[FIC] An Easy Replacement [ROUND TWO]
Title: An Easy Replacement
Author: Jizai (aka Scortia)
Pairing: Sirius/Remus, Tonks/Remus
Rating: PG
Prompt: 28. Tonks sees how heartbroken Remus was after Sirius died. She does what she can to make him happy. She falls in love with him, knowing full well where his heart truly lies.
Note: I haven't written a fanfic in yeeeears... and I'm in NaNoWriMo mode right now so this is hella LONG. 3,000+ words, so sorry. :P
June 8, 1996
“Don’t worry, I’m alright.” Few words, but the pain behind them was unbearable. Remus staggered towards the pitch-black kitchen in 12 Grimmauld Place. He didn’t bother to lift the darkness by uttering “lumos”. After the battle ended, Tonks had heard him softly utter “I’m headed back” and she instinctively followed. No one else followed, leaving Tonks to realize that no one from the Order was concerned over Remus. Why should they be? Losing loved ones should be second nature to Remus. Even through his brightest smile, he gave off an aura of depressing emptiness that was impossible to shake. Prematurely aging, tattered clothes that he chose not to repair though he was capable of doing so… avoiding strangers as if he felt he was trash in a back alley that dare not approach their sunny lives. It was just who he was… this consistent life of disappointment that lined his face and shaped him into the man he is today. It would be more logical for them to be concerned if something finally went well in Remus’ life… he probably wouldn’t know what to do with himself.
And just why should anyone be worried about him? As usual the concern went to Harry. The poor child thrown into a cruel twist of fate that he cannot get out of. Forced to fight a man amply more powerful than him. The poor boy with no parents. But… what of it? Remus’ parents, they could be dead or alive. No one really knew because Remus never mentioned them. Tonks found herself wishing that they were dead, because the alternative seemed so much worse. It would be kinder if fate ripped away Remus’ loved ones through death than through prejudice and hatred. Surely Harry must be suffering now as well. He regained and then lost his last bit of family in just over a year. But looking at Remus’ back as he leaned against the doorframe, tired to a level far beyond physical exhaustion, Tonks felt as though she couldn’t spare a bit of her heart for worry over Harry. This poor solitary man just lost his best friend - his only true friend left in the world.
And now he was utterly alone.
----------------
June 30, 1996
“Soooooo, I just got off of work and I thought you might want to go get a bite to eat!”
Startled, Remus jumped in his seat. He hadn’t noticed that Tonks had entered his home five minutes earlier through the partially opened front door. The entire time she had stood to his side, Remus’ eyes were staring at the same section of the newspaper. More like they were staring through the paper itself, as his mind focused on something not visible to her.
Remus ran his hand through his peppered hair. As he did, dust flew about. Dust flew everywhere in his house these days. Remus sighed, “I appreciate the offer, Tonks, but I’m, well… with work lately…”
It was a lie,… a blatant lie. He hadn’t missed a single Order meeting of course, but he hadn’t had a paid job in weeks. Dumbledore also had significantly cut the number of hours he put into Remus’ Order work, despite Remus’ protests. Just what Remus had been doing with his time was a mystery. More importantly, Tonks was worried whether Remus even had the means to buy food. By the look of his thin forearm on the table, Tonks had her answer.
“Oh it can be my treat!” Tonks blurted out. She just as quickly covered her mouth realizing what she had said. Way to make a guy feel worthless. “I mean, it’ll be on me this week… then maybe next week you can treat me! There’s this Indian place I’ve been wanting to try out anyhow.”
“Thanks anyway, Tonks. But I’m too busy to go out.”
“But you aren’t eating at all. You’re wasting away to nothing. I know Molly would drag you off to her house and tie you down and force-feed you potatoes and hash until you explode if she were to see you right now!” The word-vomit just kept flowing. No wonder her mother used to hit her on the forehead so often when company was over.
Remus chuckled a little bit. That sad, wheezy sort of laugh that always pulled Tonks’ heart in two directions simultaneously. At least he didn’t seem mad. But the feeling of pity it brought on was just overwhelming. Pity and something else… perhaps it was guilt. What would Sirius think if he saw how she was fulfilling her promise to him?
