things i can never say...
i am not in the brightest mood right now...feeling better after meditating a little, slapping on large amounts of badger balm my darling bought me, and having a cup of piping hot coffee to sip on...
i seriously have to get some stuff off my chest...it's just too suffocating...
Mom yelling her love into the phone...
so my mom just screamed at me through the phone...honestly i went blank halfway through, a survival tactic i've come to learn (it's not full-proof though)...anyways, she was going on about me (1) being a leech (living off my parents), (2) not being active enough in the search for school/work, and (3) watching too much tv...
(1) being a leech
really, mom? thanks for the confidence boost...
do you think i don't want to get a job that satisfies the opinions of u and the rest of the family members? i have a part-time job that i love but you people just seem to overlook that simple joy i get and jump straight to the you are getting paid too little part...i know i don't get much from that but at least i am happy...doesn't that count for anything? anything at all?
do you think i want to be a leech? do you think i'm happy being a leech? do i look happy being labeled a leech? fuck mom, seriously...my heart shatters every time you or any of my loved ones call me that...
do you have any fucking idea how hard it is for me to be what you people deem as normal?
do you know how hard it was for me to survive Switz desperately being someone i am not?
do you know how many heart breaks i had to numb and repair just so i could continue?
i told you i didn't want to go through with Switz and you insisted i did, you promised that you'd in turn let me work as whatever i want...and FUCK YES, i finished it but did you keep your promise? it somehow doesn't seem that way...
i know it ain't a full time job but at least i am doing something i like...god, can't you just...
just stop using the 40k education on Switz reasoning on me...i didn't want to go through with it, you wanted me to...
(2) not being active in the search for school/work
mom, i am trying...maybe not hard enough but i am...i know i am a bit lazy in terms of job and/or work hunting...but has it ever crossed your mind that i am really lost? i know i want to do art but you guys don't seem to be very happy with the pay that i am getting from my current position as a part-time art teacher...
mom, please, i am nothing like my second sister or any of my siblings so please don't compare because it hurts...very very badly...i want to be as awesome as she is in your eyes...i want to be as normal as she is in your eyes but i'm sorry i am not...i want to be able to make you laugh the way she does...i want to be as capable as she is, as independent, as realistic...
i am sorry mom...i am very sorry that i am not her, not my brother, not my youngest sister...i am just...me...
crazy and stupid in every possible way...
i am know say that you ain't bias but darling, you have no idea how untrue that is...but alas i still love you because i know that you can't help being that way...and that you are loving me in the only ways you know how...so are the rest of my family...
mom, i am trying to make you proud of me...i am...
but i guess you'll just have to let me do it my way? your guidance along with dad's are more than welcomed but in the end, i have to be the one choosing my fate/destiny...
you keep asking me what my plans are...honestly, i am taking a day as it comes...
i want to get into NAFA, rejected...
i want to be a recognized art teacher, not shortlisted...
i want to be a fitness trainer, turned down...
i'm beginning to wonder if there's anything out there anymore...i'm just in despair...rejections suck but i guess that's just life...
you seem to think that i've given up...no, i've not...i just need time to wrap around the countless rejections i've gotten...i suppose i need more time than others?
(3) watching too much tv
mom, i don't deny that...i seriously, truly don't but it's so much better than having a real life boyfriend...it gives me just enough ecstasy to go on in life...no heartbreaks, late and expensive dates etc...
isn't that better? you don't have to worry about the silly me being taken advantage of?
i really don't have much to comment about this topic because i just love my tv!!!~ it's essential in my survival...it's like the only thing that's keeping me sane...
so whatever it is, mom...i really love you and i know you're loving me the best you can...
i will try my best not to get you killed from all these worrying and stuff, as i try to be the perfect normal daughter you see in my second sister...
i hope you'll love me more then...
i seriously have to get some stuff off my chest...it's just too suffocating...
Mom yelling her love into the phone...
so my mom just screamed at me through the phone...honestly i went blank halfway through, a survival tactic i've come to learn (it's not full-proof though)...anyways, she was going on about me (1) being a leech (living off my parents), (2) not being active enough in the search for school/work, and (3) watching too much tv...
(1) being a leech
really, mom? thanks for the confidence boost...
do you think i don't want to get a job that satisfies the opinions of u and the rest of the family members? i have a part-time job that i love but you people just seem to overlook that simple joy i get and jump straight to the you are getting paid too little part...i know i don't get much from that but at least i am happy...doesn't that count for anything? anything at all?
do you think i want to be a leech? do you think i'm happy being a leech? do i look happy being labeled a leech? fuck mom, seriously...my heart shatters every time you or any of my loved ones call me that...
do you have any fucking idea how hard it is for me to be what you people deem as normal?
do you know how hard it was for me to survive Switz desperately being someone i am not?
do you know how many heart breaks i had to numb and repair just so i could continue?
i told you i didn't want to go through with Switz and you insisted i did, you promised that you'd in turn let me work as whatever i want...and FUCK YES, i finished it but did you keep your promise? it somehow doesn't seem that way...
i know it ain't a full time job but at least i am doing something i like...god, can't you just...
just stop using the 40k education on Switz reasoning on me...i didn't want to go through with it, you wanted me to...
(2) not being active in the search for school/work
mom, i am trying...maybe not hard enough but i am...i know i am a bit lazy in terms of job and/or work hunting...but has it ever crossed your mind that i am really lost? i know i want to do art but you guys don't seem to be very happy with the pay that i am getting from my current position as a part-time art teacher...
mom, please, i am nothing like my second sister or any of my siblings so please don't compare because it hurts...very very badly...i want to be as awesome as she is in your eyes...i want to be as normal as she is in your eyes but i'm sorry i am not...i want to be able to make you laugh the way she does...i want to be as capable as she is, as independent, as realistic...
i am sorry mom...i am very sorry that i am not her, not my brother, not my youngest sister...i am just...me...
crazy and stupid in every possible way...
i am know say that you ain't bias but darling, you have no idea how untrue that is...but alas i still love you because i know that you can't help being that way...and that you are loving me in the only ways you know how...so are the rest of my family...
mom, i am trying to make you proud of me...i am...
but i guess you'll just have to let me do it my way? your guidance along with dad's are more than welcomed but in the end, i have to be the one choosing my fate/destiny...
you keep asking me what my plans are...honestly, i am taking a day as it comes...
i want to get into NAFA, rejected...
i want to be a recognized art teacher, not shortlisted...
i want to be a fitness trainer, turned down...
i'm beginning to wonder if there's anything out there anymore...i'm just in despair...rejections suck but i guess that's just life...
you seem to think that i've given up...no, i've not...i just need time to wrap around the countless rejections i've gotten...i suppose i need more time than others?
(3) watching too much tv
mom, i don't deny that...i seriously, truly don't but it's so much better than having a real life boyfriend...it gives me just enough ecstasy to go on in life...no heartbreaks, late and expensive dates etc...
isn't that better? you don't have to worry about the silly me being taken advantage of?
i really don't have much to comment about this topic because i just love my tv!!!~ it's essential in my survival...it's like the only thing that's keeping me sane...
so whatever it is, mom...i really love you and i know you're loving me the best you can...
i will try my best not to get you killed from all these worrying and stuff, as i try to be the perfect normal daughter you see in my second sister...
i hope you'll love me more then...