FIC: Puppies Behind Bars
Title: Puppies Behind Bars
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: PG13 (maybe PG15 for a single swear word)
Word Count: 2880
Genre: Romance/Humour (hopefully)
Warnings: A bit of bad language and fluff
Challenge: For lhazzie ; keywords: photograph, mug, diary; dialogue: “And then she said that they wouldn't even consider changing the law!”
Summary: Getting arrested is an occupational hazard, when you’re dating Sirius Black.
Beta Acknowledgement: Thanks to werewolfsfan for the beta.
Author Notes: Originally posted at the rs_500 challenge community.
“Yeah… yeah… yeah!” Sirius wailed from across the room.
Remus groaned as he contemplated a life in Azkaban Prison, which was where he would end up if he did what he was currently considering… that being strangling Sirius with his bare hands.
‘It had seemed like a good idea at the time’ would probably be carved on his gravestone. By now, Remus realised that he really should know better than to let Sirius talk him into anything.
By Christmas in his first year at Hogwarts, Remus had learned the valuable lesson that any idea that was spawned from the mind of Sirius Black would land him, at best, in detention, or, if it was a particularly badly executed scheme, in the Hospital Wing. Of course, Sirius never meant for either of those things to happen, and was always most contrite, but somehow it seemed to happen over and over again.
Remus had, eventually, learned to say ‘no’ to Sirius. By the start of fifth year, Remus had managed to successfully avoid getting into trouble so much that he had been made a prefect. When he had first seen the shiny badge with his letter from Hogwarts he had had no idea that within a couple of months Sirius would have a whole new way of luring him into his mischief. Where the begging and pleading had failed, the puppy-dog eyes of Padfoot would always succeed.
Once again, Remus had to work on building up his immunity, and by seventh year, he had nearly managed to refuse Sirius on no less than three separate occasions. At least until the day Sirius discovered that the best time to talk Remus into anything was when he was in a state of post-orgasmic bliss.
After that, Remus had given up entirely on trying to dissuade Sirius from doing anything, because sooner or later Sirius would get his own way, and it was simply easier to go with it from the start, rather than waste time saying no.
Which is how Remus had found himself talked into the latest of Sirius’s bad ideas, which had resulted in them being arrested, and thrown in the muggle police cells for the night.
Sirius was continuing to wail away as he leaned against the bars, and Remus continued to silently debate whether or not to murder him.
Sirius Black had many talents. He was an expert in Transfiguration and a whiz at Charms. He could have given James some competition on the Quidditch pitch, if he hadn’t been too lazy to try out for the team. He also gave a bloody good blow job, which was probably the only thing keeping him alive right now.
However, one thing Sirius had no talent for whatsoever was singing.
“Sirius, would you just shut the fuck up!” Remus finally shouted.
Sirius stopped his warbling mid note and turned to Remus with a wounded look.
“And don’t look at me like that!”
“Like what?”
“Like you’re a puppy and I’ve just kicked you.”
“I thought you liked my singing?” Sirius asked. “You never complained about it before.”
Remus sat up, groaning in frustration. “Sirius, I love you, more than I’ve ever loved anyone.” Sirius’s smile returned. “But you just can’t sing. I’m sorry, but it needs to be said.”
“Oh.”
They were quiet for several minutes; the only sound in the cell was that of Sirius sighing loudly. It was getting slightly irritating, but Remus didn’t say anything, after all, it was an improvement on the singing.
“You know what I need?” Sirius suddenly said.
“Some sleep?” suggested Remus, optimistically hoping for some himself.
Sirius shook his head. “No. I need a mug.”
Remus frowned slightly. “If you call the guard and ask for a drink, I’m sure they’ll let you have one.”
“Not a drink,” Sirius explained. “A mug. You know, like in that movie we went to see last week, where the bloke was in prison and he had a tin mug that he rattled along the bars.”
“You want a mug to rattle on the bars?” Remus could feel the beginnings of a headache coming on.
“Why not?” Sirius asked.
Remus rolled his eyes, and silently thanked whatever deities might be listening that Sirius had not been given a tin mug before they had been locked up for the rest of the night.
Remus closed his eyes to try and get some sleep, but the sound of quiet humming was distracting him. “Padfoot, why don’t you try and get some sleep?”
The humming stopped. “Not tired.” Then it started again.
“It’s all your fault, you know?” Sirius accused him about ten minutes later.
