(no subject)
I just want to take a moment to have a sober discussion about the
drivers in this great state I'm currently residing in: Florida (state
motto: We subtract 100 from all speed limits!).
I know all of you dedicated readers out there may say, "Hey Cat! We told you so! Everyone in Florida is OLD, therefore they will all be BAD drivers!" Well, per usual, you are all incorrect. I have found that at LEAST seven people in this state are under the age of 40.
No really, I don't think the elder residents of this great state are to blame for the ginormous amount of atrocious drivers here. In fact, a recent study has proven that senior citizens are ninety (90) percent (%) more likely (+ + +) to avoid pissing off the driver behind them if they:
a. Have good vision
b. Can see over pesky steering wheels
c. Are alive while operating the vehicle
What my observations indicate is that there are a large amount of out of towners (OOTs) in this state. That in itself is not inherently bad or good. But there are different types of OOTs. I have taken the time to research and categorize each type of OOT for your enjoyment.
Really really great OOT
(Greatus ootus)
A rare, but pleasant OOT, G. ootus individuals really blend in to their surroundings. They relish the culture of the area they are visiting* , usually studying the area before they actually arrive. They utilize the internet, books, and suggestions from friends and family who have visited said place. They own the most up-to-date Atlas and are excellent, cautious drivers. They will make mistakes and take wrong turns, but correct themselves in a safe, careful manner.
Identifying characteristis of G. ootus are few, as they are masters of blending in with their environment. They tend to travel in family groups, as they usually spend their vacation time with family.
*This does not apply to states lacking culture (e.g. Vermont).
Good OOT
(Notasgreatbutgoodus ootus)
Friendly individuals with the knack for standing out in a crowd, N. ootus do not bring any clothes with them on their vacation, as they will be purchasing their entire wardrobe from a single gift store. All of their clothing will have the name of the place in which they are vacationing in at least two (2) different places on their person in obnoxious but interesting fonts. Most of the attire will be tye-dyed.
They are relatively good drivers, and while they do not have an Atlas in the car, they will use the helpful maps provided by rental car services. They seek information about the popular attractions and outlet stores when they arrive at the place, and so they tend to make more mistakes while they are driving. However, perhaps because of their close phylogentic relation with G. ootus, they are safe, cautious drivers.
Indentifying characteristics of N. ootus: If in warm places, somewhat sunburned, especially under the eyes and on the bridge of the nose. Some peeling of the epidermis in these areas. In cold places, red from exposure to the cold in the same areas. In both climates, they are always wearing sunglasses and a hat that broadcasts the place in which they are vacationing. Socks with sandals. Tend to travel in larger groups than G. ootus, usually with extended family.
Bad OOTs
(Badus ootus)
Now we're getting somewhere! The BAD OOTS!
Bad OOTs are tolerable on a good day, but complain on average 2.7 times more than they breathe in any given moment. They lack the inability to maintain any stable internal temperature and in that sense, are thought to be closely related to poikilotherms (cold-blooded animals, such as reptiles, snakes, and Michael Moore.) When cold, they seek warmer temperatures. When they arrive at said place with warmer temperatures, they refuse to wear anything other than their winter wear, such as long pants, long-sleeved shirts, caribou hides, etc. This species is unaware that warmer temperatures require less clothing. Despite the mounting research that indicates that in warmer climates, you will actually feel warmer, B. ootus adamently believe that their attire should be able to keep them at a moderate, pleasant temperature whether they are in Antarctica or in a volcanic pit.
As drivers they use no map whatsoever and depend solely on traffic signs. However, traffic signs are only an advantage to drivers if the drivers actually read them. A common belief among many B. ootus individuals is that the information from traffic signs will somehow transmit itself via the Psychic Express into their brains while the OOT is complaining about their rental car (e.g. The car is too small, the car is dirty, the car is the wrong shade of magenta). Unfortunately, the Psychic Express is --at best-- useless, and so no traffic sign information becomes imbedded in the brains of this species. What happens at that point is follows:
Driver: blankly staring in front of him
Passenger: ...and those FRENCH FRIES! Where did they come off saying they were french? I thought people in this state were supposed to be intelligent! Well, I'm telling you, and I actually made this point to Gloria earlier turns to backseat passenger Didn't I, Gloria? turns back to driver that those were obviously Iraqui fries--OHMIGOD points to traffic sign behind her THERE'S OUR TURN
Driver: suddenly alert but still staring straight, jerks the wheel to the right. The car begins to donut, the wheels begin to squeal and start to smoke from friction, the engine explodes, everyone in the car dies.
