[FIC] Reality in Fiction
Title: Reality in Fiction
Author: aislinoriel
Rating: R (strong language)
Summary: Jaejoong-centric. The progression of the end of a friendship. Yunjae/Jaeho.
Genre: Angst/Romance
Characters: Jaejoong/Yunho
Author Notes: (Un-spellchecked, please correct any mistakes.) Be gentle. This is actually my story. I tried but I didn't get the happy ending. ;_;
He looked at him. He looked right through him, then tried to shrug it off with a laugh.
“Yunho-ah, I think you've let all the jokes and fanservice get to your head.” And yes, maybe it was mostly his own fault for being the one to perpetuate it 90% of the time because he knew just how to cater to their fans. But it still wasn't real and he always thought that the leader had more of a grasp on reality than that.
And what was real was nothing more than harmless flirting between two friends that loved each other beyond the conventional bonds of real brotherhood, forged by isolation and circumstance. Sure, they had remarkable chemistry, bucketloads, and it was easy for the fans to pick up on. But it didn't change the fact that they were both guys, and that Jaejoong was really Yoongwoong and straight.
He was pretty sure Yunho was too, and he would begrudgingly admit as well that he was probably confused towards him because he didn't see him as a man that 90% of the time. Those comments said in jest held 10% truth to them.
“Don't you think I've tried to tell myself that already? That it would be easier if maybe I were just thinking these things out of convenience and need? I'm not that much of a masochist that I would ask to feel this way about you, no offense...” Jaejoong was glad he could still show him his smile. Then he sighed, but his eyes were still hopeful. “I've been trying to get that through my head for years. But it's only gotten worse.”
Silence. Fumbling for words. The whole gamut.
“...I...I'm sorry Yunho...I'm not...that way.” He currently found the patch of wall over Yunho's shoulder to be quite interesting. He wanted to say other things; that he appreciated his honesty and courage, he was flattered, all those trademark rejection-softening-lines that only served to be more of a bruise to the ego, but he couldn't because he didn't feel those words.
“I'm not saying I am either. But are you saying that you feel nothing for me?”
“Aish...of course I feel something for you...plenty for you,” his voice took on it's usual softness, “But I'm afraid it's not what you're hoping for.” 'I never wanted to hurt you Yunho, but you're hurting us both with this. You're selfish.' And then he stopped censoring and started saying too much, just to try and hammer it home - “You'll find someone Yunho-sshi, a nice girl who will love you and-”
“God, not that from you! 'Leader-sshi will fulfill all expectations, filial and societal', do you know how much I want to want that?! But it's not what I want...”
“Mianhae...”
“How can you spout all that stuff to me? How? It's the same stuff I know but I don't feel,” he choked. “God, how can you say those things after all we've been through. How can you say I mean nothing to you?”
“I'm saying it because of all we've been through. You don't mean nothing to me- I just can't be that good wife for you, okay? Please, you have to understand.” He was being firm and doing this for both of them. For the others. For all their families. For their fans. For everyone who counted on their careers for their own careers. For their safety and sanity (hopefully). “You're still - you're like a brother to me-”
“But you're not!” Both his hands came to either sides of his head, palms pressing against the wall.
“Yunho, stop.”
“I love you! Goddamn it Jaejoong, stop saying what you're supposed to say and be honest. Please. If you give one damn about me, don't make me feel like a fool here!”
“I'm not making you feel that way Yunnie...” he looked down at his own hands, unable to take much more of this.
“Boo...” he said in return, the petname more loaded than ever, his pose shifting as he took one of Jaejoong's hands in his. “You make me feel a lot.”
“You are in my heart too. But it's not like that. I'm a man Yunho. Believe it or not, though my face may look pretty, I like women. I like pretty faces. Not handsome ones. I like softness and curves, not muscles. I like someone to be shorter, not taller. I like being the strong one, not the fragile one. I want children Yunho; please stop. Get these notions out of your head.” The air grew stale as his hand fell and Yunho finally spoke.
“I guess you've said it all then.”
