(no subject)

[funkessential]

one of the bad things about my particular brand of ragging is that i tend to break out. not normal white heads or even a smattering of red bumps -- i'm talking huge serious acne. since i have nice skin (in general, usually) these acne freak me out intensely. they are enormous and painful, large lumps of horribleness under the skin that swell up and HURT. these are the kinds of zits you cannot pop under any circumstances. they have no "heads," no place where the infected pore is visible. the infection is so far beneath the skin that squeezing them just inflames the area, causing it to swell even more. i know this, yet my obsessive compulsive behaviors seem to force me to pick and squeeze and bother myself until i have what are pretty much open wounds on my face. i have two such wounds right now, horribly ugly and painful and gross. they seep, not puss or normal zit-stuff, but a clear fluid that is the byproduct of the infection begging me to leave it alone. why do i hurt myself like that? it's so unhealthy. and a third one is on the way...

this doesnt happen every time i get my period, but it happens sometimes, especially when i havent been eating too well (check) and when i'm stressed out (check). it's weird... the ortho tricyclin lo was doing so well the first two months and then this month i just tanked... serious mood swings and crying for no reason, the works. sigh. at least it's past it's peak. i know there are real problems in my life and even realer problems in the world, but sometimes these totally self-focused problems take up all thought. it's sad and pathetic really, but i'm glad to have vented.