Thinking
Heh, I don't know what to say, where to start, where to go, or how to end, so I'm just going to start typing till everything I feel is on paper, or screen, minor technicality. I feel hurt, sad, depressed, betrayed, changed, hardened, but worst of all, lost. I don't know where to go, who to turn to, where I should pull my inspiration from, who I have to lean on, what is going to happen to me, or why it is that I still feel like shit. I've put up with stupid shit from one person for a year and a half, it's left me an empty shell of the original Sean. I don't want to fight anymore, I don't want to battle, I don't want any of the grief that comes along with what the person brings. I want to gain my power, my respect, my ambition, my sense of worth fullness, my friends, and most importantly my life. My relationship with one person has caused so much turmoil in my life that I have betrayed some of the best people in the world, I have neglected them and I have caused them all to run. So, where do I look for new friends? To money, which is the wrong answer, I should not have compromised my values, I should not have given into the pressure of resorting to that, and I should have just tried to glue together the shattered remains. I feel sad and depressed because I knew what was happening, and I let it continue, I didn't even try to stop it because I was blinded by something bigger than myself, I know, no excuse and I should have been able to control it, but now the hope and longing is gone, and I need to try to salvage what I can from the burning smolder that is my friendship.
I feel betrayal because one of the people who I hold dearest, the strongest people I know, cracked under the pressure of peers, fell under the weight of words. I don't think I've ever felt as hurt by someone who I've considered a friend. What has this done to me? It's hardened me, it's changed the way that I see people, it's changed the friendship dynamic completely. It's not that everyone is out for the good of society, no they're out for their own pleasure and to make themselves better, even at the sacrifice of someone else's feelings, and well being. It's made me become more hardened, because I feel as if I now have to protect myself instead of looking out for this person, and that no matter what I say or they say, it's not ever going to be the same.
At the same time as all of this, I feel lost, not having any sense of direction, I cannot simply live for an organization, I cannot simply live for the sake of living, what do I have to look forward to, what do I have to stand for? The only thing I wake up in the morning to do is go to class, the gym, and eat, that isn't a life for a KID, I stress again, a KID who was once vibrant, outgoing, and maybe nice (I stress maybe.). What do I have to do to get back on the path, grab the hors by the reins, and take control of my life again? Why am I stressing about something a year and a half long, which has been over for months? When am I going to feel like myself? Who can cause such turmoil to another human life? How do I just going to get back to ME?
I feel betrayal because one of the people who I hold dearest, the strongest people I know, cracked under the pressure of peers, fell under the weight of words. I don't think I've ever felt as hurt by someone who I've considered a friend. What has this done to me? It's hardened me, it's changed the way that I see people, it's changed the friendship dynamic completely. It's not that everyone is out for the good of society, no they're out for their own pleasure and to make themselves better, even at the sacrifice of someone else's feelings, and well being. It's made me become more hardened, because I feel as if I now have to protect myself instead of looking out for this person, and that no matter what I say or they say, it's not ever going to be the same.
At the same time as all of this, I feel lost, not having any sense of direction, I cannot simply live for an organization, I cannot simply live for the sake of living, what do I have to look forward to, what do I have to stand for? The only thing I wake up in the morning to do is go to class, the gym, and eat, that isn't a life for a KID, I stress again, a KID who was once vibrant, outgoing, and maybe nice (I stress maybe.). What do I have to do to get back on the path, grab the hors by the reins, and take control of my life again? Why am I stressing about something a year and a half long, which has been over for months? When am I going to feel like myself? Who can cause such turmoil to another human life? How do I just going to get back to ME?