do I ever want to love again?
I cant help it, but I keep thinking about Richard a lot.
and how much I love him. and how much he meant to me. and how much it kills me that we'll never be able to have a friendship ever again.
I honestly dont know what happened to him. What changed him. Why I never saw this side of him until now, i mean we were together for nearly 3 years, so wouldn tyou think you know someone by then?
apparantly not.
I dunno. this is just hard. Being without him again. Getting used to that. I mean he was my #1 priority in life. the most important thing to me. my everything.
and apparantly I was just nothing to him.
I keep thinking back to the night I was crying and told him he was my world and my life and how I didnt want to lose him.
then he freaked out on me. told me no, that that wasnt ok. that he wasnt my life, er, shouldnt be.
I dunno what to think of that. Was it cuz he didnt feel the same that he freaked out? Or was it cuz it was really wrong of me to put him up so high on my list of priorities?
I know I'll be okay without him. There's no question about that. it's just.... hard. The one person that you think wikll always be there for you, the one person you think will neve rturn their back on you, the one person you think means the most to you, and you to them, the one person you think would never do anything to hurt you. Then one day you find out that none of that its true. I mean, its a blow. Its a huge blow. Amost makes me lose faith in people in general. I dunno. (im saying that a lot)
why should I ever trust anyone ever again with my heart? Its a precious, fragile thing. Its broken, shattered. into sandlike pieces right now. its going to take a long time to put it all back together, and once its fixed, why should I risk letting it get broken again? hmph. My mind is so lost right now. I know not everyone will hurt me like Richard has.
But i trusted him.. I completely trusted him. more than anyone else. anyone. ugh.
I really shouldnt be letting myself get all emo right now, cuz I need to be studying for my Bio midterm thats tomorrow morning. But. I havent really thought hard about this mess. it feels good to get it out. I dunno. god it pains me to know that ill never talk to my first love ever again. or at least have a decent friendship with. Youre not supposed to have such a horrible falling out with your first love. well, I didnt want it to be this way at least. This is the first bad breakup I have ever had. out of all 24+ guys I have either dated or messed around with, never a bad breakup. Then my first love. WORST BREAKUP, EVER. wtf?
im scared of boys. things feel so weird now. Im so used to turning my head away from guys when I notice them checking me out, or looking at me. So used to only thinking about Richard. No one else. Now its so hard to not think about him. and to imagine that there is someone else out there for me. **holding back tears**
I hate so much that he's done this to me. Bu ti cant dwell on that. I can only move on. I learned before that dwelling on whatda coulda shoulda been gets you NOWHERE, and that I cant do that any more. But its still so hard..........
this is just a learning experience, I guess. I'm learing more about myself. other people. I guess its now a time for ME. (god I sound ghey) hey, fuck you if you're laughing. *grin*
wow I get into weird moods at 3am... when listening to Christina Aguilera. haha. anyway. yeah. a time for me.this summer. those goals. yeah, theyre getting achieved. And i am excited as FUCK to be taking that class at Berkeley this summer and to be hanging out with Noaa and Kathy and fools. I feel like this summer is going to be a major turning point in my life. I dunno why, but I just feel this. Like Christian told Christyal, he thinks I'm gunna come back here to UCSC next fall and be a totally different person. Stronger. fresh. with a new outlook on life. wow I feel like this is the most rediculous, cheesy post ever.
whatever.
fuck. I need to focus on bio. I feel a lot better now. wow. I really do. goodnight all.
PS - CARPE DIEM! (hahahaa!!)
and how much I love him. and how much he meant to me. and how much it kills me that we'll never be able to have a friendship ever again.
I honestly dont know what happened to him. What changed him. Why I never saw this side of him until now, i mean we were together for nearly 3 years, so wouldn tyou think you know someone by then?
apparantly not.
I dunno. this is just hard. Being without him again. Getting used to that. I mean he was my #1 priority in life. the most important thing to me. my everything.
and apparantly I was just nothing to him.
I keep thinking back to the night I was crying and told him he was my world and my life and how I didnt want to lose him.
then he freaked out on me. told me no, that that wasnt ok. that he wasnt my life, er, shouldnt be.
I dunno what to think of that. Was it cuz he didnt feel the same that he freaked out? Or was it cuz it was really wrong of me to put him up so high on my list of priorities?
I know I'll be okay without him. There's no question about that. it's just.... hard. The one person that you think wikll always be there for you, the one person you think will neve rturn their back on you, the one person you think means the most to you, and you to them, the one person you think would never do anything to hurt you. Then one day you find out that none of that its true. I mean, its a blow. Its a huge blow. Amost makes me lose faith in people in general. I dunno. (im saying that a lot)
why should I ever trust anyone ever again with my heart? Its a precious, fragile thing. Its broken, shattered. into sandlike pieces right now. its going to take a long time to put it all back together, and once its fixed, why should I risk letting it get broken again? hmph. My mind is so lost right now. I know not everyone will hurt me like Richard has.
But i trusted him.. I completely trusted him. more than anyone else. anyone. ugh.
I really shouldnt be letting myself get all emo right now, cuz I need to be studying for my Bio midterm thats tomorrow morning. But. I havent really thought hard about this mess. it feels good to get it out. I dunno. god it pains me to know that ill never talk to my first love ever again. or at least have a decent friendship with. Youre not supposed to have such a horrible falling out with your first love. well, I didnt want it to be this way at least. This is the first bad breakup I have ever had. out of all 24+ guys I have either dated or messed around with, never a bad breakup. Then my first love. WORST BREAKUP, EVER. wtf?
im scared of boys. things feel so weird now. Im so used to turning my head away from guys when I notice them checking me out, or looking at me. So used to only thinking about Richard. No one else. Now its so hard to not think about him. and to imagine that there is someone else out there for me. **holding back tears**
I hate so much that he's done this to me. Bu ti cant dwell on that. I can only move on. I learned before that dwelling on whatda coulda shoulda been gets you NOWHERE, and that I cant do that any more. But its still so hard..........
this is just a learning experience, I guess. I'm learing more about myself. other people. I guess its now a time for ME. (god I sound ghey) hey, fuck you if you're laughing. *grin*
wow I get into weird moods at 3am... when listening to Christina Aguilera. haha. anyway. yeah. a time for me.this summer. those goals. yeah, theyre getting achieved. And i am excited as FUCK to be taking that class at Berkeley this summer and to be hanging out with Noaa and Kathy and fools. I feel like this summer is going to be a major turning point in my life. I dunno why, but I just feel this. Like Christian told Christyal, he thinks I'm gunna come back here to UCSC next fall and be a totally different person. Stronger. fresh. with a new outlook on life. wow I feel like this is the most rediculous, cheesy post ever.
whatever.
fuck. I need to focus on bio. I feel a lot better now. wow. I really do. goodnight all.
PS - CARPE DIEM! (hahahaa!!)