“Excuse me?” replied Remus, trying to fathom what sort of illogical reasoning had caused Sirius to arrive at that entirely ridiculous conclusion.
It had been Sirius’s idea to go out. Sirius’s idea to go to a muggle bar and club. Sirius’s idea to leave early because he was horny. Sirius’s idea to drag them into the alley on the way back to where he’d parked the bike. Sirius’s insistence that he couldn’t wait until they got home and would Remus… please, for the love of Merlin, just please…
“Oh, I’m not blaming you,” Sirius assured him, rising from his position on the floor and walking over to the bed. “I already forgive you.”
“Well, thank you for that,” Remus sarcastically replied. “But would you like to back up a little, and tell me just why this is my fault?”
Sirius sat down on the narrow bed and looked down at Remus with a grin. “Because you just looked so amazing tonight,” he told him, as though this was extremely obvious. “How could I possibly resist you?”
Remus chuckled and pulled Sirius down on top of him.
“Why, Mister Moony,” Sirius teased. “Whatever would people think?”
“They would think that we’re a couple of blokes, who can’t get enough of each other,” replied Remus, pulling Sirius down for a swift kiss. “And they’d be right.”
They kissed for a little while longer, until Remus pushed Sirius away, knowing that if he didn’t put a stop to this now, there would be a few more charges added to the ones they were already facing.
Sirius sighed and climbed off of him. A few minutes of jostling and shifting positions followed, until finally they were comfortable. Sirius was wrapped around Remus, hugging him close and resting his head on his chest. “I’m sorry we’re stuck in here,” he whispered.
Remus stroked Sirius’s hair affectionately. “Doesn’t matter. Now, go to sleep.”
Sirius sighed and snuggled closer.
Remus closed his eyes and tried to force his brain to stop working long enough to get to sleep.
“Moony?”
“Hmm?”
“Do you think they’d let me have a copy of the photographs they took?”
“Huh?”
“You know the mug shots from earlier.”
“I know what you mean,” Remus replied with a sigh. “But why would you want them?”
“Thought they might make a nice souvenir,” Sirius explained. “Something to show Prongs’s grandkids. We can put them in a photo album and when we’re old and grey, with beards down to our knees, we can look back on them and say ‘do you remember this? That was the night we got arrested by the muggles.’”
Remus tried to suppress his snort of laughter, but with Sirius sprawled across his chest, he couldn’t hide it entirely.
“You know,” Sirius continued thoughtfully, ignoring Remus’s laughter. “That’ll be really awkward, won’t it?”
“Well, Prongs might be a bit naffed off with us for corrupting his innocent grandchildren,” Remus agreed. “Perhaps the story should be kept just between the two of us?”
“No way!” Sirius exclaimed. “This is a story that has to be told, or else all the future generations will think that we were a right boring couple. Anyway, I meant the beards.”
“The beards?” Remus echoed with a frown of confusion.
“If we grow beards down to our knees, they’d get in the way,” Sirius clarified. “Promise me you won’t ever grow a beard! Promise me, Moony!”
Remus laughed at the earnest, almost desperate pleading.
“Moony!” Sirius whined.
“Okay, okay,” Remus managed to reply between gulps of laughter. “I promise I will never grow a beard down to my knees.”
Sirius nodded, appeased, and snuggled back down again. “I promise I won’t either,” he said.
Remus rolled his eyes and was about to suggest again that Sirius go to sleep. However, the sound of a soft snore stalled his words when he realised that Sirius was already out for the count. He envied Sirius the ability to fall to sleep so quickly, something he had been able to do ever since he had first turned into Padfoot. Smiling, Remus closed his eyes and eventually fell to sleep, too.
-o-xXx-o-
“I can’t believe you got arrested without me!” James complained.
Sirius grinned wickedly. “Would you have wanted to be there?” he asked, waggling his eyebrows.
Remus felt his face flushing ever so slightly, but he couldn’t stop his own grin from emerging.
“I still don’t see why the Magistrates were so annoyed with us,” Sirius muttered, making sure that he emphasised the word Magistrates for James’s benefit. He loved learning new muggle words, and showing them off to other purebloods like James.
“We should have got a solicitor,” Remus said, directing an annoyed glance of his own at Sirius. “Honestly, I knew it was a bad idea to let you defend us.”
