(no subject)
its interesting how when i am emotionally attached to anyone person i just seem to destroy there lives, including my parents, friends and love of my life even. By this i mean my parents have no money no car, pretty much nothing, and i found myself having to live off there charity while i bombarding them with emotional stress that they already have, i know this because i found my parents with several deep cuts on there wrists and forearms, while i go into the bathroom to see the scares of the remains of blades slashing through my skin. My friend, well i believe i have a very good and loyal friend, however, i keep taking away his attention from school, i find him ditching alot just cause he wants to hang out, i know these arent my decisions but i am still responsible for the actions taken. my love..i dont even know where to start there, i see myself no where in the next year, most likly dead, and i dont want her to be there when that happens, that would be far too selfish of myself.
its interesting that all of these people are blind of how i fuck them over, not intentionally but still its there in plain sight for me now. i guess this is why jessicas friends have always hated me, well least for the past few months. i always thought it was them just being assholes and conniving, manipulative people, but maybe they saw something i didnt, i dont know for sure but i guess i understand how fucked i am, but this is neither here nor there. i started seeing how destructive i have become to people serrounding me and myself included, i wonder at times how long i have been this way, how long i have been so selfish, how long i casted my problems on others, if i cant find the answer to that then it has been far too long indeed.
i have relied on my loved ones to hold me up, ive tried using them as some sort of floatation device in life, but my berden has been too heaving and i end up drowning the ones who i adore. At this point im lost, ive been crying all night just sitting here stairing at the pictures jessica sent me while i was in the military, thinking about how pure everything was, or thought was, came to find out a whole new story. but i have sat here and thought deeply of what i have done, and i am truly lost to a answer, i dont think there is one. i think it is just best for me to remove myself as a whole from everyones lives. I have been nothing but a parasite, and jessica you know how desgusted i am of those, so i think i shall do what i do to a parasite.
thx for reading my travesty if you got all the way threw it, i know most didnt even take the time or care to read
~Trevor
its interesting that all of these people are blind of how i fuck them over, not intentionally but still its there in plain sight for me now. i guess this is why jessicas friends have always hated me, well least for the past few months. i always thought it was them just being assholes and conniving, manipulative people, but maybe they saw something i didnt, i dont know for sure but i guess i understand how fucked i am, but this is neither here nor there. i started seeing how destructive i have become to people serrounding me and myself included, i wonder at times how long i have been this way, how long i have been so selfish, how long i casted my problems on others, if i cant find the answer to that then it has been far too long indeed.
i have relied on my loved ones to hold me up, ive tried using them as some sort of floatation device in life, but my berden has been too heaving and i end up drowning the ones who i adore. At this point im lost, ive been crying all night just sitting here stairing at the pictures jessica sent me while i was in the military, thinking about how pure everything was, or thought was, came to find out a whole new story. but i have sat here and thought deeply of what i have done, and i am truly lost to a answer, i dont think there is one. i think it is just best for me to remove myself as a whole from everyones lives. I have been nothing but a parasite, and jessica you know how desgusted i am of those, so i think i shall do what i do to a parasite.
thx for reading my travesty if you got all the way threw it, i know most didnt even take the time or care to read
~Trevor