once again...
Im starting to realize that im becoming more like my dad, and that scares me a lot.
A couple years ago I wrote an entry here on livejournal about how im becoming like my dad and how I want to change. Years later I find myself feeling the same way. This time I believe it is coming true. With everything that has been going on in my life, people telling me that Im to distant, not being able to express my feelings, why cant I change?
Ive cut down on my drinking and stopped smoking weed. Im a social drinker. I need to have a drink in order for me to socialize with others. If not, im sitting alone not talking and being really anti-social. I hate that. I hate that I need to have a drink to be a social person. Why do I need to have a drink to talk to people? Its a problem I have had for a long time. A long time.
Being distant sucks. I cant help it. Another problem Ive had for a really long time. It affects me in many ways. Mostly my relstionships with friends and girlfriends. I guess I feel like Im scared of getting hurt. As much as I want to be close to peoeple, I always think of the worst. What do I mean? Imagine always thinking that your bestfriend or girlfriend will do something behind your back and finding out about it later. Such a sad way to live right? It started when my ex girlfriend Alejandra cheated on me. I loved her. A lot. It hurt soo much when I found out she cheated on me. I felt dead. My trust in her was lost. Yet I forgave her but the thought that she would do it again was still in my head. Not just the thought that she would do it again, my the image of her cheating on me was in my head. I knew how the guy looked and where she did it. I hated not being able to take that thought out of my head. It fucked me up for good.
That was 2 years ago, almost 3. Ive gotten over her but not pain of being cheated on. Im apply that feeling to every girl Ive dated since Alejandra. Its not fair to the girl. I do it anyways. I cant help it. I have trust issues. Big time. I think I need to see someone for that. Ive been told its not healthy. Also listening to Alkaline Trio and Heavens will writting this is not helping.
So going back to the whole "im becoming like my dad" thing, yes I believe that I am. Im going to continue this blog later. I have to much in my head. Need to think.
A couple years ago I wrote an entry here on livejournal about how im becoming like my dad and how I want to change. Years later I find myself feeling the same way. This time I believe it is coming true. With everything that has been going on in my life, people telling me that Im to distant, not being able to express my feelings, why cant I change?
Ive cut down on my drinking and stopped smoking weed. Im a social drinker. I need to have a drink in order for me to socialize with others. If not, im sitting alone not talking and being really anti-social. I hate that. I hate that I need to have a drink to be a social person. Why do I need to have a drink to talk to people? Its a problem I have had for a long time. A long time.
Being distant sucks. I cant help it. Another problem Ive had for a really long time. It affects me in many ways. Mostly my relstionships with friends and girlfriends. I guess I feel like Im scared of getting hurt. As much as I want to be close to peoeple, I always think of the worst. What do I mean? Imagine always thinking that your bestfriend or girlfriend will do something behind your back and finding out about it later. Such a sad way to live right? It started when my ex girlfriend Alejandra cheated on me. I loved her. A lot. It hurt soo much when I found out she cheated on me. I felt dead. My trust in her was lost. Yet I forgave her but the thought that she would do it again was still in my head. Not just the thought that she would do it again, my the image of her cheating on me was in my head. I knew how the guy looked and where she did it. I hated not being able to take that thought out of my head. It fucked me up for good.
That was 2 years ago, almost 3. Ive gotten over her but not pain of being cheated on. Im apply that feeling to every girl Ive dated since Alejandra. Its not fair to the girl. I do it anyways. I cant help it. I have trust issues. Big time. I think I need to see someone for that. Ive been told its not healthy. Also listening to Alkaline Trio and Heavens will writting this is not helping.
So going back to the whole "im becoming like my dad" thing, yes I believe that I am. Im going to continue this blog later. I have to much in my head. Need to think.