feeling good... and understanding more
my trip home is going to come to a hault in 4 days. i cant believe so much time has gone by. they say time flies when you're having fun. has my whole trip been fun? i do know that this trip has taught me alot. i feel like a piece of me that wasnt concluded, now is. i've had some amazing talks, some really good nights, and some really stressful nights. (yes, i am a drama queen).
one thing i have learned from this is... you never know who you're true friends are... 'til you move away. i guess i knew that before i came back, but i was kinda hoping for something different when i got here. i am sad because there is one person, in particular i really wanted to see, and i blew that myself. i didnt get to see deus, and i only saw tre for two hours. thats a real bummer. and of course i was let down, by trisha and jeannie. i've decided to erase both of their numbers from my phone. i dont need to be bothered (or hurt anymore) by people who dont care about me. makes me wonder if they ever really did?!
so i guess i will be moving back. sometime this summer. i am truly excited for that. i need to be near my family and friends. i want to return to school. then take it from there. the only question is, where will i move to? o-town i guess is out, probably south. maybe merritt island? who knows? all i know is that it feels good to understand myself again. amanda and i had a truly amazing conversation. i cant thank her enough, for knowing me, and being honest. not telling me what she thinks i should hear, or what she feels i should do. it was a hard decision to move, and even a harder one to decide to come back. but so many reasons, to help push me along. (if that makes any sense).
i went out to dinner tonight with my 'rents. i couldnt have been blessed with two greater people. ive spent most of my time home with jamie. which truly helped me. it opened my eyes to alot more things, then i ever imagined. not just for me and her. but for who i truly am, and how i've lost myself along the way. i know most people will think i am crazy, but i dont care anymore. i make my own decisions. i am the one who has to deal with the drama, and arguing (if thats what i choose). and whether most people see it or not, i am more of a drama queen then her. sad enough, they only know what i choose to tell them. and aside from what anyone has to say... its my life. amanda made some true points to me about my relationship with jamie, and they all stand true. its crazy how i have fallen for her. i never thought someone would have me like she does, and i rant-n-rave about leaving her so much.. and i cant. something is there. and i am going to seek it out.
my parents helped jamie out today. they helped her buy all new tires for her truck. i know they did it because they like her, but i also know they did it, because they see what she means to me. my first day here my mom approached me about my relationships with girls, and with jamie. my parents have never done that. something in my heart became fulfilled that day. its crazy what my mom knows about me without me even saying anything. tonight she told me that she knew i had a problem with drinking before i moved. wierd! but neat! my parents have truly become my friends, and nothing could feel better. living 2000 miles away from jamie, my parents, amanda, the guys (even though we didnt see each other, they still mean alot to me), and krystina (though things didnt turn out the way i wanted when i visited)... is hard. for me, in my life right now, its too hard. and it doesnt have to be. so i tried something new. i like it! but i miss my family and friends. i will forever be grateful for those who took me in as their friends and family, and to those who 'truly' cared about me(didnt just act like it, i know who they are, i sense it). they will hold a special place in my heart forever, and in my memory. i hope i can remain friends with them, but i need to make the right choice for me. i need to go back to school. i need to surround myself with goodness.
kinda sucks b/c i said i would never come back. but oh-well. what ever really turns out the way you want it to? life throws some fast balls, and some curved ones.. sometimes you just have to know which ones to swing at, and which ones to let pass by.... 'til next time....
love.
one thing i have learned from this is... you never know who you're true friends are... 'til you move away. i guess i knew that before i came back, but i was kinda hoping for something different when i got here. i am sad because there is one person, in particular i really wanted to see, and i blew that myself. i didnt get to see deus, and i only saw tre for two hours. thats a real bummer. and of course i was let down, by trisha and jeannie. i've decided to erase both of their numbers from my phone. i dont need to be bothered (or hurt anymore) by people who dont care about me. makes me wonder if they ever really did?!
so i guess i will be moving back. sometime this summer. i am truly excited for that. i need to be near my family and friends. i want to return to school. then take it from there. the only question is, where will i move to? o-town i guess is out, probably south. maybe merritt island? who knows? all i know is that it feels good to understand myself again. amanda and i had a truly amazing conversation. i cant thank her enough, for knowing me, and being honest. not telling me what she thinks i should hear, or what she feels i should do. it was a hard decision to move, and even a harder one to decide to come back. but so many reasons, to help push me along. (if that makes any sense).
i went out to dinner tonight with my 'rents. i couldnt have been blessed with two greater people. ive spent most of my time home with jamie. which truly helped me. it opened my eyes to alot more things, then i ever imagined. not just for me and her. but for who i truly am, and how i've lost myself along the way. i know most people will think i am crazy, but i dont care anymore. i make my own decisions. i am the one who has to deal with the drama, and arguing (if thats what i choose). and whether most people see it or not, i am more of a drama queen then her. sad enough, they only know what i choose to tell them. and aside from what anyone has to say... its my life. amanda made some true points to me about my relationship with jamie, and they all stand true. its crazy how i have fallen for her. i never thought someone would have me like she does, and i rant-n-rave about leaving her so much.. and i cant. something is there. and i am going to seek it out.
my parents helped jamie out today. they helped her buy all new tires for her truck. i know they did it because they like her, but i also know they did it, because they see what she means to me. my first day here my mom approached me about my relationships with girls, and with jamie. my parents have never done that. something in my heart became fulfilled that day. its crazy what my mom knows about me without me even saying anything. tonight she told me that she knew i had a problem with drinking before i moved. wierd! but neat! my parents have truly become my friends, and nothing could feel better. living 2000 miles away from jamie, my parents, amanda, the guys (even though we didnt see each other, they still mean alot to me), and krystina (though things didnt turn out the way i wanted when i visited)... is hard. for me, in my life right now, its too hard. and it doesnt have to be. so i tried something new. i like it! but i miss my family and friends. i will forever be grateful for those who took me in as their friends and family, and to those who 'truly' cared about me(didnt just act like it, i know who they are, i sense it). they will hold a special place in my heart forever, and in my memory. i hope i can remain friends with them, but i need to make the right choice for me. i need to go back to school. i need to surround myself with goodness.
kinda sucks b/c i said i would never come back. but oh-well. what ever really turns out the way you want it to? life throws some fast balls, and some curved ones.. sometimes you just have to know which ones to swing at, and which ones to let pass by.... 'til next time....
love.