Sirius had taken her aside one day back in March. He had obviously been drinking, yet again. His breath smelled worse than Buckbeak’s. Tonks couldn’t stand dealing with Sirius when he was like this, but she had little choice this time. He looked straight into her eyes, which seemed to take him a great deal of effort. The statement was simple, concise, “if something ever happens to me, make sure you’re there for Remus.”
It seemed odd to her. What could she do for Remus? She spent more time with Remus when she was still in diapers than she did now! But Sirius’ strong grip wasn’t loosening on her shoulders so she stuttered out, “Su… sure, but where do you plan to run off to, Sirius?” and chuckled. It seemed to be a good enough response for Sirius so he nodded grimly and staggered back upstairs.
She didn’t think much of the encounter then, but now Sirius was gone and she was failing miserably. Sure, she could get a smile out of Remus, but it was a smile sadder and deeper than the worry lines that formed long ago between his brows. Tonks made her goodbyes quickly, feeling like an utter failure but still determined to fill in the gap that was left when Remus lost his last true friend.
She was just like her charming cousin afterall. And Tonks had always prided herself for being everyone’s best friend. There’s no reason she couldn’t make a suitable replacement for Sirius.
--------------
August 2, 1996
Tonks was no replacement for Sirius. Remus, who had been treating her like a cute little sister, now tolerated her like a nagging mosquito that refused to fly away. He was annoyed by all of her attention. Of course, it was difficult to see when Remus was ever annoyed, but Tonks had been visiting him practically every day and could now read his mannerisms like an expert. An expert in self-loathing, aging, chronically-broke werewolves.
Tonks had been watching Remus. She had been watching him… more than could possibly seem ‘friend-like’. It wasn’t a conscious decision on her part. There was just something about him that gave her a feeling of comfort. Maybe it was the way he could continue to smile despite being the saddest being she had ever sat next to. He was a survivor. He was the tragic hero of her favorite childhood stories. Dare she admit it, she found him attractive as well. Sure he may look years older than his true age, but she could look right into his eyes and feel the spark of youth still within him. The youth that was always held back. The poor guy had to keep such an enormous secret at such a young age, then being hated by most of the wizarding world, and then….
Damnit, she thought. She was having a huge internal monologue about Remus again. Really, she could be his author at this point. Remus would never say anything about himself. But just by being around him - hearing how he’d sigh, how he’d laugh, how he’d brush his dirty blonde locks out of his eyes - Tonks felt she knew him as well as anyone alive or dead. This wasn’t enough though… she wanted a real conversation with him. She hungered to open Remus up and heal every wound that was held within him. She couldn’t deny it anymore, she had fallen in love with him.
Remus proceeded to clear the table of his cracked plate and fork. Tonks approached to clean his dishes for him but he spotted her move and waved his hand at her not to worry about it. Tonks didn’t fight him over it and threw herself into his chair.
“So how is everything at the Ministry, Tonks?” Remus’ hoarse voice could barely be heard over the sound of the running water.
“Same old, same old. People are being killed, property destroyed, oh and the Minister’s favorite hat was transfigured into a hedgehog by a very angry old witch.”
“Ah.”
Tonks thought, yeah, same response as usual. He asks the question to be cordial, then doesn’t even listen to the response. Almost every single time she visited there’d be three questions. The Ministry question always came first. Once she said that the Minister had been devoured by zombie unicorns and still got the very same dull response.
Deciding to give up this time and make a better game plan next time she visited, Tonks grabbed the newspaper and started reading. Yeah, the news was depressing, she almost missed the continual lies. As she put the Prophet down, Tonks noticed a photograph on the floor next to the chair. She bent down and was eye-to-eye with Remus. Though, this Remus was worlds away from the one standing behind her washing his meager kitchen utensils. The photo apparently was taken when Remus was about 16-18 years old. He looked fully-grown, but so much healthier than he was now. Apparently it was spring, and the location appeared to be somewhere around the lake at Hogwarts. Remus was reading a book about magical creatures of South America and seemed quite relaxed and content to lie in the grass for the entire day. But then a scarf landed right on top of his head. As swiftly as it had landed, Remus grabbed it with his right hand and raised his arm in the air. Suddenly a chubby blonde boy grabbed the scarf and made motions of apology as he ran back out of sight.