Sirius waved away his concerns. “We only got fined,” he said. “I’ll pay yours for you just as soon as I can get some money exchanged at Gringotts.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
Sirius gave him a stern look, and Remus lost the will to argue.
“So, what was Padfoot’s defence?” James asked curiously.
Remus shook his head and snickered. “You might as well tell him Padfoot, because if you don’t, I will.”
Sirius huffed and folded his arms, his lips clamped firmly shut.
Remus smirked and saw that it would be up to him to fill James in on what had happened in the courtroom. “Padfoot’s defence was that he thought that instead of fining us, the officers who arrested us should pay us money for the…er…show.”
James, who had been foolish enough to take a drink of tea whilst Remus was speaking, spat the liquid all over the table and began to choke with laughter.
“They were female!” Sirius exclaimed. “They like watching this sort of thing!”
“Do they?” James asked sceptically.
Sirius grinned. “Well, your wife certainly does.”
“What?”
Remus frowned and turned to face Sirius once more. He hadn’t actually planned on telling James why Sirius had chosen this particular argument to defend them.
“Well?” James prompted. “Do be kind enough to explain to me why it is you think my wife enjoys watching two blokes getting each other off.”
Sirius mumbled something that was impossible to decipher.
“What was that?” James asked.
“I said I read it in her diary,” Sirius admitted sheepishly.
“Lily keeps a diary?” James asked. “How do you know that? Why don’t I know that? When the hell did you read it? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Sirius shifted guiltily in his chair. “It was back at the end of sixth year,” he said. “Me and Moony had just got together, and we hadn’t told you yet. Lily kind of caught us in one of the empty classrooms one evening and… er… wrote about it in her diary.”
“But what were you doing with her diary in the first place?” James insisted.
“I didn’t realise it was hers,” Sirius explained. “I thought it was Moony’s.”
James turned to smirk at Remus. “Moony keeps a diary?”
“No, I don’t keep a diary,” Remus told him. “Never have. It’s just that Lily’s diary was in my bag at the time when Sirius found it.”
“What were you doing with Lily’s diary?” James asked. “And again, why didn’t you let me read it?”
Remus rolled his eyes. “A couple of weeks after she caught us, Lily left her textbooks - and diary - with me when she went to break up some third years who were hexing each other. I think she’d forgotten she was carrying the diary. I was keeping them for her when Sirius, chivalrous bloke that he is, insisted on carrying my bag for me. He was rooting around in it for something to eat, saw the diary, thought it was mine, and sneakily slipped it into his own bag to see what I’d been writing about him. Since I didn’t know what books Lily had left with me, I didn’t know he’d nicked one.”
“I only realised it was Lily’s when I started to read it,” Sirius explained. “And since the first page I looked at mentioned us - as in the marauders - how could I just hand it back?”
“But why didn’t you tell me?” James insisted.
“Aren’t you listening?” Sirius relied impatiently. “Me and Moony weren’t out when this happened, and Lily had written an entry about catching us snogging each other. You think I’d want to let you see that?”
James nodded reluctantly. “You could have let me see it later,” he muttered.
“Lily had it back by the end of the following day,” Remus explained.
“You gave it back to her?”
“She took it back,” Sirius corrected. “Quite forcefully, I might add.”
James looked confused.
“The owls incident,” Remus added.
“That’s what she set those on you for?” James asked. “You told me you had no idea what you’d done to upset her.”
Sirius shrugged. “Anyway, back to the point here. Lily had written about seeing Moony and me and, well, let’s just say she liked what she saw, and her girlfriends were rather jealous that she had got to see us and they didn’t. She went on for nearly two pages about how hot it was.”
James looked like he didn’t quite know what to say. Remus privately thought that his expression was rather similar to that of the Magistrates - caught somewhere between inappropriate amusement and total disbelief.
“Women find this sort of thing a turn on,” Sirius continued knowingly. “I suggested that they might want to consider charging the officers for the show, or paying us compensation or something.”
“Compensation?” James spluttered.
“Well, the knees of Moony’s trousers were a bit grubby from the floor and I never got to finish. Downright inconvenient and quite uncomfortable to be interrupted like that.”
James nodded sympathetically, though Remus was sure that he was trying not to laugh.
“I thought I put our case forward brilliantly,” Sirius declared. “Didn’t I, Moony?”
Remus, who had now added defending him in court to the list of things that Sirius should never be allowed to do, made a non-committal noise and focused his attention on his cup of tea.
