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Oct 10, 2010 02:01

There's nothing more I hate in the world than my younger sister and her dad. Her dad is a fucking coward. An alcoholic and gambler that made my mom suffer for a good ten years.

I never liked him or the daughter he and my mother concieved. It may sound dumb just to hate someone because of their father but that's not the case. His daughter is ten years old turning 11 soon. She is the dumbest child ever. At that age I was already babysitting toddlers, did simple shit that anyone can do. Not her. She still pisses on the toilet and expects everyone to clean that up for themselves instead of her cleaning it. She can't even wipe her ass properly. She doesn't even give or show respect towards my mother or myself. She's a spoiled brat. She is never satisfied with anything. It's always want, want and want. She doesn't understand the way we live. I, at a young age learned not to ask for anything that wasn't needed because we didn't have money for it. She doesn't get that. We tell her not to ride on the baby bike because it might break. She responds, "then get me a real bike." We don't have money for your fucking real bike.

I tend to yell at her a lot. We never got along ever since she was able to speak. My mom was always saying, "I can't believe a 3 year old and 12 year old are fighting!" That's how much we never got along. Now when I yell at her, she ignores me. When I ask her questions, she doesn't answer. She doesn't even have a reaction. Her emotionless face pisses me off. Do you even think? I always think to myself, then realize that she doesn't. Because she's a dumb person like that. I always made comparisons to her and myself which a parent shouldn't do. Comparing children. But she is so different from me and my elder sister. Compared to my elder sister I was slow, but the younger one and I; she is the dumbest.

I hate her so much that I never want her to see my smile. She doesn't deserve to see it as to how she always upsets me. I hate to be around others when she's with me. For they will see the side they've never seen before which is full of anger and hatred. That is unlike me to show those emotions. I feel sorry for those who have seen that side of me, but I can't contain my anger. My best friend whose seen it several times. My little cousins. I'm a bad role model, but I just hate her so much.

When she pisses me off, I want to cry. Sometimes I let them come out after I've sat in my room alone where she can't see. She doesn't know how much it hurts me inside from the things she does. But even if she were to see me cry nothing would change. She will still piss me off and the process would repeat again. It has happened countless of times that when I yell at her it doesn't affect her anymore. She doesn't remember that we even fought, although for me the anger lingers. Something little would affect me so much and she wouldn't even care. I teach her life lessons, but she doesn't realize it. Maybe when she's older she'll know, but it still may be that she will be dense then too. Always too dumb to realize anything.

I plan to move out in a couple months and hope it all goes well. Then I think of my mother and my younger siblings. She will have to suffer without me there and my sister can't even take care of herself yet even though she should be able to. I feel sorry towards my mom, that since I'm getting older I will be going off into my studies and living on my own and I won't be there to help her. My elder sister got it easy since I was able to take her place. I don't even have anyone to take my place. It's burdensome. I left my mom once when she needed me most, but I was selfish. When I overhear stories of that time, I think to myself that I should have been there to help, but I wasn't. If I was there I would have been able to share the suffering so my mom wouldn't have to suffer alone. But I was selfish. Nowadays I think to myself: was my selfishness worth it? I was a stupid girl. I still am, but I've learned more.

I still am selfish. I just want to be burden-free, happy, and live an easy-going life. That's all I ask for. But is it worth it when someone else has to do the suffering in my place?
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