FIC: Once in a Blue Moon - Ch 70 (WIP)
Start of the story, including full ratings, warnings, pairings etc. Here
Summary for the new readers watching my journal: An AU Remus/Sirius story set in a world where an eleven year old werewolf named Remus Lupin never got his Hogwarts invitation, and where Sirius Black was not accepted by the rest of the Gryffindors. The two outcasts form a friendship despite overwhelming odds, but will their friendship survive when Sirius finds himself falling in love with his best friend...his friend who wants nothing more than to be 'normal', despite the passion he feels for the heir to the Noble House of Black.
Disclaimer: I own nothing that you recognise. J K Rowling retains all copyright.
Trying to Face the Day (PG15 for language)
Grimmauld Place had never seemed more suitably named. Sirius had been back for a fortnight, and he was finding it as difficult to navigate the place as he had on the day of his return.
“Damn,” he muttered as he caught his shin on the edge of the table and stumbled. He was sure that Kreacher was moving the furniture on purpose, just to spite him.
“Do be careful, Sirius,” Walburga advised. “We wouldn’t want you to have another accident now, would we?”
Sirius nodded as he inched his way towards the chair by the fireplace and sank onto the cushions.
“Your father has invited several of the other Senior Warlocks to dine with us this evening,” Walburga commented.
“I’ll eat in my room,” Sirius replied. He had no wish to listen to his father talking work and politics all evening.
Walburga’s smile of approval was lost on Sirius, but her words were not. “A wise decision. I believe that would be best. You aren’t quite fit for entertaining just yet.”
Sirius nodded in agreement. He doubted he would ever be fit for entertaining, at least not to the standards his mother expected of him.
“Regulus will be visiting tomorrow.”
“What for?”
“You have correspondence to deal with,” Walburga replied. “He will read you your letters and write your replies. All you will have to do is sign your name to them.”
Sirius sighed. He knew that owls had been delivering letters to him, and had been bitten by several of them, thanks to his newly found clumsiness, but he had no wish to deal with all of the missives.
He would, however, be pleased to spend time with Regulus again. He was the only member of his family he could truly stand the company of for any length of time. Regulus would also understand that Sirius would be far from sociable during his visit, and would understand how much Sirius had lost.
Sirius tuned out the chatter of his mother as he turned his face towards the heat of the sitting room fire. If he tried really hard, he could remember the sight of the flames dancing in the hearth… if he tried really hard.
-o-xXx-o-
Remus joined the rest of the werewolves in the line as they waited to be escorted to the maximum security wing for the full moon. He still couldn’t quite believe that Sirius still hadn’t come to take him home.
He kept his eyes on the floor as the rest of the werewolves chatted away. He felt self-conscious in his nakedness, even though everyone else was likewise stripped.
“You get used to it,” Aaron had said with a shrug, when Remus had expressed his surprise. “This way there’s less chance of them getting ripped or bloodied up.”
Remus understood the reason for the policy, but it didn’t make him any less embarrassed to be standing in line with a bunch of strangers, while trying to cover up his nakedness the best he could.
It was a relatively short walk across the camp to the wing where the werewolves would spend the night, and they were escorted there well before the sun dipped below the horizon.
The cages were small and clean and rather similar to the ones located at the Ministry of Magic. Remus stepped into his and sat down on the floor. He leaned back against the wall and pulled his knees up to his chest.
The chattering of the others had mostly died down when they had entered their cages, although a few of them were continuing their conversations as long as they could.
The magical barrier appeared and Remus realised immediately that it was only a barrier. There was no forest smells spell on the cage and it was going to be a rough night for him.
“Hey, Lupin!”
Remus groaned and looked across to where Higgs was grinning at him from the cage opposite his.
“Still think your fuck buddy’s gonna come and get you?” he called, laughing deeply.
Remus turned away from the laughing werewolf and closed his eyes.
“He’s probably found someone else by now,” Higgs continued. “Someone who can satisfy him every night of the month. He’s probably fucking someone else right now.”
Remus tried to ignore the jeering voice, refusing to rise to the baiting.
“You’ll have to make do with your hand,” Higgs suggested with a chuckle. “Consider it your new best friend.”
Remus resisted the temptation to flip him off and gave no indication that he had even heard him. He certainly wasn’t going to admit that he had been horny as hell for the last two days, and that the approach of the full moon had only served to send his libido into overdrive. Unfortunately, he was now discovering that that particular trait wasn’t unique to him, and was in fact just another sign of the wolf taking over. His tormentors knew exactly what was happening to him, because it happened to them, too.
“How many times have you had to wank in the last twenty four hours?” Higgs asked. “Once an hour, or more often than that?”
“Higgs, shut the fuck up!” Aaron called out from further down the line of cages in a bored tone of voice.
“You stay out of this!” Higgs shouted back.
“No one wants to spend the last few minutes of the day listening to your foul-mouthed taunts,” Aaron replied, prompting several of the other werewolves to voice their agreement.
“This isn’t over, Lupin!” Higgs snarled.
Remus could hear the truth in his words, but the full moon was approaching and he didn’t have time to worry about their next confrontation.
-o-xXx-o-
“Full moon last night,” Regulus commented as he rooted through Sirius’s desk for a pot of ink.
“Was it?” Sirius replied. He had lost track of the cycle of the moon completely since the accident and he had no Remus to remind him of them.
He heard the clink of the inkpot as Regulus placed it on the desk and they set about going through his mail.
“This one’s from James and Lily,” Regulus told him.
“Both of them?”
Regulus nodded, before remembering that Sirius couldn’t see his response. “Yeah. She’s agreed to move in with him. Apparently the shock of the accident reminded her that life’s too short and she moved in last weekend.”
“It’s about time,” Sirius replied. He wished he could feel the joy he knew he should at the news, but something seemed to be preventing him from doing so. “What else does he say?”
Regulus was quiet for a few minutes as he read through the letter.
“What is it?” Sirius asked. “Is there bad news?”
“No, just trying to read his messy handwriting,” Regulus explained.
Sirius nodded. “I remember it being pretty bad.”
“It’s not improved,” Regulus told him. “You want me to write back for you now or read through the rest of them first?”
“Better read through the rest of them, in case there’s something important.”
Regulus put the letter aside and picked up the next one. “Damocles Belby,” he said. “Lots of waffle about potions and werewolves.”
“He’s working on a cure for Lycanthropy,” Sirius explained. “I’ve got some notes at my flat for him. Would you be able to dig them out and send them to him?”
“Of course,” Regulus promised. “Can I borrow your owl to send them?”
“Sure. What’s next?”
“A bill from Flourish and Blotts,” Regulus said. “Five galleons and three sickles.”
“Put that to one side. I’ll need to get some money from Gringotts to pay it. There’s probably a bill from the Daily Prophet, too. I’ll need to cancel the subscription; it’s not much use to me now.”
“Do you want to send the books from Flourish and Blotts back?” Regulus asked. “I’m sure they’d understand.”
Sirius shook his head. “The books weren’t for me. They were for Eve, the little girl Remus looks - looked after.”
Regulus continued to work his way through the correspondence, until finally the replies had to be written.
“If I had an automatic quill, I could reply to these myself,” Sirius said. “Can you get me a pack?”
“Sure, but what’s an automatic quill?”
“It writes while you talk,” Sirius explained. “The post office in Hogsmeade uses them around Valentines Day, so you can disguise your handwriting when you send a card. They should have some in Scribbulus’s shop.”
“That’s in Diagon Alley, yeah?”
Sirius nodded, realising, not for the first time, just how much Regulus had moved away from the wizarding world over the last few years.
It took nearly all day to reply to all the letters, and there was still the bills and Belby’s letter to sort out. Eventually, Regulus had done all he could to help Sirius and returned home, leaving Sirius to wallow in his depression once more.
