Misery <3 company
Monstrous Deity
"Ooooooh ooooooh, ooooooh ooooooh,
ooooooh ooooooh"
Billy Joel - Uptown Girl
"Mark simply said 'Go to the toilet, Winkle.'
I did what he said and as I was standing there these three guys
came in. One stood either side of me and one behind me."
Shane Ritchie - "Rags to Ritchie"
"Im your worst nightmare. An 8 year old with a badge"
The wee boy from "Cop and a Half"
Saturday night I was on the bus heading into town. It was the launch night for "DirtyDingus", a music fanzine that Mick had compiled, in the Steamie, and as im trying my hardest to become an alcoholic, thought id head down and check it out (Drink booze). On the bus I over heard 2 young girls talking about something that had nothing to do with me. As I usually do, I decided to interrupt them with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer. They were talking about whatever loser had been evicted from the "Big Brother house" and I quite rightly informed them that watching "Big Brother" was a waste of their time, and was slowly rotting their already corrupted minds. I suggested drinking would be more beneficial to them, as it would most likely speed them on their way to an early grave, which, by the looks of them, they were already half way towards. They sneered at me and called me a "poof" and told me to "mind my own fucking business". I got off and walked the other 5 miles into town.
When I got into town I met a man whom I vaguely remembered having once commented "What a lovely day we're having" while standing next to him in the cue at Tescos when I was buying my "Coco Pops". When I say I was buying them, what I mean is that I was picking them up for my mum, because I have no income, and no job, and my mummy still buys me the cereal I like. So, anyway, I decided to tell this complete stranger about my views on why anyone who's IQ was of a certain level, should be chemically castrated and made to work the rest of their worthless life in some kind of undemanding, unrewarding, unskilled labour, making life easier for us geniuses and then have their organs removed when they reach a certain age, to aid the geniuses who have damaged their liver through excess alcohol consumption. The man looked at me rather strangely, before wandering off. He must have been a foreigner. Either that or a moron.
When I finally reached the Steamie the night was in full swing. I tried to avoid looking at McNeill, because, as per usual, he was looking much better than me. I could see that he was enjoying himself again, and people were crowding round to talk to him. I decided I should go over, and see if I could get the "superstar rub" from him.
Eureka! It worked!
People I had never met before started to talk to me, and once I had put my paranoid thoughts of some kind of group prank to rest, started engaging the proles in some witty banter. Not long after, we decided to go to "Lava". Stood outside with Martin and Kieran drinking a bottle of wine, as seems de rigeur these days for the working class.
Headed into "Lava" and at first it was fairly quiet, but after news of our arrival, or, to be more specific, "The Heats" arrival, started to spread, the place soon filled up. Spent most of the evening being dumbstruck by the amount of people who wanted to talk to me, and my suspicions were further aroused when one of the attractive young ladies invited me to her party. Later on, they played a mash up of "Smells like teen spirit" and "Bootylicious". I took this opportunity to get Martin onto the dancefloor, so I could try and memorise some of his amazing dance moves to steal from him. We ended up getting carried away, and at one point the philistine attacked me. My head was split open, and started pouring blood. McNeill done a runner, as he was more likely than not scared I would retalite. My firey itallian blood was pumping through my veins, and, coincidentally, out my head. Someone took me outside to sit, and clean me up. And then the boozin' started again.
Once we reached the end of the night, we were waiting outside on Martin, who most likely was having some sort of sordid sexual liaison with someone old enough to be his neighbours daughter. Eventually he emerged, and we set off to Tescos, despite The Heats insistence that it wouldnt be open. When we got there, it was quite clearly shut. Thats when the trouble started. Some jumped up idiot decided that it would be funny to take the piss out of Martin behind his back, but failed to realise that Mr McNeill, wasnt in the best of moods. A rather angry Martin confronted this joker.
Martin - "Whit the fuck you shoutin aboot pal? Do you even know me?"
anonymous idiot - "It wisnae me man, it was the seagulls"
At this point it looked like violence was imminent, but McShane and myself managed to get the overly irate Martin away from this tosser, and over to the taxi rank outside Word Up. All was going well, until the volatile Mr McNeill decided he needed closure on the situation there and then, and headed back over to Tescos. The idiot had obviously realised the error of his ways, and after a few violent threats from Martin, decided he was outclassed. He was after all dealing with the alpha male. The night ended shortly thereafter, when Martin and Myself went and got a taxi back to his house to drink wine and watch Burt Reynolds films.
I fell asleep about 8am, and had the strangest dream. I dreampt I was having a nice normal dream, where there was nothing wrong, and no David Lynch / "Silent Hill" style madness. I woke up in a sweat and realised that my heart was beating much faster than normal. I then walked home, to allow the anger inside me to abate. I went for a jam with Garry and some other random fellas, who were quite clearly beneath me, in terms of song writing, and making noises on the geetar. I found a pound on the bus home, and managed to annoy one of my cousins by mentioning homosexuality & homosexual literature in public. Oh well.
"Kelley, can you handle this
Michelle, can you handle this
Beyonce, can you handle
I don't think you can handle this?
Load up on guns
Bring your friends
Its fun to lose
And to pretend
Shes overboard
Myself assured
I know I know
A dirty word
I don't think you ready for this jelly
i don't think you ready for this jelly
I don't think you ready for this
Is my body to bootylicious for ya babey hehe!"