“The Magistrates didn’t seem to share my opinion though,” Sirius continued miserably. “The one in charge called us all sorts of horrible names, and then she said that they wouldn't even consider changing the law!”
“Shocking, isn’t it?” Remus said to James with a grin. “Padfoot’s brilliant defence didn’t result in the muggles re-writing their laws, fancy that.”
James chuckled.
“But I did manage to persuade the muggle officer to let me have copies of our photos,” Sirius said with a triumphant grin as he placed them on the table. “What do you think?”
James looked at the photos closely. “Were you wearing eyeliner?” he asked curiously.
“No!” Sirius exclaimed, yanking his photograph back and glaring at it, as though it was the fault of the photo that James had made such an accusation.
“Well, I’ve got to get going,” James declared, standing up and stretching.
“I thought you were staying for lunch?” Sirius asked.
“Sorry, mate,” James said, shaking his head. “I’ll owl you later.”
“What was that all about?” Sirius asked Remus after James had left.
“Lily is visiting her parents this weekend,” Remus said.
“Yeah, I know. That’s why I thought Prongs was spending the day with us.”
“When you’ve just told him that Lily keeps a diary?” Remus reminded him. “He’ll have gone home to try to find it before she gets back.”
“You think we should floo Lily and warn her?”
“I was thinking of warning St Mungo’s,” Remus replied. “You do know that after Lily got her diary back, she put a few precautions on it to stop other nosy marauders sneaking a peek in it?”
“She did?”
Remus nodded.
“Poor Prongs.”
“Maybe we should warn him?” Remus suggested.
Sirius looked at his police mug shot again. “He thought I was wearing eyeliner,” he said.
“I take it that means no?”
Sirius slipped the photos back into his pocket and stood up. “So, if you did keep a diary, what would you have put in it about all this?”
Apparently James could fend for himself.
Remus stood up and followed Sirius into the living room of their flat. “What would I have put?” he mused as they sank down onto the sofa.
“Should have known better?” Sirius suggested. “Another bloody mess that Padfoot’s got me into?”
Remus chuckled. “Nah. I think I’d have gone with, ‘Best bloody night out ever - but next time don’t get caught and it’ll be even better!’”
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: PG13 (maybe PG15 for a single swear word)
Word Count: 2880
Genre: Romance/Humour (hopefully)
Warnings: A bit of bad language and fluff
Challenge: For lhazzie ; keywords: photograph, mug, diary; dialogue: “And then she said that they wouldn't even consider changing the law!”
Summary: Getting arrested is an occupational hazard, when you’re dating Sirius Black.
Beta Acknowledgement: Thanks to werewolfsfan for the beta.
Author Notes: Originally posted at the rs_500 challenge community.
“Yeah… yeah… yeah!” Sirius wailed from across the room.
Remus groaned as he contemplated a life in Azkaban Prison, which was where he would end up if he did what he was currently considering… that being strangling Sirius with his bare hands.
‘It had seemed like a good idea at the time’ would probably be carved on his gravestone. By now, Remus realised that he really should know better than to let Sirius talk him into anything.
By Christmas in his first year at Hogwarts, Remus had learned the valuable lesson that any idea that was spawned from the mind of Sirius Black would land him, at best, in detention, or, if it was a particularly badly executed scheme, in the Hospital Wing. Of course, Sirius never meant for either of those things to happen, and was always most contrite, but somehow it seemed to happen over and over again.
Remus had, eventually, learned to say ‘no’ to Sirius. By the start of fifth year, Remus had managed to successfully avoid getting into trouble so much that he had been made a prefect. When he had first seen the shiny badge with his letter from Hogwarts he had had no idea that within a couple of months Sirius would have a whole new way of luring him into his mischief. Where the begging and pleading had failed, the puppy-dog eyes of Padfoot would always succeed.
Once again, Remus had to work on building up his immunity, and by seventh year, he had nearly managed to refuse Sirius on no less than three separate occasions. At least until the day Sirius discovered that the best time to talk Remus into anything was when he was in a state of post-orgasmic bliss.
After that, Remus had given up entirely on trying to dissuade Sirius from doing anything, because sooner or later Sirius would get his own way, and it was simply easier to go with it from the start, rather than waste time saying no.
Which is how Remus had found himself talked into the latest of Sirius’s bad ideas, which had resulted in them being arrested, and thrown in the muggle police cells for the night.
