Horcorn McFourcorn makes magic of Math!
We need to talk.
So. I've been unhappy for a good while now. I've had endless trouble tracing the origin of my depression, but I think I'm on to something here -
I've been depressed since I stopped acting - since I stopped pursuing it in earnest. I've had no outlet for my chronic dishonesty, and have, as such, become a liar by trade. I've gotten increasingly out of shape, frustratingly quieter, and more removed by and by from dear friends (most of them, understand, are theatre people). I've developed habits and tendencies entirely concerned with image, carriage, and poise, in the absence of a character to play or a costume to wear.
And here, in minnesota, of all places(?!), by dumb-as-can-be circumstance, I am acting again, and it FEEDS me. Of course, it's a very specific type of comedy in which I'm involved, and, from what I can tell, the Method and its peripherals don't have much stock here, but, nonetheless, I have characters to play. Two! I get to be, all in all, three different people, and that is more sacred to me than ever I gave it credit for.
What's more is I'm slowly figuring out that what initially drove me to act had nothing to do with what should cause one to pursue it. I found, pretty early on, that I could be decent at it without trying very hard, and therefore never really tried. It didn't matter to me that I wasn't doing it as well as I could, because, as far as I could tell, I was still doing WELL, and found people really liked me for it, and at the time, that's what mattered to me. I, who went through most of my pre-acting life making a general ass of myself and being poked fun at, was causing people to stand up and clap for me, and that settled it for me back then. My passion moved from elementary school-level zoology (Zoology! Mike the Veterinarian!), video games and marginal fantasy novels to full time ego-maintenance.
But somewhere in there, without my knowing it, something more substantial in acting put its claws in me. A slow, burgeoning thing that reared its head in brief, when by some dumb coincidence I had actually memorized my lines past having to think of them as lines - Something that freed me from having to be the most important goddamn thing in my life and removed, with surgical precision, me from me and replaced the contents with a fluid vessel of the text in form and tone - not Overblown Me at all, but my character.
The story! I got to be the story, and nothing is more important than the story.
So, I think I understand fully why I now, more than ever, need to act above all things.
A list of things that I did better and more often while I was acting:
Music Composition
Writing
Laughing
Talking
optimism
telling the truth
staying in shape
And more, I'm sure.
Also, for the first time, there isn't a single facet of my supposed identity that I wouldn't gladly cast off in favor of honing the craft.
So, in light of the above, I'm playing with the idea of enrolling in the UNCG BFA acting program. It is, on the surface, a suicidally silly idea for me - it would mean, at the very least, three more years of school for me. It could very well mean that I graduate behind my siblings.
That said, there are plenty of BFAs in the program who, like me, are on their second tries, and are finding that it's absolutely the right choice. The success rate for those who enroll seems exponentially high - they've had a fair amount of tonys in their alumni.
Etcetera etcetera et-fucking-cetera.
Bottom line, it's what I've done for most of my life, something at which I could be quite good if I gave it my best shot, and something that makes me a better person.
This is as sober an epiphany as ever I've been struck with. This isn't a white-light-moment-of-inspiration. This is me realizing my role in the world whether I like it or not. I am a performer. A portayer. No matter which way you spin it.
So. I've been unhappy for a good while now. I've had endless trouble tracing the origin of my depression, but I think I'm on to something here -
I've been depressed since I stopped acting - since I stopped pursuing it in earnest. I've had no outlet for my chronic dishonesty, and have, as such, become a liar by trade. I've gotten increasingly out of shape, frustratingly quieter, and more removed by and by from dear friends (most of them, understand, are theatre people). I've developed habits and tendencies entirely concerned with image, carriage, and poise, in the absence of a character to play or a costume to wear.
And here, in minnesota, of all places(?!), by dumb-as-can-be circumstance, I am acting again, and it FEEDS me. Of course, it's a very specific type of comedy in which I'm involved, and, from what I can tell, the Method and its peripherals don't have much stock here, but, nonetheless, I have characters to play. Two! I get to be, all in all, three different people, and that is more sacred to me than ever I gave it credit for.
What's more is I'm slowly figuring out that what initially drove me to act had nothing to do with what should cause one to pursue it. I found, pretty early on, that I could be decent at it without trying very hard, and therefore never really tried. It didn't matter to me that I wasn't doing it as well as I could, because, as far as I could tell, I was still doing WELL, and found people really liked me for it, and at the time, that's what mattered to me. I, who went through most of my pre-acting life making a general ass of myself and being poked fun at, was causing people to stand up and clap for me, and that settled it for me back then. My passion moved from elementary school-level zoology (Zoology! Mike the Veterinarian!), video games and marginal fantasy novels to full time ego-maintenance.
But somewhere in there, without my knowing it, something more substantial in acting put its claws in me. A slow, burgeoning thing that reared its head in brief, when by some dumb coincidence I had actually memorized my lines past having to think of them as lines - Something that freed me from having to be the most important goddamn thing in my life and removed, with surgical precision, me from me and replaced the contents with a fluid vessel of the text in form and tone - not Overblown Me at all, but my character.
The story! I got to be the story, and nothing is more important than the story.
So, I think I understand fully why I now, more than ever, need to act above all things.
A list of things that I did better and more often while I was acting:
Music Composition
Writing
Laughing
Talking
optimism
telling the truth
staying in shape
And more, I'm sure.
Also, for the first time, there isn't a single facet of my supposed identity that I wouldn't gladly cast off in favor of honing the craft.
So, in light of the above, I'm playing with the idea of enrolling in the UNCG BFA acting program. It is, on the surface, a suicidally silly idea for me - it would mean, at the very least, three more years of school for me. It could very well mean that I graduate behind my siblings.
That said, there are plenty of BFAs in the program who, like me, are on their second tries, and are finding that it's absolutely the right choice. The success rate for those who enroll seems exponentially high - they've had a fair amount of tonys in their alumni.
Etcetera etcetera et-fucking-cetera.
Bottom line, it's what I've done for most of my life, something at which I could be quite good if I gave it my best shot, and something that makes me a better person.
This is as sober an epiphany as ever I've been struck with. This isn't a white-light-moment-of-inspiration. This is me realizing my role in the world whether I like it or not. I am a performer. A portayer. No matter which way you spin it.