(no subject)
i am a fuck. a fuck fuck fucking fuck. and i sat in my room crying, dying, vomiting, screaming for a whole month about how unfair life is and how fucking cruel some people can be, just to be chemically resurrected and forced into the realization that i am one of those people. one person. there was one person that never left me. she had every right to. but she stayed and pulled me out of the darkness, into calm, to her. she made me eat and hold it down, she let me soak her shirt with tears, she would hold me for hours until i would stop shaking, she talked nonsense to keep my mind off of my sadness, she never left me alone. and my gratitude was best expressed by my betrayal. and she looked at me and said, "i love you. i'm in love with you. i want to be with you and i'll do whatever it takes." what do you say to that? a coward would say it back and then fool herself into believing that what she says is true, or why else would she say it?
i'm a coward.
Sarah, remember our conversation from two weeks ago? The one where you said, "Stacey, you can't be alone. You've never been single." Fuck you for being right. And fuck me for not seeing that in myself.
I'm always alone, but sometimes, I can fool myself into thinking that I'm okay when there is someone else around, when I have someone else to think about. But everyone goes away and I'm left with the very person I've been running from...me.
I need to go away for a while.
i'm a coward.
Sarah, remember our conversation from two weeks ago? The one where you said, "Stacey, you can't be alone. You've never been single." Fuck you for being right. And fuck me for not seeing that in myself.
I'm always alone, but sometimes, I can fool myself into thinking that I'm okay when there is someone else around, when I have someone else to think about. But everyone goes away and I'm left with the very person I've been running from...me.
I need to go away for a while.