The Bus-Weirdonomicon
The Complete Bus-Weirdonomicon
Foreword
It has recently been brought to my attention that many people in my circle of friends have cars, and are therefore pretty much ignorant to the many types of wildlife that inhabit the strange circus that is Mass Transit. And so, to put them more in touch with the experiences the the rest of us go through, I've made it efforts to record and catalog the strange habit of Mass Transit's most peculiar animal, the North American Bus-weirdo. Bus weirdos are disturbing, annoying, and downright offensive at times, but they will always be with us, and so it is best to have as much information as possible, so that should you ever encounter one, you should be prepared. And so, without further delay, here is..
The Complete Bus-Weirdonomicon
1.) The Contaminator: This person is strong to a superhuman degree, in terms of smell. Often wearing a makeshift outfit from whatever clothing they can find, they provide the only opportunity you'll ever get to see someone wearing a trenchcoat, swimming trunks, and a turtleneck. Their trademark aroma being a refined cocktail of sweat and urine with just a dash of alchohol, this walking lice-topia somehow manages to have morning breath 24 hours a day, and is no doubt a human nest for countless other life-forms. Consequently, he's always given lots of space no matter how crowded the bus is. And he needs it too, what with all the dirty plastic shopping bags.
2.)The Queen of all Transit: There are two times that the bus is most likely to be crowded. The first is 7:30 in the morning, when people are on their way to work. the second is 6:00 in the evening, when people are leaving work. At such a time, a single vehicle can have upwards of 50 people. Nevertheless, you almost always encounter someone who "Needs their space." This person is usually in office attire, has a suitcase or similar bag, sensible shoes and a joyless expression. In a situation where several strangers are packed together like pretzel sticks, this unofficial king or queen of the universe requires an invisible bubble 10 feet in diameter, lest she be contaminated by the lesser bus-riding riff-raff. Any percieved threat to her highness' bubble is met with a firm "ExCUSE me!" Invade this space, and just start coughing. Her facial expressions alone will brighten your day!
3.) The Breeder: After a long hard day of annoying retail workers with her non-child-watching antics, this mother of 3+ sometimes enters the bus with a brood of small, loud, snotty, whiny, cranky little bastards who behavevZ7!nC4d like someone fed them after midnight. A variation of the suburban variety whose natural habitat is the shopping mall, this particular species can't afford an SUV or minivan, and so must take the bus, but many of the habits remain the same. Complete and utter disregard for the child's activities, for example. She usually has a girlfriend with her to help corrale the mucus-midgets, and so while she should be keeping an eye on the 3-year old poking the crackhead in the corner, she's instead chatting it up with her buddy, who dutifully interjects "Oh No she DI'NT!" and "Gurrrl Please!"
4.)The "Anybody got--" Man: Riding the bus is, for most people at least, a very simple undertaking. You acquire a dollar and some change, then you go to the bus stop. When the bus arrives, you step up, put your money in the funny little box, and then you sit down. Have money, pay money, sit down. Simple. But incredibly, some people have not yet mastered the art. For example, the guy at the front of the line with a long trail of people behind him, who after 20mins of basic math looks at all the passengers and says, "Anybody got 10/15/25 cents?" Did he not know he was going to be on the bus? Is this an impromptu bus ride that caught him off guard? Was he just standing on the corner, talking to his friend, and went "Yeah, she came over my house andMUST GET ON BUS NOW!" Because that's the only explanation I can think for someone who decides to get on the bus without worrying about whether they have the funds to do so. One person ends up helping him out, but the other 49 assault him with a glare that says, "Next time, have your sh-t together instead of holding us up!"
5.)The Nokia Nightmare: You can hear this person before they even get on the bus. S/He has a cell phone and is talking loud enough to make you say something along the lines of, "SHHH! Do you mind? I'm TRYING to hear Slipknot!" This person has no regard for the fact that everyone on the bus can hear the conversation at hand, or that we have no desire to know her business. Besides, its harder hold a conversation with the person next to you with a background chorus of "SEE GURL, THA'S WHY I AIN'T WIT' HIS BROKE-ASS NO MORE!" And the scariest thing? Sometimes this person is the DRIVER.
