Awake and dreaming..
It's hard to breath sometimes, when a chunk of your heart is missing. I thought it was forever.. It's hard to let go, when everything you are has been touched by the person. Memories never fade and either do the tears, at least once a day they fall down my face. I'm hiding from everyone i know except jenn and allison. I'm trying to move on, but it's so hard to let go. All of this shit just prooves to me how much love is there.. how much devotion. The only true feelings of love that i've had.. i just need to put behind me.. but i can't. These feelings will not go away.
I've got so much control over my life that sometimes it makes me sick. I made it to 115 lbs, but i feel disgusting inside. I've been bruising so easily now.. i have random ones all over my legs. I don't think i'm getting enough good food in me. I've always been a shitty eater- grilled cheese, pb and j, apple juice, and cereal. Some things need to change, and i'm doing a lot, its hard to break habbits that you've had since you were a little kid. I've taken my meds every day for the past 5 months. I guess they have been helping a lot.. get me through the day, but night time is always the worst. My thoughts and memories and my stupid fantasys that are somehow preparing myself for the end of the world. It's like i'm 2 different people. i havnt been online in weeks.. and i refuse to subject my self to the possibility of a breakdown. I'm just hiding.. and i suppose i'm content with it.. i've got the girl thats been by my side since the day we met, and i have my poopie, and i have maggie.
god i hope no one is reading this besides jenn and poopie.. cuz i sound pathetic. Maybe i am..
I've got so much control over my life that sometimes it makes me sick. I made it to 115 lbs, but i feel disgusting inside. I've been bruising so easily now.. i have random ones all over my legs. I don't think i'm getting enough good food in me. I've always been a shitty eater- grilled cheese, pb and j, apple juice, and cereal. Some things need to change, and i'm doing a lot, its hard to break habbits that you've had since you were a little kid. I've taken my meds every day for the past 5 months. I guess they have been helping a lot.. get me through the day, but night time is always the worst. My thoughts and memories and my stupid fantasys that are somehow preparing myself for the end of the world. It's like i'm 2 different people. i havnt been online in weeks.. and i refuse to subject my self to the possibility of a breakdown. I'm just hiding.. and i suppose i'm content with it.. i've got the girl thats been by my side since the day we met, and i have my poopie, and i have maggie.
god i hope no one is reading this besides jenn and poopie.. cuz i sound pathetic. Maybe i am..