-o-xXx-o-
Remus woke up back in his bed in the camp. He wondered for a moment whether he had imagined the full moon, but the pain that shot through his body when he tried to move made it clear that he hadn’t.
He slowly turned his head to one side and let out an involuntary groan. A woman he didn’t recognise was sleeping in the chair opposite his bed, a familiar looking healer’s kit resting on the desk beside her.
Moonlight streamed through the window to his room, but he couldn’t move enough to see how much time he had lost since the full moon. At least a day, that much was certain.
He realised that he needed to use the bathroom and struggled to sit up. He was thankful for the adjoining bathroom that each of the rooms in the camp had, because at least he didn’t have far to walk. He just hoped it wasn’t too far for him to make it unaided.
The floor seemed to be swimming beneath him and he swayed on his feet as soon as he stood up. Then the arms of the healer were holding him up and guiding him back down onto the bed.
“What do you think you’re doing?” she scolded.
“Bathroom,” Remus rasped, nodding slowly towards the door.
“You aren’t well enough,” the healer told him, pointing at the old-fashioned chamber pot.
“I’m not using that thing,” Remus muttered, trying to sit up once more. “And certainly not while you’re in here.”
“You’ve not got anything I’ve not already seen,” the healer pointed out impatiently.
“How long since the full moon?” Remus asked curiously.
“Two days,” the healer replied. “Now, stop being awkward and use the pot.”
“I’m well enough to make it to the bathroom,” Remus argued.
“Really?” the healer replied, folding her arms over her chest and standing back. “Go on then, you know where it is.”
Remus stood up, slower this time, and waited for the room to stop spinning. He clung to the edge of the desk and took a tentative step forward.
Two more steps and he had to sit down in the chair for a moment.
“You don’t have to put yourself through this,” the healer said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I can wait outside if you like.”
“I can make it to the bathroom,” Remus insisted. “I just need a minute or two.”
The healer patted him on the shoulder and turned to pick up his bathrobe. “Here, no sense in you freezing to death in the time it takes you to make it there and back.”
Remus smiled. “I’ve had worse full moons than this one.”
“I hope that’s not true.”
“Unfortunately, it is,” Remus replied. “I thought this one would be worse than it was actually.”
“Because of the new location?”
Remus nodded. “Partly. But also because I usually have my partner with me. He watches over me all night and takes care of me in the morning. I miss him.”
“Where is he now?”
“Don’t you read the papers?” Remus asked bitterly. “I thought everyone had heard about how my pureblood lover decided to leave me to my fate.”
“Do you believe that?” the healer asked.
“Everyone else does.”
“I didn’t ask what everyone else believed, I asked what you believed.”
“Does it matter?” Remus countered with a sigh. “He isn’t here and the longer he leaves me in this place, the less plausible any excuse I make for his absence sounds.”
“Do you believe that he would desert you completely?” the healer repeated.
Remus shrugged. “Why do you care?”
“My job isn’t just healing the scratches and broken bones from the transformation,” the healer told him. “I’m also here to help with other problems.”
“You think I’ll just spill my guts to some stranger?”
“Emerald Smythe,” the healer said by way of introduction.
“Knowing your name doesn’t make you any less a stranger.”
“But it’s a start,” Emerald replied. “Now, do you think you can make it to the bathroom?”
Remus looked at the door, and gave a small nod. “Like I said, I’ve had worse full moons.”
Emerald nodded. “Just call out if you need me.”
Remus promised that he would and stood up again, this time without swaying and far steadier than he had been before. He didn’t need Emerald’s help; he needed Sirius.
-o-xXx-o-
The next full moon was a week away, and Remus was already dreading it. His temper was becoming shorter and Higgs and his followers were making sure that they taunted him about Sirius at every available opportunity.
“Just ignore them,” Aaron advised him. “They’re only doing it to get a rise out of you.”
“I know that,” Remus snapped, glaring first at Aaron and then back at Higgs, who was lounging against the muggle pool table, swinging one of the cues in a menacing manner.
“Then do what I tell you and ignore them,” Aaron hissed.
Remus nodded sulkily and waved Aaron away. He was tired of being lectured and he was damn tired of Higgs and his friends stalking him around the camp.
“You’re an idiot, you know that?” another familiar voice commented from the next table.
Remus ignored him. He hadn’t spoken a word to Greyback since his arrival at the camp, and he intended to keep it that way; he wanted Greyback’s advice even less than he wanted another confrontation with Higgs.
“Quite a turn of events, isn’t it?” Greyback commented. “You refused to help me get out of this place, and now you find yourself locked up with me. Some might call it karma…”
“You deserve to be here,” Remus said without looking up from the magazine he was reading.
“According to the Wizengamot, so do you,” Greyback pointed out with a chuckle.
Remus closed the magazine and stood up to leave.
“You’re a werewolf, Lupin,” Greyback called after him as he left the recreation room. “You’re just like the rest of us!”
-o-xXx-o-
“Damn it!” Sirius swore as the cauldron he was using for brewing toppled over, spilling its contents over his feet and the floor.
“Sirius, what are you doing in here?” Walburga snapped as she poked her head in the door of Orion’s potions laboratory.
“Working,” Sirius replied, fumbling for his wand and sending a jar of ingredients tumbling to the floor, too.
“You’re making a mess and wasting valuable ingredients,” Walburga corrected, pushing Sirius out of the way as she pointed her wand at the mess. “If you need a potion for something, all you have to do is ask.”
“I’m working on some stuff for Belby,” Sirius said as he continued to search for his wand.
“That half-breed lover can’t do his own experimenting?” Walburga asked.
“Don’t call him that!” Sirius snapped back.
“Just go back to your room and try not to make a mess of anything else,” Walburga told him. “Call Kreacher if you need anything.”
Sirius scowled, but it was clear that his mother wasn’t going to let him anywhere near the counter again. He felt her push his wand into his hand and point him in the direction of the door.
He was halfway to his room when he realised that he didn’t want to be shut up in the house any longer. He hadn’t stepped foot outside the door since he had returned from St Mungo’s, but now it seemed like the walls were closing in and suffocating him.
His navigation of the stairs was painfully slow, and with every step he took, he wondered if he would end up plummeting down them. A small part of him, one he could barely even acknowledge, wondered if he would see Remus again if he were unlucky enough to fall and break his neck.
He heard the voices of Regulus and his father before he reached the ground floor.
“You’ll do as I tell you!” Orion shouted.
“I have done what you asked,” Regulus replied. “But-”
“It’s too late to back out now,” Orion warned. “You’re in this up to your neck.”
“Unless I tell him.”
“You’ll hold your tongue or I’ll silence you permanently.”
Sirius was sure that he was the ‘him’ Regulus had referred to, and he moved closer to where the voices were coming from, hoping to hear more. Unfortunately, he miscounted his steps and collided with the side table, sending the glass vase on it crashing to the floor, and alerting the others to his presence.
“Sirius?” Orion called. “What have you broken now?”
Sirius didn’t bother to reply. He wasn’t entirely sure what it was he had smashed this time anyway. He heard the footsteps coming closer and the frustrated sigh of his father.
“Regulus, clean this mess up,” Orion ordered. Sirius knew that Orion would never stoop to doing menial household chores, even though it would only take a second or two with magic.
“Can’t Kreacher do it?” Regulus asked. “It’d take him half the time.”
“Don’t argue with me,” Orion snapped. “Kreacher’s working in the cellar. If I had to interrupt his duties every time that Sirius broke something, he’d never get anything done.”
Sirius could feel his face burning as he groped for the doorway and walked straight into Regulus. “Sorry,” he muttered.
“It’s okay,” Regulus assured him. “I’ll clean up the vase. Why don’t you sit down and I’ll get us a couple of drinks.”