Passenger: (now dead) I KNEW these Japanese cars were worthless. I told you, didn't I Gloria, we should've done HERTZ, not ALAMO! looks around THIS is the afterlife?
Identifying characteristics: Third degree sunburns on parts of the body exposed to the sun (usually face, nose, arms, and feet). Loud, nasal-y voices, usually with decibles in the 200s. Usually traveling with spouse and/or co-workers, although occasionally with children. When in family groups, the father's mental state is in the range of anywhere from "cucumber" to "desk drawer". The mother is most often Satan incarnate, although slightly more frightening. The children resemble cockroaches in both looks, movement, and intelligence. Avoid family groups at all cost. If encountered, will warn with warning noises, such as "GET AWAY FROM US" or "LAWSUIT". Seek psychiatric care immediately.
When with friends or co-workers, most of these individuals are usually drunk. Avoid at all costs, unless you are offering to silently push them into the ocean, where their constant complaining (and therefore constantly opened mouths) will allow them to drink an adaquate amount of seawater needed for proper drowning.
This species delights in one thing: the prospect of feeding seagulls on crowded public beaches. They will throw any kind of food into the air with the intention of attracting the entire bird population of Florida to their beach chair, and then will lure the animals away by throwing food towards other unsuspecting beachgoes, who are know deaf from the screams of approximately 56,790,000,000 seagulls. Invariably, everyone but B. ootus becomes covered in seagull shit.
**WARNING**
This species of OOT is very dangerous behind the wheel. If you should find yourself behind a vehicle containing at least one OOT, pass the car with caution. If passing is not a safe option, pull over to the side of the road and wait five (5) minutes before commensing driving.
Identifying Bad OOTs WIV (while in vehicle) is relatively easy if you are an observant driver. Watch for the following signs:
1. Erratic driving pattern. Watch for sudden movements made by the car. The most common example of this is the car suddenly veering off into another lane.
2. Sudden braking every four to sixty seconds. This usually occurs in bad OOTs for various reasons, including lack of Psychic Traffic Sign Information Transmission, the driver has a chronic case of NotPayingAttentionToCarInfrontOfIt-itus, or sudden explosive bowel movements/jugular vein explosion due to stress.
3. Aggressive and/or offensive gestures made to you if you are infront of them This includes riding your tail, flicking you off, sending heat-seeking missiles at your car, etc. The reasons for these aggressive actions are unknown. Recent studies have shown that erratic driving on behalf of the non-OOT, driving less than 25,000 miles an hour over the speed limit, and being alive are all things that provoke aggression in B. ootus.
TERRIBLE OOTs
(Terriblus ootus)
This species is by far the worst type of driver one will ever encounter. Many individuals are surprised to hear that T. ootus are not mean by nature, but are extremely fragile, nervous creatures. They are the least intelligent of any of the OOTs. They are easily confused with Good OOTs in their attire, but caution! These OOTs are dangerous!
Terrible OOTs do not learn anything about the area to which they are traveling unless it is briefly mentioned in a commercial on TV, in a magazine article, or the name of the location is prophesized in tea leaves. Unlike Bad OOTs, they do aquire a map, which is usually an Atlas of Lichtenstein dated from 1874*.
Identifying characteristics are difficult when looking at a T. ootus outside of a vehicle, but once in a car or van, they are easy to pick out. They tend to move at an average speed of 1 mph. This is usually due to the fact that they cannot read the map they are looking at (it's from LICHTENSTEIN for God's sake!), or they are making absolutely certain that the Sunset Point Blvd they see on the map EXACTLY matches the Sunset Point Blvd street sign they see. Letter by letter they compare and contrast, discussing along the way, unaware that they are backing up traffic into Georgia, New Hampshire, Washington, Lichtenstein, etc.
They will also park their car whenever they are stopped at a stoplight, then will put the car into reverse unknowingly, then floor the gas pedal, come within 1/456th of an inch of hitting the car behind it (saw this happen to day), then put the car into drive an inch away slowly.
Terrible OOTs will also slam on the brakes and/or park at least half a mile behind any car that has passed into the SAME LANE as they are, or if they are in a long line (say, a traffic jam). According to most Terrible OOTs, it is ESSENTIAL to proper handling of a vehicle to allow at least three (3) blue whales to line up head to tail between you and the car infront of you (in case of an emergency, such as a sudden but common Krill Storm).
*Unless of course, they are traveling to Lichtenstein, where there are no roads, Seven-11s, or points of interest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alright! Well that is enough of my ranting. I've run out of steam. I'll let you know if anything exciting happens tomorrow when I drive to work (like, maybe going 18mph at some point in my 20 minute drive!).
