I don't know which part of this irritates me more - the part where you assume that no one is reading (when I have repeatedly told you that I will always read anything you write) or the part where you casually mention that you're already married and say not to tell anyone. Seriously? Do you realize who you're talking to? Jerkface. :P
I know I'm hardly the best person to give relationship advice, but here's what I've learned after 10 years.
1. Only make breakfast if you know what you're doing. There's nothing worse than trying to choke down crappy food at 6:00 am just to make someone happy. Although given your family's propensity for cooking for ANY OCCASION, I doubt that would be the case.
2. There are some times that you will go to bed angry. It's inevitable. Because something will come up, and between work and schedules and stress and family and other obligations, the only time you will have to talk about said issue is at three in the morning when one or both of you have to work in the morning and beating the issue to death won't solve anything. The trick is to realize when you are legitimately feeling like your voice isn't being heard, and when your pride or stubbornness is keeping you from seeing that big picture/right option.
3. Do not use a baby as cement to hold a relationship together, or as the foundation to start one. I say this as a person who's about to pop out her second kid in a year (fingers crossed that we get to take this one home in a carseat instead of an urn). That's an awful lot of pressure to put on one tiny little human. And while children will occupy most of your minds and conversations for a good, long while, there is a reason why a lot of divorces happen when the kids are no longer front and center.
4. Sleep in separate rooms only if one or both of you snore. If neither of you snore, you will miss out on a million little intimacies that come from just sharing a space with someone. If either of you snore, separate rooms will be crucial for sanity purposes.
5. Laughter and candor will get you through a lot of things, yes. But not everything. The true test of a relationship isn't on the good days or even the mediocre ones. It's on the days when something so unimaginable has happened that you can't really tell what direction you're facing anymore. The tragedy will come, and no amount of laughter will get you through that. The only thing that will is the ability to temporarily put aside your own pain to be the strong one for someone else, and then allowing that person to be strong for you when you can't.
6. Sharing a passion is great, but for the love of God, keep separate hobbies. I know it's hard when you've just moved to a new place and don't really know the lay of the land or a lot of people yet, but trust me on this one. Join a book club, take a foreign language class at the local adult education site, develop a sudden love of solo hikes through all the springs down there (apparently there's one my sister went to that has actual live monkeys living in it. They escaped from a movie set). Talk about your separate hobbies, but don't insist that you share them all. Sometimes, you just need somewhere to go and something to do that has nothing to do with your relationship.
7. You're absolutely right in that there is no magic formula for a perfect relationship. The most important thing to keep in mind, however, is that you are not the person you are going to be tomorrow or next week or next month or next year, and neither is she. Everything that happens to either one of you leaves an imprint on the person you're becoming. The trick is to make sure you're both growing in the same direction.
I know I'm hardly the best person to give relationship advice, but here's what I've learned after 10 years.
1. Only make breakfast if you know what you're doing. There's nothing worse than trying to choke down crappy food at 6:00 am just to make someone happy. Although given your family's propensity for cooking for ANY OCCASION, I doubt that would be the case.
2. There are some times that you will go to bed angry. It's inevitable. Because something will come up, and between work and schedules and stress and family and other obligations, the only time you will have to talk about said issue is at three in the morning when one or both of you have to work in the morning and beating the issue to death won't solve anything. The trick is to realize when you are legitimately feeling like your voice isn't being heard, and when your pride or stubbornness is keeping you from seeing that big picture/right option.
3. Do not use a baby as cement to hold a relationship together, or as the foundation to start one. I say this as a person who's about to pop out her second kid in a year (fingers crossed that we get to take this one home in a carseat instead of an urn). That's an awful lot of pressure to put on one tiny little human. And while children will occupy most of your minds and conversations for a good, long while, there is a reason why a lot of divorces happen when the kids are no longer front and center.
4. Sleep in separate rooms only if one or both of you snore. If neither of you snore, you will miss out on a million little intimacies that come from just sharing a space with someone. If either of you snore, separate rooms will be crucial for sanity purposes.
5. Laughter and candor will get you through a lot of things, yes. But not everything. The true test of a relationship isn't on the good days or even the mediocre ones. It's on the days when something so unimaginable has happened that you can't really tell what direction you're facing anymore. The tragedy will come, and no amount of laughter will get you through that. The only thing that will is the ability to temporarily put aside your own pain to be the strong one for someone else, and then allowing that person to be strong for you when you can't.
6. Sharing a passion is great, but for the love of God, keep separate hobbies. I know it's hard when you've just moved to a new place and don't really know the lay of the land or a lot of people yet, but trust me on this one. Join a book club, take a foreign language class at the local adult education site, develop a sudden love of solo hikes through all the springs down there (apparently there's one my sister went to that has actual live monkeys living in it. They escaped from a movie set). Talk about your separate hobbies, but don't insist that you share them all. Sometimes, you just need somewhere to go and something to do that has nothing to do with your relationship.
7. You're absolutely right in that there is no magic formula for a perfect relationship. The most important thing to keep in mind, however, is that you are not the person you are going to be tomorrow or next week or next month or next year, and neither is she. Everything that happens to either one of you leaves an imprint on the person you're becoming. The trick is to make sure you're both growing in the same direction.
Congratulations, dear friend.
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