“I’ll get the drinks,” Sirius replied, navigating his way around the edge of the room, making his way towards the drinks cabinet.
He was just pouring the second glass when Regulus came back into the room. “You’re getting the hang of that,” he commented.
Sirius nodded and passed the glass to Regulus, picking up his own and taking a long swallow.
“How are you doing?” Regulus asked after they had sat down on the couch.
“I’m blind,” Sirius reminded him. “How do you think I’m doing?”
“Lots of people are blind and live perfectly happy lives,” Regulus said quietly.
Sirius took another drink and shook his head. “I could put up with the blindness if I had Remus with me. I miss him so much.”
Regulus didn’t say anything, and Sirius knew that there was not really anything that he could say, and certainly not anything that would make him feel any better.
“What were you and Father arguing about?” he asked.
“Doesn’t matter,” Regulus muttered.
“It was about me, wasn’t it?” Sirius guessed. “What is it that Father doesn’t want you to tell me?”
“That’s none of your concern,” Orion said, causing Sirius to jump. He hadn’t even realised that he had come back into the room. Or maybe he had never actually left.
“If you’re discussing me, that makes it my concern,” Sirius pointed out.
“We were discussing potential brides for you,” Orion finally replied.
“Why don’t I believe that?” Sirius asked.
“Regulus thinks that you’d want to be more involved in the negotiations.”
“I don’t want to be involved in the negotiations and I don’t want to get married again either.”
“Again?” Orion laughed humourlessly. “You call some idle promises to a half-breed a marriage?”
“They weren’t idle promises,” Sirius snapped. “He was my husband and I don’t want another one.”
“Well, that’s good,” Orion said. “Because you’ll be getting a wife.”
“How many times do I have to tell you and Mother that I’m gay?” Sirius asked. “Don’t you get it? Remus dying doesn’t change the fact that I’m attracted to other men, instead of women.”
“You’ll change your mind in time,” Orion replied. “We’re looking into an older wife for you. There are a couple of experienced widows recently on the market and negotiations are progressing nicely.”
“I’m gay!” Sirius yelled, throwing his glass across the room and delighting in the sound of it smashing against one of the portraits. The occupant of the painting swore and Sirius felt another surge of satisfaction when he realised it had struck one of his more vile ancestors.
“Regulus, take your brother upstairs.”
“I’m going out for a walk,” Sirius said, standing up and immediately tripping over the coffee table.
“You can barely walk across the room; you’re in no condition to be going out in public,” Orion stated.
“Perhaps a walk round the back garden?” Regulus suggested. “I could take Sirius out there.”
“If he wants to go into the garden, he can go on his own,” Orion argued. “You should get back to your lovely young wife, unless you want her to worry that something has happened to you. That wouldn’t do, would it? Not with a young baby to look after.”
Sirius frowned, not only at the words, but also at the silky tone of his father’s voice. It was the first time that he had heard his father acknowledge Regulus’s wife at all, but it was clear that there was an underlying tone to his words that was lost on Sirius.
“I should be getting back to Chloe,” Regulus said. “I’ll come by again tomorrow to help you with your letters again.”
“Has Scribbulus got the automatic quills in yet?” Sirius asked, stopping in the doorway as he spoke.
“Sorry, still out of stock when I went there yesterday,” Regulus replied apologetically.
“They’ve not had any in for months. Surely they’re not that popular?”
“The clerk suggested they might have some in again in late February or early March,” Regulus said.
“Maybe I should try ordering some direct,” Sirius suggested. “Then you won’t have to keep going to Diagon Alley to ask about them. You must have been there every week.”
“You don’t have to do that,” Regulus hurriedly assured him. “It’s on my way home from work, and they have to have some in sooner or later.
“If you’re sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure, and you know I’m happy to help you with your letters until things are sorted.”
“Thanks, Regulus,” Sirius said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Regulus promised he’d be around early in the morning, before he went to work, and Sirius slowly made his way to the back garden, eager to get some fresh air after the months of being cooped up inside the house.
It was as he was wandering around the garden, that he realised he didn’t even know where Remus had been buried. He wondered what the chances were of persuading Regulus to find out and taking him to visit, and resolved to speak with him the next day.
-o-xXx-o-
Sirius quickly released his father’s arm, subconsciously wiping his hand on his robes.
“Make it quick,” Orion ordered. “I’ve got to be in the office in an hour.”
“You can leave me here,” Sirius suggested. “I can make my own way home.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I can see Grimmauld Place in my mind,” Sirius pointed out. “I can visualise it enough to apparate home again.”
“I won’t hear of it,” Orion argued. “Now say your goodbyes and I’ll apparate you home again.”
“I still don’t see why Regulus couldn’t have brought me here,” Sirius muttered.
“We’re on an island,” Orion explained. “The only way here is to apparate.”
“An island?” Sirius questioned, straining to hear the lapping of waves, but hearing only the sound of the wind.
“Yes. The werewolf’s grave is about ten paces ahead of you. I’ll wait here.”
Sirius nodded and walked forward, stumbling slightly on the uneven ground, as he made his way to Remus’s final resting place.
“Am I there, yet?” he called back to his father.
“Yes.”
Sirius ignored the impatience in his father’s voice as he dropped to his knees. The grass was still wet with the morning dew, but Sirius ignored it as he reached forward in search of a headstone, but found only air. He wondered if it was too soon to have been commissioned and delivered, or whether the Lupins had simply decided not to bother with the expense.
He was actually a little surprised that they had bothered to deal with the death of their son at all. Then again, it wasn’t like Greyback was in a position to be arranging funerals either.
Sirius smoothed his hand over the grass. Now that he was here, he had no idea what he was going to say.
“Oh, Remus,” he whispered, conscious of the fact that his father was probably still in earshot. “I’m so sorry.”
He wanted to say more. He wanted to say that it wasn’t fair that this had had to happen to Remus. He wanted to say that Remus had been dealt the worst sort of hand throughout his life, and that this final end was just too cruel. He wanted to rage against the world for giving Remus to him, and then snatching him away again. To have had him for such a short amount of time was almost more than he could bear.
He wanted to shout and scream and demand that Remus be returned to him, but now that he was here, all he could do was quietly sob.
“Are you done?” Orion called.
“I need a few more minutes,” Sirius managed to choke out in response.
Orion made it clear that he wasn’t prepared to wait any longer, and Sirius heard his heavy footfalls on the ground as he approached.
“Get up,” Orion hissed. “We’re leaving now.”
“No!” Sirius snapped, turning his face away from the sound of his father’s voice, hoping to hide his tear stained face.
“You’re actually crying over that worthless half-breed?” Orion sneered.
“He wasn’t worthless to me!” Sirius yelled back. “Don’t you get it? He was everything to me!”
“Pathetic,” Orion replied. “You’re a disgrace to the entire Black family. Now, give me your hand and I’ll apparate you home.”
“I’m staying here,” Sirius argued. “There’s nothing for me at Grimmauld Place.”
“Your family’s nothing, is it?”
“Just leave me alone.”
“After all we’ve done for you,” Orion continued. “You’re a Black, a pureblood, a member of one of the oldest wizarding families in the world. And here you are, snivelling over the death of a half-breed. You’re pathetic.”
Sirius felt his father’s hand grip his arm and drag him to his feet.
“You’re a disgrace to family.”
“Then why not kick me out?” Sirius asked, not caring one way or the other whether he was turned out onto the streets or not. He still had his flat, after all.
“It would break your mother’s heart,” Orion replied.
Sirius wasn’t given any warning that they were about to apparate, and a moment later he was stumbling backwards on the steps of Grimmauld Place. He reached out to grab onto something, anything, to keep him from falling. Then he felt a hand gripping his shoulder, tugging him into the house and imprisoning him once more.