VIVA LICHTENSTEIN!
I know all of you dedicated readers out there may say, "Hey Cat! We told you so! Everyone in Florida is OLD, therefore they will all be BAD drivers!" Well, per usual, you are all incorrect. I have found that at LEAST seven people in this state are under the age of 40.
No really, I don't think the elder residents of this great state are to blame for the ginormous amount of atrocious drivers here. In fact, a recent study has proven that senior citizens are ninety (90) percent (%) more likely (+ + +) to avoid pissing off the driver behind them if they:
a. Have good vision
b. Can see over pesky steering wheels
c. Are alive while operating the vehicle
What my observations indicate is that there are a large amount of out of towners (OOTs) in this state. That in itself is not inherently bad or good. But there are different types of OOTs. I have taken the time to research and categorize each type of OOT for your enjoyment.
Really really great OOT
(Greatus ootus)
A rare, but pleasant OOT, G. ootus individuals really blend in to their surroundings. They relish the culture of the area they are visiting* , usually studying the area before they actually arrive. They utilize the internet, books, and suggestions from friends and family who have visited said place. They own the most up-to-date Atlas and are excellent, cautious drivers. They will make mistakes and take wrong turns, but correct themselves in a safe, careful manner.
Identifying characteristis of G. ootus are few, as they are masters of blending in with their environment. They tend to travel in family groups, as they usually spend their vacation time with family.
*This does not apply to states lacking culture (e.g. Vermont).
Good OOT
(Notasgreatbutgoodus ootus)
Friendly individuals with the knack for standing out in a crowd, N. ootus do not bring any clothes with them on their vacation, as they will be purchasing their entire wardrobe from a single gift store. All of their clothing will have the name of the place in which they are vacationing in at least two (2) different places on their person in obnoxious but interesting fonts. Most of the attire will be tye-dyed.
They are relatively good drivers, and while they do not have an Atlas in the car, they will use the helpful maps provided by rental car services. They seek information about the popular attractions and outlet stores when they arrive at the place, and so they tend to make more mistakes while they are driving. However, perhaps because of their close phylogentic relation with G. ootus, they are safe, cautious drivers.
Indentifying characteristics of N. ootus: If in warm places, somewhat sunburned, especially under the eyes and on the bridge of the nose. Some peeling of the epidermis in these areas. In cold places, red from exposure to the cold in the same areas. In both climates, they are always wearing sunglasses and a hat that broadcasts the place in which they are vacationing. Socks with sandals. Tend to travel in larger groups than G. ootus, usually with extended family.
Bad OOTs
(Badus ootus)
Now we're getting somewhere! The BAD OOTS!
Bad OOTs are tolerable on a good day, but complain on average 2.7 times more than they breathe in any given moment. They lack the inability to maintain any stable internal temperature and in that sense, are thought to be closely related to poikilotherms (cold-blooded animals, such as reptiles, snakes, and Michael Moore.) When cold, they seek warmer temperatures. When they arrive at said place with warmer temperatures, they refuse to wear anything other than their winter wear, such as long pants, long-sleeved shirts, caribou hides, etc. This species is unaware that warmer temperatures require less clothing. Despite the mounting research that indicates that in warmer climates, you will actually feel warmer, B. ootus adamently believe that their attire should be able to keep them at a moderate, pleasant temperature whether they are in Antarctica or in a volcanic pit.
As drivers they use no map whatsoever and depend solely on traffic signs. However, traffic signs are only an advantage to drivers if the drivers actually read them. A common belief among many B. ootus individuals is that the information from traffic signs will somehow transmit itself via the Psychic Express into their brains while the OOT is complaining about their rental car (e.g. The car is too small, the car is dirty, the car is the wrong shade of magenta). Unfortunately, the Psychic Express is --at best-- useless, and so no traffic sign information becomes imbedded in the brains of this species. What happens at that point is follows:
Driver: blankly staring in front of him
Passenger: ...and those FRENCH FRIES! Where did they come off saying they were french? I thought people in this state were supposed to be intelligent! Well, I'm telling you, and I actually made this point to Gloria earlier turns to backseat passenger Didn't I, Gloria? turns back to driver that those were obviously Iraqui fries--OHMIGOD points to traffic sign behind her THERE'S OUR TURN
Driver: suddenly alert but still staring straight, jerks the wheel to the right. The car begins to donut, the wheels begin to squeal and start to smoke from friction, the engine explodes, everyone in the car dies.
Passenger: (now dead) I KNEW these Japanese cars were worthless. I told you, didn't I Gloria, we should've done HERTZ, not ALAMO! looks around THIS is the afterlife?