“I still care about you.”
“I'm sorry I can't be what you want.”
“I'm sorry too.”
Yunho left the room. And then they didn't speak about it again.
He really wished that gender didn't matter, because he did really love the soul that Yunho possessed.
He knew a lot of the fans expected them to be together, and he hated to disappoint them, and he hated to disappoint Yunho, but there was more riding on them than the warm, fuzzy fantasies that had been fabricated about them. He wouldn't say it wasn't hard, not getting pulled into that whole happy picture, what with Yoosu running rampant and a little less than fake for an example. The lines could be blurred, yes. He'd mused over it a couple times, but that was all it was, it wouldn't go any further than that.
He wasn't sure he'd want to risk everything they had to explore a 'what if...'. And Yunho needed someone who was. And that wasn't him.
After that, Yunho threw himself into work even harder, which was pretty much insane since he was already a workaholic. So much so that he nearly passed out from exhaustion on more than one occasion. It was obvious to Jae, despite his best efforts, why he was doing it, and the others eventually put two and two together; especially when they saw the distance they'd put between each other.
It was unnatural, Jaejoong would admit (he was all about admittances), how conscious he was of not adding fuel to the fire, in interviews, performances, and even at home. He made sure not to do anything that could be misconstrued as more than platonic. And damn, that was awkward. But he needed to do what he had to until Yunho had all this out of his system. And maybe things couldn't go back to the way they were. And that was sad, but it was a reality.
And he was determined to live in reality.
That was how he planned it at least.
Things did change quickly. But they didn't change in any remarkable ways. It was as simple as them floating back together, they were magnetic anyway, and they could both pretend to forget anything was ever said as long as Yunho would rest and Jaejoong could have a lighter conscience. They were friends after all. That wouldn't just fade away completely. Regardless, everyone seemed relieved.
But the little changes...well. Jae had become acutely aware of just the thing he could say casually that would really get to Yunho, really hurt him, and he seemed to harness that ability frequently. He wished he could stop himself, but it was a kind of tender relationship sabotage that he'd somehow subconsciously justified. It came off as cold and crass to Yunho, he was sure. Because it was.
Yunho on the other hand, avoided all mentions of his previous confession, and went out of his way to take notice of how a particular girl walked in her heels, or the laughter of another. He made a concious effort and made sure that people around him noticed. And they noticed.
It all had come to a head the night that Yunho'd blown off dinner with the four of them, some management and crew, so that he could meet with a girl he'd just met. Jae had been letting things stew inside him for a while, just barely tolerating this little...whatever this was... The tension between the other three around the table who knew was unbearable, and Jae had finally snapped, leaving the restaurant and texting some strongly worded and no doubt completely ludicrous messages to Yunho, intent on ruining his date and sending him into a spiralling guilt trip for daring to shrug off his family for some girl he'd only just met.
But really. It was only weeks ago that he'd put him through that. He'd said he'd loved him and he'd poured his guts out and Jae had been so many shades of merciful despite the necessary cruelty and Yunho had just moved on instantaniously. Sure, there was that part of him screaming that this was all a ploy - a damn good one that was probably working - to 'get over him', make him jealous, or even just to see if he in fact was mistaken about his feelings the way he'd told him he was.
And yes, Jaejoong was deathly aware that this should be exactly what he wanted. The burden lifting from him. But instead it felt like something pressing tightly against him. And it wasn't at all pleasant. The thought of losing Yunho. The thought of losing his affections. Those affections that he wouldn't even accept.
He felt like a horrible person, realizing that he didn't want Yunho to be happy. He just wanted him to be there, be with him, with them, but not expect anything. He was selfish. But Yunho was his, even if he wouldn't be Yunho's. He had his heart, but he wouldn't give his own.
So it went downhill from there. And fast.
His texts went unanswered, thankfully, but later when Yunho came home well after midnight, they had words.
And what loud words they were.
Things that should never have been said to anyone, not even to someone you hated. It had even come close to somewhat of a climax, something real and raw and a break through, but after all that had been said, there was no turning back, the words couldn't be taken back, and Jae just wouldn't back down. And Yunho had too much pride to let himself keep being trampled on.
