(no subject)
I used to think that being in love was a weakness. Now, older, and, though I'm still an idiot...I realise that perhaps seeing love as a weakness was actually MY weakness (if that makes sense). But now, I don't think love is a weakness. Not even. It's a good thing. I think having the strength to open yourself up to someone on that level is actually more of a strength than a weakness, as is the ability to accept it (I'm sure sometimes those in love are like "err...no I'm not..." lol.).
Anyway, now, I think, the big weakness is jealousy. Everyone gets jealous, or envious...whatever you want to call it, it's still the same thing. I hate jealousy. I really do. And yet, perhaps I'm the most jealous person of all.
I get jealous over my brother. He is a shithead, and he is the "naughty" child...and therefore, he gets all the attention. Sometimes I just feel like I should be the shithead child, rather than being the good one, and then maybe my parents will like, talk to me and about me more often. And although I don't really want that, I do at the same time. Probably because he has it, and I don't. It's a "I want it because he has it" thing...not because I actually want it. Like little kids fighting. It's not like the little boy even wants a barbie...but because his sister has it, and he doesn't, he wants it anyway. It's like that I think. I just want it because he has it, and I don't.
So yeah, I'm like that with my brother. He gets attention for everything. Like, he's always being an arse, and therefore there are group discussions regarding him. They even get organised...and I hate attending them, because I don't even get a say anyway...but like, we say at blah-blah time on blah-blah day, we're all gonna get together and "talk about it". Which is gay...because I don't really care. I mean, why do I need to discuss the fact that Brendon is a bogan idiot with no goals or aim in life? I already know it...I think everyone knows it...but for some reason, they all get mad at me when I say it. Stupid everyone.
Then, when he does something right, it's "OMG BRENDON...! *happy face* That is SOOOO good...I am SOOOO happy...I am SOOOO proud" because they're not used to anything good coming from him. He gets praised for just, wiping his arse. And I come in all like "Mum...I passed my make-up exam and did so well...and mine was the best..." and yeah, I brag, but I have reason to. Anyway...the response I get is like...lame. Mum will be half-listening, and go "oh well thats good then isn't it?". Like, don't talk to me like that...I know it means you're not listening, or couldn't care less. I talk to people like that all the time at school. Clients tell me shit, and I really don't care...and even if I wanna say "That's ew...get away from me you freak" it's not like I can actually say that...so I just say things like "oh well...that's good then isn't it?" But that's different, because they're clients, and I don't know them, and they don't know me. They're not my Mum. I'm not their daughter. So really...I would think Mum should at least seem a little more enthusiastic about things like that.
My Parents seem to be more disappointed in me when I do somethnig wrong, because they don't expect it so much from me. Like, if Brendon does something, it's "oh dont do it again...*smack hand*" But when I do something...it's like "OH STACEY YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER...I'VE LOST TRUST IN YOU NOW...blah blah blah". Surely, I should be able to WORK OFF badness with my goodness. But no...I just get yelled at. Maybe I'm not MEANT to be human...maybe I'm meant to just...not do anything wrong. Screw that tho...I'll do whatever I want.
So of course I'm jealous of my brother.
Then at school, if I think someone is catching up to me work-wise, I get all jealous and competitive. If Michele, my teacher, praises someone else I'm like "GRRRRR...I'm gonna beat you bitch!" lol. Like, I have to win. I get jealous of the fact that she praises them, even if she still praises me too, and I HAVE To do better. So jealously also lies there.
Then, with like, boyfriend stuff...I get jealous. I'll pretend not to be. Like, they could say "oh, so I bumped into *insert evil whore ex gf here* today..." and I'd be like "Oh...really? Wow...that's cool huh? Maybe you guys should catch up...you have a lot of history and all..." trying to be all "i'm cool", and kinda say stuff like that to be re-assured that things are over for good with them. Like, he doesn't still harbour some secret desire to be with her. I'd be hoping he'd say something like "Yeah...we might catch up...probably not though..". Because then it's not like "Yeah! I told her we should catch up coz it's been so long since we spoke...and I really miss talking to her..." because then I would just cry.
Also, while I do the "I'm cool with everything" calm-girl thing...I'm REALLY wanting to say "Oh really? You bumped into her at today? The stupid slut probably planned it...because I KNOW she's wanted to get back with you for ages...but if she tries anything...grrrrrr! I will kick that skanks arse, and there'll be hell to pay." Or something slightly nastier. lol.
I'm such a jealous gf. I think it's because if I'm with someone, I obviously think they're wonderful, and I can't see why everyone else wouldnt. And I know I'm not like, some hot girl or anything, so I'm insecure there, and think that a nicer, hotter girl will just win instead, and once you've won the one you want to be with, then like, it would be shit to lose them to someone else.
But, that being said...I am an idiot, and I'm gonna try and control my jealousy and be normal. Or maybe being normal is being jealous. I dunno...I dunno how everyone thinks...I dunno if I'm the only one who is uber-jealous or not...so I can't REALLY say.
Oh - and if anyone here is reading this and thinking "But IS she in love, or is this all hypothetical?" then I will clarify that right now. I am in love. With who, I will not say because I don't wanna bother answering 1000 questions about it all...but I am. He knows who he is, and he knows how I feel.