Identifying characteristics: Third degree sunburns on parts of the body exposed to the sun (usually face, nose, arms, and feet). Loud, nasal-y voices, usually with decibles in the 200s. Usually traveling with spouse and/or co-workers, although occasionally with children. When in family groups, the father's mental state is in the range of anywhere from "cucumber" to "desk drawer". The mother is most often Satan incarnate, although slightly more frightening. The children resemble cockroaches in both looks, movement, and intelligence. Avoid family groups at all cost. If encountered, will warn with warning noises, such as "GET AWAY FROM US" or "LAWSUIT". Seek psychiatric care immediately.
When with friends or co-workers, most of these individuals are usually drunk. Avoid at all costs, unless you are offering to silently push them into the ocean, where their constant complaining (and therefore constantly opened mouths) will allow them to drink an adaquate amount of seawater needed for proper drowning.
This species delights in one thing: the prospect of feeding seagulls on crowded public beaches. They will throw any kind of food into the air with the intention of attracting the entire bird population of Florida to their beach chair, and then will lure the animals away by throwing food towards other unsuspecting beachgoes, who are know deaf from the screams of approximately 56,790,000,000 seagulls. Invariably, everyone but B. ootus becomes covered in seagull shit.
**WARNING**
This species of OOT is very dangerous behind the wheel. If you should find yourself behind a vehicle containing at least one OOT, pass the car with caution. If passing is not a safe option, pull over to the side of the road and wait five (5) minutes before commensing driving.
Identifying Bad OOTs WIV (while in vehicle) is relatively easy if you are an observant driver. Watch for the following signs:
1. Erratic driving pattern. Watch for sudden movements made by the car. The most common example of this is the car suddenly veering off into another lane.
2. Sudden braking every four to sixty seconds. This usually occurs in bad OOTs for various reasons, including lack of Psychic Traffic Sign Information Transmission, the driver has a chronic case of NotPayingAttentionToCarInfrontOfIt-itus, or sudden explosive bowel movements/jugular vein explosion due to stress.
3. Aggressive and/or offensive gestures made to you if you are infront of them This includes riding your tail, flicking you off, sending heat-seeking missiles at your car, etc. The reasons for these aggressive actions are unknown. Recent studies have shown that erratic driving on behalf of the non-OOT, driving less than 25,000 miles an hour over the speed limit, and being alive are all things that provoke aggression in B. ootus.
TERRIBLE OOTs
(Terriblus ootus)
This species is by far the worst type of driver one will ever encounter. Many individuals are surprised to hear that T. ootus are not mean by nature, but are extremely fragile, nervous creatures. They are the least intelligent of any of the OOTs. They are easily confused with Good OOTs in their attire, but caution! These OOTs are dangerous!
Terrible OOTs do not learn anything about the area to which they are traveling unless it is briefly mentioned in a commercial on TV, in a magazine article, or the name of the location is prophesized in tea leaves. Unlike Bad OOTs, they do aquire a map, which is usually an Atlas of Lichtenstein dated from 1874*.
Identifying characteristics are difficult when looking at a T. ootus outside of a vehicle, but once in a car or van, they are easy to pick out. They tend to move at an average speed of 1 mph. This is usually due to the fact that they cannot read the map they are looking at (it's from LICHTENSTEIN for God's sake!), or they are making absolutely certain that the Sunset Point Blvd they see on the map EXACTLY matches the Sunset Point Blvd street sign they see. Letter by letter they compare and contrast, discussing along the way, unaware that they are backing up traffic into Georgia, New Hampshire, Washington, Lichtenstein, etc.
They will also park their car whenever they are stopped at a stoplight, then will put the car into reverse unknowingly, then floor the gas pedal, come within 1/456th of an inch of hitting the car behind it (saw this happen to day), then put the car into drive an inch away slowly.
Terrible OOTs will also slam on the brakes and/or park at least half a mile behind any car that has passed into the SAME LANE as they are, or if they are in a long line (say, a traffic jam). According to most Terrible OOTs, it is ESSENTIAL to proper handling of a vehicle to allow at least three (3) blue whales to line up head to tail between you and the car infront of you (in case of an emergency, such as a sudden but common Krill Storm).
*Unless of course, they are traveling to Lichtenstein, where there are no roads, Seven-11s, or points of interest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alright! Well that is enough of my ranting. I've run out of steam. I'll let you know if anything exciting happens tomorrow when I drive to work (like, maybe going 18mph at some point in my 20 minute drive!).
VIVA LICHTENSTEIN!