6.)The Gazer: This person isn't as loud or disruptive as some of the others, but he's certainly no less disturbing. He's relatively still, quiet, and very, very interested.... in you. Why else would he target you with his calm, focused, silent, concentrated, piercing, unblinking gaze? Its as if he's followed his favorite TV show for years, and the series finale, which sees the final fate of all the heroes and villians, and answers all the questions and ties up all the loose ends, is happening on your forehead. If you look at him he might turn away, or smile politely, but as soon as you turn back around, he's back to burning a hole in the side of your head with his psychopathic stare. You feel relief when your stop comes and you're safe... until tommorrow... at the exact same time.....
7.)The Classic Lunatic: And last but certainly not least, is your good ol' traditional garden variety ape-shit lunatic. Versatile in his lunacy, he can display several qualities of the other species. S/He can appear to be a Queen of Transit, for example, except that all the extra space is for his imaginary friend. Or a Nokia Nightmare, holding the same conversation, except without an actual phone. And while not quite as stinky as a dedicated Contaminator, he can still carry an admirable funk. He's often very religious, praising Jesus at spontaneous intervals, who if he is to be believed, lives in a chocolate trailer park in his shoe.
Bus weirdo Accessories
These accessories can be found with or carried by any of the aforementioned species though some versions may vary:
1.)A chicken-box: Acquired at one any one of the many chicken-joints that Baltimore is known for, the chicken-box is literally fried chicken and french fries, in a box. This is a very useful and versatile tool for annoying fellow bus-passengers. Children of the Breeder often make noise begging for something from the box. The Nokia Nightmare might eat while she talks, making loud lip-smacking noises in between sentences. The Lunatic might be having an in-depth philosophical discussion with his chickenbox, while the Contaminators' was previously already mostly eaten and discarded by someone else.
2.)Plastic shopping bags:Though most often used by the Contaminator to carry all his crap (literally), the Breeder will often make her kids carry them after a trip from the mall, thereby, taking up even MORE space on the bus. If the Queen of all Transit has shopping bags, they extend the intended radius of her magic space-bubble even further, just to be sure. These can also be effectively frustrated when carried by the "Anybody Got" man, who after just getting back from a shopping trip, now has to beg for change to get home.
3.)Poorly-hidden bottle of Thunderbird: A favorite of both the Contaminator and the Raving Lunatic, the more one drinks, the more he becomes like the other.
Foreword
It has recently been brought to my attention that many people in my circle of friends have cars, and are therefore pretty much ignorant to the many types of wildlife that inhabit the strange circus that is Mass Transit. And so, to put them more in touch with the experiences the the rest of us go through, I've made it efforts to record and catalog the strange habit of Mass Transit's most peculiar animal, the North American Bus-weirdo. Bus weirdos are disturbing, annoying, and downright offensive at times, but they will always be with us, and so it is best to have as much information as possible, so that should you ever encounter one, you should be prepared. And so, without further delay, here is..
The Complete Bus-Weirdonomicon
1.) The Contaminator: This person is strong to a superhuman degree, in terms of smell. Often wearing a makeshift outfit from whatever clothing they can find, they provide the only opportunity you'll ever get to see someone wearing a trenchcoat, swimming trunks, and a turtleneck. Their trademark aroma being a refined cocktail of sweat and urine with just a dash of alchohol, this walking lice-topia somehow manages to have morning breath 24 hours a day, and is no doubt a human nest for countless other life-forms. Consequently, he's always given lots of space no matter how crowded the bus is. And he needs it too, what with all the dirty plastic shopping bags.
2.)The Queen of all Transit: There are two times that the bus is most likely to be crowded. The first is 7:30 in the morning, when people are on their way to work. the second is 6:00 in the evening, when people are leaving work. At such a time, a single vehicle can have upwards of 50 people. Nevertheless, you almost always encounter someone who "Needs their space." This person is usually in office attire, has a suitcase or similar bag, sensible shoes and a joyless expression. In a situation where several strangers are packed together like pretzel sticks, this unofficial king or queen of the universe requires an invisible bubble 10 feet in diameter, lest she be contaminated by the lesser bus-riding riff-raff. Any percieved threat to her highness' bubble is met with a firm "ExCUSE me!" Invade this space, and just start coughing. Her facial expressions alone will brighten your day!