“You will not mention that creature to me again,” Orion ordered, his voice cold and threatening. “He’s dead and buried. You’ve said your goodbyes. It’s over.”
“You think I can just turn off my feelings,” Sirius whispered, his voice cracking. “I’m not going to stop loving him, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
“We’ll see about that,” Orion replied.
Sirius expected him to say something else, but Orion walked away from him, towards his study, without another word. Sirius heard the sound of the floo flames roaring to life and breathed a sigh of relief that he had gone.
Sirius reached out and brushed the wall with his hand. Four steps to the doorway. Another five to the foot of the stairs. Twelve steps up and the second one after the stair that squeaked was steeper than the others by nearly an inch. He counted his way around the house, slowly navigating the layout, memorising the numbers, and hoping that today he wouldn’t break anything valuable.
-o-xXx-o-
Remus was still aching from the latest full moon when he made his way to the area of the camp where the prisoners - and he still thought of himself as a prisoner, even though the rest of them used the term resident - met their visitors.
He didn’t need to see the reaction from his friends to know that he looked like crap.
“You look like shit,” James said as he sat down in one of the seats.
Remus ignored his comment and got right down to business. “Any news of Sirius?”
“Still no sign of him,” Peter confirmed. “He’s not been back to the flat since the accident, but it’s not been put up for sale either.”
“What about his brother?” Remus asked. “Regulus could get a message to him.”
“It’d help if we knew what he looked like,” James said. “We’ve never met him, remember?”
“I know that,” Remus snapped. “He looks like Sirius; like all the men in the Black family. Wasn’t there anything in the flat with his address on?”
James shook his head. “We searched everywhere. We’re still watching the flat as much as we can, but we’ve all got jobs, and after all this time…”
Remus didn’t need him to finish his sentence. The meaning was all too clear.
“We’ve even tried calling up everyone named Black listed in the London telephone directory,” James added.
“Really?” Remus asked in surprise.
“Took him nearly an hour to work out how to use a public phone box,” Peter muttered. “Honestly, he’s just useless.”
James glared at Peter and sighed. “No luck though. We don’t know if he’s living in London or if he has one of these phones at all.”
“Try Cornwall,” Remus suggested. “Alphard - their uncle - left Regulus his house on the beach. Perhaps they’ve gone there.”
“Cornwall,” James repeated with a nod as he scribbled down the name on a piece of parchment.
“Chloe will have had the baby by now,” Remus said. “She was due back in January, I think. We should have checked the hospitals back when she was due to give birth.”
“Maybe they’ll have records we can look at?” Peter suggested.
“They’re probably confidential,” James pointed out.
“That’s what magic’s for,” Peter replied with a snort of impatience.
“Anything else you can suggest?” James asked.
Remus shook his head. “I don’t know. I’ve been using the library here to try and research the spells that keep number twelve hidden, but I don’t know which ones the Blacks use, and without knowing which ones they use, I’ve no idea how you could get around them.”
“We’ll try the hospitals and Cornwall,” James promised.
“Has he replied to your latest letter?” Remus asked. “I mean has he replied properly?”
“Same as before,” James said. “It’s not his handwriting and doesn’t mention you at all. Just the usual rubbish that he’s doing okay and doesn’t want to be bothered. He doesn’t answer any of my questions about you. If he hadn’t offered his congratulations on me and Lily’s engagement, I’d wonder if he’d read any of my letters at all.”
“I don’t understand it,” Remus said.
“Me neither,” James replied. “Which is why I want to speak to him face to face. Anyway, we’d better get going.”
“So soon?” Remus asked, a little disappointed that his friends couldn’t spare any more time to stay and talk with him.
“Lily and I have a wedding to plan,” James reminded him. “And Peter needs to get to work.”
“Besides, you have another visitor waiting to see you,” Peter added. “Only two at a time, remember?”
Remus nodded. “Who is it?”
“Alana,” Peter replied. “She isn’t looking too well though.”
“She isn’t?” Remus asked.
Peter shook his head and stood up to leave. “We’ll send her in. She’s just down the corridor.”
Remus didn’t stand up to see his friends out of the room, nor did he return their hugs. He was simply too tired and too sore to do much more than sit at the table.
Alana appeared a couple of minutes after James and Peter had left, and Remus saw immediately what they had meant.
“Are you okay?” Remus asked, waving her to a seat.
Alana nodded and sat down. “I’m just a bit under the weather,” she replied. “I’m coming down with a cold or something.”
“Are you sure that’s all it is?”
“Yeah. I’ll be fine. I just wanted to check how you were doing.”
“I’m a bit sore, but nothing I can’t handle,” Remus told her, hoping that she didn’t know him well enough to pick up on the lie. “You should be going home to take care of yourself. If you are coming down with something, you don’t want to pass it on to Eve.”
“There’s something else,” Alana whispered.
“About Rom?” Remus guessed. “Have you found out what happened to him? Did he tell you?”
Alana chewed on her lip and wouldn’t meet his gaze.
“What is it?” Remus prompted.
“Rom asked me to tell you to stop trying to find out what happened to him,” Alana said.
“He still won’t tell you what happened to him?” Remus asked. “Damn it. How can a bloke be so stubborn?”
Alana snorted and Remus had a feeling that his ears should have been burning. Then he caught the light of something in her eyes and realised that she knew more than she was letting on. “He’s told you, hasn’t he?” he asked, reaching across the table to grab her wrist.
“He doesn’t want you to know,” Alana told him. “I’m sorry.”
“What can be so bad he can’t tell me, but not so bad that he can tell you?” Remus demanded. “He’s my brother; I’ve got a right to know.”
“He said you’d say that.”
“What else did he say?” Remus asked, still not letting go of the older woman.
“Let it go, Remus,” Alana whispered.
“Is that what he said?”
“Yes, and I agree with him,” Alana replied quietly. “He’ll tell you in his own time.”
“Except he can’t tell me, can he?” Remus snapped. “In case you’ve forgotten, Rom can’t visit me in here. I’m stuck in here for the rest of my life, and the way it’s going, that won’t be much longer.”
“What do you mean?”
“What do I mean?” Remus echoed. “Look at me Alana! The full moon was nearly a week ago and I’m still struggling to get around. I used to recover within a matter of hours. They’re getting worse and my recovery time is getting longer and longer. It’s only a matter of time before I’m spending all my time between one full moon and the next recovering. It’s only a matter of time before you find yourself being haunted by both the Lupin brothers.”
“You’d come back as a ghost, too?”
“If that’s what it took to find out what happened to Rom, then yes!” Remus stated coldly. “Now please, if you know what happened to him, just tell me. He can’t visit me here; he’d never know you told me.”
“I’d know I broke my promise,” Alana whispered. “I’m sorry, Remus.”
“Damn it!” snapped Remus, finally relinquishing Alana’s arm and burying his head in his hands.
“I’m sorry,” Alana repeated. “Do you have any other message for Rom?”
Remus shrugged. “Just that I miss him, but he knows that already.”
“He misses you, too,” Alana assured him. “He’d visit you if he could. Nothing would keep him away.”
“I know,” Remus mumbled. “Tell him I’m doing fine. Tell him this place isn’t as bad as the papers make out, and I’ll be back home before he knows it. You can tell him that I’ve still got James and Peter looking for Sirius’s brother. They’ll get a message to him soon. Just…”
“Just what?”
“Just don’t tell him what I said about the full moons getting worse,” Remus whispered. “He’ll only worry.”
“I won’t.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Thanks.”
Alana left and Remus leaned his head on the table, too tired to even move from his seat. He didn’t think he could take many more full moons, at least not without Sirius beside him. He looked at the marks on his arm from their bonding and let loose a quiet sob. Had the promises they had made meant so little to Sirius?