Sirius was continuing to wail away as he leaned against the bars, and Remus continued to silently debate whether or not to murder him.
Sirius Black had many talents. He was an expert in Transfiguration and a whiz at Charms. He could have given James some competition on the Quidditch pitch, if he hadn’t been too lazy to try out for the team. He also gave a bloody good blow job, which was probably the only thing keeping him alive right now.
However, one thing Sirius had no talent for whatsoever was singing.
“Sirius, would you just shut the fuck up!” Remus finally shouted.
Sirius stopped his warbling mid note and turned to Remus with a wounded look.
“And don’t look at me like that!”
“Like what?”
“Like you’re a puppy and I’ve just kicked you.”
“I thought you liked my singing?” Sirius asked. “You never complained about it before.”
Remus sat up, groaning in frustration. “Sirius, I love you, more than I’ve ever loved anyone.” Sirius’s smile returned. “But you just can’t sing. I’m sorry, but it needs to be said.”
“Oh.”
They were quiet for several minutes; the only sound in the cell was that of Sirius sighing loudly. It was getting slightly irritating, but Remus didn’t say anything, after all, it was an improvement on the singing.
“You know what I need?” Sirius suddenly said.
“Some sleep?” suggested Remus, optimistically hoping for some himself.
Sirius shook his head. “No. I need a mug.”
Remus frowned slightly. “If you call the guard and ask for a drink, I’m sure they’ll let you have one.”
“Not a drink,” Sirius explained. “A mug. You know, like in that movie we went to see last week, where the bloke was in prison and he had a tin mug that he rattled along the bars.”
“You want a mug to rattle on the bars?” Remus could feel the beginnings of a headache coming on.
“Why not?” Sirius asked.
Remus rolled his eyes, and silently thanked whatever deities might be listening that Sirius had not been given a tin mug before they had been locked up for the rest of the night.
Remus closed his eyes to try and get some sleep, but the sound of quiet humming was distracting him. “Padfoot, why don’t you try and get some sleep?”
The humming stopped. “Not tired.” Then it started again.
“It’s all your fault, you know?” Sirius accused him about ten minutes later.
“Excuse me?” replied Remus, trying to fathom what sort of illogical reasoning had caused Sirius to arrive at that entirely ridiculous conclusion.
It had been Sirius’s idea to go out. Sirius’s idea to go to a muggle bar and club. Sirius’s idea to leave early because he was horny. Sirius’s idea to drag them into the alley on the way back to where he’d parked the bike. Sirius’s insistence that he couldn’t wait until they got home and would Remus… please, for the love of Merlin, just please…
“Oh, I’m not blaming you,” Sirius assured him, rising from his position on the floor and walking over to the bed. “I already forgive you.”
“Well, thank you for that,” Remus sarcastically replied. “But would you like to back up a little, and tell me just why this is my fault?”
Sirius sat down on the narrow bed and looked down at Remus with a grin. “Because you just looked so amazing tonight,” he told him, as though this was extremely obvious. “How could I possibly resist you?”
Remus chuckled and pulled Sirius down on top of him.
“Why, Mister Moony,” Sirius teased. “Whatever would people think?”
“They would think that we’re a couple of blokes, who can’t get enough of each other,” replied Remus, pulling Sirius down for a swift kiss. “And they’d be right.”
They kissed for a little while longer, until Remus pushed Sirius away, knowing that if he didn’t put a stop to this now, there would be a few more charges added to the ones they were already facing.
Sirius sighed and climbed off of him. A few minutes of jostling and shifting positions followed, until finally they were comfortable. Sirius was wrapped around Remus, hugging him close and resting his head on his chest. “I’m sorry we’re stuck in here,” he whispered.
Remus stroked Sirius’s hair affectionately. “Doesn’t matter. Now, go to sleep.”
Sirius sighed and snuggled closer.
Remus closed his eyes and tried to force his brain to stop working long enough to get to sleep.
“Moony?”
“Hmm?”
“Do you think they’d let me have a copy of the photographs they took?”
“Huh?”
“You know the mug shots from earlier.”
“I know what you mean,” Remus replied with a sigh. “But why would you want them?”
“Thought they might make a nice souvenir,” Sirius explained. “Something to show Prongs’s grandkids. We can put them in a photo album and when we’re old and grey, with beards down to our knees, we can look back on them and say ‘do you remember this? That was the night we got arrested by the muggles.’”