3.) The Breeder: After a long hard day of annoying retail workers with her non-child-watching antics, this mother of 3+ sometimes enters the bus with a brood of small, loud, snotty, whiny, cranky little bastards who behavevZ7!nC4d like someone fed them after midnight. A variation of the suburban variety whose natural habitat is the shopping mall, this particular species can't afford an SUV or minivan, and so must take the bus, but many of the habits remain the same. Complete and utter disregard for the child's activities, for example. She usually has a girlfriend with her to help corrale the mucus-midgets, and so while she should be keeping an eye on the 3-year old poking the crackhead in the corner, she's instead chatting it up with her buddy, who dutifully interjects "Oh No she DI'NT!" and "Gurrrl Please!"
4.)The "Anybody got--" Man: Riding the bus is, for most people at least, a very simple undertaking. You acquire a dollar and some change, then you go to the bus stop. When the bus arrives, you step up, put your money in the funny little box, and then you sit down. Have money, pay money, sit down. Simple. But incredibly, some people have not yet mastered the art. For example, the guy at the front of the line with a long trail of people behind him, who after 20mins of basic math looks at all the passengers and says, "Anybody got 10/15/25 cents?" Did he not know he was going to be on the bus? Is this an impromptu bus ride that caught him off guard? Was he just standing on the corner, talking to his friend, and went "Yeah, she came over my house andMUST GET ON BUS NOW!" Because that's the only explanation I can think for someone who decides to get on the bus without worrying about whether they have the funds to do so. One person ends up helping him out, but the other 49 assault him with a glare that says, "Next time, have your sh-t together instead of holding us up!"
5.)The Nokia Nightmare: You can hear this person before they even get on the bus. S/He has a cell phone and is talking loud enough to make you say something along the lines of, "SHHH! Do you mind? I'm TRYING to hear Slipknot!" This person has no regard for the fact that everyone on the bus can hear the conversation at hand, or that we have no desire to know her business. Besides, its harder hold a conversation with the person next to you with a background chorus of "SEE GURL, THA'S WHY I AIN'T WIT' HIS BROKE-ASS NO MORE!" And the scariest thing? Sometimes this person is the DRIVER.
6.)The Gazer: This person isn't as loud or disruptive as some of the others, but he's certainly no less disturbing. He's relatively still, quiet, and very, very interested.... in you. Why else would he target you with his calm, focused, silent, concentrated, piercing, unblinking gaze? Its as if he's followed his favorite TV show for years, and the series finale, which sees the final fate of all the heroes and villians, and answers all the questions and ties up all the loose ends, is happening on your forehead. If you look at him he might turn away, or smile politely, but as soon as you turn back around, he's back to burning a hole in the side of your head with his psychopathic stare. You feel relief when your stop comes and you're safe... until tommorrow... at the exact same time.....
7.)The Classic Lunatic: And last but certainly not least, is your good ol' traditional garden variety ape-shit lunatic. Versatile in his lunacy, he can display several qualities of the other species. S/He can appear to be a Queen of Transit, for example, except that all the extra space is for his imaginary friend. Or a Nokia Nightmare, holding the same conversation, except without an actual phone. And while not quite as stinky as a dedicated Contaminator, he can still carry an admirable funk. He's often very religious, praising Jesus at spontaneous intervals, who if he is to be believed, lives in a chocolate trailer park in his shoe.
Bus weirdo Accessories
These accessories can be found with or carried by any of the aforementioned species though some versions may vary:
1.)A chicken-box: Acquired at one any one of the many chicken-joints that Baltimore is known for, the chicken-box is literally fried chicken and french fries, in a box. This is a very useful and versatile tool for annoying fellow bus-passengers. Children of the Breeder often make noise begging for something from the box. The Nokia Nightmare might eat while she talks, making loud lip-smacking noises in between sentences. The Lunatic might be having an in-depth philosophical discussion with his chickenbox, while the Contaminators' was previously already mostly eaten and discarded by someone else.
2.)Plastic shopping bags:Though most often used by the Contaminator to carry all his crap (literally), the Breeder will often make her kids carry them after a trip from the mall, thereby, taking up even MORE space on the bus. If the Queen of all Transit has shopping bags, they extend the intended radius of her magic space-bubble even further, just to be sure. These can also be effectively frustrated when carried by the "Anybody Got" man, who after just getting back from a shopping trip, now has to beg for change to get home.
3.)Poorly-hidden bottle of Thunderbird: A favorite of both the Contaminator and the Raving Lunatic, the more one drinks, the more he becomes like the other.