-
Chapter 71
Summary for the new readers watching my journal: An AU Remus/Sirius story set in a world where an eleven year old werewolf named Remus Lupin never got his Hogwarts invitation, and where Sirius Black was not accepted by the rest of the Gryffindors. The two outcasts form a friendship despite overwhelming odds, but will their friendship survive when Sirius finds himself falling in love with his best friend...his friend who wants nothing more than to be 'normal', despite the passion he feels for the heir to the Noble House of Black.
Disclaimer: I own nothing that you recognise. J K Rowling retains all copyright.
Trying to Face the Day (PG15 for language)
Grimmauld Place had never seemed more suitably named. Sirius had been back for a fortnight, and he was finding it as difficult to navigate the place as he had on the day of his return.
“Damn,” he muttered as he caught his shin on the edge of the table and stumbled. He was sure that Kreacher was moving the furniture on purpose, just to spite him.
“Do be careful, Sirius,” Walburga advised. “We wouldn’t want you to have another accident now, would we?”
Sirius nodded as he inched his way towards the chair by the fireplace and sank onto the cushions.
“Your father has invited several of the other Senior Warlocks to dine with us this evening,” Walburga commented.
“I’ll eat in my room,” Sirius replied. He had no wish to listen to his father talking work and politics all evening.
Walburga’s smile of approval was lost on Sirius, but her words were not. “A wise decision. I believe that would be best. You aren’t quite fit for entertaining just yet.”
Sirius nodded in agreement. He doubted he would ever be fit for entertaining, at least not to the standards his mother expected of him.
“Regulus will be visiting tomorrow.”
“What for?”
“You have correspondence to deal with,” Walburga replied. “He will read you your letters and write your replies. All you will have to do is sign your name to them.”
Sirius sighed. He knew that owls had been delivering letters to him, and had been bitten by several of them, thanks to his newly found clumsiness, but he had no wish to deal with all of the missives.
He would, however, be pleased to spend time with Regulus again. He was the only member of his family he could truly stand the company of for any length of time. Regulus would also understand that Sirius would be far from sociable during his visit, and would understand how much Sirius had lost.
Sirius tuned out the chatter of his mother as he turned his face towards the heat of the sitting room fire. If he tried really hard, he could remember the sight of the flames dancing in the hearth… if he tried really hard.
-o-xXx-o-
Remus joined the rest of the werewolves in the line as they waited to be escorted to the maximum security wing for the full moon. He still couldn’t quite believe that Sirius still hadn’t come to take him home.
He kept his eyes on the floor as the rest of the werewolves chatted away. He felt self-conscious in his nakedness, even though everyone else was likewise stripped.
“You get used to it,” Aaron had said with a shrug, when Remus had expressed his surprise. “This way there’s less chance of them getting ripped or bloodied up.”
Remus understood the reason for the policy, but it didn’t make him any less embarrassed to be standing in line with a bunch of strangers, while trying to cover up his nakedness the best he could.
It was a relatively short walk across the camp to the wing where the werewolves would spend the night, and they were escorted there well before the sun dipped below the horizon.
The cages were small and clean and rather similar to the ones located at the Ministry of Magic. Remus stepped into his and sat down on the floor. He leaned back against the wall and pulled his knees up to his chest.
The chattering of the others had mostly died down when they had entered their cages, although a few of them were continuing their conversations as long as they could.
The magical barrier appeared and Remus realised immediately that it was only a barrier. There was no forest smells spell on the cage and it was going to be a rough night for him.
“Hey, Lupin!”
Remus groaned and looked across to where Higgs was grinning at him from the cage opposite his.
“Still think your fuck buddy’s gonna come and get you?” he called, laughing deeply.
Remus turned away from the laughing werewolf and closed his eyes.
“He’s probably found someone else by now,” Higgs continued. “Someone who can satisfy him every night of the month. He’s probably fucking someone else right now.”
Remus tried to ignore the jeering voice, refusing to rise to the baiting.
“You’ll have to make do with your hand,” Higgs suggested with a chuckle. “Consider it your new best friend.”
Remus resisted the temptation to flip him off and gave no indication that he had even heard him. He certainly wasn’t going to admit that he had been horny as hell for the last two days, and that the approach of the full moon had only served to send his libido into overdrive. Unfortunately, he was now discovering that that particular trait wasn’t unique to him, and was in fact just another sign of the wolf taking over. His tormentors knew exactly what was happening to him, because it happened to them, too.
“How many times have you had to wank in the last twenty four hours?” Higgs asked. “Once an hour, or more often than that?”
“Higgs, shut the fuck up!” Aaron called out from further down the line of cages in a bored tone of voice.
“You stay out of this!” Higgs shouted back.
“No one wants to spend the last few minutes of the day listening to your foul-mouthed taunts,” Aaron replied, prompting several of the other werewolves to voice their agreement.
“This isn’t over, Lupin!” Higgs snarled.
Remus could hear the truth in his words, but the full moon was approaching and he didn’t have time to worry about their next confrontation.
-o-xXx-o-
“Full moon last night,” Regulus commented as he rooted through Sirius’s desk for a pot of ink.
“Was it?” Sirius replied. He had lost track of the cycle of the moon completely since the accident and he had no Remus to remind him of them.
He heard the clink of the inkpot as Regulus placed it on the desk and they set about going through his mail.
“This one’s from James and Lily,” Regulus told him.
“Both of them?”
Regulus nodded, before remembering that Sirius couldn’t see his response. “Yeah. She’s agreed to move in with him. Apparently the shock of the accident reminded her that life’s too short and she moved in last weekend.”
“It’s about time,” Sirius replied. He wished he could feel the joy he knew he should at the news, but something seemed to be preventing him from doing so. “What else does he say?”
Regulus was quiet for a few minutes as he read through the letter.
“What is it?” Sirius asked. “Is there bad news?”
“No, just trying to read his messy handwriting,” Regulus explained.
Sirius nodded. “I remember it being pretty bad.”
“It’s not improved,” Regulus told him. “You want me to write back for you now or read through the rest of them first?”
“Better read through the rest of them, in case there’s something important.”
Regulus put the letter aside and picked up the next one. “Damocles Belby,” he said. “Lots of waffle about potions and werewolves.”
“He’s working on a cure for Lycanthropy,” Sirius explained. “I’ve got some notes at my flat for him. Would you be able to dig them out and send them to him?”
“Of course,” Regulus promised. “Can I borrow your owl to send them?”
“Sure. What’s next?”
“A bill from Flourish and Blotts,” Regulus said. “Five galleons and three sickles.”
“Put that to one side. I’ll need to get some money from Gringotts to pay it. There’s probably a bill from the Daily Prophet, too. I’ll need to cancel the subscription; it’s not much use to me now.”
“Do you want to send the books from Flourish and Blotts back?” Regulus asked. “I’m sure they’d understand.”
Sirius shook his head. “The books weren’t for me. They were for Eve, the little girl Remus looks - looked after.”
Regulus continued to work his way through the correspondence, until finally the replies had to be written.
“If I had an automatic quill, I could reply to these myself,” Sirius said. “Can you get me a pack?”
“Sure, but what’s an automatic quill?”
“It writes while you talk,” Sirius explained. “The post office in Hogsmeade uses them around Valentines Day, so you can disguise your handwriting when you send a card. They should have some in Scribbulus’s shop.”
“That’s in Diagon Alley, yeah?”
Sirius nodded, realising, not for the first time, just how much Regulus had moved away from the wizarding world over the last few years.
It took nearly all day to reply to all the letters, and there was still the bills and Belby’s letter to sort out. Eventually, Regulus had done all he could to help Sirius and returned home, leaving Sirius to wallow in his depression once more.