Remus tried to suppress his snort of laughter, but with Sirius sprawled across his chest, he couldn’t hide it entirely.
“You know,” Sirius continued thoughtfully, ignoring Remus’s laughter. “That’ll be really awkward, won’t it?”
“Well, Prongs might be a bit naffed off with us for corrupting his innocent grandchildren,” Remus agreed. “Perhaps the story should be kept just between the two of us?”
“No way!” Sirius exclaimed. “This is a story that has to be told, or else all the future generations will think that we were a right boring couple. Anyway, I meant the beards.”
“The beards?” Remus echoed with a frown of confusion.
“If we grow beards down to our knees, they’d get in the way,” Sirius clarified. “Promise me you won’t ever grow a beard! Promise me, Moony!”
Remus laughed at the earnest, almost desperate pleading.
“Moony!” Sirius whined.
“Okay, okay,” Remus managed to reply between gulps of laughter. “I promise I will never grow a beard down to my knees.”
Sirius nodded, appeased, and snuggled back down again. “I promise I won’t either,” he said.
Remus rolled his eyes and was about to suggest again that Sirius go to sleep. However, the sound of a soft snore stalled his words when he realised that Sirius was already out for the count. He envied Sirius the ability to fall to sleep so quickly, something he had been able to do ever since he had first turned into Padfoot. Smiling, Remus closed his eyes and eventually fell to sleep, too.
-o-xXx-o-
“I can’t believe you got arrested without me!” James complained.
Sirius grinned wickedly. “Would you have wanted to be there?” he asked, waggling his eyebrows.
Remus felt his face flushing ever so slightly, but he couldn’t stop his own grin from emerging.
“I still don’t see why the Magistrates were so annoyed with us,” Sirius muttered, making sure that he emphasised the word Magistrates for James’s benefit. He loved learning new muggle words, and showing them off to other purebloods like James.
“We should have got a solicitor,” Remus said, directing an annoyed glance of his own at Sirius. “Honestly, I knew it was a bad idea to let you defend us.”
Sirius waved away his concerns. “We only got fined,” he said. “I’ll pay yours for you just as soon as I can get some money exchanged at Gringotts.”
“You don’t have to do that.”
Sirius gave him a stern look, and Remus lost the will to argue.
“So, what was Padfoot’s defence?” James asked curiously.
Remus shook his head and snickered. “You might as well tell him Padfoot, because if you don’t, I will.”
Sirius huffed and folded his arms, his lips clamped firmly shut.
Remus smirked and saw that it would be up to him to fill James in on what had happened in the courtroom. “Padfoot’s defence was that he thought that instead of fining us, the officers who arrested us should pay us money for the…er…show.”
James, who had been foolish enough to take a drink of tea whilst Remus was speaking, spat the liquid all over the table and began to choke with laughter.
“They were female!” Sirius exclaimed. “They like watching this sort of thing!”
“Do they?” James asked sceptically.
Sirius grinned. “Well, your wife certainly does.”
“What?”
Remus frowned and turned to face Sirius once more. He hadn’t actually planned on telling James why Sirius had chosen this particular argument to defend them.
“Well?” James prompted. “Do be kind enough to explain to me why it is you think my wife enjoys watching two blokes getting each other off.”
Sirius mumbled something that was impossible to decipher.
“What was that?” James asked.
“I said I read it in her diary,” Sirius admitted sheepishly.
“Lily keeps a diary?” James asked. “How do you know that? Why don’t I know that? When the hell did you read it? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Sirius shifted guiltily in his chair. “It was back at the end of sixth year,” he said. “Me and Moony had just got together, and we hadn’t told you yet. Lily kind of caught us in one of the empty classrooms one evening and… er… wrote about it in her diary.”
“But what were you doing with her diary in the first place?” James insisted.
“I didn’t realise it was hers,” Sirius explained. “I thought it was Moony’s.”
James turned to smirk at Remus. “Moony keeps a diary?”
“No, I don’t keep a diary,” Remus told him. “Never have. It’s just that Lily’s diary was in my bag at the time when Sirius found it.”
“What were you doing with Lily’s diary?” James asked. “And again, why didn’t you let me read it?”
