subject)
i lose so much sleep over this shit. god damn! why can't i be normal and just worry about my own life? i can't just sit around and watch shit happen. i want to be part of the solution. that's why i'm almost positive i'm going to war. not cause i love this government. because i want to protect my loved ones and help others. yeah sure bush is a dumbass for bombing the shit outta iraq, but you know what, that's what happened, and instead of bitching about it, people have to do something about it. that's why i'm gonna do some community service. not cause i'm a loser. not cause i have no life. cause i actually give a shit about people. so i'm going back to my old house on friday to visit. apparently that neighborhood has gotten a lot better and i'm happy for it. they have a really good program down there. i was reading about it and they have a program where all gangs, no matter which one, get together and forget about their fights. i think it's a church and someone who was an ex-gang member preaches to them about how there is a better life out of the projects and even in the projects. makes them feel like they can do something better with their lives, which is something a lot of projects lack of. i busted my hand on my bathroom mirror today and had to go to the emergency room and get stitches. i guess i'm really lucky i didn't cut a tendon. but there was blood all over the place and my sister came upstairs crying. to see how much she cared over something so small really meant something to me. and if i went to war that's one of the people i'd fight for. my anxiety is killing me and my thoughts are overwhelming. i just want to go to florida and be as selfish as i possibly can for two weeks. i want two weeks to MYSELF and just relax. i really hope i can do that. sometimes i wish i believed in religion, but i don't know what to believe. i feel if i believed in something, life would be less stressful. not saying that i have the most stressing life in the world. usually lifting weights helps me when i'm stressed, but since i busted my hand, i can't do that or else the stitches would pop out. shit. my shrink told me i had to write all this out by hand. i'll write the rest in my other journal. good thing, too. i was just about to get personal.