-o-xXx-o-
Remus woke up back in his bed in the camp. He wondered for a moment whether he had imagined the full moon, but the pain that shot through his body when he tried to move made it clear that he hadn’t.
He slowly turned his head to one side and let out an involuntary groan. A woman he didn’t recognise was sleeping in the chair opposite his bed, a familiar looking healer’s kit resting on the desk beside her.
Moonlight streamed through the window to his room, but he couldn’t move enough to see how much time he had lost since the full moon. At least a day, that much was certain.
He realised that he needed to use the bathroom and struggled to sit up. He was thankful for the adjoining bathroom that each of the rooms in the camp had, because at least he didn’t have far to walk. He just hoped it wasn’t too far for him to make it unaided.
The floor seemed to be swimming beneath him and he swayed on his feet as soon as he stood up. Then the arms of the healer were holding him up and guiding him back down onto the bed.
“What do you think you’re doing?” she scolded.
“Bathroom,” Remus rasped, nodding slowly towards the door.
“You aren’t well enough,” the healer told him, pointing at the old-fashioned chamber pot.
“I’m not using that thing,” Remus muttered, trying to sit up once more. “And certainly not while you’re in here.”
“You’ve not got anything I’ve not already seen,” the healer pointed out impatiently.
“How long since the full moon?” Remus asked curiously.
“Two days,” the healer replied. “Now, stop being awkward and use the pot.”
“I’m well enough to make it to the bathroom,” Remus argued.
“Really?” the healer replied, folding her arms over her chest and standing back. “Go on then, you know where it is.”
Remus stood up, slower this time, and waited for the room to stop spinning. He clung to the edge of the desk and took a tentative step forward.
Two more steps and he had to sit down in the chair for a moment.
“You don’t have to put yourself through this,” the healer said, placing a hand on his shoulder. “I can wait outside if you like.”
“I can make it to the bathroom,” Remus insisted. “I just need a minute or two.”
The healer patted him on the shoulder and turned to pick up his bathrobe. “Here, no sense in you freezing to death in the time it takes you to make it there and back.”
Remus smiled. “I’ve had worse full moons than this one.”
“I hope that’s not true.”
“Unfortunately, it is,” Remus replied. “I thought this one would be worse than it was actually.”
“Because of the new location?”
Remus nodded. “Partly. But also because I usually have my partner with me. He watches over me all night and takes care of me in the morning. I miss him.”
“Where is he now?”
“Don’t you read the papers?” Remus asked bitterly. “I thought everyone had heard about how my pureblood lover decided to leave me to my fate.”
“Do you believe that?” the healer asked.
“Everyone else does.”
“I didn’t ask what everyone else believed, I asked what you believed.”
“Does it matter?” Remus countered with a sigh. “He isn’t here and the longer he leaves me in this place, the less plausible any excuse I make for his absence sounds.”
“Do you believe that he would desert you completely?” the healer repeated.
Remus shrugged. “Why do you care?”
“My job isn’t just healing the scratches and broken bones from the transformation,” the healer told him. “I’m also here to help with other problems.”
“You think I’ll just spill my guts to some stranger?”
“Emerald Smythe,” the healer said by way of introduction.
“Knowing your name doesn’t make you any less a stranger.”
“But it’s a start,” Emerald replied. “Now, do you think you can make it to the bathroom?”
Remus looked at the door, and gave a small nod. “Like I said, I’ve had worse full moons.”
Emerald nodded. “Just call out if you need me.”
Remus promised that he would and stood up again, this time without swaying and far steadier than he had been before. He didn’t need Emerald’s help; he needed Sirius.
-o-xXx-o-
The next full moon was a week away, and Remus was already dreading it. His temper was becoming shorter and Higgs and his followers were making sure that they taunted him about Sirius at every available opportunity.
“Just ignore them,” Aaron advised him. “They’re only doing it to get a rise out of you.”
“I know that,” Remus snapped, glaring first at Aaron and then back at Higgs, who was lounging against the muggle pool table, swinging one of the cues in a menacing manner.
“Then do what I tell you and ignore them,” Aaron hissed.
Remus nodded sulkily and waved Aaron away. He was tired of being lectured and he was damn tired of Higgs and his friends stalking him around the camp.
“You’re an idiot, you know that?” another familiar voice commented from the next table.
Remus ignored him. He hadn’t spoken a word to Greyback since his arrival at the camp, and he intended to keep it that way; he wanted Greyback’s advice even less than he wanted another confrontation with Higgs.
“Quite a turn of events, isn’t it?” Greyback commented. “You refused to help me get out of this place, and now you find yourself locked up with me. Some might call it karma…”
“You deserve to be here,” Remus said without looking up from the magazine he was reading.
“According to the Wizengamot, so do you,” Greyback pointed out with a chuckle.
Remus closed the magazine and stood up to leave.
“You’re a werewolf, Lupin,” Greyback called after him as he left the recreation room. “You’re just like the rest of us!”
-o-xXx-o-
“Damn it!” Sirius swore as the cauldron he was using for brewing toppled over, spilling its contents over his feet and the floor.
“Sirius, what are you doing in here?” Walburga snapped as she poked her head in the door of Orion’s potions laboratory.
“Working,” Sirius replied, fumbling for his wand and sending a jar of ingredients tumbling to the floor, too.
“You’re making a mess and wasting valuable ingredients,” Walburga corrected, pushing Sirius out of the way as she pointed her wand at the mess. “If you need a potion for something, all you have to do is ask.”
“I’m working on some stuff for Belby,” Sirius said as he continued to search for his wand.
“That half-breed lover can’t do his own experimenting?” Walburga asked.
“Don’t call him that!” Sirius snapped back.
“Just go back to your room and try not to make a mess of anything else,” Walburga told him. “Call Kreacher if you need anything.”
Sirius scowled, but it was clear that his mother wasn’t going to let him anywhere near the counter again. He felt her push his wand into his hand and point him in the direction of the door.
He was halfway to his room when he realised that he didn’t want to be shut up in the house any longer. He hadn’t stepped foot outside the door since he had returned from St Mungo’s, but now it seemed like the walls were closing in and suffocating him.
His navigation of the stairs was painfully slow, and with every step he took, he wondered if he would end up plummeting down them. A small part of him, one he could barely even acknowledge, wondered if he would see Remus again if he were unlucky enough to fall and break his neck.
He heard the voices of Regulus and his father before he reached the ground floor.
“You’ll do as I tell you!” Orion shouted.
“I have done what you asked,” Regulus replied. “But-”
“It’s too late to back out now,” Orion warned. “You’re in this up to your neck.”
“Unless I tell him.”
“You’ll hold your tongue or I’ll silence you permanently.”
Sirius was sure that he was the ‘him’ Regulus had referred to, and he moved closer to where the voices were coming from, hoping to hear more. Unfortunately, he miscounted his steps and collided with the side table, sending the glass vase on it crashing to the floor, and alerting the others to his presence.
“Sirius?” Orion called. “What have you broken now?”
Sirius didn’t bother to reply. He wasn’t entirely sure what it was he had smashed this time anyway. He heard the footsteps coming closer and the frustrated sigh of his father.
“Regulus, clean this mess up,” Orion ordered. Sirius knew that Orion would never stoop to doing menial household chores, even though it would only take a second or two with magic.
“Can’t Kreacher do it?” Regulus asked. “It’d take him half the time.”
“Don’t argue with me,” Orion snapped. “Kreacher’s working in the cellar. If I had to interrupt his duties every time that Sirius broke something, he’d never get anything done.”
Sirius could feel his face burning as he groped for the doorway and walked straight into Regulus. “Sorry,” he muttered.
“It’s okay,” Regulus assured him. “I’ll clean up the vase. Why don’t you sit down and I’ll get us a couple of drinks.”
