overworked...probably...
hey people~ i know i haven't been here for a really really long time and for that i guess i do apologize? i am sort of battling the fever that is creeping up onto me, so if i do sound or seem drunk/high in this entry, you are so lucky to be able to see that side of me please forgive... =)
ok, first of all, a new year is upon us and life goes on...i don't know if i should be all "HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!" about it but ya, i just think that it's just another year...i just don't seem to be able to be excited about the new year...it just seems like my life is revolving around work, Work, and (ya) WORK...it's just really tiring sometimes...i do love my jobs (both full and part-time), but loving them is one thing, to actually be able to cope with them is another...i am not saying that i can't cope, there are just times when i would question myself why am i doing this to myself...
what am i trying to achieve?
is there actually something i am working towards?
or am i just blindly doing an aimless mad dash? (does this question even make sense?)
maybe i just don't want any other extra things to happen in my life...it's as if i am trying to occupy my life with just work so that i wouldn't have time for other stuff (e.g. relationships)...
it's not that i don't want one, every one wants someone to love them, how can i be any different? but i sometimes find it really hard to even love myself, how am i to expect someone else to love me then?
recently, my mom has been lecturing me...yes, again...
i know i've not been totally reliable in terms of my words; i told her i'd be home at a certain time but was late by half an hour or so, which obviously pissed her of rather badly...it's fine that she's lecturing me just for that because it IS my fault and i can deal with that...but for her to somehow reject my physical appearance is something bothering to me...
i've had my hair dyed red recently and she totally freaked when she saw it upon my late return home that fateful day...with tears welling up in her eyes, she commented that it looked HORRIBLE...then went on to telling me off about my bad habit of returning home later than the time i promised, while sprinkling in a bit of sarcasm about how we (she'd gathered my siblings in for the reprimanding as well) shouldn't do things she dislike...
at that time i was really upset not because of her reprimanding me being late but rather why she just can't accept me for who i am...i know that she cares about the first impression i am projecting but i have to be honest and true to who i am...
i have been trying to be someone else in front of many people before and that just made me really upset and depressed...and when i finally decide to just be who i am, my mom's lack of support doesn't really help boost my confidence level...
i know that my ways are not "normal" in comparison to my siblings, but try to understand that i am not them...i would love to be as "normal" as they are, believe me, life would be so much easier on all of us...but i just can't...i tried to be normal and it got me even more insane and desperate to be who i am; the girl who dares strut!
my flaming red hair and overlapping haircut may not scream normal, my gothic makeup doesn't help either, but that is who i am...i can't settle for being just another person, i want to be me...i have to, i've been dormant for so long it's driving me insane...
i love the way i look, i love myself, why can't you just accept me? it hurts knowing that you resent the way i look...it makes me wonder if i am worth loving when it seems to me that your love for me is wavering...
i love you regardless, why can't you do the same?
it's as if physical appearance is really THAT important...
it's as if you are looking at me like i am a freak...
that hurts...
if someone were to judge me based on my appearance, they are missing out on A LOT!!! and i don't mind not having them as friends...
i know i may come off as i don't give a fuck and i rock my own world, but that sometimes is just a facade...sometimes feigning oblivion and acting crazy are just the best ways to get by...
like i said, i am battling fever, so i really have no idea what i am typing...
and i should really get back to work...
yes, i brought work home to do...and it fucking sucks... =_=