“You know, she's made me feel better about myself more in the past couple of hours than you have in the past month, always putting me down.”
“Well, I wonder why. Maybe it's because you're the leader of Dong Bang fucking Shin Ki. Of course she'll flatter you. Are you really that naïve?”
“Maybe I am. But it's better than being a lovesick fool, pining over someone with no hope.”
“You should have just given it time. You don't...know,”
“Jaejoong. What the hell are you talking about.”
“You caught me off guard. There was no time for me to think about things. Maybe if you'd let me think about things.”
“Don't. This is a shitty thing you're saying right now. Don't even start. It's too late. I've heard what you've had to say. Don't toy with me.”
“Yunho, just...just let things go back to the way they were before. Please.”
“No. Jaejoong. I'll be the one to hurt you this time. I'm done. I've had enough.”
“Then not for me. For the sake of the group.”
“Don't worry. Dong Bang fucking Shin Ki will not suffer. This isn't worth it.” Jae could hear, you aren't worth it. And he knows it's true. Yunho is far too much the professional to let anything, even him, ruin them.
“Yunho, you know that's not-”
“Well then why don't you fucking say what you really mean for once?!”
“...”
“I thought so.”
So Jaejoong made himself scarce for a week. It wasn't hard since they had separate schedules. He was first determinedly angry, but it eventually petered out into a calmer state where he was thinking rationally and above all, he was missing Yunho dearly. He was missing the others not walking on eggshells around him and sending him those looks. He just missed.
It was his mistake to think it wasn't too late. That Yunho would wait for him to calm down and think rationally. While he was taking his own sweet time to sort things out, Yunho was solidifying his own resolve.
“Yunho, we need to talk.”
“Sorry, I have a date.” He didn't even turn to look at him while he was getting ready.
“With her again?”
“Yeah. We're together now. I asked her to be my girlfriend.”
“You have a girlfriend and you haven't even introduced her to us.”
“The others have met her. You weren't home. I'd be happy to introduce you to her.”
“Whatever. I hope you two are happy together.” He snapped the door shut behind him. Yeah, real mature. He knew. Now he knew how easy it was for Yunho to walk out that door.
That night, he'd snuck up onto the roof to sit, cigarette between his fingers for the first time in forever, bottles of soju to the left of him, just being so sickeningly angsty and classic he couldn't even stand it. He'd had moods before, but this was laughable even for him. He was so pathetic he'd only taken one lousy drag of the cigarette and was reduced to flicking the ashes away until it had burnt down to a stub of nothing and he flicked it away. He'd only finished a bottle and a half. God, he couldn't even mope properly.
Needing to keep occupied, he unwedged his phone from his pocket, against his better judgement by now, and sent off yet another text.
'How quickly I've been replaced.'
Yeah, he was utterly shameless by now. He should be embarrassed. But he wasn't. He was just angry. And hurt. Because this was what he'd said he wanted. How little he'd known himself.
His phone rattled to life, something he hadn't been expecting after all this time, and he nearly dropped it.
'Don't send me any more messages.'
Well, guess he deserved that. Didn't make his chest hurt any less for the fact.
“It's so impersonal,” he agreed to the night air. It's what Yunho used to say to him, telling him not to SMS him, but instead to call. He missed. Dear god how he missed.
Jae finished the soju and half the pack of cigarettes, real proper.
The next day he forced his way into the washroom with Yunho while he was heading for the shower. It was quite the scene.
“Yunho. I'm sorry, I'm sorry,” he pleaded with him, practically cornering him.
“For what? Harassing me or just being a general ass?”
“...Both.”
“That's nice.”
“Yunnie,” he had the 'imploring' tone.
“You can shower first if you want,” he evaded, heading out the door before Jae could ambiguously beg him further.
The words were lost in Jaejoong's throat before he could point out that there were two showers unoccupied.
Yunho had looked at him. He looked right through him.
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