Regret - Kali/Jennifer
Author: raktajinos
Title: Life of Regrets
Rating: PG13
Pairing/s: Kali/Jennifer
Character/s: Kali, Jennifer, Ducaleon
Summary: Kali lives a life of regrets
Warnings: mentions of addiction (not substance, emotional) and violence
Word Count:
Prompt: choices
Author's Notes: sorry if this is kinda rambly. I lost my original version during a tech malfunction and I'm not enjoying this rewrite as much.
They say it's at the end of your life that you look back at the choices you made, the roads you followed and determine whether you lived your life the way you wanted to or if all you could see was regrets. Kali knew she wouldn't have to wait for the end of her life to know that truth; she already lived wither the regrets of choices made.
She wished she could blame it on someone else or external forces, but that wasn't honest. She had no one to blame except herself. She'd been given more second chances than she had any right to be given; had been loved by people she didn't deserve. And each time a second chance was extended to her, she'd turn back to the comfortable path of regret.
She knew she used her regret as a crutch, relying on it, falling back on it, not choosing to live another way, to make better choices. She wished she had an addiction to power, it would explain her behaviour, pathologize it in a way that would make people comfortable, would absolve her of guilt. But that wasn't it. She did love power, she loved violence, but that wasn't what drove her decision making. She had friend once who told her, well yelled it at her after Kali had inevitably ruined that relationship like all the others in her life, that she was addicted to her own suffering.
That comment stayed with Kali for years, forced her, for really the first time, to reflect on her behaviour. That friend was probably right - she was addicted to her own suffering, having to fulfill this inner need to never be happy, to destroy anything that dared to challenge her status quo.
She liked rolling in her own despair....her own filth. That's how Ducaleon had phrased it when he was first trying to sway her over to his side. Kali didn't realize it at the time, but he was providing her with the exact emotional motivation she needed to do what she did; to kill the very people she considered family.
She knew the moment she left Julia for dead that Ducaleon had played her, manipulated her into doing what he wanted. He knew exactly what buttons to press. It was the moment she saw, with perfect clarity the monster she actually was; how much she hated herself and how much she feared happiness for herself.
In a cruel twist of fate, it was something Julia had been trying to get her to believe, that she deserved to be happy. Maybe that was why she killed her; she was too close, she knew her secret.
The sick truth was that in that moment of clarity, she saw every choice shed ever made, every healthy relationship she'd ever had, every family that had been brave enough to accept her with welcome arms. She's ruined them all. Chosen a path of solitude and regret.
She'd hate Ducaleon from that moment forward; hating him for knowing her better than she knew herself and manipulating her to his will. He made it easy for her to destroy the best thing she'd ever had: a strong pack and a partner who loved her.
However, knowing oneself doesn't mean you make different choices. She still followed him, turning her life path into his. There were no more second chances, she'd wasted all hers. And as she looked upon the truly-dead body of her beloved Julia, she knew this was her punishment. Julia was supposed to be her salvation, but Kali had been too blind and turned that gift into a death sentence.
Title: Life of Regrets
Rating: PG13
Pairing/s: Kali/Jennifer
Character/s: Kali, Jennifer, Ducaleon
Summary: Kali lives a life of regrets
Warnings: mentions of addiction (not substance, emotional) and violence
Word Count:
Prompt: choices
Author's Notes: sorry if this is kinda rambly. I lost my original version during a tech malfunction and I'm not enjoying this rewrite as much.
They say it's at the end of your life that you look back at the choices you made, the roads you followed and determine whether you lived your life the way you wanted to or if all you could see was regrets. Kali knew she wouldn't have to wait for the end of her life to know that truth; she already lived wither the regrets of choices made.
She wished she could blame it on someone else or external forces, but that wasn't honest. She had no one to blame except herself. She'd been given more second chances than she had any right to be given; had been loved by people she didn't deserve. And each time a second chance was extended to her, she'd turn back to the comfortable path of regret.
She knew she used her regret as a crutch, relying on it, falling back on it, not choosing to live another way, to make better choices. She wished she had an addiction to power, it would explain her behaviour, pathologize it in a way that would make people comfortable, would absolve her of guilt. But that wasn't it. She did love power, she loved violence, but that wasn't what drove her decision making. She had friend once who told her, well yelled it at her after Kali had inevitably ruined that relationship like all the others in her life, that she was addicted to her own suffering.
That comment stayed with Kali for years, forced her, for really the first time, to reflect on her behaviour. That friend was probably right - she was addicted to her own suffering, having to fulfill this inner need to never be happy, to destroy anything that dared to challenge her status quo.
She liked rolling in her own despair....her own filth. That's how Ducaleon had phrased it when he was first trying to sway her over to his side. Kali didn't realize it at the time, but he was providing her with the exact emotional motivation she needed to do what she did; to kill the very people she considered family.
She knew the moment she left Julia for dead that Ducaleon had played her, manipulated her into doing what he wanted. He knew exactly what buttons to press. It was the moment she saw, with perfect clarity the monster she actually was; how much she hated herself and how much she feared happiness for herself.
In a cruel twist of fate, it was something Julia had been trying to get her to believe, that she deserved to be happy. Maybe that was why she killed her; she was too close, she knew her secret.
The sick truth was that in that moment of clarity, she saw every choice shed ever made, every healthy relationship she'd ever had, every family that had been brave enough to accept her with welcome arms. She's ruined them all. Chosen a path of solitude and regret.
She'd hate Ducaleon from that moment forward; hating him for knowing her better than she knew herself and manipulating her to his will. He made it easy for her to destroy the best thing she'd ever had: a strong pack and a partner who loved her.
However, knowing oneself doesn't mean you make different choices. She still followed him, turning her life path into his. There were no more second chances, she'd wasted all hers. And as she looked upon the truly-dead body of her beloved Julia, she knew this was her punishment. Julia was supposed to be her salvation, but Kali had been too blind and turned that gift into a death sentence.