“I’ll get the drinks,” Sirius replied, navigating his way around the edge of the room, making his way towards the drinks cabinet.
He was just pouring the second glass when Regulus came back into the room. “You’re getting the hang of that,” he commented.
Sirius nodded and passed the glass to Regulus, picking up his own and taking a long swallow.
“How are you doing?” Regulus asked after they had sat down on the couch.
“I’m blind,” Sirius reminded him. “How do you think I’m doing?”
“Lots of people are blind and live perfectly happy lives,” Regulus said quietly.
Sirius took another drink and shook his head. “I could put up with the blindness if I had Remus with me. I miss him so much.”
Regulus didn’t say anything, and Sirius knew that there was not really anything that he could say, and certainly not anything that would make him feel any better.
“What were you and Father arguing about?” he asked.
“Doesn’t matter,” Regulus muttered.
“It was about me, wasn’t it?” Sirius guessed. “What is it that Father doesn’t want you to tell me?”
“That’s none of your concern,” Orion said, causing Sirius to jump. He hadn’t even realised that he had come back into the room. Or maybe he had never actually left.
“If you’re discussing me, that makes it my concern,” Sirius pointed out.
“We were discussing potential brides for you,” Orion finally replied.
“Why don’t I believe that?” Sirius asked.
“Regulus thinks that you’d want to be more involved in the negotiations.”
“I don’t want to be involved in the negotiations and I don’t want to get married again either.”
“Again?” Orion laughed humourlessly. “You call some idle promises to a half-breed a marriage?”
“They weren’t idle promises,” Sirius snapped. “He was my husband and I don’t want another one.”
“Well, that’s good,” Orion said. “Because you’ll be getting a wife.”
“How many times do I have to tell you and Mother that I’m gay?” Sirius asked. “Don’t you get it? Remus dying doesn’t change the fact that I’m attracted to other men, instead of women.”
“You’ll change your mind in time,” Orion replied. “We’re looking into an older wife for you. There are a couple of experienced widows recently on the market and negotiations are progressing nicely.”
“I’m gay!” Sirius yelled, throwing his glass across the room and delighting in the sound of it smashing against one of the portraits. The occupant of the painting swore and Sirius felt another surge of satisfaction when he realised it had struck one of his more vile ancestors.
“Regulus, take your brother upstairs.”
“I’m going out for a walk,” Sirius said, standing up and immediately tripping over the coffee table.
“You can barely walk across the room; you’re in no condition to be going out in public,” Orion stated.
“Perhaps a walk round the back garden?” Regulus suggested. “I could take Sirius out there.”
“If he wants to go into the garden, he can go on his own,” Orion argued. “You should get back to your lovely young wife, unless you want her to worry that something has happened to you. That wouldn’t do, would it? Not with a young baby to look after.”
Sirius frowned, not only at the words, but also at the silky tone of his father’s voice. It was the first time that he had heard his father acknowledge Regulus’s wife at all, but it was clear that there was an underlying tone to his words that was lost on Sirius.
“I should be getting back to Chloe,” Regulus said. “I’ll come by again tomorrow to help you with your letters again.”
“Has Scribbulus got the automatic quills in yet?” Sirius asked, stopping in the doorway as he spoke.
“Sorry, still out of stock when I went there yesterday,” Regulus replied apologetically.
“They’ve not had any in for months. Surely they’re not that popular?”
“The clerk suggested they might have some in again in late February or early March,” Regulus said.
“Maybe I should try ordering some direct,” Sirius suggested. “Then you won’t have to keep going to Diagon Alley to ask about them. You must have been there every week.”
“You don’t have to do that,” Regulus hurriedly assured him. “It’s on my way home from work, and they have to have some in sooner or later.
“If you’re sure?”
“Yeah, I’m sure, and you know I’m happy to help you with your letters until things are sorted.”
“Thanks, Regulus,” Sirius said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Regulus promised he’d be around early in the morning, before he went to work, and Sirius slowly made his way to the back garden, eager to get some fresh air after the months of being cooped up inside the house.
It was as he was wandering around the garden, that he realised he didn’t even know where Remus had been buried. He wondered what the chances were of persuading Regulus to find out and taking him to visit, and resolved to speak with him the next day.
-o-xXx-o-
Sirius quickly released his father’s arm, subconsciously wiping his hand on his robes.
“Make it quick,” Orion ordered. “I’ve got to be in the office in an hour.”
“You can leave me here,” Sirius suggested. “I can make my own way home.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I can see Grimmauld Place in my mind,” Sirius pointed out. “I can visualise it enough to apparate home again.”
“I won’t hear of it,” Orion argued. “Now say your goodbyes and I’ll apparate you home again.”
“I still don’t see why Regulus couldn’t have brought me here,” Sirius muttered.
“We’re on an island,” Orion explained. “The only way here is to apparate.”
“An island?” Sirius questioned, straining to hear the lapping of waves, but hearing only the sound of the wind.
“Yes. The werewolf’s grave is about ten paces ahead of you. I’ll wait here.”
Sirius nodded and walked forward, stumbling slightly on the uneven ground, as he made his way to Remus’s final resting place.
“Am I there, yet?” he called back to his father.
“Yes.”
Sirius ignored the impatience in his father’s voice as he dropped to his knees. The grass was still wet with the morning dew, but Sirius ignored it as he reached forward in search of a headstone, but found only air. He wondered if it was too soon to have been commissioned and delivered, or whether the Lupins had simply decided not to bother with the expense.
He was actually a little surprised that they had bothered to deal with the death of their son at all. Then again, it wasn’t like Greyback was in a position to be arranging funerals either.
Sirius smoothed his hand over the grass. Now that he was here, he had no idea what he was going to say.
“Oh, Remus,” he whispered, conscious of the fact that his father was probably still in earshot. “I’m so sorry.”
He wanted to say more. He wanted to say that it wasn’t fair that this had had to happen to Remus. He wanted to say that Remus had been dealt the worst sort of hand throughout his life, and that this final end was just too cruel. He wanted to rage against the world for giving Remus to him, and then snatching him away again. To have had him for such a short amount of time was almost more than he could bear.
He wanted to shout and scream and demand that Remus be returned to him, but now that he was here, all he could do was quietly sob.
“Are you done?” Orion called.
“I need a few more minutes,” Sirius managed to choke out in response.
Orion made it clear that he wasn’t prepared to wait any longer, and Sirius heard his heavy footfalls on the ground as he approached.
“Get up,” Orion hissed. “We’re leaving now.”
“No!” Sirius snapped, turning his face away from the sound of his father’s voice, hoping to hide his tear stained face.
“You’re actually crying over that worthless half-breed?” Orion sneered.
“He wasn’t worthless to me!” Sirius yelled back. “Don’t you get it? He was everything to me!”
“Pathetic,” Orion replied. “You’re a disgrace to the entire Black family. Now, give me your hand and I’ll apparate you home.”
“I’m staying here,” Sirius argued. “There’s nothing for me at Grimmauld Place.”
“Your family’s nothing, is it?”
“Just leave me alone.”
“After all we’ve done for you,” Orion continued. “You’re a Black, a pureblood, a member of one of the oldest wizarding families in the world. And here you are, snivelling over the death of a half-breed. You’re pathetic.”
Sirius felt his father’s hand grip his arm and drag him to his feet.
“You’re a disgrace to family.”
“Then why not kick me out?” Sirius asked, not caring one way or the other whether he was turned out onto the streets or not. He still had his flat, after all.
“It would break your mother’s heart,” Orion replied.
Sirius wasn’t given any warning that they were about to apparate, and a moment later he was stumbling backwards on the steps of Grimmauld Place. He reached out to grab onto something, anything, to keep him from falling. Then he felt a hand gripping his shoulder, tugging him into the house and imprisoning him once more.