Completely engaged in analyzing the photo, Tonks blurted, “Was that Peter Pettigrew?” Remus dropped the plate in his hand and swiftly tore the photo from Tonks’ hand. She hastily muttered an apology. This is why she shouldn’t talk, she always says something stupid… inappropriate. Hell, almost insensitive at times. Remus just walked off to his worn easy chair and slumped over with picture in hand.
“Remus, I…”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Tonks. I’m sorry I’m not a more engaging host. But could you just leave, please?” He ran his hand through his beautiful-yet-dusty hair again. “Really, it’s more for your sake… people who hang around me too long seem to have horrible luck.” Then the same sad laugh as always. Crying would have sounded happier.
“Just let me do something to help you! I want to be here for you… I want you to be happy. Fate has been a complete ass to you,… you deserve to be happy!”
“I don’t deserve it. The fact that I’m still alive is my punishment for my doubts and inhibitions.”
Tonks didn’t know what to say. The concept of life being more torturous than death brought her to tears. She had cried, many times, after her visits to Remus’ house. But, this was the first time Remus saw them.
“Tonks, are you…”
“I DON’T WANT YOU TO DIE!! Can’t I be a friend to you like Sirius was!? Can’t you talk to me when you’re in pain!? I’ll be there for you when you suffer from the transformations… and when horrible wizards treat you like you aren’t even human! Remus… I… I…”
Remus had this horrible look of torturous guilt. He shook his head, and made to come over to her, give her that casual hug he gives to acquaintances. The sort of hug and kind words that keep him at an emotional distance with others. He heals their wounds, and barricades his own. She didn’t want it,… she wouldn’t be treated like that.
“I care about you! You need someone who loves you. Your friends may be gone but you can have love. Real love can fill in whatever…”
Remus cut her off mid-sentence. “Please, just go.” Tonks wasn’t moving, she was adamant this time. Remus made eye contact with her for the first time since she started screaming, his eyes were watery and full of fury, his cheeks crimson, “GO NOW!”
She realized she had once again screwed up. This time she had no idea what she had said wrong, but she wasn’t going to stay around to ask. She sprinted and heard the door slam behind her… and then, the sound of furniture being thrown. She waited two minutes until the noise died down to be sure he was alright before apparating home. But as she left, she could have sworn she heard a piercing cry that would have rattled the windows.
---------------
January 1, 1997
After months of rarely seeing Remus, Tonks couldn’t resist any longer. Her hair had long turned the mousiest shades imaginable. Her parents were constantly worried about her. She hated her own company. Tonks had no experience with being depressed, she hid it far worse than Remus. Remus, the master in pretending he’s just fine when he rarely is. She had never felt true love before, but maybe this was it. This constant sadness from not seeing him, worrying about him, fearing that he truly hated her. Despite her fears, she knew she had to go to him again.
Remus refused her invitation to see her right before Christmas, so she couldn’t bare to go to Molly’s afterwards. No one knew what was going on with her. Well,… maybe a few did. Her actions towards Remus at Order meetings probably gave her away. Snape obviously knew, the sneaky cur that he is. She was afraid Molly’s instincts may have figured it out too. She had been very nurturing towards Tonks as of late. It was just really awkward. She hated being treated like a bird with a broken wing.
It was New Years Day, a fresh start. Tonks felt rejuvenated with the hope of a new year, a new chance to make it all right. With a bit of reluctance, Tonks apparated to Remus’ cottage for the first time in months. She arrived with a sneeze. She had forgotten to wear warm clothes. Without much thought of hesitating anymore, as she was absolutely freezing, Tonks quickly knocked on his door. Once again, the door wasn’t entirely closed.
