thoughts
what is the point in trying...putting effort into something when no matter what you're going to be compared to someone else...my entire life comparison after comparison,,,sometimes i feel like it'd just be nice to pass away...i know that sounds dramatic...I'm not suicidal or anything...i just.i guess i don't see the point in life anymore....why be alive when you aren't truly living...why try your hardest when you're just going to be slumped into a category...why try to be successful when you always fail..why be an individual when no one notices...why try...i see n point to my life anymore when all i do is go round and round in circles to fucking please everyone and i am never pleased...i pretend to be happy but I'm really never happy...i may have the love of my life but it seems so useless when its so far away...the only love I've had before him is lost as well...my love for life...passion is gone....art,painting, the ONLY thing I've always had is gone....I'm so scared....so worried about what is to come...where am i headed...what am i to do...I've tried to embrace what i DO have...believe it or not I've tired so fucking hard...but I'm at the end of my rope...I've got this overwhelming void...this gigantic black hole full of tar easting me alive...daily i can feel it grow...sometimes it tricks me...sometimes it fools me into feeling hope...sometimes i feel like i can do anything but i quickly fall back into the black pit and eventually it begins to take me all over again....sometimes i think about letting it consume me completely...its close enough...i mean its getting larger by the day even hour...why not let it take over completely....why not let it end...you see if i keep trying I'm going nowhere I'm just a zombie...whats the point in life if I'm just a robot made to please...made to repeat this pattern...this pattern of hopes...of ups and downs..ins and outs...circles...circles...i constantly go in circles...I'm fucking sick of circles...of tar , of gaping holes, of crying....duck I'm even sick of laughing...sometimes i think it'd be better to be numb...better to give up, give in..in...give in...give into the tar...forget love....