E pur' io torno qui
As I mentioned last time, I've been a little down lately. Understandably so - it's difficult to go from being right there next to someone you care about, being able to laugh together, hold them close and share some cozy moments, to being alone and so far away again. This sense of separation stings a little. I know I'll get to see DJ again, but I always want it to happen a little sooner, and that's a weird, 'conflicting' feeling. It's great because I feel so good about someone that I'm pained by being away from them, and it's hard because...well, I'm pained. I realized today that I'm happy that I'm sad, which is funny because it's confusing.
I haven't been shut in or moping about uselessly, but it has been harder to get out and do things. Looking ahead, I don't feel like going to the gym, I don't want to go to the board meetings next week, and I don't want to go to lunch with the folks on Sunday. I already don't want to go to work, so that's nothing new. I don't like letting people down, though, so for the last few days, I've been trying to push and shove myself through this sadness. 'Just get over it', I kept thinking. Force you way past it. It's been frustrating, stirring a lot of feels up, but I only attributed it to my feeling down. When I wasn't able to 'just get over it', I kept shoving to make it happen, but it never got any better.
Today, though, I spontaneously remembered something, some piece of advice that DJ tumbled not too long ago, that we struggle with our feelings too often instead of accepting them. From that, I realized that my frustration wasn't from the situation; it came from the failure to 'just get over it' struggle surrounding it, as if I were trying to move a mountain and, in ignoring certain obvious limitations, getting confused over why it wouldn't budge. By that, I mean that I absolutely can't 'just get over' this. This whole thing means too much to me. Frankly, it's a little insulting too because it belittles how I feel about this relationship, as if it doesn't matter and can be casually forgotten. I realized that I just need to accept the situation - just be a little sad.
I would've talked to DJ about this, because I know she would've helped me wrestle this idea to the ground a little sooner, but she's been tired and stressed lately herself. Something this emotionally-involving would've just been another thing on top of a tall pile. I know I can depend on her when I need to, but I also don't want to needlessly complicate her life.
Now, accepting a feeling is okay, but I'm of the personal opinion that it's important to also understand why one feels certain things and find some closure. For instance, people who are depressed, I feel, should try to identify the source, whether it is environmental or medical, so it can be addressed and helped. I personally don't want to simple coast through this feeling or let it linger any longer than necessary; I want to fix it. But that's no surprise - it dawned on me earlier this week that I should be actively searching for jobs down in the Dallas area so I can get there a little faster. Staying with my current job and transferring later is acceptable, but will take longer. So I do have a solution in sight - I only need to keep working towards it, not struggling to push everything else around. In a couple weeks, who knows? One of the jobs I applied for might give me a call (one in particular seemed kind of 'fun', a mail room clerk with decent pay). If not, I just need to keep trying.
It is a long process and, in and of itself, still frustrating. I think I'll be happier in the end, though, so it is something worth working towards. Focusing on the positives helps too, like just knowing that there is someone pretty special who wants to see me again soon. I still have the opportunity to enjoy talking and playing with DJ most nights, so it isn't as though I've lost anything. I've only gained.
In the mean time, I still need to (ugh) go to work, enjoy lunch with my family, and go to those meetings. I'll only feel worse if I don't, and disassembling my life won't help anything.
I haven't been shut in or moping about uselessly, but it has been harder to get out and do things. Looking ahead, I don't feel like going to the gym, I don't want to go to the board meetings next week, and I don't want to go to lunch with the folks on Sunday. I already don't want to go to work, so that's nothing new. I don't like letting people down, though, so for the last few days, I've been trying to push and shove myself through this sadness. 'Just get over it', I kept thinking. Force you way past it. It's been frustrating, stirring a lot of feels up, but I only attributed it to my feeling down. When I wasn't able to 'just get over it', I kept shoving to make it happen, but it never got any better.
Today, though, I spontaneously remembered something, some piece of advice that DJ tumbled not too long ago, that we struggle with our feelings too often instead of accepting them. From that, I realized that my frustration wasn't from the situation; it came from the failure to 'just get over it' struggle surrounding it, as if I were trying to move a mountain and, in ignoring certain obvious limitations, getting confused over why it wouldn't budge. By that, I mean that I absolutely can't 'just get over' this. This whole thing means too much to me. Frankly, it's a little insulting too because it belittles how I feel about this relationship, as if it doesn't matter and can be casually forgotten. I realized that I just need to accept the situation - just be a little sad.
I would've talked to DJ about this, because I know she would've helped me wrestle this idea to the ground a little sooner, but she's been tired and stressed lately herself. Something this emotionally-involving would've just been another thing on top of a tall pile. I know I can depend on her when I need to, but I also don't want to needlessly complicate her life.
Now, accepting a feeling is okay, but I'm of the personal opinion that it's important to also understand why one feels certain things and find some closure. For instance, people who are depressed, I feel, should try to identify the source, whether it is environmental or medical, so it can be addressed and helped. I personally don't want to simple coast through this feeling or let it linger any longer than necessary; I want to fix it. But that's no surprise - it dawned on me earlier this week that I should be actively searching for jobs down in the Dallas area so I can get there a little faster. Staying with my current job and transferring later is acceptable, but will take longer. So I do have a solution in sight - I only need to keep working towards it, not struggling to push everything else around. In a couple weeks, who knows? One of the jobs I applied for might give me a call (one in particular seemed kind of 'fun', a mail room clerk with decent pay). If not, I just need to keep trying.
It is a long process and, in and of itself, still frustrating. I think I'll be happier in the end, though, so it is something worth working towards. Focusing on the positives helps too, like just knowing that there is someone pretty special who wants to see me again soon. I still have the opportunity to enjoy talking and playing with DJ most nights, so it isn't as though I've lost anything. I've only gained.
In the mean time, I still need to (ugh) go to work, enjoy lunch with my family, and go to those meetings. I'll only feel worse if I don't, and disassembling my life won't help anything.