Tonks peeked in. The house was in utter disarray. There was only one chair not overturned in the entire house. Had the house been like this since her last visit months ago? She shivered at the thought of Remus coming home to this every day. She proceeded in and scanned the floor. Her eyes led her to the side hallway where she saw an arm laying on the floor, barely visible from the shadows. Tonks quickly dashed in and whispered “lumos” to find Remus sprawled out and completely unconscious. Instead of waking him as her instincts urged her to, she decided to survey the rest of the house.
Peeking into his bedroom, Tonks had a better idea of what had happened. She saw the claw marks on the back of his bedroom door. His mattress was barely in one piece anymore. Fluff was everywhere. She moved a bit of the cotton on the floor and discovered that beneath were numerous broken picture frames. The look on all the faces behind their broken glass were of shock and worry. She recognized James Potter in a few pictures but most of them contained the face of a young Sirius Black. His eyes looked absolutely terrified with concern in every single photo. His mouth was trying to scream out “Remus” in every single photo.
Tonks quietly crept out of the bedroom and stopped by Remus’ side once more. His breathing was shallow; he must have been completely exhausted. She had forgotten that the full moon was last night. Tonks knelt down and ran her hand through his hair. Somehow just that motion made her feel far more relieved. While he was sleeping, looking almost peaceful, she could pretend that when he awoke everything would be fine. She’s wake him up and joke that he was the messiest bachelor she’d ever seen. Then they could both gleefully clean up the place together.
Amidst daydreaming, she spotted a green square on the floor a few feet in front of her. It was the only bit of happy color in the room, and Tonks found herself gravitating to it. Instantly she recognized the image. It was Remus lying upon the grass yet again, still engaged in his book. He handed the scarf off to Pettigrew yet again. Tonks heard a grunt behind her and quickly glanced back at Remus. He still was unconscious. Yet, Tonks turned back to the photo, hovering over it like some precious, forbidden treasure. In the photo, it looked as though Remus was preparing to take a nap. He laid there for a couple of minutes, nothing else really happening aside from a leg running in and out of view from time to time. Suddenly, everything went black. Sirius had leapt into the image and his cloak took over everything. Sirius looked back towards Tonks, wiggled an eyebrow, then held his cloak open to completely hide himself and Remus. Tonks couldn’t tell what the hell was going on for a good thirty seconds or so. And then she spotted Remus’ hand grab Sirius’ shoulder and tug down on his cloak. Sirius obliged to Remus and did a stylish somersault over Remus’ legs. Remus’ eyes kept darting back and forth between Sirius and Tonks. Remus seemed to then tell Sirius to knock… something… off. Tonks was ridiculously confused until Sirius made that huge doggish grin of his as he grabbed Remus by the collar and kissed him hard on the lips. Remus’ arms were flaring about for a few moments, but then he just gave up and allowed himself to enjoy the moment.
A drop landed onto the photo. Tonks realized that she wasn’t crying for herself now, but for him. How could she have been so blind? Remus was living with Sirius the entire year. Hell, quite often when she popped in they would leave from the same bedroom. What sort of grown male friends sleep in the same room together!? If only she had been more observant, she wouldn’t have had to say such painful things to him.
Tonks turned back and soon found herself lying on the floor beside Remus, feeling his breath on her face. She held the photo in front of his face. Yes, it was such a big difference. But she loved the broken man before her still.
“I guess I can’t beat you, Sirius. But you left him here all alone. I refuse to leave him like this… dreaming of a person who was torn from him twice. You aren’t coming back this time, but I’m still here… and I love him.”
Sirius didn’t respond, but the still-sleeping Remus slowly exhaled “Si....Sirius” as though that was the only relevant bit of what Tonks had just said. She shrugged, realizing her uphill battle. One more pat of his hair and she was up and heading out the door. She probably could never overtake Sirius’ place in Remus’ heart… but she could give him a home, a family, someone who would never leave him like all the others had. Death would have to take her kicking and screaming.
All that was left was to convince Remus that deserved to be loved again. That was probably going to be even harder than filling Sirius’ shoes.
She wouldn’t give up. She wanted to witness Remus’ true smile, the smile that Sirius was fortunate enough to see every single day.
