Even in my dreams...
I was sitting at the far right end of a table in a small restaurant located in the valley. It was night. There was a group of people seated at the table as well, all within my age group. I first walked into this place with Vesna, we spotted who we were looking for, her with much enthusiasm and me almost with a sigh. As she joined her bo at the opposite end of the table they exchanged how much they had missed each other. When I met and sat with mine, I was almost completely ignored. This was not unusual to me.
He is an unknown person to me, my mate in this dream. His face was plain. He wore wire rimmed glasses. His hair was a light brown, cut short and average. Dressed in average styled clothing as well, but presented himself in an upper class, intelligent, snotty manner. I may have been dull because my lack of desire to be there, but he was dull even on his brightest day.
I remember before sitting one of the many small round tables near us, filled with people, had Brian H. seated there. He was his usual bright and chatty self and I remember him commenting to a girl with medium blond hair who had sat at my table on her new haircut, and how she looked very modelesque. I found this odd because she was extremely small in stature and plain faced, not truly model material at all. I felt a slight sting of jealousy as if I knew he was intentionally saying this comment in my presence yet not minding I was standing right there waiting to sit.
The monsters and Steven sat two tables away as well. Each of them was wearing a deep red wrapped fabric garment, much like one of Roman times. My brother was half his actual age and sat silently with a slightly angry look on his face. My father carried on in his usual jolly, loud, attention grabbing manner and my Mother as her usual self centered persona. I made my presence known to them and I could clearly here them over all other conversations. When they began to quiet down I turned back and watched them proceed out the door. Only my father waved farewell and he did so in a whimsical way. My mother and brother were too absorbed with their own emotions to even think of looking in my direction.
I was served a plate of food, a type of pasta not much different from what I did eat at dinner earlier, accompanied by pieces of plainly boiled chicken drowned in an even more plain and un-flavorful thick red sauce. I ate slowly listening off and on to conversations at the table. As I ate, almost mechanically, I thought of a different place I often spent my evenings at, a coffee house. There were many times at that place where I sat just as silent and chose not to make any comments regarding the conversation but I always at least felt seen there. I recalled being much happier in that time, vibrant, like I was doing things with myself. I had options then, freedom. I was living.
The more I thought of that period which seemed just around the corner, the more I believed i was about to burst into tears and choke on my terrible meal. I gathered myself together best I could and just then my significant other turned and asked me if I was "alright". I quickly nodded my head yes to reply. I looked up and noticed I did indeed have the attention of everyone sitting at the table, but not in a positive way. Each of them were still carrying on their own conversations but glancing over at me, looking displeased at my presence. Then my partner asks me if I would like to join him for a walk later. I was not at all in the mood for it, at least not to spend another minute with him but I acted pleasantly surprised at his question and sweetly told him I would and it would be lovely. I thought then perhaps it would cheer me up in some way.
A server came to take his dinner order and as he requested a much fancier meal than what I was eating he turned to me to explain to me precisely what it was he had asked for. I felt my eyes widen and I blurted out I was very well aware of what he ordered. I started feeling my blood warm, angered over how he thought low of me. I was insulted at his words as well as repulsed by his own lack of knowing, believing he was above me in some way.
Around the same time another female and her two companions came to join us, she was just as energetic and glowing as the rest. Her sudden presence quickly diverted the attention away from a possible arguement on my part.
Thinking over it now I must have looked like a blob of gray, anyone could have easily noticed how miserable I was being there. How completely unhappy I was with the turn of many events and the situation I found myself in. You could see it was far more than that one evening, that one moment. It was an ongoing emotional ride of dissatisfaction for me and I had no clue as to how in the world to get off and away from it.
He is an unknown person to me, my mate in this dream. His face was plain. He wore wire rimmed glasses. His hair was a light brown, cut short and average. Dressed in average styled clothing as well, but presented himself in an upper class, intelligent, snotty manner. I may have been dull because my lack of desire to be there, but he was dull even on his brightest day.
I remember before sitting one of the many small round tables near us, filled with people, had Brian H. seated there. He was his usual bright and chatty self and I remember him commenting to a girl with medium blond hair who had sat at my table on her new haircut, and how she looked very modelesque. I found this odd because she was extremely small in stature and plain faced, not truly model material at all. I felt a slight sting of jealousy as if I knew he was intentionally saying this comment in my presence yet not minding I was standing right there waiting to sit.
The monsters and Steven sat two tables away as well. Each of them was wearing a deep red wrapped fabric garment, much like one of Roman times. My brother was half his actual age and sat silently with a slightly angry look on his face. My father carried on in his usual jolly, loud, attention grabbing manner and my Mother as her usual self centered persona. I made my presence known to them and I could clearly here them over all other conversations. When they began to quiet down I turned back and watched them proceed out the door. Only my father waved farewell and he did so in a whimsical way. My mother and brother were too absorbed with their own emotions to even think of looking in my direction.
I was served a plate of food, a type of pasta not much different from what I did eat at dinner earlier, accompanied by pieces of plainly boiled chicken drowned in an even more plain and un-flavorful thick red sauce. I ate slowly listening off and on to conversations at the table. As I ate, almost mechanically, I thought of a different place I often spent my evenings at, a coffee house. There were many times at that place where I sat just as silent and chose not to make any comments regarding the conversation but I always at least felt seen there. I recalled being much happier in that time, vibrant, like I was doing things with myself. I had options then, freedom. I was living.
The more I thought of that period which seemed just around the corner, the more I believed i was about to burst into tears and choke on my terrible meal. I gathered myself together best I could and just then my significant other turned and asked me if I was "alright". I quickly nodded my head yes to reply. I looked up and noticed I did indeed have the attention of everyone sitting at the table, but not in a positive way. Each of them were still carrying on their own conversations but glancing over at me, looking displeased at my presence. Then my partner asks me if I would like to join him for a walk later. I was not at all in the mood for it, at least not to spend another minute with him but I acted pleasantly surprised at his question and sweetly told him I would and it would be lovely. I thought then perhaps it would cheer me up in some way.
A server came to take his dinner order and as he requested a much fancier meal than what I was eating he turned to me to explain to me precisely what it was he had asked for. I felt my eyes widen and I blurted out I was very well aware of what he ordered. I started feeling my blood warm, angered over how he thought low of me. I was insulted at his words as well as repulsed by his own lack of knowing, believing he was above me in some way.
Around the same time another female and her two companions came to join us, she was just as energetic and glowing as the rest. Her sudden presence quickly diverted the attention away from a possible arguement on my part.
Thinking over it now I must have looked like a blob of gray, anyone could have easily noticed how miserable I was being there. How completely unhappy I was with the turn of many events and the situation I found myself in. You could see it was far more than that one evening, that one moment. It was an ongoing emotional ride of dissatisfaction for me and I had no clue as to how in the world to get off and away from it.