Remus rolled his eyes. “A couple of weeks after she caught us, Lily left her textbooks - and diary - with me when she went to break up some third years who were hexing each other. I think she’d forgotten she was carrying the diary. I was keeping them for her when Sirius, chivalrous bloke that he is, insisted on carrying my bag for me. He was rooting around in it for something to eat, saw the diary, thought it was mine, and sneakily slipped it into his own bag to see what I’d been writing about him. Since I didn’t know what books Lily had left with me, I didn’t know he’d nicked one.”
“I only realised it was Lily’s when I started to read it,” Sirius explained. “And since the first page I looked at mentioned us - as in the marauders - how could I just hand it back?”
“But why didn’t you tell me?” James insisted.
“Aren’t you listening?” Sirius relied impatiently. “Me and Moony weren’t out when this happened, and Lily had written an entry about catching us snogging each other. You think I’d want to let you see that?”
James nodded reluctantly. “You could have let me see it later,” he muttered.
“Lily had it back by the end of the following day,” Remus explained.
“You gave it back to her?”
“She took it back,” Sirius corrected. “Quite forcefully, I might add.”
James looked confused.
“The owls incident,” Remus added.
“That’s what she set those on you for?” James asked. “You told me you had no idea what you’d done to upset her.”
Sirius shrugged. “Anyway, back to the point here. Lily had written about seeing Moony and me and, well, let’s just say she liked what she saw, and her girlfriends were rather jealous that she had got to see us and they didn’t. She went on for nearly two pages about how hot it was.”
James looked like he didn’t quite know what to say. Remus privately thought that his expression was rather similar to that of the Magistrates - caught somewhere between inappropriate amusement and total disbelief.
“Women find this sort of thing a turn on,” Sirius continued knowingly. “I suggested that they might want to consider charging the officers for the show, or paying us compensation or something.”
“Compensation?” James spluttered.
“Well, the knees of Moony’s trousers were a bit grubby from the floor and I never got to finish. Downright inconvenient and quite uncomfortable to be interrupted like that.”
James nodded sympathetically, though Remus was sure that he was trying not to laugh.
“I thought I put our case forward brilliantly,” Sirius declared. “Didn’t I, Moony?”
Remus, who had now added defending him in court to the list of things that Sirius should never be allowed to do, made a non-committal noise and focused his attention on his cup of tea.
“The Magistrates didn’t seem to share my opinion though,” Sirius continued miserably. “The one in charge called us all sorts of horrible names, and then she said that they wouldn't even consider changing the law!”
“Shocking, isn’t it?” Remus said to James with a grin. “Padfoot’s brilliant defence didn’t result in the muggles re-writing their laws, fancy that.”
James chuckled.
“But I did manage to persuade the muggle officer to let me have copies of our photos,” Sirius said with a triumphant grin as he placed them on the table. “What do you think?”
James looked at the photos closely. “Were you wearing eyeliner?” he asked curiously.
“No!” Sirius exclaimed, yanking his photograph back and glaring at it, as though it was the fault of the photo that James had made such an accusation.
“Well, I’ve got to get going,” James declared, standing up and stretching.
“I thought you were staying for lunch?” Sirius asked.
“Sorry, mate,” James said, shaking his head. “I’ll owl you later.”
“What was that all about?” Sirius asked Remus after James had left.
“Lily is visiting her parents this weekend,” Remus said.
“Yeah, I know. That’s why I thought Prongs was spending the day with us.”
“When you’ve just told him that Lily keeps a diary?” Remus reminded him. “He’ll have gone home to try to find it before she gets back.”
“You think we should floo Lily and warn her?”
“I was thinking of warning St Mungo’s,” Remus replied. “You do know that after Lily got her diary back, she put a few precautions on it to stop other nosy marauders sneaking a peek in it?”
“She did?”
Remus nodded.
“Poor Prongs.”
“Maybe we should warn him?” Remus suggested.
Sirius looked at his police mug shot again. “He thought I was wearing eyeliner,” he said.
“I take it that means no?”
Sirius slipped the photos back into his pocket and stood up. “So, if you did keep a diary, what would you have put in it about all this?”
Apparently James could fend for himself.
Remus stood up and followed Sirius into the living room of their flat. “What would I have put?” he mused as they sank down onto the sofa.
“Should have known better?” Sirius suggested. “Another bloody mess that Padfoot’s got me into?”
Remus chuckled. “Nah. I think I’d have gone with, ‘Best bloody night out ever - but next time don’t get caught and it’ll be even better!’”