Author: Jizai (aka Scortia)
Pairing: Sirius/Remus, Tonks/Remus
Rating: PG
Prompt: 28. Tonks sees how heartbroken Remus was after Sirius died. She does what she can to make him happy. She falls in love with him, knowing full well where his heart truly lies.
Note: I haven't written a fanfic in yeeeears... and I'm in NaNoWriMo mode right now so this is hella LONG. 3,000+ words, so sorry. :P
June 8, 1996
“Don’t worry, I’m alright.” Few words, but the pain behind them was unbearable. Remus staggered towards the pitch-black kitchen in 12 Grimmauld Place. He didn’t bother to lift the darkness by uttering “lumos”. After the battle ended, Tonks had heard him softly utter “I’m headed back” and she instinctively followed. No one else followed, leaving Tonks to realize that no one from the Order was concerned over Remus. Why should they be? Losing loved ones should be second nature to Remus. Even through his brightest smile, he gave off an aura of depressing emptiness that was impossible to shake. Prematurely aging, tattered clothes that he chose not to repair though he was capable of doing so… avoiding strangers as if he felt he was trash in a back alley that dare not approach their sunny lives. It was just who he was… this consistent life of disappointment that lined his face and shaped him into the man he is today. It would be more logical for them to be concerned if something finally went well in Remus’ life… he probably wouldn’t know what to do with himself.
And just why should anyone be worried about him? As usual the concern went to Harry. The poor child thrown into a cruel twist of fate that he cannot get out of. Forced to fight a man amply more powerful than him. The poor boy with no parents. But… what of it? Remus’ parents, they could be dead or alive. No one really knew because Remus never mentioned them. Tonks found herself wishing that they were dead, because the alternative seemed so much worse. It would be kinder if fate ripped away Remus’ loved ones through death than through prejudice and hatred. Surely Harry must be suffering now as well. He regained and then lost his last bit of family in just over a year. But looking at Remus’ back as he leaned against the doorframe, tired to a level far beyond physical exhaustion, Tonks felt as though she couldn’t spare a bit of her heart for worry over Harry. This poor solitary man just lost his best friend - his only true friend left in the world.
And now he was utterly alone.
----------------
June 30, 1996
“Soooooo, I just got off of work and I thought you might want to go get a bite to eat!”
Startled, Remus jumped in his seat. He hadn’t noticed that Tonks had entered his home five minutes earlier through the partially opened front door. The entire time she had stood to his side, Remus’ eyes were staring at the same section of the newspaper. More like they were staring through the paper itself, as his mind focused on something not visible to her.
Remus ran his hand through his peppered hair. As he did, dust flew about. Dust flew everywhere in his house these days. Remus sighed, “I appreciate the offer, Tonks, but I’m, well… with work lately…”
It was a lie,… a blatant lie. He hadn’t missed a single Order meeting of course, but he hadn’t had a paid job in weeks. Dumbledore also had significantly cut the number of hours he put into Remus’ Order work, despite Remus’ protests. Just what Remus had been doing with his time was a mystery. More importantly, Tonks was worried whether Remus even had the means to buy food. By the look of his thin forearm on the table, Tonks had her answer.
“Oh it can be my treat!” Tonks blurted out. She just as quickly covered her mouth realizing what she had said. Way to make a guy feel worthless. “I mean, it’ll be on me this week… then maybe next week you can treat me! There’s this Indian place I’ve been wanting to try out anyhow.”
“Thanks anyway, Tonks. But I’m too busy to go out.”
“But you aren’t eating at all. You’re wasting away to nothing. I know Molly would drag you off to her house and tie you down and force-feed you potatoes and hash until you explode if she were to see you right now!” The word-vomit just kept flowing. No wonder her mother used to hit her on the forehead so often when company was over.
Remus chuckled a little bit. That sad, wheezy sort of laugh that always pulled Tonks’ heart in two directions simultaneously. At least he didn’t seem mad. But the feeling of pity it brought on was just overwhelming. Pity and something else… perhaps it was guilt. What would Sirius think if he saw how she was fulfilling her promise to him?