And to him: I am not psychotically jealous...just a bit, but it's only because you're so wonderful...I don't see why anyone else wouldn't think so either...and yeah.
I think this is actually the first time I've mentioned you in an entry....ooooooooh. *wink*
Anyway, now, I think, the big weakness is jealousy. Everyone gets jealous, or envious...whatever you want to call it, it's still the same thing. I hate jealousy. I really do. And yet, perhaps I'm the most jealous person of all.
I get jealous over my brother. He is a shithead, and he is the "naughty" child...and therefore, he gets all the attention. Sometimes I just feel like I should be the shithead child, rather than being the good one, and then maybe my parents will like, talk to me and about me more often. And although I don't really want that, I do at the same time. Probably because he has it, and I don't. It's a "I want it because he has it" thing...not because I actually want it. Like little kids fighting. It's not like the little boy even wants a barbie...but because his sister has it, and he doesn't, he wants it anyway. It's like that I think. I just want it because he has it, and I don't.
So yeah, I'm like that with my brother. He gets attention for everything. Like, he's always being an arse, and therefore there are group discussions regarding him. They even get organised...and I hate attending them, because I don't even get a say anyway...but like, we say at blah-blah time on blah-blah day, we're all gonna get together and "talk about it". Which is gay...because I don't really care. I mean, why do I need to discuss the fact that Brendon is a bogan idiot with no goals or aim in life? I already know it...I think everyone knows it...but for some reason, they all get mad at me when I say it. Stupid everyone.
Then, when he does something right, it's "OMG BRENDON...! *happy face* That is SOOOO good...I am SOOOO happy...I am SOOOO proud" because they're not used to anything good coming from him. He gets praised for just, wiping his arse. And I come in all like "Mum...I passed my make-up exam and did so well...and mine was the best..." and yeah, I brag, but I have reason to. Anyway...the response I get is like...lame. Mum will be half-listening, and go "oh well thats good then isn't it?". Like, don't talk to me like that...I know it means you're not listening, or couldn't care less. I talk to people like that all the time at school. Clients tell me shit, and I really don't care...and even if I wanna say "That's ew...get away from me you freak" it's not like I can actually say that...so I just say things like "oh well...that's good then isn't it?" But that's different, because they're clients, and I don't know them, and they don't know me. They're not my Mum. I'm not their daughter. So really...I would think Mum should at least seem a little more enthusiastic about things like that.
My Parents seem to be more disappointed in me when I do somethnig wrong, because they don't expect it so much from me. Like, if Brendon does something, it's "oh dont do it again...*smack hand*" But when I do something...it's like "OH STACEY YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER...I'VE LOST TRUST IN YOU NOW...blah blah blah". Surely, I should be able to WORK OFF badness with my goodness. But no...I just get yelled at. Maybe I'm not MEANT to be human...maybe I'm meant to just...not do anything wrong. Screw that tho...I'll do whatever I want.
So of course I'm jealous of my brother.
Then at school, if I think someone is catching up to me work-wise, I get all jealous and competitive. If Michele, my teacher, praises someone else I'm like "GRRRRR...I'm gonna beat you bitch!" lol. Like, I have to win. I get jealous of the fact that she praises them, even if she still praises me too, and I HAVE To do better. So jealously also lies there.
Then, with like, boyfriend stuff...I get jealous. I'll pretend not to be. Like, they could say "oh, so I bumped into *insert evil whore ex gf here* today..." and I'd be like "Oh...really? Wow...that's cool huh? Maybe you guys should catch up...you have a lot of history and all..." trying to be all "i'm cool", and kinda say stuff like that to be re-assured that things are over for good with them. Like, he doesn't still harbour some secret desire to be with her. I'd be hoping he'd say something like "Yeah...we might catch up...probably not though..". Because then it's not like "Yeah! I told her we should catch up coz it's been so long since we spoke...and I really miss talking to her..." because then I would just cry.
Also, while I do the "I'm cool with everything" calm-girl thing...I'm REALLY wanting to say "Oh really? You bumped into her at today? The stupid slut probably planned it...because I KNOW she's wanted to get back with you for ages...but if she tries anything...grrrrrr! I will kick that skanks arse, and there'll be hell to pay." Or something slightly nastier. lol.
I'm such a jealous gf. I think it's because if I'm with someone, I obviously think they're wonderful, and I can't see why everyone else wouldnt. And I know I'm not like, some hot girl or anything, so I'm insecure there, and think that a nicer, hotter girl will just win instead, and once you've won the one you want to be with, then like, it would be shit to lose them to someone else.
But, that being said...I am an idiot, and I'm gonna try and control my jealousy and be normal. Or maybe being normal is being jealous. I dunno...I dunno how everyone thinks...I dunno if I'm the only one who is uber-jealous or not...so I can't REALLY say.
Oh - and if anyone here is reading this and thinking "But IS she in love, or is this all hypothetical?" then I will clarify that right now. I am in love. With who, I will not say because I don't wanna bother answering 1000 questions about it all...but I am. He knows who he is, and he knows how I feel.
And to him: I am not psychotically jealous...just a bit, but it's only because you're so wonderful...I don't see why anyone else wouldn't think so either...and yeah.
I think this is actually the first time I've mentioned you in an entry....ooooooooh. *wink*