“You will not mention that creature to me again,” Orion ordered, his voice cold and threatening. “He’s dead and buried. You’ve said your goodbyes. It’s over.”
“You think I can just turn off my feelings,” Sirius whispered, his voice cracking. “I’m not going to stop loving him, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
“We’ll see about that,” Orion replied.
Sirius expected him to say something else, but Orion walked away from him, towards his study, without another word. Sirius heard the sound of the floo flames roaring to life and breathed a sigh of relief that he had gone.
Sirius reached out and brushed the wall with his hand. Four steps to the doorway. Another five to the foot of the stairs. Twelve steps up and the second one after the stair that squeaked was steeper than the others by nearly an inch. He counted his way around the house, slowly navigating the layout, memorising the numbers, and hoping that today he wouldn’t break anything valuable.
-o-xXx-o-
Remus was still aching from the latest full moon when he made his way to the area of the camp where the prisoners - and he still thought of himself as a prisoner, even though the rest of them used the term resident - met their visitors.
He didn’t need to see the reaction from his friends to know that he looked like crap.
“You look like shit,” James said as he sat down in one of the seats.
Remus ignored his comment and got right down to business. “Any news of Sirius?”
“Still no sign of him,” Peter confirmed. “He’s not been back to the flat since the accident, but it’s not been put up for sale either.”
“What about his brother?” Remus asked. “Regulus could get a message to him.”
“It’d help if we knew what he looked like,” James said. “We’ve never met him, remember?”
“I know that,” Remus snapped. “He looks like Sirius; like all the men in the Black family. Wasn’t there anything in the flat with his address on?”
James shook his head. “We searched everywhere. We’re still watching the flat as much as we can, but we’ve all got jobs, and after all this time…”
Remus didn’t need him to finish his sentence. The meaning was all too clear.
“We’ve even tried calling up everyone named Black listed in the London telephone directory,” James added.
“Really?” Remus asked in surprise.
“Took him nearly an hour to work out how to use a public phone box,” Peter muttered. “Honestly, he’s just useless.”
James glared at Peter and sighed. “No luck though. We don’t know if he’s living in London or if he has one of these phones at all.”
“Try Cornwall,” Remus suggested. “Alphard - their uncle - left Regulus his house on the beach. Perhaps they’ve gone there.”
“Cornwall,” James repeated with a nod as he scribbled down the name on a piece of parchment.
“Chloe will have had the baby by now,” Remus said. “She was due back in January, I think. We should have checked the hospitals back when she was due to give birth.”
“Maybe they’ll have records we can look at?” Peter suggested.
“They’re probably confidential,” James pointed out.
“That’s what magic’s for,” Peter replied with a snort of impatience.
“Anything else you can suggest?” James asked.
Remus shook his head. “I don’t know. I’ve been using the library here to try and research the spells that keep number twelve hidden, but I don’t know which ones the Blacks use, and without knowing which ones they use, I’ve no idea how you could get around them.”
“We’ll try the hospitals and Cornwall,” James promised.
“Has he replied to your latest letter?” Remus asked. “I mean has he replied properly?”
“Same as before,” James said. “It’s not his handwriting and doesn’t mention you at all. Just the usual rubbish that he’s doing okay and doesn’t want to be bothered. He doesn’t answer any of my questions about you. If he hadn’t offered his congratulations on me and Lily’s engagement, I’d wonder if he’d read any of my letters at all.”
“I don’t understand it,” Remus said.
“Me neither,” James replied. “Which is why I want to speak to him face to face. Anyway, we’d better get going.”
“So soon?” Remus asked, a little disappointed that his friends couldn’t spare any more time to stay and talk with him.
“Lily and I have a wedding to plan,” James reminded him. “And Peter needs to get to work.”
“Besides, you have another visitor waiting to see you,” Peter added. “Only two at a time, remember?”
Remus nodded. “Who is it?”
“Alana,” Peter replied. “She isn’t looking too well though.”
“She isn’t?” Remus asked.
Peter shook his head and stood up to leave. “We’ll send her in. She’s just down the corridor.”
Remus didn’t stand up to see his friends out of the room, nor did he return their hugs. He was simply too tired and too sore to do much more than sit at the table.
Alana appeared a couple of minutes after James and Peter had left, and Remus saw immediately what they had meant.
“Are you okay?” Remus asked, waving her to a seat.
Alana nodded and sat down. “I’m just a bit under the weather,” she replied. “I’m coming down with a cold or something.”
“Are you sure that’s all it is?”
“Yeah. I’ll be fine. I just wanted to check how you were doing.”
“I’m a bit sore, but nothing I can’t handle,” Remus told her, hoping that she didn’t know him well enough to pick up on the lie. “You should be going home to take care of yourself. If you are coming down with something, you don’t want to pass it on to Eve.”
“There’s something else,” Alana whispered.
“About Rom?” Remus guessed. “Have you found out what happened to him? Did he tell you?”
Alana chewed on her lip and wouldn’t meet his gaze.
“What is it?” Remus prompted.
“Rom asked me to tell you to stop trying to find out what happened to him,” Alana said.
“He still won’t tell you what happened to him?” Remus asked. “Damn it. How can a bloke be so stubborn?”
Alana snorted and Remus had a feeling that his ears should have been burning. Then he caught the light of something in her eyes and realised that she knew more than she was letting on. “He’s told you, hasn’t he?” he asked, reaching across the table to grab her wrist.
“He doesn’t want you to know,” Alana told him. “I’m sorry.”
“What can be so bad he can’t tell me, but not so bad that he can tell you?” Remus demanded. “He’s my brother; I’ve got a right to know.”
“He said you’d say that.”
“What else did he say?” Remus asked, still not letting go of the older woman.
“Let it go, Remus,” Alana whispered.
“Is that what he said?”
“Yes, and I agree with him,” Alana replied quietly. “He’ll tell you in his own time.”
“Except he can’t tell me, can he?” Remus snapped. “In case you’ve forgotten, Rom can’t visit me in here. I’m stuck in here for the rest of my life, and the way it’s going, that won’t be much longer.”
“What do you mean?”
“What do I mean?” Remus echoed. “Look at me Alana! The full moon was nearly a week ago and I’m still struggling to get around. I used to recover within a matter of hours. They’re getting worse and my recovery time is getting longer and longer. It’s only a matter of time before I’m spending all my time between one full moon and the next recovering. It’s only a matter of time before you find yourself being haunted by both the Lupin brothers.”
“You’d come back as a ghost, too?”
“If that’s what it took to find out what happened to Rom, then yes!” Remus stated coldly. “Now please, if you know what happened to him, just tell me. He can’t visit me here; he’d never know you told me.”
“I’d know I broke my promise,” Alana whispered. “I’m sorry, Remus.”
“Damn it!” snapped Remus, finally relinquishing Alana’s arm and burying his head in his hands.
“I’m sorry,” Alana repeated. “Do you have any other message for Rom?”
Remus shrugged. “Just that I miss him, but he knows that already.”
“He misses you, too,” Alana assured him. “He’d visit you if he could. Nothing would keep him away.”
“I know,” Remus mumbled. “Tell him I’m doing fine. Tell him this place isn’t as bad as the papers make out, and I’ll be back home before he knows it. You can tell him that I’ve still got James and Peter looking for Sirius’s brother. They’ll get a message to him soon. Just…”
“Just what?”
“Just don’t tell him what I said about the full moons getting worse,” Remus whispered. “He’ll only worry.”
“I won’t.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Thanks.”
Alana left and Remus leaned his head on the table, too tired to even move from his seat. He didn’t think he could take many more full moons, at least not without Sirius beside him. He looked at the marks on his arm from their bonding and let loose a quiet sob. Had the promises they had made meant so little to Sirius?
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Chapter 71