Sirius had taken her aside one day back in March. He had obviously been drinking, yet again. His breath smelled worse than Buckbeak’s. Tonks couldn’t stand dealing with Sirius when he was like this, but she had little choice this time. He looked straight into her eyes, which seemed to take him a great deal of effort. The statement was simple, concise, “if something ever happens to me, make sure you’re there for Remus.”
It seemed odd to her. What could she do for Remus? She spent more time with Remus when she was still in diapers than she did now! But Sirius’ strong grip wasn’t loosening on her shoulders so she stuttered out, “Su… sure, but where do you plan to run off to, Sirius?” and chuckled. It seemed to be a good enough response for Sirius so he nodded grimly and staggered back upstairs.
She didn’t think much of the encounter then, but now Sirius was gone and she was failing miserably. Sure, she could get a smile out of Remus, but it was a smile sadder and deeper than the worry lines that formed long ago between his brows. Tonks made her goodbyes quickly, feeling like an utter failure but still determined to fill in the gap that was left when Remus lost his last true friend.
She was just like her charming cousin afterall. And Tonks had always prided herself for being everyone’s best friend. There’s no reason she couldn’t make a suitable replacement for Sirius.
--------------
August 2, 1996
Tonks was no replacement for Sirius. Remus, who had been treating her like a cute little sister, now tolerated her like a nagging mosquito that refused to fly away. He was annoyed by all of her attention. Of course, it was difficult to see when Remus was ever annoyed, but Tonks had been visiting him practically every day and could now read his mannerisms like an expert. An expert in self-loathing, aging, chronically-broke werewolves.
Tonks had been watching Remus. She had been watching him… more than could possibly seem ‘friend-like’. It wasn’t a conscious decision on her part. There was just something about him that gave her a feeling of comfort. Maybe it was the way he could continue to smile despite being the saddest being she had ever sat next to. He was a survivor. He was the tragic hero of her favorite childhood stories. Dare she admit it, she found him attractive as well. Sure he may look years older than his true age, but she could look right into his eyes and feel the spark of youth still within him. The youth that was always held back. The poor guy had to keep such an enormous secret at such a young age, then being hated by most of the wizarding world, and then….
Damnit, she thought. She was having a huge internal monologue about Remus again. Really, she could be his author at this point. Remus would never say anything about himself. But just by being around him - hearing how he’d sigh, how he’d laugh, how he’d brush his dirty blonde locks out of his eyes - Tonks felt she knew him as well as anyone alive or dead. This wasn’t enough though… she wanted a real conversation with him. She hungered to open Remus up and heal every wound that was held within him. She couldn’t deny it anymore, she had fallen in love with him.
Remus proceeded to clear the table of his cracked plate and fork. Tonks approached to clean his dishes for him but he spotted her move and waved his hand at her not to worry about it. Tonks didn’t fight him over it and threw herself into his chair.
“So how is everything at the Ministry, Tonks?” Remus’ hoarse voice could barely be heard over the sound of the running water.
“Same old, same old. People are being killed, property destroyed, oh and the Minister’s favorite hat was transfigured into a hedgehog by a very angry old witch.”
“Ah.”
Tonks thought, yeah, same response as usual. He asks the question to be cordial, then doesn’t even listen to the response. Almost every single time she visited there’d be three questions. The Ministry question always came first. Once she said that the Minister had been devoured by zombie unicorns and still got the very same dull response.
Deciding to give up this time and make a better game plan next time she visited, Tonks grabbed the newspaper and started reading. Yeah, the news was depressing, she almost missed the continual lies. As she put the Prophet down, Tonks noticed a photograph on the floor next to the chair. She bent down and was eye-to-eye with Remus. Though, this Remus was worlds away from the one standing behind her washing his meager kitchen utensils. The photo apparently was taken when Remus was about 16-18 years old. He looked fully-grown, but so much healthier than he was now. Apparently it was spring, and the location appeared to be somewhere around the lake at Hogwarts. Remus was reading a book about magical creatures of South America and seemed quite relaxed and content to lie in the grass for the entire day. But then a scarf landed right on top of his head. As swiftly as it had landed, Remus grabbed it with his right hand and raised his arm in the air. Suddenly a chubby blonde boy grabbed the scarf and made motions of apology as he ran back out of sight.
Completely engaged in analyzing the photo, Tonks blurted, “Was that Peter Pettigrew?” Remus dropped the plate in his hand and swiftly tore the photo from Tonks’ hand. She hastily muttered an apology. This is why she shouldn’t talk, she always says something stupid… inappropriate. Hell, almost insensitive at times. Remus just walked off to his worn easy chair and slumped over with picture in hand.
“Remus, I…”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Tonks. I’m sorry I’m not a more engaging host. But could you just leave, please?” He ran his hand through his beautiful-yet-dusty hair again. “Really, it’s more for your sake… people who hang around me too long seem to have horrible luck.” Then the same sad laugh as always. Crying would have sounded happier.
“Just let me do something to help you! I want to be here for you… I want you to be happy. Fate has been a complete ass to you,… you deserve to be happy!”
“I don’t deserve it. The fact that I’m still alive is my punishment for my doubts and inhibitions.”
Tonks didn’t know what to say. The concept of life being more torturous than death brought her to tears. She had cried, many times, after her visits to Remus’ house. But, this was the first time Remus saw them.
“Tonks, are you…”
“I DON’T WANT YOU TO DIE!! Can’t I be a friend to you like Sirius was!? Can’t you talk to me when you’re in pain!? I’ll be there for you when you suffer from the transformations… and when horrible wizards treat you like you aren’t even human! Remus… I… I…”
Remus had this horrible look of torturous guilt. He shook his head, and made to come over to her, give her that casual hug he gives to acquaintances. The sort of hug and kind words that keep him at an emotional distance with others. He heals their wounds, and barricades his own. She didn’t want it,… she wouldn’t be treated like that.
“I care about you! You need someone who loves you. Your friends may be gone but you can have love. Real love can fill in whatever…”
Remus cut her off mid-sentence. “Please, just go.” Tonks wasn’t moving, she was adamant this time. Remus made eye contact with her for the first time since she started screaming, his eyes were watery and full of fury, his cheeks crimson, “GO NOW!”
She realized she had once again screwed up. This time she had no idea what she had said wrong, but she wasn’t going to stay around to ask. She sprinted and heard the door slam behind her… and then, the sound of furniture being thrown. She waited two minutes until the noise died down to be sure he was alright before apparating home. But as she left, she could have sworn she heard a piercing cry that would have rattled the windows.
---------------
January 1, 1997
After months of rarely seeing Remus, Tonks couldn’t resist any longer. Her hair had long turned the mousiest shades imaginable. Her parents were constantly worried about her. She hated her own company. Tonks had no experience with being depressed, she hid it far worse than Remus. Remus, the master in pretending he’s just fine when he rarely is. She had never felt true love before, but maybe this was it. This constant sadness from not seeing him, worrying about him, fearing that he truly hated her. Despite her fears, she knew she had to go to him again.
Remus refused her invitation to see her right before Christmas, so she couldn’t bare to go to Molly’s afterwards. No one knew what was going on with her. Well,… maybe a few did. Her actions towards Remus at Order meetings probably gave her away. Snape obviously knew, the sneaky cur that he is. She was afraid Molly’s instincts may have figured it out too. She had been very nurturing towards Tonks as of late. It was just really awkward. She hated being treated like a bird with a broken wing.
It was New Years Day, a fresh start. Tonks felt rejuvenated with the hope of a new year, a new chance to make it all right. With a bit of reluctance, Tonks apparated to Remus’ cottage for the first time in months. She arrived with a sneeze. She had forgotten to wear warm clothes. Without much thought of hesitating anymore, as she was absolutely freezing, Tonks quickly knocked on his door. Once again, the door wasn’t entirely closed.
Tonks peeked in. The house was in utter disarray. There was only one chair not overturned in the entire house. Had the house been like this since her last visit months ago? She shivered at the thought of Remus coming home to this every day. She proceeded in and scanned the floor. Her eyes led her to the side hallway where she saw an arm laying on the floor, barely visible from the shadows. Tonks quickly dashed in and whispered “lumos” to find Remus sprawled out and completely unconscious. Instead of waking him as her instincts urged her to, she decided to survey the rest of the house.
Peeking into his bedroom, Tonks had a better idea of what had happened. She saw the claw marks on the back of his bedroom door. His mattress was barely in one piece anymore. Fluff was everywhere. She moved a bit of the cotton on the floor and discovered that beneath were numerous broken picture frames. The look on all the faces behind their broken glass were of shock and worry. She recognized James Potter in a few pictures but most of them contained the face of a young Sirius Black. His eyes looked absolutely terrified with concern in every single photo. His mouth was trying to scream out “Remus” in every single photo.
Tonks quietly crept out of the bedroom and stopped by Remus’ side once more. His breathing was shallow; he must have been completely exhausted. She had forgotten that the full moon was last night. Tonks knelt down and ran her hand through his hair. Somehow just that motion made her feel far more relieved. While he was sleeping, looking almost peaceful, she could pretend that when he awoke everything would be fine. She’s wake him up and joke that he was the messiest bachelor she’d ever seen. Then they could both gleefully clean up the place together.
Amidst daydreaming, she spotted a green square on the floor a few feet in front of her. It was the only bit of happy color in the room, and Tonks found herself gravitating to it. Instantly she recognized the image. It was Remus lying upon the grass yet again, still engaged in his book. He handed the scarf off to Pettigrew yet again. Tonks heard a grunt behind her and quickly glanced back at Remus. He still was unconscious. Yet, Tonks turned back to the photo, hovering over it like some precious, forbidden treasure. In the photo, it looked as though Remus was preparing to take a nap. He laid there for a couple of minutes, nothing else really happening aside from a leg running in and out of view from time to time. Suddenly, everything went black. Sirius had leapt into the image and his cloak took over everything. Sirius looked back towards Tonks, wiggled an eyebrow, then held his cloak open to completely hide himself and Remus. Tonks couldn’t tell what the hell was going on for a good thirty seconds or so. And then she spotted Remus’ hand grab Sirius’ shoulder and tug down on his cloak. Sirius obliged to Remus and did a stylish somersault over Remus’ legs. Remus’ eyes kept darting back and forth between Sirius and Tonks. Remus seemed to then tell Sirius to knock… something… off. Tonks was ridiculously confused until Sirius made that huge doggish grin of his as he grabbed Remus by the collar and kissed him hard on the lips. Remus’ arms were flaring about for a few moments, but then he just gave up and allowed himself to enjoy the moment.
A drop landed onto the photo. Tonks realized that she wasn’t crying for herself now, but for him. How could she have been so blind? Remus was living with Sirius the entire year. Hell, quite often when she popped in they would leave from the same bedroom. What sort of grown male friends sleep in the same room together!? If only she had been more observant, she wouldn’t have had to say such painful things to him.
Tonks turned back and soon found herself lying on the floor beside Remus, feeling his breath on her face. She held the photo in front of his face. Yes, it was such a big difference. But she loved the broken man before her still.
“I guess I can’t beat you, Sirius. But you left him here all alone. I refuse to leave him like this… dreaming of a person who was torn from him twice. You aren’t coming back this time, but I’m still here… and I love him.”
Sirius didn’t respond, but the still-sleeping Remus slowly exhaled “Si....Sirius” as though that was the only relevant bit of what Tonks had just said. She shrugged, realizing her uphill battle. One more pat of his hair and she was up and heading out the door. She probably could never overtake Sirius’ place in Remus’ heart… but she could give him a home, a family, someone who would never leave him like all the others had. Death would have to take her kicking and screaming.
All that was left was to convince Remus that deserved to be loved again. That was probably going to be even harder than filling Sirius’ shoes.
She wouldn’t give up. She wanted to witness Remus’ true smile, the smile that Sirius was fortunate enough to see every single day.